Does it get any easier or any better the longer this situation goes on? I keep asking myself this over and over again and keep coming to the same conclusion that the pain will ease over a period of time, pretty much like it did when I lost my father.
I still feel this sense of being trapped and knowing no way out. It did not help last night when I was talking to my recently appointed housemate whom has no idea about my condition. We got chatting about gay people and I asked him straight out if he thought that I was different in any sense. Hmmm gay he replied, no never. But I found myself coming to the defence of a community to which of sorts I am associated. The conversation then drew us both to the pub, or should I say, me back to the pub. I seem to have taken up drinking in volume again which is not good with the season here about to kick off. I knew that this would happen as I said yesterday about the whole shopping dilemma. One can only live in hope that once I start hitting the hotels again, I can slope quietly to my room and play around getting my makeup right and such things.

I have been thinking though quite a lot about position of work, but knowingly inside that I cannot transition and work in the company I currently work for. However it might work out as I am on the road most of the time. Hmmm still working on those thoughts. I am also looking to take off in my van and head for somewhere completely different but not before my trip to Thailand for my throat shaving thingy at the end of the year.

I have also made considerations as to changing my female name to tie in with my male name, but woke this morning to say to myself Katy you stupid cow. Kathryn has varied over the years but have stuck with that name since i was about 19 and therefore decided that it should stay.

xxx Katy xxx

I sit here on a cloud of silver linings looking down at the world below. I take a deep breath and sigh, thinking of sweet nothings.

Regret, dis-appointment and confusion are the words of today's list.

It seems that I have been exploited for my good nature by a few people where i live, one more so is my best mate who could soon become and ex-mate. I have always looked out for te welfare of those close to me and in recent times have gotten nothing back in return. I feel somewhat saddened by this especially as I have sat here for the last 3 months battling to try and accept myself for who i really am. This is the latest upsets on my long road and seems for the moment that the fire has been extinguished from my life. I would pay tribute to all those who have helped me in the past especially the ones I now feel close to over at the angels website. This has been a tricky venture for me so far and know that worse is about to come, so pretty much have to overcome this hurdle as quickly as i can. The utter temptation to leave is high in my thoughts at the moment, but that would only mean going back and I need to progress forward.

Again today I have been lazy so far. Just woke up and broke down a few cigarette buts to make into a roll-up. Hmmm not the position that I had hoped to be in as last year had everything going for me. But hey will be back at work shortly. That is the only hope that keeps me away from anything that could harm me and by christ as small a hope as it is, it's bloody worth it. I often wonder what it would be like to live a normal male life. I may have posted this further down the line, but these thoughts keep popping up from time to time and have to get them down. I know that my mental state is female and know what must be done in order to complete the process, but am too scared to make that all important first move. I can normally do this with the aid of alcohol but that now becomes a domineering factor of my ability to make decisions.
I have this constant battle to keep my life on track often thinking too what it would be like if I could ust die and get out of here. My pain and suffering continues and think now that if I transition, I am going to ave to explain myself more and have got the problems of riddicule by other people . God I wish there was an easy sloution to this problem but there isn't. Quite simply I battle on in the best way possible.

My thoughts are now to going out and doing some shopping for some nice tops, but having to pass a good number of pubs and not go in can be quite crippling. The other factor is the guilt trip I will have on making purchase and on what the shop assistant might think of me buying womens clothes. This has been a painful factor of mine for years and never had any such problems when I was buying for another female.

Anyway, I have to charge the phone up and am looking to make an all important call to Dr James Kelly in Dublin. I think that the wait to see him is more beneficial to me than going to England, firstly is once I am on the system, I can get better help with hormones and not making that journey every 3 months to the UK. I am going to do this and am going to make the break and go and do some shopping. That is my tast to be done before the end of the day.

xxx Katy xxx

It as taken me a while to sit here and think about where I have gone wrong and that afterthought has made me realize that I have trampled on someone who has always tried to help me. Despite the fact that this person is owning me money, there was a trust that had been built up over the years and now that has been slashed big time.

I feel the need to just get out of the limelight for a while and this can be done in the next few weeks of going back to work. It might also curb my drinking too as I am fully intent of making this the best year that I can and will finally be able to live life the way that it was intended to be lived. My toruble of late have been masked by the fact that I thought that I had come to terms with my condition, but in truth, it hurts every bit as it did back at the beginning of the year. I feel that if I drink that one day I won't wake up, but that is not my style and have fought to the very last.

I sit here hoping for the solution to pop right into mind and unless I make that carismatic step into the big wide world of unkowings, will never make it over the threshold. It is a step that I am scared to make, having many nightmares and dreams about strutting around in a female role. However the time has now come to do such a deed and is like walking all over again.

The desperation of wanting to move away on my own fuelled by the lack of cash situations at the moment are also depressing factors, but need to pull myself together as it is only a few more weeks till I move. I have found a place that the neighbours are few and could probably go un-noticed in my general day to day life.
Ofcourse, i will have to drive to get to the local shops, but is a deterrant for me to go out drinking. I can only dream about my sense of heaven at this time, like I can only dream about those big steps into the world. But one things for sure, I am going to try my upmost to get those rediculous thoughts out of my head about the not waking up bit, because one day it will happen.

Often, I dream about if I were not this way and what would have happened to me. I might have been married with children, I might have been able to concentrate more on setting up my own business. But hey, that is not likely to ever happen to me at all.
When you sit there and see people in their day to day lives and especially at christmas, it tends to bring a tear to your eye because in all honesty, this is a dam lonely life that I am leading.

xxx Katy xxx

Oh god, I have screwed up bigtime now. Went on the town last night and god what a session that was. I seem to be more comfortable talking about things when I have had a few beers, which is not completly the right thing to do because I just don't stop talking. Anyway I tried to phone me mate who still owes me a lot of money and just kept getting hung up on all the time. Well this kinda pissed me off and decided to take tactical measures and phone up the company he works for. Hmmm not a good move too.

It seems that I just want to blame someone for the way I am at the moment, but no-one is to blame.

Anyway, I am hoping to pluck up the courage and go out and buy a new top today and start getting my wardrobe sorted out. I seem to feel a sense of guilt buying clothes as i know that they are for me. This normally results in going to the pub first and having a few pints for courage.

Anyway going to leave it at that and will report later if I actually made it out.:D

As much as i feel content with the way my life is going now, still have little thorns that make this a nasty experience to deal with. I have been here in Ireland for the past year and a half and only knew my old schoolfriend here. Having fallen in love with the place and now decided that this is where I am going to settle in my female role am quite content to stay on. However things have taken an ugly turn just recently as my mate is no longer speaking to me over money that he owes me, which I am now asking to be repaid. I went out the other day and in true spirits of knowing how to deal best with my problems aka getting totally intoxicated, decided that I woul give his father a briefing over the phone. I know that this is going to have come bace effects and when it does is only scratching the surface on the pain that I have suffered after being let down so bad.
I was expecting a payment on Thursday which he failed to meet and that was going to pay for my deposit with Dr Curtis. I now have to wait another few weeks while I get back to work and get my main bills paid up before I can make this appointment now.

It is not only my mate that has screwed me over with money, my mother has too. She often states how I helped them out and how grateful she is, but never mentions re-paying me.

I have decided that although I am going back driving and will hardly be home during the summer and the winter come to that, I am going for a place of my own very very shortly. I have spoken to a guy letting a property out in the country and have decided that this is the place where I will start my transition.

I always state that my physical appearance would not differ from what it is now but am wanting that full on female wardrobe and my aim is to dump anything male that I have by the end of the year. Yes this means more and more shopping for this little girl and going to start on Monday to get some stuff for me to wear when I go to the UK. I am going to travel as male and will get a makeover and changed for the occasion. After that is a matter of time until I start living my RLE fulltime.

There is a lot that needs to be done now with my health and this is main priority over anything else at the moment. My weight is currently boardering up and down the scale of a couple of pounds but can feel the physical changes and feels better within myself.

I am getting ready to venture out this afternoon to watch the rugby down me local pub. My home county of Gloucester is playing the county I am in now (Munster) and will have the pleasure of being in rivalry between the locals here. Not very girly but hey still have some moral pride over where I come from, which is about all I have left to hang on to these days.

For anybody looking into transition or anybody who cannot understand what we are going through, it is bloody hard and lonely. You have to totally re-build your life and think very carefully about each step along the way. For me this is not something that I want to be doing, but feel totally cut off mentally from my physical state. Along the way, people will loose all faith in you as they cannot really understand why you are doing this thing.

Anyway enough said for the mo'


xxx Katy xxx

Well i could not stay away from Angels for too long. The big ugly thing that we call the outside world is not a pretty place at the best of times. It seems that those whom we think are close to us are actually out for what they can milk us out of. I have found that out the hard way but now bouncing back in true bitchy fashion and demanding to have debts repaid. Well as to success, that remains to be seen but will have a dam good go.
Ok rant over. It has been a good week for me this week with a mixture of getting out and having some fun. I also made the break and brought me motorhome back to the house to get cleaned up and charge the batteries. The weather has also been kind in the latter part of the week, but still cannot make the most of it as I am still unable to walk much of a distance due to my leg. but am still battling on regardless.

I have reached another milestone in the last few days and decided that my appointment in London be sooner rather than later. It is kinda scary but exciting knowing that I am actually going to really kick start this whole process and the long path to my so called happiness. Deep down I am feeling more stable emotionally, mentally and yet to get the physical side sorted out. I still feel the sparkle in my eyes and acts like a youthful teenager. However I know there will be more dark tunnels ahead but the lights are on in preparation for these now.

Got a meeting later on today with the company I work for. oh this is a general meeting with all the drivers invited. Going to be fun observing grown men acting like little kids in a playground spurting out comments like "My bus is bigger than yours" and "I drive American golfers and make more money that you." Oh and there might be the odd sligh comment made towards me being English too. Little do they know that I am an English Transsexual. Hmmm their faces would drop. Then after the meeting it will be to the pub for me usual Thursday drink and might stop out for the evening.

My aim from now on is to make as many people smile or laugh as i can in any one given day. I read a post today on the angels forum of a T-Girl who recently took her own life. Not a good situation for anyone to be in as I know and have written about in the past. However, you can only help those who ask to be helped and there are those who suffer in silence and feel that there is only one way out of the misery and suffering. Being of any type of trans, whether TS or TV/CD is difficult and it seems that there are a lot that merely want to be accepted. I kinda take a different view to this now and merely want to be my true self. I look down evertime I have a shower or bath and still hate the sight and thought of having male genitals. This is not the way it is meant to be I should be totally female and soon will. I have also gotten to that stage where shaving has caused a rash so cannot wait to start Laser.

I am also going to start playing around with makeup shortly. This is going to be a novelty as I have only ever tried to use lipstick which added worked quite well. Although I still think that it can be a bit tarty, has to be perfected as the occasion might arise when I need a night out. Hmmm chances of that one is slim to none, but not going to count me chickens before they hatch.

If I have learned anything from my experience so far, is that I have now become a respectable person. I always had a problem and was lazy with certain daily things that should be executed like personal hygiene. I cannot wear the same clothes for more than one day now and sometimes need to change more than once a day. However my washing is quickly piling up and needs to be sorted. I often went for weeks without washing clothes but that can be attributed to my childhood as I was denied not just the right to be who I am but also the lack of cash and the equation of clothing. I always wanted to buy skirts and stuff and had no real interest in male clothes. Last year I thought I got over this and when I go FT, there will be around 30 shirts and about the same in trousers going to the charity shops. I now have the joyful task of buying femme clothes and looking out for something to wear when I go to London later this month. However, I am kinda looking forward to wearing skirts and girly tops, but the usual unisex look of loose jeans and me t-shirts will still be high on my dressing list. Tried them tight jeans once and didnot like them at all so will not be making such investments.

I also have to plan for future work. I cannot see myself after this year wanting to drive or even be involved in the transport industry. In saying that, there is and avenue opening for the driving instruction market now and am tempted to go all out for that. Hmmm would much prefer to do some charity work and try harder on my photography. But a girl needs an income to keep her in clothes and might go for a shop job or something like that. Was looking into a collage course but might prove to be difficult with spotty teenagers and a tranny.

Spoke to me mum yesterday about me intended visit to London, she seemed quite surprised at the fact that I was still on about my female side and thought that it was a phase or cry for attention. Well hello, I have been crying out for years to be recognized and not really going to back down now. I still remain loyal to her but hate her for the suffering and misery spent all these years. But was always taught not ot bare grudges. Hmmm well most of the time I don't but there is one case that I do and that is mother orientated and that was friends of hers that I rented my old property to. Well this guy and his wife and their sweaty little shits decided to make my life hell. The part that I am really looking forward to is getting my diagnosis for GID and bringing a case to court over allegations this woman made against me. It seems in the past, she has lied her way in and out of situations and made allegations of sexual assult aginst me towards her. Well armed with all the information on GID and presenting myself as Kathryn will drag the bottom of the river and bring up all sorts of memories but am going for a legal suit aginst her for these allegations which were blatently flase. I have only ever had one serious relationship and still have feelings for this girl. I should be able to prove although think I have ditched my old mobile, threatening messages sent to me but feel the allegations read to me on police recorded tape should be sufficent. Hmmm will keep the rest of those thoughts to myself.

Anyway still awake at 3:11am on this Thursday morning and no intentions of OOooooooo *yawns* sleeeping yet.
But have waffled enough for now.

xxxx Katy xxxx