My First Laser session

Today I am off for my first laser session. I am nervous as hell as I am not one to tolerate too much pain, but look on the bright side that this is a step in the right direction.

I wake this morning feeling pretty much now as if nothing recently has happened to me. It is like the past nightmares have only been dreams and am back focused on what needs to be done in my life now. I am still scared though of making those crucial steps towards the changes needed to have more of an impact in my life but am focusing solely on them and will get there in good given time. Speaking to my boss yesterday it looks like I will have the next few days off after I finish this tour before commencing with the next. I am going to hop off to Cork and look into the possibility of my first laser session and spend the day out looking at what I could only dream of wearing. But that is a big step to make and I tend to become nervous when anywhere near clothes shops right now. I am also back on the waggon yet again today after falling off with the recent setbacks in my life. I came to realise last night that I am dependant on booze for masking problems and this only makes the whole thing worse.

I am off today to work the "Ring-of-Kerry" One of the runs I most complain over but the one that gives me the most satisfaction of beauty which today has to be thrust upon myself to realise that as a female I am beautiful and as male I am ugly.

It is for some strange reason this year that I am not feeling the magic of what Ireland gave me last and this I think is a contributory factor to the way that I am feeling too.

Home again

The sun shines graciously over the town this evening and it seems too like the black clouds that have been hanging over me recently have blown away too. I feel at peace with myself once again for a few weeks or at least until I can get some stuff sorted.

I have been told that things are starting to quieten off for a little whil and going to make the most of this time to go to the UK and see Dr Curtis. I am also looking at starting laser anytime soon and cannot wait until things start to sway into motion.

Anyway enough blurb from me for the mo'

The morning after the night before.

Oh did I have a good time there last night. Hmmm well kind suffering for it now :)
Ok i have to get myself back on track and cut the negatives. I need to talk to some people over the next couple of days too. I have been wanting everything just to fall into place all at once and it cannot and will not happen. I knew I was going to have to bite the bullet in order to mae this big huge step of my life. But it really felt like everything was slipping away and having no control over my life.

I need a release to vent my frustrasions and to be able to look back at the results later on to remind myself what a brave step into this world I have created or all be it been denied for so many years. Self discover can be a potent thing and it has it drawbacks like wanting to stamp on people that get in your way, to tell them that this is not the person you actually see and lable as being male. In fact this is the root cause for my problems over the years as I have not had the voice to shout until now. I have to smile sweetly though and bare the brunt of it all. I am only with these people for around 11 days per tour. I have to put up with this for the next few months or be it days if I don't get paid anytime soon.

Hmm well these are very sobering thoughts and have let myself slip back into that trap that I was in 12 months and 2 years ago. No it is so easy to rely on the pain killers that drown out all the bad things in your life, but only making it worse.
I now have to pick away at the fin threads that have been knotted to get myself back in fighting form and back on track.

Lost the plot

Ok this was one of my posts the other day.
I have kind of lost the timetable of my transition and the reason, which hit me earlier. Hmmm I am not doing this for fun and neither can I yet face going into shops buying clothes. I am just me and will be me all the way through this situation until such times I become regarded as female in legal and social situations

A few rambling thoughts

It's a sad litlle world that we live in. Havong the knowledge of stuff that for so long we have kept locked away. Feeling the need to make such dramatic changes to feel complete, whole and happy. The problem is that people around us try to understand but clearly how can we expect them to as they have no understanding of the situation. There are times when we need support from loved ones and close friends and the stumbling gestures that we get as a response have no purpose and meaning over the situation and leaves us feeling more confused than when we first asked.

I sit here overlooking the wonderful harbor of Kinsale yet cannot be bothered to move my fat arse from the bed. Is it wollowing in self pitty or is it the truth coming out after all these years that I am best left alone in my own little world. I have no idea just like I have no idea why I am faced with such a mamouth task of making changes to my life. Is this the beginning of the end or the chance to start the way it should have been. Am I living in a fantasy world or is this really happening. For some reason I just want to wake from this whole nightmare and just think it was a dream

A new light

Today seems different for some reason. I seem to have restored the clever dumb balance again within my life. It feels pretty much the same as it did before and I can focus and concentrate on building my confidence once again. Or is it just merely the effects of last nights drinking session? Who knows but I feel somewhat happier again.