Waking to wish this was all a dream

Ok it is the first low I have had for ages and has been fairly short lived. I just got on with life in the usual slubbourn way that I know how. I do wonder though about others that are travelling this road as one of the girls that I have become quite close to recently has gone off the rails and is leaving the signs of self-destruction but not listening to a word of what anybody says. It has got my back up and have decided a break from trans sites for an un-specified period. :)

Late learner

I consider myself to be behind in the practicalities of every day life as a female. Most girls start playing with makeup at an early age but for me was more a case of playing with mates and not doing the girly things I should have done. Well so much for history but it is not all so simple. I have spent many years fighting against myself and hiding away my femininity from public view or so I thought that I was doing a good job, but you know it's hard to be something that your not and act in a manner of how people expect you to. Well it has taken a long time but alas I am moving from strength to strength and learning fast as i progress.
Well recently I have been playing about with foundation and after a few attempts and products later have found that this process comes pretty natural to me. Call it female intuition if you must but that is the way I am looking at it. Not overdoing stuff and just about the amount of basics that take away that ugly face that I have had staring back at me for all these years.

A walk under the moonlight

It's moments like this that have to be savoured, as for tonight whilst walking home under the starlit skies I was besotted by a sight that I had only ever seen in films and something I thought that I would never see was a shooting star flying across the sky in front of me.
Shivers were sent down my spine but I felt something so special as I continued my walk along the darkened road towards home, the sense of awe and comfort for a sight that I shall probably never see again.
Helped along by the song of the running rivers and dry leaves being blown across the road behind I danced along like a little school girl having never sensed this force of freedom that for so long has been held so deep, alas I can start to see some shape forming within the life that I have so longed to become mine.

For the sake of sanity

It for reasons that I cannot explain as to who, why, where or what made me the way I am and for a number of years I had been tearing myself apart with the turmoil surrounding who I was, Why was this happening, where I was going in life and what could I do about it.
The answers were never met and strangely enough I declined the fight against myself and the torment that I had put myself through all these years to realize that over the horizon a new day was about to dawn but I just had to get there.
It was a feat that took great courage and emotional breakdowns but I battled on and made it to that ultimate destination. Now whilst trudging down this road and getting knocked back in many ways I am took on-board some newly found skills of control, respect, strength, inner peace and confidence. These took a while to juggle about with to get them all working together in harmony which is something that I had never possessed before, it was like learning to walk all over again and learning to speak in a language that for so long I had never understood. Yet part of me was determined to de-cypher this code into the meaning of life itself, the reasons to be happy with who I was and make the changes towards being the proper me.

Waking to a grey Saturday

The skies around look full of emotion once again as a typical Irish autumn creeps into action.
The summer for what we had gone and now a distant memory likewise with the prospects of earning and saving grace for the harvest season.
Armed with sanity and a heart full of joy I ponder over how I am going to make my next crust as the nestegg and fortune are tied up in material possessions which I am inclined not to sell as this could be my security for the future.
I know over the coming months that things are going to be difficult but it is a case of batten down the hatches and ride the storm of this horrible credit crunch thing. I must be fortunate in that respect of not having too much in the way of debts however it would have been nicer to have made more hay this summer to store away for these cold winter evenings that are lurking around the corner. But fear not as the wild winds blow, I can sit safely in the comfort of my home and wait for those dry days to come again.

KJK

My day is coming soon to a street near you

The encapsulation of this ugly caterpillar in nearing an end and the light at the end of the tunnel nearly reached. For each and every day that passes now I grow stronger and more confident to get out there on the streets and show those people the true me.
I must admit that recently I made a few drunken purchases to which I have no regrets and still needs more in the way of clothes. I think this was building up in me for a number of years as i was denied so much as a child and now I don't have people watching my every move can express myself more freely.
The only hurdle I need to get over right now is the application of makeup but that takes time and practice like everything else. I now look and feel more like the woman I should have been and feel so comfortable in the clothes that I wear and feel more in tune with my female senses. Well as much as things need to be sorted out on the work front, I am making the most of now and have plans for the coming week to sort out my benefits which will then be followed by another little treat of getting my ears pierced. Everything seems to be falling into place and the negatives have definitely been left behind.
I feel now that I can look back at the past 9 months and reflect what a tough time I have had but revel in the moment that I have gained the strength to accept myself fully and have made the effort forward to change things to how they should have been.

It has been a long and costly lesson to be learned and nearly on many occasions cost me my life. Well if anybody wants to question me now I am more than happy to answer without being fuelled by booze or anything else that held me back.

Welcome back

It has been a while since I have posted here, but that is mainly due to my last assignment and problems with the internet, fuelled by not really knowing what to say or post.

Well it has been a time of highs recently but with troubled times ahead as work has been cut short. I have therefore made the most of being myself and going out and buying more clothes ;) and had a comment passed the other day that "she was a very lucky and special woman" to which I just smiled as my stuff was packed into the bag.
It seems to get harder though at this stage to go back into any kind of male mode stuff but made the sacrifice for my last mission. Now all I want to do is just to be myself and cannot believe that this day has finally come that the changeover is about to take place. Well not exactly going to be an instant thing as I have found the daily stuff like makeup a bit of a challenge but with a bit of practice surely things will come right. It is also the attention to detail that is coming together too hair, clothes and such and I can claim never to be the kind of person to be fashion conscious but now this development in the is taking place find that what I have been lacking all these years as a plastic male is the inability to choose clothes that I feel comfortable in and makes me feel special, well all that is changing.

I feel more femanine now than I ever have done and I know that once I start HRT that things will start to change. Well one of my main concerns was breast growth and after wearing my in-fills for the past couple of weeks I now have this urge for breast augmentation.

Anyway, enough ramblime for me ;)

Katy