Another bright sunny day

Another bright gorgeous day emerges here in the south Kerry countryside and I sit here with a difference today. Well I confess to getting totally drunk yesterday but hey it has been a long long time since I have done anything like that as I kind of relish in myself and enjoy my own company these days ;)
Well I have to confess that I realy do not know what I am talking about here :) but whilst in town yesterday I set myself a few goals which I met. Comments were passed between me and the cashier which probably left her feeling more embarrassed than I. Well it was that trek home feeling kind of nervous as one does as to if my wares would fit or not. I cannot say that I am a great fan of dressing rooms and as good as a judge that I am it all did. The next part of my little inner challenge was to get some hair dye which I have so desperately been needing and again in true un-deterred charm and spirit made my purchase. Well that was me taken up last night and the hair kinda looks good this morning however when I want to go a shade lighter I now know what else to be asking for.

So it has boosted my confidence somewhat more now and over the last few days since I have been sat here with no internet connection I have been relishing in my new life that is evolving and thinking about the next steps. Well I still have a little way to go yet before I make it off the drive and into real life but right now my confidence is just so that I am happy to live my life as a female and gets very depressed and down when I have to go back to the dark side. It is some comfort to know though that I can still feel "girly" even when wearing a shirt and also think that part of me shines through a little more now.

Ok enough drivel from me for the mo. :)

xxxx Katy

The heavenly pursuit of happiness

Well today armed with some cash and a little moral support from what I had previously done I headed into Tralee......... Oooo no make it Killarney for some shopping. Well the aim was to buy a pair of jeans and a skirt along with a few tops. Well not according to plan I did buy a skirt and a pair of jeans but the skirt was a tartan mini-skirt which I have always wanted. Now I loom like a right little princess and with the newly dyed hair also makes me look like a battery from one of those duracell ads ;)

Ok it has been a while since I have been here but had lack of funds and no internet connection but now am back for at least a month or so :)

Another beautiful autumn day

After somewhat of an early start with a coughing fit I decided to venture back to the duvet and get a few more hours beauty sleep. Having pulled back the curtains to reveal what is going to turn out to be an absolutely wonderful morning I feel somewhat up-lifted inside.
The little rut that I have been in over the last few weeks has nearly tipped me back on track and has made me realise just how wonderful life is with the basics of stuff.
Another setback that I have survived and thoughts dwindling as to anything self harm although it has been in the back of my mind but thankfully as I was for 32 years and those thoughts you can fight against and keep locked away but not the true person that you are.

These last few days I have been with a typical bunch of blokes and they have realised that there is something different with me as conversations over women were fully blanked. Now the tone has changed and a little respect has been shown. It's amazing what eye contact can do when you give a hard stare through a person. :)

It's so strange though that the healing time for me within has been the foundation I need to build the rest of my life around. No longer looking for the lavish lifestyle just a modest existence with a few luxuries her and there and a few nice girly nights out. Well it takes time I suppose and better to be confident with the walk before you start to sprint.

Anyway I must go and get myself ready for work. I have a good excuse this week with the cold that I cannot wear anything tight to my neck so smart stuff is out in favour of more neutral stuff ;)

Well I never thought the day would come.

Totally stressed today as i was let down with the crucial payment for my rent and I had left a note on the door saying to my landlord that I would be home at 8:30. Well I have just got back and about 5 mins later my landlord knocked the door. I explained the situation and he is such a sweetheart and can fully understand my situation. Well that is not the best of it, I was going to call by the pub for a pint as I am stressed and decided not to and to keep my money :) well it just goes to show that my drink problem is more than under control.

Being torn between doing a job and typical male talk

Shag, screw and you can imagine the rest as I drive 18 men around on their golf tour. Of course they see me as male and trying to get me engaged in the conversation I just seem to smile or walk away. Ahhh but never mind it is only another 3 days left.

Can you do this for me.

I had a flood of calls from both my previous employers yesterday asking if I could cover work from Thursday on. Sure I says, but needless to say that I am no-longer employed by you I am looking at "this" amount for the job. With a big sigh and Ok I have got the work. I also have a cunning plan for next year that I can be myself and do the job I enjoy under the presence of my own employment terms. I have agreed to cover work for a company who require relief drivers and have said that primarily I could do the work myself but might need other drivers too ;)

Well it is a lovely day here and am about to get ready for another drive around the gracious Ring of Kerry. Armed with a cold I will do only but my best.


xxx

Just when you think that things could not get worse.

They actually get better. I have had a lot of suicidal tendencies over the years and the recent down-turn in my employment sector with the prospect of a gloomy winter made me feel not low but cautiously optimistic with what happened last year. Well today as it still is right now saw doom and gloom turn into something worthwhile. Not going to say too much but my recent bad repression and the counselling that has taken place since told me that there is not a way to end it all but a way forward and to carry on however bad it gets..


Nite xxxx KJK