A black month over

I haven't reported anything here of late as there has been little to write about but the months of September through to November saw me in hospital again.
I had been prescribed a course of medication which needed to be administered by injection and my medical team this end refused to give me this medication, making up excuses at every turn.

My frustrations were running high and i hit a low which earned me the rights to have an admission for depression again.
Within the first week of being in hospital I found myself in ICU as I had been on a course of medication which totally put me out of my head and had gone off out and had a massive big overdose.

Getting over that and the subsequent weeks were extremely painful for me yet it was a pathway of recovery.
I had an appointment in Dublin where I should have started on my HRT but because of the refusal to give me my first meds, I was put back even further.
I had now another prescription for medication that would be refused to me and was in a city that nobody knew me, so my thoughts were running high of ending it all but seamlessly I made it back to Kerry again ad back to the security of the hospital.

I was promised that this time I could get this medication but excuses were made as to giving to me, so I approached me GP once again who administered the injection. Boy it hurt!

I learned through a third party that my mother had been taken seriously ill and her chances were slim to none. She passed away only a few hours later and because of such a divide between my mental state and bad memories of England, I was unable to get back to the funeral.

All in all a mixed bag of events during November and was dis-charged only 2 weeks ago. The abrupt action taken by my dr was a result of learning that I had my injection which she was totally against until I had been dis-charged from hospital.

Things have smoothed out never-the-less since and my life has taken dramatic leaps for the better. I feel more content within and things that I expect to get me down don't.

Now I have to wait till January to get onto HRT which I cannot wait for and have already made changes to my life and now living in a full-time roll.

Will report more on how things prgress as they do.

xxxx Michaela

I Wish

I wish I could put into words how I am feeling right now.
Numb doesn't fit the bill nor does sick.

You see yesterday I had the worst news going from my Mum and my thoughts are with her right now until I can get to England to see her.
This is all adding more and more pressure to me and I know that sounds selfish but is true. Playing the waiting game and the treatment that she has to go through is bad enough but if her treatment works or not is the thing that I can't handle.
I'm babbling here but my mind is really in a spin and cannot focus at all.

Anyway I'll leave it there for now

The final sunset

As the sun nestles itself between the trees, bringing a radiant glow to the symphony of trees that for the past six months I have been an audience to, I say my final farewells.
For tomorrow I venture on up the road to pastures new. I remaniss the times had here both good and bad and remeber the wonderful friendships that have blossomed.
Such friendships carry through for the rest of my life and into my journey and beyond.
I remember the times of pain and suffering and how this all came to be, the fight for freedom was to liberate myself from my inner demons.
Alass, I shall not be leaving this wonderful place as the ghoust of my menories linger on.
Six months on and I've learned so much of lifes trails and woes. I have conquored my fears and reached the highest point of where I wanted to climb. Althought the climb was not without it's challenges, I stand up high and look out at the view I have and shout rejoice from the top of my voice.
For tonight we live and love in peace.

I kinda got a bit sentimental and thought of this as I was walking the doglets around the field.
The last few days have seen many changes as my little saviour and close friend has too moved onto pastures new. Vindi, my little bull calf went to auction yesterday and last night I had a tear in my eye. A tear of sorrow and of joy as I hope he does well too in his new life. Tomorrow I head a long way up the road. Ok it's only just up the road about 4km to my cottage that is going to be my permanent home and little sense of tranquility.

A mixture of events

It's been a while but I thought I'd better report here on what is happening and more to the point that I am still alive ;o)
The last few weeks have been manic with setting up a website, web forum and chat room for the support group My friend and I are starting soon. I found like with my gender issues that talking online was a big help and especially as the embarrassment of trying come to terms with something thhat had escallated out of control, helped me find my feet and who I really was.

For that reason alone I am trying to promote anyone that has any pending conditions to sign up to the forum and have a restricted section that I can assign to certain users to chat 1 to 1.

Apart from that I was also on tour for an organisation I'm involed with for their elections campaign. That was head wrecking as I did something like 1'500km in 4 days and that is way above the average tour I ever did.

After getting home from the tour, my friend was having grief from his wife about me being in the field and her fears were that I was going to claim squatters rights. Well I think my friend did a wonderful job in trying to persuade her but to no avail.
I decided that it was time to move on and have found a 2 bed cottage that I move into next week. It's still in the same area which is great as I still have a certain amount of isolation crossed with the beauty of the countryside at my disposal.
I need space and the mountain of clothes has gotten out of hand these last few months so guess what I'll be doing when I first move in?

Oh and I can't forget the doglets. Well I wish i could as they are a menacing reminder to me 24/7. They are giving me so much freedom and enjoyment it's unreal. Now 11 weeks they are due for their jabs next week so can get them on a lead and go walking. This is not really a good plan for someone transitioning as they are so adorable I can imagine everyone admring them.

On the darker side, I've been hit back with anxiety attacks and for no reason whatso.
These little buggers are quite sharp and need controlling which I'm trying to do with a positive attitude.

Anyway duty calls for now as one doglet is grizzling to go out

The patter of tiny feet.

And it has to be said, the splatter of distruction. Two cuties have come into my life recently and has made the world of difference to me as I share in thier playful lives.
Spot and Molly are both 9weeks old and Spot being the first to takeup residance as an adopted son and the offer of Molly just couldn't be refused.

My friend had gotten Spot and as his family didn't know had left him overnight in a rather cold and damp house that is no-longer occupied but only for a small dog that is gaurding the place. Well on seeing this little fella I could not refuse but to say that I would look after him until the time come that my mate could persuade his family that he was having a dog again. Well if that day never comes I will only be too happy to care for the both of them.
Watching them running about the field and playing is amazing in itself and reminds me of the life that I had been denied. The freedom of it all these days is so invigerating and knowing that I have a reason to live, to get out of bed at un-earthly times of the morning and to know that I have someone to care for.

A diversion towards motherly instincts

Just over a week ago after the dust had settled with my trip to Dublin, which was a success may I add, I took in a lodger in the shape and form of a little 7 week old pup. Well he has been nurtured and loved just like a little baby and was told at my last meeting just gone that this is my nurturing instincts showing through. Well since then I've taken in his sister the reason being that the first is actually my friends dog whos wife does not know as yet. So I've taken a shine to this little fella and thought long and hard since and decided that I need my own little companion too.

It was something that I hadn't planned yet has been the making of me, excelling me further back into contentment and happiness.

They both seem settled at the moment and because they are from the same little get on great and is fun to watch the two of them playing instead of my poor little fingers and hands being bitten.

As to my transition, well things are going well and getting there as planned. I'm not just being kept busy with the doggies but also have lots going on with studying and life in general which is totally different to last year, so I guess that I'm not really thinking too much about it but just getting on and doing stuff.

A flight of nerves or just feeling low

Tomorrow is the day of all days, the long journey early in the morning and the treck across a city just to get the news that all my life I've been waiting for!

It is the treck to Dublin to see my gender psychologist and I have been feeling somewhat poor all day.
Not sure if it's nerves or what but the thought of going through this all agin, dragging up the painful past all seems too much for me to bare.
I've slept for most of the day barring going out when a friend called to me. That in itself was fortunate as the black thoughts that I have kept at bay were back wit a vengance.
I now find myself deeper and deeper questioning myself and the way forward.
Do I want to carry on or go back to the misery I have always known.
Something for a nice open discussion tomorrow I guess.