Shame I haven't learned how to smile yet
Monday, 31 August 2009
Moving on
After what has been somewhat of a traumatic 2 weeks, I've now started to get my head around what the next stage of my transition.
Last Monday I had a chat with my psychiatrist before being discharged from hospital again & it seems my banging on about gender issues has finally sunk in with her. I'm now being given a referral to see a Dr who can hopefully wite me up for HRT & finally get going on the next stage of my venture. It's not before time too yet looking back on the issues that have dominated my life this year, I can see the positives outweigh the negatives & have gained more personal acceptance than I had realised.
Still each day is hard for me and seems lIke groundhog day over & over again with the battle against nature's mis-giving towards me.
I've come to realise that although the fight continues that next year it should start getting easier when I start IPL & eliminating the masculine features that have for so long cast a shadow upon my life.
Still looking back & continuously battling against suicidal thoughts I am winning slowly but still wish now that I could have ended it all back then. I kinda know in my heart that there lies a bigger challenge ahead yet something I have started to conquer.
Last Monday I had a chat with my psychiatrist before being discharged from hospital again & it seems my banging on about gender issues has finally sunk in with her. I'm now being given a referral to see a Dr who can hopefully wite me up for HRT & finally get going on the next stage of my venture. It's not before time too yet looking back on the issues that have dominated my life this year, I can see the positives outweigh the negatives & have gained more personal acceptance than I had realised.
Still each day is hard for me and seems lIke groundhog day over & over again with the battle against nature's mis-giving towards me.
I've come to realise that although the fight continues that next year it should start getting easier when I start IPL & eliminating the masculine features that have for so long cast a shadow upon my life.
Still looking back & continuously battling against suicidal thoughts I am winning slowly but still wish now that I could have ended it all back then. I kinda know in my heart that there lies a bigger challenge ahead yet something I have started to conquer.
Wednesday, 19 August 2009
I've had it!
Looking back at my recent posts and the way life is panning out for me, it once again seems 3 steps forward and 10 back and I really can't carry on with this anymore!
I spoke to my community nurse just now and have to call her tomorrow before I make my visitbto Tralee hospital to arrange an appointment & see how I'm feeling. Well it's going to be the same as it is today and going to go the same as it did before with the health professionals aka shove me on anti-depressants and fuck the Gender issues as they haven't a clue.
Even my mate said to me last night that he has pepared himself to find me one day dead as he can see my suffering with nothing being done by my so-called fucking medical team.
I spoke to my community nurse just now and have to call her tomorrow before I make my visitbto Tralee hospital to arrange an appointment & see how I'm feeling. Well it's going to be the same as it is today and going to go the same as it did before with the health professionals aka shove me on anti-depressants and fuck the Gender issues as they haven't a clue.
Even my mate said to me last night that he has pepared himself to find me one day dead as he can see my suffering with nothing being done by my so-called fucking medical team.
Tuesday, 18 August 2009
Didn't see this coming!
I was going to post here earlier and got dragged away in the middle, which subsequently I lost the post.
Well the last few days have been remarkable as I gained more & more confidence to present myself to the world as my true feminine self and even talking about my transition to others. All was looking good until today. So what changed? Nothing in my eyes, I still meet the world with the same enthusiasm and more so now as I'm on the trail of ministers & health chiefs to recognise and deal with the condition that burdens so many like myself. Yep I have a voice and prepared to use it.
Well today I felt drained of energy but nothing is new there as this is a regular thing with me these days. But I can't explain what has caused me to feel this low, shaking inside & would be the time I would overdose. No worries on that last statement as I have too much to live for now, but feel that I am in a state to present myself to hospital to let them evaluate me. I'm not depressed but feel that once again that my system is being poisoned by this thing "Testoserone" that my body is producing.
The funny thing is that I was talking to my community nurse today and made the same statements that I made 9 months ago when I was at my lowest.
Well the reason behind me going back to cell block H is 'cause they are the experts in health care and I have no clue what my own body is doing. Yeah right! try reversal and that might be somewhere near.
Will have to phone my community nurse again tomorrow & tell her how I feel, saying once again that this can't carry on.
I'm really at that stage now where I feel self-medding on HRT the only option.
Well the last few days have been remarkable as I gained more & more confidence to present myself to the world as my true feminine self and even talking about my transition to others. All was looking good until today. So what changed? Nothing in my eyes, I still meet the world with the same enthusiasm and more so now as I'm on the trail of ministers & health chiefs to recognise and deal with the condition that burdens so many like myself. Yep I have a voice and prepared to use it.
Well today I felt drained of energy but nothing is new there as this is a regular thing with me these days. But I can't explain what has caused me to feel this low, shaking inside & would be the time I would overdose. No worries on that last statement as I have too much to live for now, but feel that I am in a state to present myself to hospital to let them evaluate me. I'm not depressed but feel that once again that my system is being poisoned by this thing "Testoserone" that my body is producing.
The funny thing is that I was talking to my community nurse today and made the same statements that I made 9 months ago when I was at my lowest.
Well the reason behind me going back to cell block H is 'cause they are the experts in health care and I have no clue what my own body is doing. Yeah right! try reversal and that might be somewhere near.
Will have to phone my community nurse again tomorrow & tell her how I feel, saying once again that this can't carry on.
I'm really at that stage now where I feel self-medding on HRT the only option.
Saturday, 15 August 2009
Progress
I've been thinking recently about how I have progressed even over the last few days and how with each day I gradually get stronger. Well to think about those dark times and the distress I caused people still sends shivers down my spine.
It's been an eventful week yet was set-back mid week after trying to sort out my money which brought on a panic attack. Yep I'm still pretty vulnerable but my strength and will to fight on couteracts that so such occurances are few and far between these days. It's stil scary though that when I hit a low I have no control over what I do.
On a slighly different note, it's now a month since I was told that I was to become homeless and just over 3 weeks since I moved out. Well all I can say is that being homeless has taught me a great deal about life and what we take for granted especially when you have to fetch and carry water to clean yourself. I'm still under the trees in my mates field and happy out at that but can't see myself moving any time soon due to cut-backs in the rent allowance meaning I could only share a place again and don't really want that. It's also interesting to put to use the stuff I bought 3 years ago when I first purchased the van.
Anyway we shall cross bridges as and when they arise but until then just getting back on track.
It's been an eventful week yet was set-back mid week after trying to sort out my money which brought on a panic attack. Yep I'm still pretty vulnerable but my strength and will to fight on couteracts that so such occurances are few and far between these days. It's stil scary though that when I hit a low I have no control over what I do.
On a slighly different note, it's now a month since I was told that I was to become homeless and just over 3 weeks since I moved out. Well all I can say is that being homeless has taught me a great deal about life and what we take for granted especially when you have to fetch and carry water to clean yourself. I'm still under the trees in my mates field and happy out at that but can't see myself moving any time soon due to cut-backs in the rent allowance meaning I could only share a place again and don't really want that. It's also interesting to put to use the stuff I bought 3 years ago when I first purchased the van.
Anyway we shall cross bridges as and when they arise but until then just getting back on track.
Saturday, 8 August 2009
Total shutdown
After the seemingly madness of being out of bed and working this morning I had the rest of the day to myself.
So in true fashion I slept a bit and did some laundry (primative style)...... Ok I confess I don't have the comfort these days of a washing machine yet seem to manage quite well. I also started on a painting and blanked out one that had previosly gone wrong.
My mind is wandering freely like the breeze fluttering the trees outside and I can say I'm completely relaxed although there are a few things niggling in the back of my mind but can safely say that these aren't going to spoil my weekend.
I would never have thought that this black hole I was in would ever end yet the road to recovery is seemnigly on auto-pilot right now and to be honest the last thing on my mind right now are the issues that for so long have dominated my life bringing it to a stand-still.
So in true fashion I slept a bit and did some laundry (primative style)...... Ok I confess I don't have the comfort these days of a washing machine yet seem to manage quite well. I also started on a painting and blanked out one that had previosly gone wrong.
My mind is wandering freely like the breeze fluttering the trees outside and I can say I'm completely relaxed although there are a few things niggling in the back of my mind but can safely say that these aren't going to spoil my weekend.
I would never have thought that this black hole I was in would ever end yet the road to recovery is seemnigly on auto-pilot right now and to be honest the last thing on my mind right now are the issues that for so long have dominated my life bringing it to a stand-still.
Friday, 7 August 2009
Physical drain :(
There was a time that I was so full of energy it was unreal. Nowadays I spend most of my energy battling on the best way I can. Although black thoughts are few and far between now I stil have to cope with every waking hour being constantly reminded of natures mis-givings.
I had been doing some work for a friend and was making good headway until I got into this recent lull and today all I could do is watch which was really degrading for me.
The upside is that my attitude has got alot better even this week as to life and have reflected on when I was low not realising how bad I really was. It's still a long climb back so just needing to rest a while now I'm on more stable ground.
I had been doing some work for a friend and was making good headway until I got into this recent lull and today all I could do is watch which was really degrading for me.
The upside is that my attitude has got alot better even this week as to life and have reflected on when I was low not realising how bad I really was. It's still a long climb back so just needing to rest a while now I'm on more stable ground.
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