Update!

Nothing really exciting has happend recently except for a meeting today with my psychiatrist over my future & transition itself.
See I've been battling of late to see the relevant people to get me onto HRT & to move on with my life, & today was given the news that this is finally happening.
I should feel over the moon but I don't, I feel empty, hurt, emotional & fearful of my future with another dive into the unknown.
It seems that allnof the hatred of the past has caught up with me, the fear of moving on with a life that I've been denied for so long & the un-imaginable thoughts of being granted freedom for the future.
All this fear & thoughts has had it's toll on me & needless to say dark thoughts are running wild within. I expressed concerns at the time scale that I have to wait now for my appointments & follow up's to get my meds sorted. But in the back of my mind I really don't think it's going to be soon enough.

My fate rests in the hands of the medics

By lunchtime today I shall know what the future holds in store for me as I shall be speaking to my psychiatrist about starting HRT.
It seems there are many hurdles here in this country with even the self-medding route tied up so tight it's unreal. Even the Dr's who claim to deal with GD problems are impossible to contact so I'm calling for this to be sorted by my local medical team.
The options are therefore limited as to if they are prepared to help me or not & if the latter I don't know what to really.
I'm putting a brave face on matters both on-line & with friends but truth be known I scared stiff if I get refused as it will only be a manner of time before I become another statistic in the eyes of mental health failiures & wind up ending it all on a bang. See now I can control my bad dark thoughts but only in the knowing that something can be hopefully done. The pain worsens but I survive & if the rug is pulled so will my fight.

Much to my relief!

This weekend I should have been in the UK for a family reunion & much to my relief I made excuses to get out of it. I've been communicating with my family via skype & by god they're a bundle of laughs. 46 minutes with the phone to my ear & the most boring one-sided conversation with me doing all the talking & finally getting fed up & telling them before hanging up.
See the thing is they call me & say very little, well that's depressing in it's own way but thankfully these days little things like that don't pile up on me and get me down.

It has to be said though that this week things have gone from good to exceptional as the mood lifts back to somewhat a normal to high level & looking forward to a future of the unkown.
Why do I say unknown, because I haven't a clue what I want to do career wise & just enjoying the here & now. Even my transition is just ticking away at it's own pace with little thought barring natural day to day mundane things happening.
I always knew that there would be no miracle feeling of being my true self apart from the freedom from feeling trapped with the burden of my big secret. Now I honestly really don't care what people think of me, I just get on with it. There's no point in tryin to educate people who are too dim to understand, just cast them thoughts aside and do what's normal & then they get the picture ;-)

Big Brother's watching

As of late I fell into the trap of communicating on a regular basis with my family. Not too bad but some of the comments have been, well just say indirectly hurtful.
I was interrogated the other night by my brother & his wife about my condition & future plans. Well I had no real issues with that as I'm proud of myself to have got to this stage however the conversations that followed were somewhat bullying me into moving back to the UK where they seemingly would have control over my life again. I'm also being pressured into going to the UK this coming weekend as they are going to visit my mum, who also has given accross her fair share of hurtful comments. So I think I shall pasd on that.

But what I find amusing is the social networks I'm on enables contact pretty much all the time as I'm online all day every day & comments of "what are you doing" seemingly innocent but being nosey to my daily life ;-)

For the love of god!

I lost faith many years ago but with the company I keep crossed with the pure spirituality of the country I live in my faith had partially been restored, well until this week at least.
My on-going battle not just with GD but the health services lack of understanding was to see me ordering medication from the internet. Well you can imagine the horror when I found out that the internet company was unable to supply to the R.o.I, something about excise duty, customs & laws changing making these such companies liable.
Thoughts went streaming through my head & even a crazy notion of returning to the UK, but why should I? I mean I'm really settled here & even the stress of up rooting again and settling would leave me somewhat weaker than I already am.
So I decided that the ship was sinking and like any good captain I too would go down with the vessel.
I gave one last sos call to my community nurse & we met & chatted about my dire situation. She has vowed to try & help me & will be having a chat to my psychiatrist on Monday.
It has to be said that this is the last attempt I guess I will get at making more progress in my transition.

It all piles up.

Yes but it's only a word or a gesture, but it hurts like hell people denying their thoughts towards your feelings.
I'm on about family in particular. Oh and they seem so far wrapped up in themselves it's just too good to be true.
Well last night was "the straw that broke the camels back" for me with ever trusting my family. Being told constantly about the debts my mother was in after her partener left her emerged last night to be a load of lies. It seems that if she is not the center of attention then nobody else is allowed to suffer, basically she said in an indirect way that she doesn't care about me.
This comes amidst a very bad low for me, something I have to face for the rest of my living days & even the glorious weather is not having any effect on my mood, I just feel hollow & empty & now left feeling why should I carry on.

Me no understand

I know I'm not the most popular person within the "online" trans community, but that doesn't bother me as quite frankly I'm not really one of the lads.
What does bug me is the fact of people who get married, can't hack it at being a bloke anymore & expects their partners & families to understand. Total nonsense if you ask me. People who transition make a sacrifice to change what is wrong into what is natural & dragging hetrosexual parteners into potentially gay relationships in my eyes is just pure selfish.
Ofcourse there are those who adapt to such changes & there's nothing wrong in that but the attitude I've been following recently indicates total dominance of attention on the part of the one transitioning & that is what peeves me so much.

On the subject of moaning (must be due to the high testoserone levels still)
I find it distrubing too after a phone callmto my mother yesterday. You see over the past few months I've had the sob stories of how hard done by she is & how I should feel sorry for her. Recently is all about my brother & how wonderful it is to be in contact with him & his family. Now I'm being badgered to go to Scotland for Christmas with my brother, his family & my mother. What a good combination and the maybe's are now a solid no.
Why? because I can't stand my pompus brother nor his domineering wife & as for my mother, well she is just so inconsiderate. Only once she ever asked after me when I was ill. All the rest of the time was taken up with how she could have attempted suicide when I was on that ultimate low & how she was left in debt. Like I really wanted to & still want to hear that Hmmmm NO.
I've actually decided to give familiy a wide birth for as long as it takes for them not to be selfish.
Am I condtradicting what I have just wrote, maybe I am but after so many years of hurt & lies I think I'm allowed.