New year, new goals

It's only a week since we saw in 2016 & already the January blues have set in.
Understandable I guess as it was around this time of year in 1999 that I learned the fate of my father & since he passed away every year since has been difficult.

Today I hit a lull & the head started wandering for the first time in ages towards those black suicidal thoughts.
Don't worry because I have no notion on entertaining such thoughts & am just going to weather this one out.
On a plus, my training efforts are showing further signs in my favour & that in itself would have made my dad proud.
I'm hoping to be able to hold my own rather easy on the flats & yet when it comes to the climbs I'm at a loss with my ever shifting weight issues.
I guess this is the reason why I've been selected for the SST bike I'm currently paying off as its built for someone like me.

Something else has gotten me down & is something that needs to be addressed. I got a letter in the post today under my old name & that in itself made me feel sick & low.
It's calling for an appointment on Monday afternoon which is going to make for a tough & close call to my day that day because I've other stuff to attend to in Killarney. So the pedal the 20km back to Killorglin is going to be fun.

Anyway right now my journey has me in a bit of a lost daze as nothing is happening & won't happen until I get the bike paid off.
Hopefully from there things can start making a turn for the better xxx

Post Christmas Blues

Family is something I have rarely allowed myself to bond with & yet my thoughts were with my deceased parents yesterday, wishing I could spend just one more day with them.
My only surviving sibling is my brother & he was the reason from the outset that I desired the want to end my life.
He was simply a spoiled brat & a bully with the mental capacity of, well I couldn't compare as I wouldn't want to insult anything in that way.

Time passes & the optimistic nature in me hopes that one day he can change.
Needless to say that our communication this time lasted less than a week & once more I have this wave of feeling shit about myself.
I also wasted energy in drawing conclusions based on instinct, fact & reason to draw the conclusion that I would be better off if he never contacted me again.

My peace of mind has been taken these last few days & that is in the process of being restored once more.

Now is to relax & to try & enjoy the remnants of this Christmas. XXX

Christmas day.

I've mentioned my Christmas times of past & that debilitating feeling of having to make do with my misgivings of life.
This Christmas is by far the tightest Christmas ever & even when I was homeless it wasn't as bad as this.
However this Christmas is my own choice & I need to sit with all the feelings to be able to move forwards.

I'd rather have money put down on my bike & go without rather than go mad & live with the regrets of overindulging & having to work it off later on.

Anyway something was not sitting right with me for a while now & was from the time my brother contacted me.
Yes I got my wish of him contacting me but this will be the last time too.
See I need influential people in my life & all he can do is brag & moan.
He claimed to have found "a spiritual path" but take away the masks & you are still left with a spiteful & spoiled person that he always has been & will be.

Still it was a brief encounter with the stark realisation that my friends around me mean more than my blood siblings.
Even my relatives on both sides of my parents have not had anything to with me in years & that's OK & their loss.
I've struggled to get to this place today that I'm in &  it's made me a much better person too.
See you have to have gone right to rock bottom to grow spiritually & that is something that my brother will never do.
His intent is all about money & as good as that may seem, there are more important things too that money cannot buy.

Anyways I've got that out & on with enjoying my first ever Christmas if feeling totally & wholly connected to me. Xxx

Festive joy?

This should be a time for festivities, celebration & joy. Time to spend with friends, family & loved ones & time for giving & receiving.

Yeah that's the "perfect" summary of what Christmas is about but sadly there are people out there struggling & right now I'm struggling too.

Christmas's past was coping with the deep down hurt that I was too fearful to ever disclose my darkest secret of my gender issues & living in my own nightmare of reality saw me grow ever distant from my family.
Yeah sure I loved them somewhere, but I never belonged.
I was forced to adapt a role of a person that I neither identified with nor wanted to be.
Still the hype of goodies, presents & alcohol kept that deep pain at bay year in & year out.

So time moves on & this is the first Christmas ever that I feel connected & yet I feel more lonely than ever because my parents are no longer with me & my only surviving sibling is someone who I don't know anymore.

Inside that void still lays there & as much as I try to fill it with love, its soon drained as I'm still reminded of that person I never identified with.
It took only one person to pull the plug on my whole Christmas by assuming & calling me that name which still makes me sick to the core.
My attention has been swayed to wondering why I survived my accidents this year & all the other negative shit that I've not had in recent times.

The only one that tugs on my heart strings for love is my little pal Jess. I've got her a nice big bone for Christmas day & she has been plaguing me all day with the ball.
Right now she is on the bed sleeping & I feel so alone sat here.
My fire is a mere glow & I'm listening to albums that were played as a child, thinking to myself that finally I'm becoming the girl I always hid & that the coming new year has so much fun & many challenges in store.

This is a time now to recoup & to put the horrors of my past to rest, yet moving forwards into my proper life is scary stuff as I've never known how to live as such.
But its the challenge I look forwards to the most.

Safe Christmas all & may all your dreams come true

Mikki J ( Michaela J in reality) xxx

Changing mindsets

Living with debilitating thoughts of self-destruction & such low self-worth is something over time I have become used to as such to me was a process that was as natural as breathing.
Actually to give an insight, it used to be thoyght-shudder-suicudal thoughts. That was pretty much for every interaction I have ever had, with every human being, throughout my WHOLE life.
That process of knowing what people saw on the outside was totally not what I saw but was powerless to change what I thought was the impossible.

So in recent times things have started to change & I'm now starting to connect with me as a person, in whole & in mind, body & soul.
This process has seen the elimination of such thought processes & has left me feeling bewildered.
Through a process taken over many years & from my mental decline, I learned strategies that now serve as my adaption to my new & natural life. It is these tools that can now automatically kick into action & now when a thought comes to mind from my past the "its OK" factor kicks in.

Learning new strategies is vital for anyone who wants to break the cycle of mental suffering & live a life in recovery. Sadly many are consumed by paralysing fear & for them this may seem an impossible task.
It was that way for me too in the start. But by repetition & discovery it is possible.

My journey continues but for the most part of it to date I can live in relative peace.
Little things creep in & trigger anxiety like this evening of bathing my dog.
Even that in itself was scary but I was also able to see beyond it too

Look beyond the fears.

I've been to some pretty dark places in my time & all too often to that "point of no return" where the only options left seem feasible & justified. The place where suicide prevails over ever course, action or warrant of the gift of life itself.
My case was one that would have only broken the hearts of a few & that having only one surviving family member, of whom we don't communicate, who would have missed me?
Frankly it would have been a blessing & a release from a torturous existence I'd always known.
But something beyond me had other ideas & kept me protected at all costs.

Today I see life in a different light & see the inflicting suffering of those torn apart & left with the questions "why?"
The parents, friends & families so deeply scarred by the actions of suicide that it sends them to a point of no return.

My aim, even back then was to stop one person on this earth from taking their life. Sounds so little but it is one person that I'll know about & many more I won't. But it was that one person that ended up to be myself.

In the times since there has been a battle to "want" recovery & a battle I found hard to grasp.
Coming from a life of conflict more serious than war-torn countries & a conflict so invisible to the outside world, but so real in my minds eye, adjusting to peace was like learing a whole new language & way of life.
Have I got it right? Sure as heck no! But I'm open to learn.

I have also been privy to know the survivors of legendary warriors who have seen their loved ones battle against all odds over other fatal illness & the message of one young man who touched the nation with his plea to youngsters in a bid to help highlight the severity of suicide. That lad was Donal Walsh.

I've also seen parents fighting the cause too of loved ones so troubled & lost to this horrific battle, whom have taken the helm to highlight the stigma surrounding mental health & to keep the beacon of hope burning bright.

But I am inspired by my own journey, one that against all odds can now claim the title of "Survivor of Suicide"
This is my plea:

Look beyond your own suffering & into the eyes & hearts of those around you, who deeply love you if not they might show directly to you.
If you die then a part of them dies too. A part so much deeper than your current suffering & pain more immense than yours.
Their questions of why will echo the empty chambers within for ever more & can never be answered.
Look beyond the fear you face & face the fears with faith & hope.
Because faced fears never expand to what we come to imagine.
Let me extend my hand of hope, to let you know that life is worth living & should I not meet your expectations then follow my footsteps of proof that things can, will & do get better with time & talking.
It may seem painful at first but every journey starts with a first step & each step taken is one of strength, courage & growth.
Be a survivor not a statistic & remember "it's OK not to feel OK & absolutely OK to ask for help"

Heavenly Angels Whispering

Today's storm has kept me in & seldom would I do a second post, but feel this ones worth the go 😇 The day has been tough, good & relaxing all rolled into one & that's just how I like it. Variety. A phone call earlier took my piece of mind & sent me spiralling into a frenzy of anxious & black thoughts. The nature of the call was with the best intent but the memories as to why I walked away in the first place came flooding back. See I'm very open about my journey, my transition & keep things very neutral or practical as I like to describe it. However people who I've trusted with the honour in sharing my adventure have betrayed me & shattered my trust, abused me & refers to me in a way I find unpleasant. So the only way is to trust no one & to find my own inner peace. This has meant walking away from supports because people blatantly make it obvious the don't want to deal with you & that suits me fine. I'm happy with my own company, always have been & I am being constructive with my indoor cycle training as the weather out there is crap right now. So I gets this call, asking me if I was going back Monday evening & the reasons why was to try & gauge my interest in the group. The last time I was there I became anxious & walked away. I've tried to fit in but trying is no longer an option I wish to battle with these guys. Well the head took off into negativity & that's OK too as it reminds me that it's still on the back foot trying to beat me down again. I sit with it & it gets no better. I put my meditation channel on & for the past few hours have had the long, slow soothing music I call "the voices of angels whispering" which has been & will remain my number one lifeline for safety & grounding. Now I'm starting to feel that sense of peace being restored. That wave of calm lapping against me like the waves of the ocean gently trickling against the sand. Yes this is where I feel safe, its where I can ground myself & remind myself of my past, future & more importantly my present as I live messenger moment by moment.

The storm in the midst

Ireland recently categorised names for winter storms & already we are seeing Desmond raise his head & cause havoc across the country.
High winds & heavy rain again this weekend & this in itself would be enough to make a massive dent in the mood of anyone.
For me its all about cultivating gratitude for what I have & being where I am right now.

I know all too well that constant storms like this rolling in & the impact they can have on weakening structures & uprooting trees.
All this though went on in my mind with conflict upon conflict flooded my life.
Yet despite all the odds I stayed standing.

Right now I am grateful for what I have & haven't got in my life, I'm grateful for my faithful companion Jess who has remained by my side these last 5 years through some very tough times.
I'm also grateful for the experiences that I've faced head on & battled through, one such experience was that which happened 3 years ago & was the changing point of my life at that moment & one that saw me severing ties with supports that I have now learned were never working for me.

I used to be so envious of stories I read of others at peace & I was still in conflict with my inner self. They were doing stuff I could only have dreamed of & yet never dreamed of because this stuff never happened to the likes of me.
Being engaged in society is something many take for granted, but when you spend an eternity sat on the fence fitting in is tough going.
It is not something that a person can admit to yet tries to fit into the role of despite not understanding the rules.
This got me into many situations where the impression I portrayed was actually totally opposite to my intent & it was those disheartening knocks that drove me further to the edge & to want out of the cruel world I saw.
A world that still to this day takes things on face value & judges accordingly. Such sad morals & values as I can see much deeper than face value & makes my time sitting on that fence seem more worthwhile that I'd ever could have imagined.

Back into blog

Tis been a good long while & I've decided to start documenting my journey once more 😇

The last few years has been taken up with survival skills after I hit the lowest point of my life.
Homeless & nowhere to turn, it all seemed like an endless nightmare that continued to spiral round & round with the same line of devastating fate each & every day.

The worst part is that the only crutch I had left, the drink, gave up on me & left me dealing with that too.

A change in fate came when the council had to do something with me & I was offered a lifeline of my flat I'm in today.
Nearly 3 years on from that time I am starting to rebuild. My quest to find happiness is once more on the radar & in recent days has been not just within reach but firmly in my grasp.

Since 2008 when I first completely broke down & my entire life has been marred with dark suicidal thoughts & now have to learn to live with peace.
Easier said than done for sure but can kind of get used to this.

Life today is about staying safe, staying sober & my mental wellbeing which I get from my cycling.

So in the coming days I continue to document my boring life in recovery & my quest to find my ultimate goal of happiness.

Needing to rant!!!!

I was debating between facebook or another forum that I use to do this, but what better place than my own blog. Possibly because no-one really reads this these days and evenif there is you are all people that know of me.
Anyway I have been sorting clothes out that were packed up on my behalf last year when my ex-landlord (total prick) decided that he didn't want me renting his place anymore and while in hospital I was not given the chance to clear my stuff.
Well after 7 months of being where I am now and many sleepless nights over moving my vehicles, I did it and drove the camper back to my residence.
Well the van stank of decaying food and rotten clothes that had been put into animal feed bags and nearly a week now I am getting the pile down and washed up. The stuff that still smells bad or ruined by default is being bagged up and accounted for before being dumped.
I am still missing stuff but it could be in the car as I have not yet retrieved that and needs to be towed in which will be done shortly.

Anyway what really fucking gets me is the fact that this guy and his wife, who knew nothing about me decided to sort my stuff out and that in itself makes me want todump the fekkin lot. It is like being burgled, someone invading your privacy and knowing what goes on in your private life.

Well these days I have a good landlord who knows about me and is really cool but the events of the past have really knocked me back, but not the point of depression but the fact that I am still reminded of the past where I was.

Anyway that feels a bit better now

x x x x x x x x

A rather boring update.

Yes it has been a while since I posted here and what has happened since my last post.
Back in November I started the course of treatment in the shape of Zoladex injections. This came somewhat a week after loosing my mother to her battle of cancer.
I really expected to loose her sooner rather than later and hoped for her own good that she didn't hang on in there too long as I really loved her and didn't want to see her suffering too much.
I hope now she is at peace and can watch down upon me with great fondness as I battle this world and discover pastures new.

So I started this injection that gave me relief from all the problems that I had been suffering for a good few years. Things started to settle and felt somewhat strange at first.
I was asked to describe how I felt to my psychiatrist and responded with "how the blood hell am i supposed to know" having spent the majority of my life in emotional and mental conflict I can only go on what has happened to me and now something new is happening to me and I cannot explain it apart from I feel settled.

This feeling continues with me as I try to pickup the pieces of a much shattered life to date and build new foundations on what was once a very "boggy" ground.
I feel amazing right now and although spending the festivities cooped up in a psychiatric ward, I felt that this was the best option for me at that time as with my loss of my mum plus the loss of a good friend.

So with that out the way I moved through January and things kind of turned from the bleak, non-exciting existence that I was living to something a little more colorful.

Although I have been living fulltime and name changed and all that, I had hit a low patch with my personal self. I had no interest in doing anything special to myself apart from lounging around in my pj's all day and the odd occasional scrape of the face to take the reminders of man-hood away from me.
This can be pointed to a few things happening in my life but this all changed when one of the days I was speaking to a neighbor and then he delivered his promise when I took delivery of my new best friend Jess.
Yes I have a little 11 week old puppy who is my life and soul and brought back the meaning of self-pride into my life.

The first week that I had Jess, I was bound for Dublin to see my Gender team and had to stay overnight in Killarney in order to catch the train the next day. Well if I knew then what I know now, I would have took her but my neighbor was so kind as to take her in for these few days I would be away.
Well I cried at leaving her and though back to the other 2 pups I had last year and when i left them the one day and never seen them again. That was the dark past and this is now, my life finally getting somewhere.

Well my trip to Dublin was a success and I was given a script to start on Estrogen replacement. About bloody time as I had fought for 2 years to get this far and it was actually happening.
I decided to wait off until the next week to start the medication and over the course of the weekend I took a turn for the worse thinking that this was not for me and all these negative thoughts I had to get past to get this damn script.
Instead of my usual tricks I phoned a friend who is post-op and she assured me that if this was the right thing for me then I would know about it and if it wasn't then I would know about that too.

Well i started to pickup myself and dust myself off once again as the week progressed towards Wednesday. Yep the day came when I picked up my script and that evening on returning home applied the patch. "Here goes, this is for the rest of my living days" I said to myself patting the patch down and like the nicotine patches that I used in the past could feel a strange sensation in the mind as this tiny thing got to work on me.

Well i must say that I seem to be fitting to this kind of well as I feel on top of the world right now and nothing can knock me back down.

Oooo and sorry for such a lengthy post

xxx Michaela

A black month over

I haven't reported anything here of late as there has been little to write about but the months of September through to November saw me in hospital again.
I had been prescribed a course of medication which needed to be administered by injection and my medical team this end refused to give me this medication, making up excuses at every turn.

My frustrations were running high and i hit a low which earned me the rights to have an admission for depression again.
Within the first week of being in hospital I found myself in ICU as I had been on a course of medication which totally put me out of my head and had gone off out and had a massive big overdose.

Getting over that and the subsequent weeks were extremely painful for me yet it was a pathway of recovery.
I had an appointment in Dublin where I should have started on my HRT but because of the refusal to give me my first meds, I was put back even further.
I had now another prescription for medication that would be refused to me and was in a city that nobody knew me, so my thoughts were running high of ending it all but seamlessly I made it back to Kerry again ad back to the security of the hospital.

I was promised that this time I could get this medication but excuses were made as to giving to me, so I approached me GP once again who administered the injection. Boy it hurt!

I learned through a third party that my mother had been taken seriously ill and her chances were slim to none. She passed away only a few hours later and because of such a divide between my mental state and bad memories of England, I was unable to get back to the funeral.

All in all a mixed bag of events during November and was dis-charged only 2 weeks ago. The abrupt action taken by my dr was a result of learning that I had my injection which she was totally against until I had been dis-charged from hospital.

Things have smoothed out never-the-less since and my life has taken dramatic leaps for the better. I feel more content within and things that I expect to get me down don't.

Now I have to wait till January to get onto HRT which I cannot wait for and have already made changes to my life and now living in a full-time roll.

Will report more on how things prgress as they do.

xxxx Michaela

I Wish

I wish I could put into words how I am feeling right now.
Numb doesn't fit the bill nor does sick.

You see yesterday I had the worst news going from my Mum and my thoughts are with her right now until I can get to England to see her.
This is all adding more and more pressure to me and I know that sounds selfish but is true. Playing the waiting game and the treatment that she has to go through is bad enough but if her treatment works or not is the thing that I can't handle.
I'm babbling here but my mind is really in a spin and cannot focus at all.

Anyway I'll leave it there for now

The final sunset

As the sun nestles itself between the trees, bringing a radiant glow to the symphony of trees that for the past six months I have been an audience to, I say my final farewells.
For tomorrow I venture on up the road to pastures new. I remaniss the times had here both good and bad and remeber the wonderful friendships that have blossomed.
Such friendships carry through for the rest of my life and into my journey and beyond.
I remember the times of pain and suffering and how this all came to be, the fight for freedom was to liberate myself from my inner demons.
Alass, I shall not be leaving this wonderful place as the ghoust of my menories linger on.
Six months on and I've learned so much of lifes trails and woes. I have conquored my fears and reached the highest point of where I wanted to climb. Althought the climb was not without it's challenges, I stand up high and look out at the view I have and shout rejoice from the top of my voice.
For tonight we live and love in peace.

I kinda got a bit sentimental and thought of this as I was walking the doglets around the field.
The last few days have seen many changes as my little saviour and close friend has too moved onto pastures new. Vindi, my little bull calf went to auction yesterday and last night I had a tear in my eye. A tear of sorrow and of joy as I hope he does well too in his new life. Tomorrow I head a long way up the road. Ok it's only just up the road about 4km to my cottage that is going to be my permanent home and little sense of tranquility.

A mixture of events

It's been a while but I thought I'd better report here on what is happening and more to the point that I am still alive ;o)
The last few weeks have been manic with setting up a website, web forum and chat room for the support group My friend and I are starting soon. I found like with my gender issues that talking online was a big help and especially as the embarrassment of trying come to terms with something thhat had escallated out of control, helped me find my feet and who I really was.

For that reason alone I am trying to promote anyone that has any pending conditions to sign up to the forum and have a restricted section that I can assign to certain users to chat 1 to 1.

Apart from that I was also on tour for an organisation I'm involed with for their elections campaign. That was head wrecking as I did something like 1'500km in 4 days and that is way above the average tour I ever did.

After getting home from the tour, my friend was having grief from his wife about me being in the field and her fears were that I was going to claim squatters rights. Well I think my friend did a wonderful job in trying to persuade her but to no avail.
I decided that it was time to move on and have found a 2 bed cottage that I move into next week. It's still in the same area which is great as I still have a certain amount of isolation crossed with the beauty of the countryside at my disposal.
I need space and the mountain of clothes has gotten out of hand these last few months so guess what I'll be doing when I first move in?

Oh and I can't forget the doglets. Well I wish i could as they are a menacing reminder to me 24/7. They are giving me so much freedom and enjoyment it's unreal. Now 11 weeks they are due for their jabs next week so can get them on a lead and go walking. This is not really a good plan for someone transitioning as they are so adorable I can imagine everyone admring them.

On the darker side, I've been hit back with anxiety attacks and for no reason whatso.
These little buggers are quite sharp and need controlling which I'm trying to do with a positive attitude.

Anyway duty calls for now as one doglet is grizzling to go out

The patter of tiny feet.

And it has to be said, the splatter of distruction. Two cuties have come into my life recently and has made the world of difference to me as I share in thier playful lives.
Spot and Molly are both 9weeks old and Spot being the first to takeup residance as an adopted son and the offer of Molly just couldn't be refused.

My friend had gotten Spot and as his family didn't know had left him overnight in a rather cold and damp house that is no-longer occupied but only for a small dog that is gaurding the place. Well on seeing this little fella I could not refuse but to say that I would look after him until the time come that my mate could persuade his family that he was having a dog again. Well if that day never comes I will only be too happy to care for the both of them.
Watching them running about the field and playing is amazing in itself and reminds me of the life that I had been denied. The freedom of it all these days is so invigerating and knowing that I have a reason to live, to get out of bed at un-earthly times of the morning and to know that I have someone to care for.

A diversion towards motherly instincts

Just over a week ago after the dust had settled with my trip to Dublin, which was a success may I add, I took in a lodger in the shape and form of a little 7 week old pup. Well he has been nurtured and loved just like a little baby and was told at my last meeting just gone that this is my nurturing instincts showing through. Well since then I've taken in his sister the reason being that the first is actually my friends dog whos wife does not know as yet. So I've taken a shine to this little fella and thought long and hard since and decided that I need my own little companion too.

It was something that I hadn't planned yet has been the making of me, excelling me further back into contentment and happiness.

They both seem settled at the moment and because they are from the same little get on great and is fun to watch the two of them playing instead of my poor little fingers and hands being bitten.

As to my transition, well things are going well and getting there as planned. I'm not just being kept busy with the doggies but also have lots going on with studying and life in general which is totally different to last year, so I guess that I'm not really thinking too much about it but just getting on and doing stuff.

A flight of nerves or just feeling low

Tomorrow is the day of all days, the long journey early in the morning and the treck across a city just to get the news that all my life I've been waiting for!

It is the treck to Dublin to see my gender psychologist and I have been feeling somewhat poor all day.
Not sure if it's nerves or what but the thought of going through this all agin, dragging up the painful past all seems too much for me to bare.
I've slept for most of the day barring going out when a friend called to me. That in itself was fortunate as the black thoughts that I have kept at bay were back wit a vengance.
I now find myself deeper and deeper questioning myself and the way forward.
Do I want to carry on or go back to the misery I have always known.
Something for a nice open discussion tomorrow I guess.

Ch ch ch changes.....

I'm in play mode right now and have decided to make some changes to my blog. To give it a fresher more appaling look ;o)
Anyway as to life, well it was challenging yesterday as I walked up the road to get some shopping. I've become so unfit over the last year and was in a bath of sweat just thinking about the walk up the road and was completely shattered on the way home.
All I have been doing these past few months is sleeping and trying to get each day out of the way. Now though I have a multitude of challenges to get fit, loose weight and quit smoking before I start HRT which all have a meaning to get on with now.

xxx Mikki xxx

Now things are flying :o)

It has been a landmark week so far for me. Something that I had only dreamed of as on Tuesday I got the news of my long awaited appointment to see the gender psychologist in Dublin which set me on a high but also yesterday saw a nice little payment due to me. For this I invested in a much needed laptop as fir over a year mine died and was running off my PDA which was great but had it's restrictions.

Even yesterday afternoon was brilliant as my power scource was not availible and headed into town to a local pub for charging the batteries on this little machine.
Ofcourse I indulged in a few pints of Guinness and knowing what could happen with my mind after taking alcohol, took my chances as I had this warm feeling on being able to deal with any situation.
Well I had a good time of is and had no morbid thoughts whatsoever. This morning I felt a little rough around the edges but have gotten over that now.

Anyway I have just over a week until my appointment in Dublin and cannot wait to get onto the next rung of the ladder :o)

xxx Micky