I spoke to my tour guide this morning and got the SP on this weeks events.
I got to the hotel safely and met with the guide having a chat over a drink. I cannot belive that at the beginning of this year I said to myself that this was the year it was going to happen and it is.
I thought that I was driving a 24 seat minibus but ended up 43 seater. Hmmm.
I got into the bus and felt so comfortable and confident and just drove off. Ok 7 hours to get here but am staying in the Hilton in Belfast and the rest of the hotels this year will also be 5*. I have booked in tomorrow for a spa treatment in the afternoon. i think I deserve this as a treat for getting this far. I am off working in the morning and shopping in the afternoon and then some TLC. :)
I haveto admit though that this post and the whole not is costing me a fortune but dam worth it.
While driving I was thinking about my future and kinda excited and sad to be doing this. I just feel so free at the moment after all these years of suffering.
Will hope to get back on here at the next hotel. I am cut of as of 12pm tomorrow. :)
Wednesday, 30 April 2008
The big day is here
6:15(ish)am. All is quiet on the home front. Last night I went out with the housemates to watch football on the telly of all things. One had to go to his mums and the other was just that boring he came back home too. This left just me and my female housemate chatting away. We got chatting about my situation and I must admit that I feel pretty excited at the moment. I am in my right mind now (I think) and can look forward towards my transition.
In our conversation we got talking about fanciable men and she was astounded at the fact that I could relate to that. Well at the end of the day it is simple in the way that I think and have the same mental senses as a female.
We had a bit of a giggle over one of our fellow housemates who I was in the pub with on Saturday night and his excitement towards the hen party that came in. It seems that he will go for anything in a skirt, so I am going to have to be careful if I go out for the night post-op :)
Anyway the big day has arrived. New job, new month and the start of my new life.
Everything seems to have dropped into place at the right time. I no longer have issues over my identity and am happy to carry on using my male name for the next 6 months. But for all my life I have dreamed and feared this moment and now it is actually happening for me. It's kinda strange how everything just fits in nicely as it would be my worst nightmare trying to entertain people and dealing with personal issues so prominent as what I have been through.
Tomorrow I have several transfers to sort out and Friday I am only out for a few hours so have the rest of the afternoon free to hit the town. Shopping! hmmm something I am learning quickly. Ok I cannot afford to go overboard on this at the moment but want a few tops and see what other delights are in store.
It really is going to be a killer today travelling past a shopping complex that for so long I have wanted to visit. Well I look at it this way, I have no money to spend anyway and browsing amongst the fabulous clothes will only make me depressed if I cannot buy. So ok I will get over it:(
It could also be difficult in the sense that I have not driven since November last year and all of a sudden will be making the trip again across country. God if only I had a pound for everytime I .............. wait up, Hmmm icouls buy a new outfit for everytime I have to travel the long daunting road on my own to Dublin. Now the world seems a whole lot brighter.
Anyway I am going to start putting some piccies up here soon. Most of landscapes and a few of me :D
In our conversation we got talking about fanciable men and she was astounded at the fact that I could relate to that. Well at the end of the day it is simple in the way that I think and have the same mental senses as a female.
We had a bit of a giggle over one of our fellow housemates who I was in the pub with on Saturday night and his excitement towards the hen party that came in. It seems that he will go for anything in a skirt, so I am going to have to be careful if I go out for the night post-op :)
Anyway the big day has arrived. New job, new month and the start of my new life.
Everything seems to have dropped into place at the right time. I no longer have issues over my identity and am happy to carry on using my male name for the next 6 months. But for all my life I have dreamed and feared this moment and now it is actually happening for me. It's kinda strange how everything just fits in nicely as it would be my worst nightmare trying to entertain people and dealing with personal issues so prominent as what I have been through.
Tomorrow I have several transfers to sort out and Friday I am only out for a few hours so have the rest of the afternoon free to hit the town. Shopping! hmmm something I am learning quickly. Ok I cannot afford to go overboard on this at the moment but want a few tops and see what other delights are in store.
It really is going to be a killer today travelling past a shopping complex that for so long I have wanted to visit. Well I look at it this way, I have no money to spend anyway and browsing amongst the fabulous clothes will only make me depressed if I cannot buy. So ok I will get over it:(
It could also be difficult in the sense that I have not driven since November last year and all of a sudden will be making the trip again across country. God if only I had a pound for everytime I .............. wait up, Hmmm icouls buy a new outfit for everytime I have to travel the long daunting road on my own to Dublin. Now the world seems a whole lot brighter.
Anyway I am going to start putting some piccies up here soon. Most of landscapes and a few of me :D
Tuesday, 29 April 2008
With the big day looming
I sat back this morning over a cuppa tea and thought about the few months ahead of me and the work I am likely to be doing. Ok really dreaming of earning a wage again. It suddenly struck me that in less than 24 hours the clock will be ticking for a life changing motion. I can actually start planning and saving towards my transition and every little step I take and every week that goes by is one less that I will suffer.
This year has already gone by pretty quick and sure as heck that the next 6 months will sail by too. Ok I love for each and every day and live every day to the full.
Battling against GID, alcohol abuse, smoking are all major factors that I have to overcome. There is still a long way to go but in my eyes now have closed the chapter of one book and about to write another. This is a direction that I have no idea what lies ahead, it's kinda scary but exciting as well. Having drawn the conclusion that this needs to be done, I dream now of nights out with friends and feeling relaxed and enjoying myself.
Of course there is no magical solution but feel now that my life is about to begin. I look back to tarot card readings I have done back in the UK ad all seems to be slotting into place. All the readings were basically the same and I was always told that I would move across the water and my life had not yet begun. Ok that was at a time when I was fighting to stay at my place in the UK and did not believe for one second that I would actually move. The scary thing was that I sold and felt so comfortable when i got to Ireland and just did not want to leave so I never.
Now my life is about to begin, my true personality is shining through and I can at least relax now safe in the knowledge that in time I can be complete.
My thoughts still reflect back to when I was younger and can see now the impact this has had within my life. I used to go to sleep dreaming about being a girl and one day this would happen. I am not fighting no more against my feelings and have to go with the flow. It is going to be scary at first in the big wide world but hey that happens to me all the time, i get scared. There now seems to be an air of confidence in me that I ave never felt before. We had a situation on the angels site there at the weekend. There was a lot of talk about setting up a support group and I took the bold steps of doing it. Never before have I been at the forefront of anything like this but I am not scared to do it now. Before i used to slope into the background and just hide away my fears. I make jokes now with certain housemates about what I will be like after my operation. I am a completly different person.
I still ask the big question though if I had the chance would I change anything. Hmmm well now I never would. I have hated myself for so many years and am so wrapped up in my own natural beauty that I could never invisage life in any other way.
This year has already gone by pretty quick and sure as heck that the next 6 months will sail by too. Ok I love for each and every day and live every day to the full.
Battling against GID, alcohol abuse, smoking are all major factors that I have to overcome. There is still a long way to go but in my eyes now have closed the chapter of one book and about to write another. This is a direction that I have no idea what lies ahead, it's kinda scary but exciting as well. Having drawn the conclusion that this needs to be done, I dream now of nights out with friends and feeling relaxed and enjoying myself.
Of course there is no magical solution but feel now that my life is about to begin. I look back to tarot card readings I have done back in the UK ad all seems to be slotting into place. All the readings were basically the same and I was always told that I would move across the water and my life had not yet begun. Ok that was at a time when I was fighting to stay at my place in the UK and did not believe for one second that I would actually move. The scary thing was that I sold and felt so comfortable when i got to Ireland and just did not want to leave so I never.
Now my life is about to begin, my true personality is shining through and I can at least relax now safe in the knowledge that in time I can be complete.
My thoughts still reflect back to when I was younger and can see now the impact this has had within my life. I used to go to sleep dreaming about being a girl and one day this would happen. I am not fighting no more against my feelings and have to go with the flow. It is going to be scary at first in the big wide world but hey that happens to me all the time, i get scared. There now seems to be an air of confidence in me that I ave never felt before. We had a situation on the angels site there at the weekend. There was a lot of talk about setting up a support group and I took the bold steps of doing it. Never before have I been at the forefront of anything like this but I am not scared to do it now. Before i used to slope into the background and just hide away my fears. I make jokes now with certain housemates about what I will be like after my operation. I am a completly different person.
I still ask the big question though if I had the chance would I change anything. Hmmm well now I never would. I have hated myself for so many years and am so wrapped up in my own natural beauty that I could never invisage life in any other way.
Monday, 28 April 2008
Monday morning
Ok this is not a depressing post but time is now running out for me to get stuff sorted. Got me case packed yesterday and most of what I need is to hand so not too worried about that. I have had a bit of a depressing thought though. While packing I realized that i have to dress to look the part and as I am not fully out yet that means wearing shirt/tie. Hmmm never really felt comfortable with that but have done it as part of the job. This is the other reason that I am giving in at the end of the season. But it is the way I feel inside now. I am completely different and given half the chance will be in a black skirt and something more appropriate. There is one good thing though. Have been told that once I have met the passengers I can then change into what I feel comfortable in. So investing in a load of polo-shirts and black jeans. As long as i look presentable that is all that matters. Ok dilema over :)
Sunday, 27 April 2008
A fresh start
Getting to this level has been a hard up-hill battle with emotions and mental state. I now have to start looking at the physical changes needed to move on to the next level. Looking at the next steps I need to make to become the butterfly that I am going to change into. At the moment, I am happy in my little cocoon transforming from what was once an ugly caterpillar. Ok buying clothes is of the essence and a must for any girl who wants to look and feel her best. But there is more to it than that, I need to start getting Laser treatment and make the alterations visually for that beautiful feminine look.
The course of time will tell these next few months and will go by so quick. I also need to loose a bit more weight and trim down the mid section which can now be achieved through a careful diet, exercise and toning. Once that part is sorted I will always have the constant battle to keep weight off once I start on HRT. Hmmm well a thing that needs to be done.
Well cannot wait until I get to Belfast this week as there is plenty of time for shopping. :)
The course of time will tell these next few months and will go by so quick. I also need to loose a bit more weight and trim down the mid section which can now be achieved through a careful diet, exercise and toning. Once that part is sorted I will always have the constant battle to keep weight off once I start on HRT. Hmmm well a thing that needs to be done.
Well cannot wait until I get to Belfast this week as there is plenty of time for shopping. :)
A big lesson learned
Yesterday I had to sit back and witness someone attempt to that their life. Thankfully the overdose of pills made her vomit badly and with the quick thinking of one girl who remembered where she worked called the company and was able to get an ambulance and inform her partner. This is the long suffering that TS's go through and even on the face of it looking rosy, deep down it still hurts like hell.
I have had the same feelings on many occasions and recently as posted here. However you kind of learn to live with the fact and over the past few months I have become a stronger person. I have come to accept that I have only one direction to take to free myself and not to live life wondering what it would have been like.
Now onto the next stage of this transition comes the putting into action stuff. Ok I have a long 6 months ahead to prepare for living FT and to start the courses of treatment needed to reverse my male features that have for so long been a hindrance in my life. Yet with all this comes and element of sadness, putting behind a life that for many years I have lived with and coped with the falseness of knowingly been different.
I have had the same feelings on many occasions and recently as posted here. However you kind of learn to live with the fact and over the past few months I have become a stronger person. I have come to accept that I have only one direction to take to free myself and not to live life wondering what it would have been like.
Now onto the next stage of this transition comes the putting into action stuff. Ok I have a long 6 months ahead to prepare for living FT and to start the courses of treatment needed to reverse my male features that have for so long been a hindrance in my life. Yet with all this comes and element of sadness, putting behind a life that for many years I have lived with and coped with the falseness of knowingly been different.
Friday, 25 April 2008
And they're off
Yesterday was confirmed to my departure from here. I will be on the move as of next week and now can start to get my life sorted out making dreams into a reality.
Well to be honest, it is my worst nightmare coming true and the changes that I am making I feel now complelled to do. Most think of this as an attentions seeking thing but it is more of a harsh reality check on what has gone on inmy mind throughout my life. I cannot quite believe that this is now happening right now and kinda knew that 2008 was going to be the year that it happened. Not quite what I had in mind though making such major changes to my life.
Well to be honest, it is my worst nightmare coming true and the changes that I am making I feel now complelled to do. Most think of this as an attentions seeking thing but it is more of a harsh reality check on what has gone on inmy mind throughout my life. I cannot quite believe that this is now happening right now and kinda knew that 2008 was going to be the year that it happened. Not quite what I had in mind though making such major changes to my life.
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