The road gets longer

When I started this blog and chose the title I guess I didn't realise what kind of journey I was going to have to this point. I guess recently over the past months that I've been so wrapped up in health issues with one thing and another, I kind if forgot the good points to transitioning and the purpose of it all.
Back in the days of being in hospital I kinda opened up and started to express myself more freely and then came the storm again up until very recent where I couldn't think about buying clothes or even face looking in at shop windows. Gradually I am picking up the pieces and re-building my dear shattered life. The funny thing is that with all this emotinal stuff that has been going on in my head recently the gender issues has virtually taken care of itself and with every knockback I become stronger and more determined.

When I started making plans to transition my whole intent was to let the course of time do its work, like growing my hair and eventually when I get onto HRT again it will be a painstaking process but time will produce results. And the theory behind my madness is that I have lived a false life to date so want these transformations to be as natural as possible.
I guess too that my approach to all of this is being met with respect from most people I get involved with mainly because they can see the true pain and suffering that I am going through plus I haven't really changed too much as yet. Again the big idea of letting time take its course.

The start of a brand new week

.............. and already I'm completely drained of energy *sigh*
It seems to be the norm these days of battling against the mind tends to drain a person of physical properties. Not good as I am in the midst of a fairly pysical job that I was hoping to get finished this week.

I have to be thankful that I'm still here, or so I'm consistantly told, anyway which ever way the pain and suffering continues daily.

Smile! It increases face value

Well this should be a happy time for me but right now I feel deeper in the depths of depression than ever. I was sat here thinking yesterday and what ever I thought turned into depression and suicidal thoughts. I've had enough of this battle to say the least.
Ok scrub those last thoughts. :)

I'm going to add on to this post ;)
Even at my best I find it almighty hard to find it in myself to smile. It's just one of those things living with the feelings of being trapped within the wrong gender and everything that one does seems false.
Now things have started to move on a little from keeping "the big secret" to sharing your life, your biggest fears and your dreams all rolled into one with professionals in the medical circle.
The bubble burst for me in
January leaving me exposed, frightened& vulnerable or so I thought.
These days I seem to be battling to re-build my shattered life and although I seem to be tipping away it still hurts deep down.
I do have to confess that I am somewhat happier in life these days but by god when the black thoughts hit, they hit hard.
Now I am about to start another chapter in my long journey and into the unknown of what could either make or break me as the waggon rolls away from my house of horrors yet what I still regard as my safety zone. Still given time and building trust with people I could be back close by shortly. Ok being evicted has taken its toll on me recently and I'm kinda bitter the way it has been done yet as said it is the opportunity to move on which honestly scares me to hell.

The late nite club

Here I am, led awake with nothing in patricular on my mind. It's funny though how things this year have gone from bad to worse and seems like I have had to start to walk all over again.
Well now at least I'm coping better and have something to strive for and enjoying the ride now I have control again. Needless to say I'm not going to rule out any future problems that may be like I have already been through, but until that happens I'm
just going with the flow and will cross such bridges when I get there.

Just when it couldn't get any worse!

Things have been on the up & up recently but had a knockback yesterday (Friday) when I was given less than 2 weeks to find alternate accomodation. I guess the landlady has been having hassle off the neighbours complaining of the slightest little thing and had decided to sell the property.
Well I wasn't really shocked by this news as I had a feeling in my water for a few weeks now and was offered accomodation the other night by a good friend of mine just accross the green from where I am now.
The other option is to move down the road to another friends farm where I shall be roughing it in my motorhome. Well not really as I have lived in this since Febuary and is quite cosy to say the least. It's an option I am willing to discuss as I can help out on the farm that he has so it will work 2 ways. Ahh well at least I won't be on the streets like I was in 2006.

Why?

It seems this little 3 letter word has become the norm recently with mostly all aspects of my life.
The biggest why though is aimed at the constant horrible thoughts that I battle with all the time. Why can't these just go away? or why do I survive when all around me seems destined to fail?
Ok the latter of the 2 is pretty negative but was the attitude that I had at the beginning of the year. The trouble was that I was in unchartered waters after opening up to complete strangers about my condition which in turn set off the self-destruct mechanism within that I had always feared. The problem with GD is the self-inflicted hatred and fear of peoples reactions yet the people I have spoken with have actually been supportive, so why was I worried?
Ok I won't answer that as I will leave it to the imagination ;)

Ok on a lighter note today came another why? and in the process the good honourable Kerry weather raged against me walking out town this morning. God I looked a mess but had a good sense of humour over it. It takes something as trivial as getting wet to highten my mood right now as there seems to be too much serious stuff to be concerned over.

Anyway I shall leave it at that for now as the glucose levels have taken a tumble plus I need to conquer some fears that I have got set into my mind about going into town.
Who said this was going to be plane sailing huh?

Tis been a while!

It's been a fair while since I have posted here, partly due to the death of the lappy (2005-2009 R.I.P)
Well the last 6-7months haven't really been a bundle of fun to say the least, and while I still continue the battle of a 90° vertical climb, lets say that there is a reason to fight on even if at times it seems too hard.