My First Laser session

Today I am off for my first laser session. I am nervous as hell as I am not one to tolerate too much pain, but look on the bright side that this is a step in the right direction.

I wake this morning feeling pretty much now as if nothing recently has happened to me. It is like the past nightmares have only been dreams and am back focused on what needs to be done in my life now. I am still scared though of making those crucial steps towards the changes needed to have more of an impact in my life but am focusing solely on them and will get there in good given time. Speaking to my boss yesterday it looks like I will have the next few days off after I finish this tour before commencing with the next. I am going to hop off to Cork and look into the possibility of my first laser session and spend the day out looking at what I could only dream of wearing. But that is a big step to make and I tend to become nervous when anywhere near clothes shops right now. I am also back on the waggon yet again today after falling off with the recent setbacks in my life. I came to realise last night that I am dependant on booze for masking problems and this only makes the whole thing worse.

I am off today to work the "Ring-of-Kerry" One of the runs I most complain over but the one that gives me the most satisfaction of beauty which today has to be thrust upon myself to realise that as a female I am beautiful and as male I am ugly.

It is for some strange reason this year that I am not feeling the magic of what Ireland gave me last and this I think is a contributory factor to the way that I am feeling too.

Home again

The sun shines graciously over the town this evening and it seems too like the black clouds that have been hanging over me recently have blown away too. I feel at peace with myself once again for a few weeks or at least until I can get some stuff sorted.

I have been told that things are starting to quieten off for a little whil and going to make the most of this time to go to the UK and see Dr Curtis. I am also looking at starting laser anytime soon and cannot wait until things start to sway into motion.

Anyway enough blurb from me for the mo'

The morning after the night before.

Oh did I have a good time there last night. Hmmm well kind suffering for it now :)
Ok i have to get myself back on track and cut the negatives. I need to talk to some people over the next couple of days too. I have been wanting everything just to fall into place all at once and it cannot and will not happen. I knew I was going to have to bite the bullet in order to mae this big huge step of my life. But it really felt like everything was slipping away and having no control over my life.

I need a release to vent my frustrasions and to be able to look back at the results later on to remind myself what a brave step into this world I have created or all be it been denied for so many years. Self discover can be a potent thing and it has it drawbacks like wanting to stamp on people that get in your way, to tell them that this is not the person you actually see and lable as being male. In fact this is the root cause for my problems over the years as I have not had the voice to shout until now. I have to smile sweetly though and bare the brunt of it all. I am only with these people for around 11 days per tour. I have to put up with this for the next few months or be it days if I don't get paid anytime soon.

Hmm well these are very sobering thoughts and have let myself slip back into that trap that I was in 12 months and 2 years ago. No it is so easy to rely on the pain killers that drown out all the bad things in your life, but only making it worse.
I now have to pick away at the fin threads that have been knotted to get myself back in fighting form and back on track.

Lost the plot

Ok this was one of my posts the other day.
I have kind of lost the timetable of my transition and the reason, which hit me earlier. Hmmm I am not doing this for fun and neither can I yet face going into shops buying clothes. I am just me and will be me all the way through this situation until such times I become regarded as female in legal and social situations

A few rambling thoughts

It's a sad litlle world that we live in. Havong the knowledge of stuff that for so long we have kept locked away. Feeling the need to make such dramatic changes to feel complete, whole and happy. The problem is that people around us try to understand but clearly how can we expect them to as they have no understanding of the situation. There are times when we need support from loved ones and close friends and the stumbling gestures that we get as a response have no purpose and meaning over the situation and leaves us feeling more confused than when we first asked.

I sit here overlooking the wonderful harbor of Kinsale yet cannot be bothered to move my fat arse from the bed. Is it wollowing in self pitty or is it the truth coming out after all these years that I am best left alone in my own little world. I have no idea just like I have no idea why I am faced with such a mamouth task of making changes to my life. Is this the beginning of the end or the chance to start the way it should have been. Am I living in a fantasy world or is this really happening. For some reason I just want to wake from this whole nightmare and just think it was a dream

A new light

Today seems different for some reason. I seem to have restored the clever dumb balance again within my life. It feels pretty much the same as it did before and I can focus and concentrate on building my confidence once again. Or is it just merely the effects of last nights drinking session? Who knows but I feel somewhat happier again.

In need of help

Ok as bad as ths sounds it really isn't :)
I have had a sleep and had a wierd dream about me backing out of my transition. Hmmm could be likely at this point but I know that this is the only chance now of feeling complete. I am looking towards making steps to get some local help and hope to meet up in the next day or so with someone I spoke to in Cork a few months ago. I need to get something started and something to look forward to.

Right now I feel like the situation of work does not help matters but talking to close friends who refer to me as Katy seems kinda wierd too. I really am not sure anymore of who I really am but know who I should become.

I am currently working with a guide who treats me like a piece of excrement and the passengers calling me by my male name makes me want to scream out I am not male but knowingly on the surface I am.

Hmmm I really want to write something here but cannot seem to get the words out right now. The only thing that springs to mind is hatred, confusion and dissapointment.
Hatred: I hate myself right now for my whole life.
Confusion: Who the fek am I
Dissapointment: Well I cannot seem to get things together.

The next day and same shite

I have sobered up after my little session last night and still feel the same about situations. It is not good I need to quit very soon, but also need a job to go to.

Oh my god.

I am demoralised and about to chuck in eveything sacred to me. All the time I thought that this year was going to be good but with GID and the crap that goes with it HMMM!

Sobering thoughts

I had to be in a fresh frame of mind to write this one. :)
I have been moaning just lately about the lack of cash coming my way and yesterday was no exception. Day off, no money, no food. I am going through the ashtray as I used to to try and make a cigarette, sat here on my bed thinking about anything but food, I was starving. I decided to put on a necklace which I bought a few weeks ago which has a Celtic cross pendant. No sooner that I had put this on I felt a warm calming sensation like I felt the other week when I went into church. I had a bit of a nap and woke around 6pm. Somewhat 10 mins later I had a call offering me to do a job. Not from my current boss but from my ex-boss as they were stuck for drivers. This was an airport transfer from Kerry to Cork. Of course I accepted and left immediately. Well for this job I was paid cash and felt delighted at the fact that I could be of help as it wollowed away a few hours.
Getting back at around 10pm I walked into town as all the pubs had finished serving food as I could not be bothered to cook, having a couple of drinks and got me food and headed home. But what a strange day to say the least.

Ooops cockup!

Being a poor little lass is hard for many to understand the daily hardships I a faced with. Ok gender issues aside here for a mo' but the general day to day living and survival of the fittest. Well until now I have been good at neither of them two subjects but am trying now my dam up most to get somewhere. Ok I have been back at work for 3 weeks now and have at-last had a day off from this tour. The unfortunate part is that my phone charger broke and of-course the phone died. No big deal there but my boss was trying to contact me to see if I would go off and pick-up my group today. Hmmm no answer and he had to do it himself. When I finally could be bothered to charge my phone I have about 7 messages from last night to today :) I called my boss back and he was ok, but the first thing that was mentioned was my pay. Hmmm tour guide must have said something about me being broke :)

Ok I am not too badly off as I leave the group tomorrow and get the rest of my expenses. I can then pay off my rent and all will be fine again.

On the gender side of things, well it seems that those around me are backed into a corner right now as I was looking on the net today towards buying some tops and skirts and stuff. I asked the opinion of my mate who went so red and told me that I had said previously of my intentions to stay as i was, that he could accept. On reply I said that I was going to transition to female which called for more femine clothes. Hmmm he did not know what to say or where to turn, but hell I need something to look good in from time to time was also my response.

Will leave you all on that note


xxxx Katy xxxx

Tis been a while

It has been a while since I have posted something positive here. I find the traumatic experience of work in male mode and people asking if I am married or have a girlfriend can get to you no matter hoe strong you are. Hmm well I had a day out in Cork the other day and popped into M&S to browse at the wonderful clothes that I cannot yet afford. It is only a matter of time before I get myself financially stable again and this dream can turn into reality. It is nice though to go window shopping and look at the expensive clothes I am going to buy :)

I have been feeling mixed emotions as of late and thank all those who have posted such wonderful comforting comments here. It just goes to show that I am not alone in this by any means. My mind has now got stronger and I just figure that like the job this is an act of being nice to people and giving them what they want. It also seems that no matter what is thrown at me I will take the bull by the horns and deal with it.
I finish my tour this week somewhat 2 days early as I am needed to start again on Friday. This time I will be prepared for what is going to happen with the job and can now start to see things shaping up nicely for me.

I am back in Cork on Sunday / Monday and will be out there making a few purchases. I am looking also to book up my first session for laser on one of my days off so this at least gets the ball rolling. Over the next few months I need to prepare for what is going to happen when I go FT. I am not just going to do it an think of the consequences later. I am loosing weight rather nicely now and have cut back witht the drinking and smoking somewhat 75% to what I would normally whic is a good thing and helps my cause somewhat. I am told that it goes quiet during July and am not too worried as I can go to the UK for my first appointment with Dr Curtis. So everything seems to be tripping along nicely now.

I now know what other girls have reported about in the past of "Bob" or "Drab" mode. I am wondering if this is a contributory factor to the fact that I am feeling depressed at the moment. Days out in drab can make one feel confused in many respects and people referring to me as a male is also very depressing. As much as I want to scream at these people, I can't.

Total Nightmare

Here i am sat in a hotel now having nothing to do. I am unable to get out as I have no money and the expenses I a due are now paid for at the end of the tour. So how the hell am I supposed to survive on fresh fooking air?
I ma going to give this company until the end of te weekend to explain to me the pay structure and when I can expect to receive my money. After that I am off.

My group went out today onto one of the islands and I stayed at the bus thinking about what the future holds for me. It is not promising as I am still confused and scared of whether or not I can go through with my transition. I am not sure if I can continue with this whole thing which leads me to thinking if it is worth carrying on with life as the pain is too much to bare and I know it will not go away. I have been concious of my GID up to now and will be even more concious if I transition as to what people reactions are going to be. Not good.

My emotions have been running high just lately taking to heart comments made by my boss and tour guide. I hit back at that today and basically told them to fuck off.

I Just wnat to curl up and die now, I hav no moral valus in life and cannot tollerate this whole thing that has dominated my life anymore

Working for the mob

It seems that the company I now work for is like the mafia. I get a call, go out and pickup a car and off to do the job. Today I ad to pickup a school trip which were going out walking up one of the mountains. Had a very pleasant day and was so surprised when I got back and found that the normal mess from kids had been cleared up. That was the first time in all my career life.

Anyway While out today I did a lot of thinking towards my situation and have come this far and have to peek around the corner and look into what life would be. I really cannot add anymore at the moment but am off tomorrow on tour. Bus cleaned and ready to fly.

My feelings right now

It's kinda hard to describe how I am feeling, but to put it simply is numb. I just feel that everything that I have been through has dissolved and completely gone. As if it was a passing phase of my life that needed to be aired. I really do not have any desire to carry on with this whole thing right now and just feel like going out, getting my hair cut and getting back to my male lifestyle. I really cannot take the hassle anymore of the pain that this causes. There are so many others out there at the moment that are suffering with what I have, so is it time to come to peace with myself and say that this is the way it always has been and the way it always will be no matter what or do I carry on the fight to do this and run the risk of humilliation. I have seen enough of the comments posted in the past to suggest that people can be less understanding over this situation.
I really don't know anymore and will just to the courses for horses thing.

People around me cannot see how I can be TS as I have been told recently but it is something that I have contained in my mind for so long so the signs I suppose were not that obvious. Hmm well maybe this could be a turning point in my life. We will wait and see.

God I am really sorry for the recent outburst of emotional state. I have emailed a few over at the Angels forum to say that I am ok.
I am finding it a little hard right now but for some reason cannot understand why. I know that I need to move on to the next level and feel comfortable with my current state. I have never been happier but why the heck is this happening to me. It seems to have gone full circle back to where I was back in February.

I have recently got involved with a community project that I can help out a few evenings a wee when I am back home. I also get help through this with the various issues that I am facing myself. My main concern is to get myself back on the waggon and off the drink. Although I do not drink as much as I did a year ago it has to go completely. Hopefully this will not be as hard to do as in previous times and I have the incentive that I cannot drink infront of my group which I will be picking up and dropping off constantly over the next 5 weeks.

I am also scared by the recent changes that I have come to terms with over the last few months. Unlike many of the girls I have spoken to, I get no real gratification over dressing in female clothes. In actual fact if there was any way that this could be avoided then I would take those measures. I think that I have mentioned that fact before somewhere.
To me this is a unity of my mind and my bodily functions or in simple terms the person that I really am.
Going back to work in male mode is not helping either but am too soon into this job to talk about my situation. Anyway I will be out of the industry at the end of the season.

Thus summing up, I am confused, hate my identity, but happy yet scared to hell about moving towards my next level of transition. Hmmm can anything be done to save this girl. Maybe not but fear not I am not doing anything stupid

I have done something stupid

I am pissed off by the "Do-gooders" that think that they can make a difference on the angels forum. I have asked for my account to be deleted and have used my male name in the postings. This quest still remains on but there are a few that need to open their eyes. I have gotten so low over this situation over the last few months that now I am happier than ever and do DO NOT want to let anything or anyone sand in my way. Sorry but that is the way it is for the moment.

Why

Why try and make things look rosy when clearly they are not.
I have lost so much in the past and gained very little. Days, weeks & months have passed that I have just merely existed and have fought to survive. Story of my dam life and can always manage to find a way to blow it completely. Most of my problems now are caused by the demon alcohol and tend to find myself sloping off to the pub whenever I get the chance. However it is such sessions that have brought my whole world crashing down recently and this is something that I hate and has left me with little options now open to me.

Why do I continue to battle on when clearly there is an option that if I did not exist anymore then I would never be missed. I think the main reason for this is I have tried many times and failed. The mind of any person attempting to self harm is that misty fog, that there is no clear way out. No visible approach and they have desperately tried to turn the corners to change things but keep hitting a brick wall at each turn.
So have I hit another brick wall? Well not really but have kind of screwed things up big time that has lost me respect. And that to me is the most painful thing, booze fueled stupidity that comes with irreversible conditions.

Hmmm well, this eveing did not go according to plan. Not my fault by any means but lets say I want out.

Yesterday was busy with airport transfers with the incomming passegngers of my 6 day tour. The group seem really nice and we are gettingalong just fine. It's a sahme that I ave to break from them after only 6 days but the powers above have me lined up for something different.
I was looking at an afternoons shopping but a passenger missed her connection at Heatrow and I was summoned back to the airport to find that she had caught an earlier flight in and had got the local bus into town.

Today saw the city tour. Again we should have been finished by luchtime but we mad a detour to Hillsborough just down the road.it's a quiaint little village and was thoroughly enjoable. I did get some time to go into Belfast and have a look around the city. I went into Argos and bought a celtic cross necklace but realized when trying to put it on that my hand eye co-ordination is still not good ad made the clasp tricky so have left that until I get a few pints inside me later.
I also bought some hair products as my hair keeps gettingblown around by the wind which is embarresing at times.
Ok I had a browse around a couple of shops for clothes and decided that I would wait until I get some more cash together and losse a bit more weight. I feel that there is no real rush to start buying clothes that I am not going to wear as yet. However I did not feel out of place and help my head high when a couple of school girls passed me giggling as they went on their way. I did not for one moment think that this was directed at me so why should I feel bad.

Tonight I am off out with the group for a meal. This job is certainly different from the last one as all evening meals were provided. Hey but I get to eat in some class places so I am not complaining.
I feel though that I am at ease and seem to be loosing weight too. Another bonus is that I have cut down on smoking and therefore am determined to quit now.

I feel that at this stage of my transition, I need to concentrate on vanity stuff like getting laser started. I hate shaving now and always seem to cut myself somehow. Ahh well it will happen within the next week or so.
I have 3 days off next week and intend to goto Cork for the day, shopping and for IPL tratment. I am also looking into getting my tattoo done which in my mind symbalises the changes in my life.

Anyway it's off now for dinner, will report back later


xxx Katy xxx