I awake from what was a little disturbing tantrum of emotions last night just because I could not get my own way. I posted several messages over on the forum and deleted them because I knew in the back of my mind that people would get worried.
I went into town (city sorry) shopping yesterday and surprise surprise passed by so many shops without intention to browse or buy. Looking back in reflection I had a similar situation last year here having a panic attack and loosing my mind as a result. I tend to find crowds too much to deal with and have had this problem for the vast majority of my life.
Well back at the hotel I did the moral thing of getting drunk and felt more low than ever. It got to that stage where I really thought that this was a pointless mission and just wanted to end it all. This must have been the strongest suicidal tendancy I have had since march and went downstairs onto the street for a smoke as I have this balcony outside my room and who knows what I could have or would have done.
It is a split second that snaps and you make that choice. With emotions running high but it does pass belive me.
Well it just goes how weak I still am and need to change course to gain confidence before I jump through the hoop in November. I have set this date and there is no going back now.
Saturday, 19 July 2008
Friday, 18 July 2008
Tipping the balance
It seems that I am living on a knife-edge lately. Just one little sway the wrong way sends me into a spiral of devistation. I deleted the last post here under the same heading as I felt low at the time and all this because I could not face shopping in town today. I am wondering right now if I am ready for all of this.
In the middle
Ok swiftly moving on from the last post :)
It is 6:30am and I am sat here in the bedroom of my hotel looking back over the post that I made in the forum last night. Also doing some thinking abut where I have got to so far in this process of change. I really think that the fog has lifted over my vison of the whole transition process and have come to realize that as of November this year I will be stepping from one lifestyle to the other with no mini breaks in between. Rightly when this happens I am looking on "androgy" mode most of the time but in a good way. Recent concerns to my drinking have passsed and loosing weight as a result which I knew that this was the main problem. However I need to start exerises to tone up what once was a major issue for me :)
I now feel ready to mak this change and not even thinking about anything but my work right now and a few other secret girly thoughts running through my mind but they can be a little evil.
The spring in my step is light and not the "thud" of that in male mode and my voice seems to be getting softer again. All that deep vocal stuff I learned over a period of years to try and conceal my true self had become somewhat of a Natural'ish process and is hard to get out of.
It is 6:30am and I am sat here in the bedroom of my hotel looking back over the post that I made in the forum last night. Also doing some thinking abut where I have got to so far in this process of change. I really think that the fog has lifted over my vison of the whole transition process and have come to realize that as of November this year I will be stepping from one lifestyle to the other with no mini breaks in between. Rightly when this happens I am looking on "androgy" mode most of the time but in a good way. Recent concerns to my drinking have passsed and loosing weight as a result which I knew that this was the main problem. However I need to start exerises to tone up what once was a major issue for me :)
I now feel ready to mak this change and not even thinking about anything but my work right now and a few other secret girly thoughts running through my mind but they can be a little evil.
The spring in my step is light and not the "thud" of that in male mode and my voice seems to be getting softer again. All that deep vocal stuff I learned over a period of years to try and conceal my true self had become somewhat of a Natural'ish process and is hard to get out of.
Thursday, 17 July 2008
I know I promised
Not to talk about work on here but.... I am back in Dublin and another group which seem like sweethearts. I drove up this morning and thoughts were beaming through my mind about my life to date and the future. It looks rosey right now and hope that I do not get anymore knockbacks. Mind in saying this, I got hit back many times with my driving job but was always determined to fight back.
Wednesday, 16 July 2008
Another new day
Just got to start with this: I was hoping for a day out to Cork yesterday to pop by and see a few girls rom TENI the support group for people like me here in Ireland. Yes there seems to be others like me here too :) Well I was told by my boss that he had deposited some money into my account and thought I might pay the bank a visit. Well it was SHOCK HORROR! I had another €50 in my account and the way things are going here that is a cap full of diesel for a bus trip. :( Ok so I did what I do best when things get a bit like this, head to the pub. I got back around 5:30pm after taking a taxi home and realizing that the races were on here and traffic had stacked back to a vitual crawl in all directions which again at the rates taxis go for these days is not good.
I gets home and retreats to the lounge of my motorhome where I do quality thinking and listen to the radio. Sitting there thinking about why I had hit the pub made me realize that my goal now and before November is to loose weight and this now can only be done by a good diet (tick) and stopping drinking (HMMM!) So it was so ard to come to the conclusion that when I go out now, I enjoy 1 -2 orange juices and have the benefit of saving money and loosing weight. I think someone actually told me that once :)
Ok so plans for today: Sit here and do nothing. (Naaa) I have a load of laundry to do and get ready for the off tomorrow again. Back to Dublin and not sure when I will be back home again. Also got to undergo another laser session but thinking that the results are not being achieved owning to the fact that I catch the sun pretty well sat behind 6" of glass for 8 hours a day. God tha makes me sound like a live exhibit in a gallery. ;)
Ok for the moment anyway xxxx
I gets home and retreats to the lounge of my motorhome where I do quality thinking and listen to the radio. Sitting there thinking about why I had hit the pub made me realize that my goal now and before November is to loose weight and this now can only be done by a good diet (tick) and stopping drinking (HMMM!) So it was so ard to come to the conclusion that when I go out now, I enjoy 1 -2 orange juices and have the benefit of saving money and loosing weight. I think someone actually told me that once :)
Ok so plans for today: Sit here and do nothing. (Naaa) I have a load of laundry to do and get ready for the off tomorrow again. Back to Dublin and not sure when I will be back home again. Also got to undergo another laser session but thinking that the results are not being achieved owning to the fact that I catch the sun pretty well sat behind 6" of glass for 8 hours a day. God tha makes me sound like a live exhibit in a gallery. ;)
Ok for the moment anyway xxxx
Tuesday, 15 July 2008
Back at the laptop
I decided after my last post that I needed some down time to reflect on thoughts of what has happened over the last few months since writing here. That sense of calm has again sweeped over me and after a week without the computer have decided to post here again :)
I find it hard that something that has possessed me for the vast majority of my life and something that I have fear greatly has come to light and i have started opening up to people about my situation. It is like I have been serving a prison term for a crime that I didnot commit. Like a disease eating away at me that I have now come to realize is going to get me in the end. All this and more throughout my little shallow life and now comming to terms with the fact that whoever I present as, people will always look at me as an outcast and I might never fit in. At least now I have the opportunity to see what this life would be like to live on a daily basis.
I have found though that I have become too reliant on the chat forums that initially joined last year. No that is not fair to say as it was problems in 2006 that I started opening up to people. The times of darkness when I was looking for an answer to the problem at the bottom of a glass, the times where people made accusations against me and taunted me and bullied me and there was nothing I could do. The times when my whole life ripped apart and set me across the ocean to my paridise Ireland.
I know there are those out there who have battled similar situations and those like myself who feel alone in this situation and my heart really goes out to them.
The last six months at least has been discovering who I really am and the direction that I need to take to break out of this concrete barrage that has kept me locked away for so many years. I have looked at how that has effected my life to date. I have become stronger in mind now and not afraid to speak out about who I really am. I take no shit from anyone now.
There are still issues surrounding my life that need to be aired, I need to meet like-wise people and talk face to face about their lives and plan on doing that very very shortly.
But most of all I can see that the world will look at me in adifferent light be it male or female and always brand me as an out-cast. I may aswell be happy with myself whatever the situation.
I find it hard that something that has possessed me for the vast majority of my life and something that I have fear greatly has come to light and i have started opening up to people about my situation. It is like I have been serving a prison term for a crime that I didnot commit. Like a disease eating away at me that I have now come to realize is going to get me in the end. All this and more throughout my little shallow life and now comming to terms with the fact that whoever I present as, people will always look at me as an outcast and I might never fit in. At least now I have the opportunity to see what this life would be like to live on a daily basis.
I have found though that I have become too reliant on the chat forums that initially joined last year. No that is not fair to say as it was problems in 2006 that I started opening up to people. The times of darkness when I was looking for an answer to the problem at the bottom of a glass, the times where people made accusations against me and taunted me and bullied me and there was nothing I could do. The times when my whole life ripped apart and set me across the ocean to my paridise Ireland.
I know there are those out there who have battled similar situations and those like myself who feel alone in this situation and my heart really goes out to them.
The last six months at least has been discovering who I really am and the direction that I need to take to break out of this concrete barrage that has kept me locked away for so many years. I have looked at how that has effected my life to date. I have become stronger in mind now and not afraid to speak out about who I really am. I take no shit from anyone now.
There are still issues surrounding my life that need to be aired, I need to meet like-wise people and talk face to face about their lives and plan on doing that very very shortly.
But most of all I can see that the world will look at me in adifferent light be it male or female and always brand me as an out-cast. I may aswell be happy with myself whatever the situation.
Monday, 7 July 2008
And then it was down that slippery slope
I must admit that this has been a roller coaster of events the last 6 months or so. Just when you think you are on a high or stabilized, then something smacks you right in the face and you feel right back down in the gutter again.
Recently I spoke to my step-father about my situation but it seems since then I have felt low and not wanting to make an effort with anything in life.
I am currently on a week off from work as the hype has cooled off a bit for this month at least. Getting my pay cheque I was going to hit the shops and treat myself, but instead I headed for a few relaxing pints :( This turns into a drinking session from hell that I found myself with no control over and add a bit of bad health and some dodgy food, well to say the least I have not been right since.
I cannot see right now what has driven me so far to this point and have no visions what-so about the future. It all seems like a blur and a dream that I have woken up from.
I think that it is just a case of time before this whole situation takes a turn for the worst and all starts over again.
There are so many that know about my situation from the close knit circuit of my life but not one actually knows the pain and suffering that i have gone through to get to this point.
Ahh well I think the body needs a rest and just going to take it easy for a while. I have seen this situation so many times before and can bounce back just as quick. But honestly in thinking about the whole picture, I am lonely and scared about what the future holds.
Recently I spoke to my step-father about my situation but it seems since then I have felt low and not wanting to make an effort with anything in life.
I am currently on a week off from work as the hype has cooled off a bit for this month at least. Getting my pay cheque I was going to hit the shops and treat myself, but instead I headed for a few relaxing pints :( This turns into a drinking session from hell that I found myself with no control over and add a bit of bad health and some dodgy food, well to say the least I have not been right since.
I cannot see right now what has driven me so far to this point and have no visions what-so about the future. It all seems like a blur and a dream that I have woken up from.
I think that it is just a case of time before this whole situation takes a turn for the worst and all starts over again.
There are so many that know about my situation from the close knit circuit of my life but not one actually knows the pain and suffering that i have gone through to get to this point.
Ahh well I think the body needs a rest and just going to take it easy for a while. I have seen this situation so many times before and can bounce back just as quick. But honestly in thinking about the whole picture, I am lonely and scared about what the future holds.
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