Haven't posted here for a while due to poor health, but on the mend now. Ok diet is not going as according to plan however I have just slid into a pair of jeans that I have had for the past 2 years and was bought as an initiative to lose weight so really happy with myself for doing that. Now have the next size down to aim for.
Recently I have had mixed emotions over this whole thing of aiming to gain my status as female seeing me hit drinking sessions and feeling depressed at the thought that like wanting to be a plastic paddy will be the same as a female. However, this whole assignment was to get my train of thought back to the times when I felt good about myself and was in my own little world as a girl. This has happened without me realizing and feel if nothing else happens within my life now that I am complete in mind and happy to continue within my day to day life. However I ave come this far and am now set on the challenge of going the whole hog.
In talking to people, I can now relate to my experience with some confidence and it seems like I am filling in the missing blanks to what people already knew. I get quotes of "So your not gay then." Well no, however it is female instinct to be attracted to the opposite sex, however I must tread a careful line and therefore must consider the feelings of others if I ever started dating.
On Wednesday I got my hair colored by my female housemate as I was starting to go a bit grey at the sides. Comments have since been made as to how much younger I look and that how feminine I look. I feel some sense of awe with that. However this is not about making a fashion statement nor is it about the standing out in the crowd fact, It is a case of blending in with the rest of society and people not noticing. I am still in the midst of training my voice, something that I have not reported on. This can be a trick task especially when having to speak loud or express emotion. But much of the time I can produce a soft tone. My accent here somewhat makes me different as it is broad and from the west country of England. I am fairly happy now with myself but need to get more into the makeup thing as it will be a necessity after the op with all the facial scars I will bare. Again is to be able to fit in on a daily basis and not OTT. I ave decided that my family style "nose" has to be re-shaped and re-sized now and might consult for a few other things to be done. But with all this going on, a concentrating mainly on my health before vanity. However given time and exercise this will come.
Will be starting back to work shortly and then can make provisions to go to London for my consultation. I might spend a few days there and have me makeover. But will pass on the clubbing scene as this is not really my style of living. I am more a quiet reserved girl who likes her creature comforts of home.
Internet forums.
I am putting this under a separate heading. Ok I am a little turned off now with the whole internet forum thing as things look depressing there at the moment. It seems full of wannbies in tights and wigs and false plastic imitations. Ok I know a lot about that as i had to do that in male mode. The TS sections are just full of people who are airing their problems about the NHS. When I initially looked into GRS in 1990, I found the cost to be around £10'000 even back then. There was no recognition in the NHS and would have had to have undergone stringent mental tests. At that time I was only 16 and could have only ever have dreamed of having that kind of money.
I still remain faithful to the Angels despite this and still pop by on occasions. It is like the MFO forum I was on, can be quite addictive and can dominate day to day life.
Ok, running out of things to say here so will end on that note.
Until next time xxx HUGS xxx
Katy
1 comment:
Katy.
"I get quotes of "So your not gay then." Well no, however it is female instinct to be attracted to the opposite sex, however I must tread a careful line and therefore must consider the feelings of others if I ever started dating. "
--What does this mean? Are you sexually attracted to guys or women? I suppose it's different for different GIA people. If guys. I suppose then you wouldn't consider yourself "gay" as you seem to indicate above as that would be standard for a woman as you identify youself, right? If "other" women, are you then a sort of lesbian or could you say you are "straight" as determined by sex from your organs/DNA which you earlier wrote of the organs as something you "hate?"
Sorry to ask so many questions! these are q's I've wanted to ask a GID former man at my work who left his wife and kids to embrace his femme side. I haven't asked thouhg--don't dare but we all wonder. No one wants to put this individual on the spot though!
I knew one other GID person--another guy who got a sex change op and "became" a "woman" but even though he was sure it was right thing to do, he never adjusted and now felt trapped in a "mutilated" body, now with no sexual feeling at all and not feeling/responding like other women would. "He" felt like a Eunich on the outside and a woman only on the inside. He picked up booze again and gained a bunch of weight.Tragically, "A" killed "him"self, leaving a note that he felt like a frankenstein and wished he had learned to live with the gender nature gave him, like it or not. It would have been better. Even though he had support he couldn't exorcise his demons, as it were.
If you feel like you can answer, I know myself and others who visit here but are concerned about leaving a message, would like to read your thoughts and answers to all this.
Thank you for being so transparent and open. It helps the rest of us try to come to terms with those we know or work with that are going or hahve gone through similar journeys.
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