I have been looking back at my past today and felt some sense of insecurity as a child. It seems that my up-bringing was supposed to be in line with my brothers. I was often told that i did mot have the same abilities that my brother did and I should try harder. The main reason for this was that my parents passed off my needs as being attention seeking or fantasy, but little did my mother know that many years down the line that this was going to come back and haunt her.
I feel some sense of sadness today that I was never taken seriously and that something could have been done to have helped me before. i was always locked away in my emotions and thoughts, and had to play this dumb role of trying to be a boy. It was not the real person that I am today and can only guess that my strengths and weaknesses has brought it to be like this now.
Today and from now on, all I am looking for is to be accepted in my actual gender but is not the fantasy of dressing to feel feminine, but more the mental state that I have always been locked in. I am so tempted to get under way with my transition right her and now, but know that would just shock a load of people and therefore might loose that understanding.

I have also given thought to what I said about my mate the other day, I feel kind guilty towards saying what I did, but not in any position soon to be the first to make the move. He has to realize that he has hurt me bad, but I should not have done the same back. Well enough said on that.

I can now think positive about my future and to what ever it may hold. After all, this is a total change in my life again, with the first moving from the UK. Settled now and happy with the area that I am living in, I intend to stay. However the things that really get to me the most, is the daily routine of CMT, doing hair, making sure you look good before you go out is so important unlike that of just chucking of any old clothes and out the door. I have a better sense of pride now unlike my housemate downstairs in my old room, who is becoming to stink the place out. God i used to be like that, god only knows why but I did. Even before i got to grips with my alter ego male part, he started to buy some good clothes and looked good when out. I am kinda proud of that and now wish to carry it on to the way I want to. I am looking forward to working, spending a lot on myself and also saving for my operations and other essential bits. I have a goal and going for that. It does scare me in the changes that I am making and wish that I could still live within however one can only kid themselves for so long. But am really at peace with myself. I am looking to get a tattoo done to symbolize the end of a confusing era and the new dawn and new beginning. This is something that I can wear with pride forever and depicts what has gone on in my life.

It is only a manner of time now before things start to take shape and just going to relfect now in the coming weeks what I have achieved so far. I am only going to report dramatic events that take shape, as really and honestly my mind is clear of any doubts that I ever had.

Next report, who knows. My visit to the Pshycologist or the start of my transition. But for now I am the happiest that I have ever been and long may it continue.
Off to the pub for a couple of pints to celebrate.

Katy