Post Christmas Blues

Family is something I have rarely allowed myself to bond with & yet my thoughts were with my deceased parents yesterday, wishing I could spend just one more day with them.
My only surviving sibling is my brother & he was the reason from the outset that I desired the want to end my life.
He was simply a spoiled brat & a bully with the mental capacity of, well I couldn't compare as I wouldn't want to insult anything in that way.

Time passes & the optimistic nature in me hopes that one day he can change.
Needless to say that our communication this time lasted less than a week & once more I have this wave of feeling shit about myself.
I also wasted energy in drawing conclusions based on instinct, fact & reason to draw the conclusion that I would be better off if he never contacted me again.

My peace of mind has been taken these last few days & that is in the process of being restored once more.

Now is to relax & to try & enjoy the remnants of this Christmas. XXX

Christmas day.

I've mentioned my Christmas times of past & that debilitating feeling of having to make do with my misgivings of life.
This Christmas is by far the tightest Christmas ever & even when I was homeless it wasn't as bad as this.
However this Christmas is my own choice & I need to sit with all the feelings to be able to move forwards.

I'd rather have money put down on my bike & go without rather than go mad & live with the regrets of overindulging & having to work it off later on.

Anyway something was not sitting right with me for a while now & was from the time my brother contacted me.
Yes I got my wish of him contacting me but this will be the last time too.
See I need influential people in my life & all he can do is brag & moan.
He claimed to have found "a spiritual path" but take away the masks & you are still left with a spiteful & spoiled person that he always has been & will be.

Still it was a brief encounter with the stark realisation that my friends around me mean more than my blood siblings.
Even my relatives on both sides of my parents have not had anything to with me in years & that's OK & their loss.
I've struggled to get to this place today that I'm in &  it's made me a much better person too.
See you have to have gone right to rock bottom to grow spiritually & that is something that my brother will never do.
His intent is all about money & as good as that may seem, there are more important things too that money cannot buy.

Anyways I've got that out & on with enjoying my first ever Christmas if feeling totally & wholly connected to me. Xxx

Festive joy?

This should be a time for festivities, celebration & joy. Time to spend with friends, family & loved ones & time for giving & receiving.

Yeah that's the "perfect" summary of what Christmas is about but sadly there are people out there struggling & right now I'm struggling too.

Christmas's past was coping with the deep down hurt that I was too fearful to ever disclose my darkest secret of my gender issues & living in my own nightmare of reality saw me grow ever distant from my family.
Yeah sure I loved them somewhere, but I never belonged.
I was forced to adapt a role of a person that I neither identified with nor wanted to be.
Still the hype of goodies, presents & alcohol kept that deep pain at bay year in & year out.

So time moves on & this is the first Christmas ever that I feel connected & yet I feel more lonely than ever because my parents are no longer with me & my only surviving sibling is someone who I don't know anymore.

Inside that void still lays there & as much as I try to fill it with love, its soon drained as I'm still reminded of that person I never identified with.
It took only one person to pull the plug on my whole Christmas by assuming & calling me that name which still makes me sick to the core.
My attention has been swayed to wondering why I survived my accidents this year & all the other negative shit that I've not had in recent times.

The only one that tugs on my heart strings for love is my little pal Jess. I've got her a nice big bone for Christmas day & she has been plaguing me all day with the ball.
Right now she is on the bed sleeping & I feel so alone sat here.
My fire is a mere glow & I'm listening to albums that were played as a child, thinking to myself that finally I'm becoming the girl I always hid & that the coming new year has so much fun & many challenges in store.

This is a time now to recoup & to put the horrors of my past to rest, yet moving forwards into my proper life is scary stuff as I've never known how to live as such.
But its the challenge I look forwards to the most.

Safe Christmas all & may all your dreams come true

Mikki J ( Michaela J in reality) xxx

Changing mindsets

Living with debilitating thoughts of self-destruction & such low self-worth is something over time I have become used to as such to me was a process that was as natural as breathing.
Actually to give an insight, it used to be thoyght-shudder-suicudal thoughts. That was pretty much for every interaction I have ever had, with every human being, throughout my WHOLE life.
That process of knowing what people saw on the outside was totally not what I saw but was powerless to change what I thought was the impossible.

So in recent times things have started to change & I'm now starting to connect with me as a person, in whole & in mind, body & soul.
This process has seen the elimination of such thought processes & has left me feeling bewildered.
Through a process taken over many years & from my mental decline, I learned strategies that now serve as my adaption to my new & natural life. It is these tools that can now automatically kick into action & now when a thought comes to mind from my past the "its OK" factor kicks in.

Learning new strategies is vital for anyone who wants to break the cycle of mental suffering & live a life in recovery. Sadly many are consumed by paralysing fear & for them this may seem an impossible task.
It was that way for me too in the start. But by repetition & discovery it is possible.

My journey continues but for the most part of it to date I can live in relative peace.
Little things creep in & trigger anxiety like this evening of bathing my dog.
Even that in itself was scary but I was also able to see beyond it too

Look beyond the fears.

I've been to some pretty dark places in my time & all too often to that "point of no return" where the only options left seem feasible & justified. The place where suicide prevails over ever course, action or warrant of the gift of life itself.
My case was one that would have only broken the hearts of a few & that having only one surviving family member, of whom we don't communicate, who would have missed me?
Frankly it would have been a blessing & a release from a torturous existence I'd always known.
But something beyond me had other ideas & kept me protected at all costs.

Today I see life in a different light & see the inflicting suffering of those torn apart & left with the questions "why?"
The parents, friends & families so deeply scarred by the actions of suicide that it sends them to a point of no return.

My aim, even back then was to stop one person on this earth from taking their life. Sounds so little but it is one person that I'll know about & many more I won't. But it was that one person that ended up to be myself.

In the times since there has been a battle to "want" recovery & a battle I found hard to grasp.
Coming from a life of conflict more serious than war-torn countries & a conflict so invisible to the outside world, but so real in my minds eye, adjusting to peace was like learing a whole new language & way of life.
Have I got it right? Sure as heck no! But I'm open to learn.

I have also been privy to know the survivors of legendary warriors who have seen their loved ones battle against all odds over other fatal illness & the message of one young man who touched the nation with his plea to youngsters in a bid to help highlight the severity of suicide. That lad was Donal Walsh.

I've also seen parents fighting the cause too of loved ones so troubled & lost to this horrific battle, whom have taken the helm to highlight the stigma surrounding mental health & to keep the beacon of hope burning bright.

But I am inspired by my own journey, one that against all odds can now claim the title of "Survivor of Suicide"
This is my plea:

Look beyond your own suffering & into the eyes & hearts of those around you, who deeply love you if not they might show directly to you.
If you die then a part of them dies too. A part so much deeper than your current suffering & pain more immense than yours.
Their questions of why will echo the empty chambers within for ever more & can never be answered.
Look beyond the fear you face & face the fears with faith & hope.
Because faced fears never expand to what we come to imagine.
Let me extend my hand of hope, to let you know that life is worth living & should I not meet your expectations then follow my footsteps of proof that things can, will & do get better with time & talking.
It may seem painful at first but every journey starts with a first step & each step taken is one of strength, courage & growth.
Be a survivor not a statistic & remember "it's OK not to feel OK & absolutely OK to ask for help"

Heavenly Angels Whispering

Today's storm has kept me in & seldom would I do a second post, but feel this ones worth the go 😇 The day has been tough, good & relaxing all rolled into one & that's just how I like it. Variety. A phone call earlier took my piece of mind & sent me spiralling into a frenzy of anxious & black thoughts. The nature of the call was with the best intent but the memories as to why I walked away in the first place came flooding back. See I'm very open about my journey, my transition & keep things very neutral or practical as I like to describe it. However people who I've trusted with the honour in sharing my adventure have betrayed me & shattered my trust, abused me & refers to me in a way I find unpleasant. So the only way is to trust no one & to find my own inner peace. This has meant walking away from supports because people blatantly make it obvious the don't want to deal with you & that suits me fine. I'm happy with my own company, always have been & I am being constructive with my indoor cycle training as the weather out there is crap right now. So I gets this call, asking me if I was going back Monday evening & the reasons why was to try & gauge my interest in the group. The last time I was there I became anxious & walked away. I've tried to fit in but trying is no longer an option I wish to battle with these guys. Well the head took off into negativity & that's OK too as it reminds me that it's still on the back foot trying to beat me down again. I sit with it & it gets no better. I put my meditation channel on & for the past few hours have had the long, slow soothing music I call "the voices of angels whispering" which has been & will remain my number one lifeline for safety & grounding. Now I'm starting to feel that sense of peace being restored. That wave of calm lapping against me like the waves of the ocean gently trickling against the sand. Yes this is where I feel safe, its where I can ground myself & remind myself of my past, future & more importantly my present as I live messenger moment by moment.

The storm in the midst

Ireland recently categorised names for winter storms & already we are seeing Desmond raise his head & cause havoc across the country.
High winds & heavy rain again this weekend & this in itself would be enough to make a massive dent in the mood of anyone.
For me its all about cultivating gratitude for what I have & being where I am right now.

I know all too well that constant storms like this rolling in & the impact they can have on weakening structures & uprooting trees.
All this though went on in my mind with conflict upon conflict flooded my life.
Yet despite all the odds I stayed standing.

Right now I am grateful for what I have & haven't got in my life, I'm grateful for my faithful companion Jess who has remained by my side these last 5 years through some very tough times.
I'm also grateful for the experiences that I've faced head on & battled through, one such experience was that which happened 3 years ago & was the changing point of my life at that moment & one that saw me severing ties with supports that I have now learned were never working for me.

I used to be so envious of stories I read of others at peace & I was still in conflict with my inner self. They were doing stuff I could only have dreamed of & yet never dreamed of because this stuff never happened to the likes of me.
Being engaged in society is something many take for granted, but when you spend an eternity sat on the fence fitting in is tough going.
It is not something that a person can admit to yet tries to fit into the role of despite not understanding the rules.
This got me into many situations where the impression I portrayed was actually totally opposite to my intent & it was those disheartening knocks that drove me further to the edge & to want out of the cruel world I saw.
A world that still to this day takes things on face value & judges accordingly. Such sad morals & values as I can see much deeper than face value & makes my time sitting on that fence seem more worthwhile that I'd ever could have imagined.

Back into blog

Tis been a good long while & I've decided to start documenting my journey once more 😇

The last few years has been taken up with survival skills after I hit the lowest point of my life.
Homeless & nowhere to turn, it all seemed like an endless nightmare that continued to spiral round & round with the same line of devastating fate each & every day.

The worst part is that the only crutch I had left, the drink, gave up on me & left me dealing with that too.

A change in fate came when the council had to do something with me & I was offered a lifeline of my flat I'm in today.
Nearly 3 years on from that time I am starting to rebuild. My quest to find happiness is once more on the radar & in recent days has been not just within reach but firmly in my grasp.

Since 2008 when I first completely broke down & my entire life has been marred with dark suicidal thoughts & now have to learn to live with peace.
Easier said than done for sure but can kind of get used to this.

Life today is about staying safe, staying sober & my mental wellbeing which I get from my cycling.

So in the coming days I continue to document my boring life in recovery & my quest to find my ultimate goal of happiness.