My train of thought has gone from transition to fighting the condition that has gotten me all these years. The problem being is unlike most of the people I am in contact with, I hate the fact of the person I am and no-longer have the intuition to continue this fight. Lets face it honestly, I was born male with a female mind and the dreams of a life as a female. Ok that part I have gotten to accept, but right now I want to run to the four corners of the earth just to get away from it all, but sooner or later it will catch up with me.
It really scares the hell out of me being left to rot somewhere where in honesty nobody really gives a stuff.
Wednesday, 30 July 2008
Monday, 28 July 2008
No gossip
Dam it has been a while since I have reported here. Well there has been nothing that interesting happening here lately so I guess I am back to the boring mundane life I always had. That and fuelled with booze most nights really does not help matters either.
I do however keep getting swings in my train of thought towards this whole issue of M2F but that got a bit boring writing one day I'm fine and the next at the bottom of a pit screaming to get out.
I have made a few decisions about dates and time scale for the whole process likewise about career moves and need to give this a shot as I will always been in regret if I never made these changes.
I do however keep getting swings in my train of thought towards this whole issue of M2F but that got a bit boring writing one day I'm fine and the next at the bottom of a pit screaming to get out.
I have made a few decisions about dates and time scale for the whole process likewise about career moves and need to give this a shot as I will always been in regret if I never made these changes.
Wednesday, 23 July 2008
The way things are
The last few days I have been trying to quit smoking. Being a mind over matter thing, I feel that this is going better than anticipated. I have had the odd one or two but nothing major to be concerned over and as all stress levels are right down at the moment I feel I can get over this one fairly easy.
Doing this has also stabalized my mind to GID matters and feel now that I am making some sort of progress. Not much by any means but it all helps.
Today is my day off and I come to realize just the other day that I need 1-2-1 chats with other girls in similar situations. I am heading to Cork today to pop in and see some girls at TENI, the trans network of Ireland. I am also looking for a placement for when I finish the season in order to help me along with my coursework.
So hopefully will have something positive to report here later and hope to get moving a bit more down this long road.
Doing this has also stabalized my mind to GID matters and feel now that I am making some sort of progress. Not much by any means but it all helps.
Today is my day off and I come to realize just the other day that I need 1-2-1 chats with other girls in similar situations. I am heading to Cork today to pop in and see some girls at TENI, the trans network of Ireland. I am also looking for a placement for when I finish the season in order to help me along with my coursework.
So hopefully will have something positive to report here later and hope to get moving a bit more down this long road.
Monday, 21 July 2008
Positive thoughts needed from now
Aside from what was a totally crap day yesterday, the day has arrived that for the next few weeks at least I need to be totally chilled and no stress whatsoever. Not going to say too much right now because it might fail but will report more as the week goes on. Anyway I have me day off today in Galway and after what was a fairly unsettled night due popping and banging outside with the firework display marking the end of the arts festival here, I hope that it is going to be a little quieter to hit the shops. Might buy something but don't hold your breath yet.
Sunday, 20 July 2008
Another day over.
It has been a mixed bout of emotions today as I drove into an area where I consider to be spritually mind numbing for me. It is a place where I can let my train of thought go and come out the other side with clear ideas of what I am doing in life. Even ast year before all this blew up it was the place that calmed me after all the turmoil I had in the UK.
Well today was a little different and I was asked by the guide to take a different route. Hmmm not going into too much here as this post is going to be long enough. Ok I had a little acident in the bus which saw another car plough into the back of the bus. We were all ok and apart from a little pride shaken and a nasty dent in the car, exchanged details and got the heck out of there.
My return journey was not as what would usually be planned but never-the-less it was interesting. The vast open landscapes and the sweeping mountains with lakes below blows me away still to this day. I did let a few thoughts go and have come to certain conclusions within my life and the changes that I am making. I feel now that it is best if I start a complete fresh as of November, a new life, a new location and new identity. All that stuff I have worked for in the past will be destroyed just like the other day when i got rid of documents linking me to the UK.
I really must admit doing this kind of thing means that I will loose all contact with friends and family and all those around me who know about my situation. But it is like this at the end of the day. I have lived with this in secret for 29 years why not let the past go and live with that as a secret for the rest of my life.
Well today was a little different and I was asked by the guide to take a different route. Hmmm not going into too much here as this post is going to be long enough. Ok I had a little acident in the bus which saw another car plough into the back of the bus. We were all ok and apart from a little pride shaken and a nasty dent in the car, exchanged details and got the heck out of there.
My return journey was not as what would usually be planned but never-the-less it was interesting. The vast open landscapes and the sweeping mountains with lakes below blows me away still to this day. I did let a few thoughts go and have come to certain conclusions within my life and the changes that I am making. I feel now that it is best if I start a complete fresh as of November, a new life, a new location and new identity. All that stuff I have worked for in the past will be destroyed just like the other day when i got rid of documents linking me to the UK.
I really must admit doing this kind of thing means that I will loose all contact with friends and family and all those around me who know about my situation. But it is like this at the end of the day. I have lived with this in secret for 29 years why not let the past go and live with that as a secret for the rest of my life.
Saturday, 19 July 2008
Another morning.
I awake from what was a little disturbing tantrum of emotions last night just because I could not get my own way. I posted several messages over on the forum and deleted them because I knew in the back of my mind that people would get worried.
I went into town (city sorry) shopping yesterday and surprise surprise passed by so many shops without intention to browse or buy. Looking back in reflection I had a similar situation last year here having a panic attack and loosing my mind as a result. I tend to find crowds too much to deal with and have had this problem for the vast majority of my life.
Well back at the hotel I did the moral thing of getting drunk and felt more low than ever. It got to that stage where I really thought that this was a pointless mission and just wanted to end it all. This must have been the strongest suicidal tendancy I have had since march and went downstairs onto the street for a smoke as I have this balcony outside my room and who knows what I could have or would have done.
It is a split second that snaps and you make that choice. With emotions running high but it does pass belive me.
Well it just goes how weak I still am and need to change course to gain confidence before I jump through the hoop in November. I have set this date and there is no going back now.
I went into town (city sorry) shopping yesterday and surprise surprise passed by so many shops without intention to browse or buy. Looking back in reflection I had a similar situation last year here having a panic attack and loosing my mind as a result. I tend to find crowds too much to deal with and have had this problem for the vast majority of my life.
Well back at the hotel I did the moral thing of getting drunk and felt more low than ever. It got to that stage where I really thought that this was a pointless mission and just wanted to end it all. This must have been the strongest suicidal tendancy I have had since march and went downstairs onto the street for a smoke as I have this balcony outside my room and who knows what I could have or would have done.
It is a split second that snaps and you make that choice. With emotions running high but it does pass belive me.
Well it just goes how weak I still am and need to change course to gain confidence before I jump through the hoop in November. I have set this date and there is no going back now.
Friday, 18 July 2008
Tipping the balance
It seems that I am living on a knife-edge lately. Just one little sway the wrong way sends me into a spiral of devistation. I deleted the last post here under the same heading as I felt low at the time and all this because I could not face shopping in town today. I am wondering right now if I am ready for all of this.
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