5:10 am and been awake for about an hour now. Just had a call from my housemate saying that he has been rushed into hospital as he collapsed earlier on tonight. He seems in good form and know how that place, quick in and get ya out. So going to have to give a little TLC now.
On a more personal note, I thought things were tripping along too nice and would soon have to have a setback, well it has happened. I am in my comfort zone now and am quite happy to sit here, was a quote from one of my previous postings. Well yes I am in my comfort zone and trying to push to the next level. I know that this has gotten a hold of me now and that there is no turning point to back out, pretty much like being caught in a snare the more you struggle the worse the pain gets. Ok well I know now not to struggle, but the point is that I am scared to advance to the next level. The reason for this is the guilt over the years and the fact that I have been hidden deep within the mind of my male body. Could be early days yet and still need to get that all important diagnosis but had the opportunity this week to book the appointment yet chose booze instead. Yes the demon drink is also going to be a struggle to get over and going to battle that point first. I know that I am a short step away from starting work again and do not under any circumstances want to go down the path of the way I did last year.
Ok so it is a complete lifestyle change now and let the battle for freedom commence. If only I could just live a normal free spirited life and not have to go through this trauma, but this is something that needs to be ironed out before it irons me out.
Having doubts in my mind? yes, but know that this is the only path that I can take now to a more satisfactory lifestyle.
Anyway, now I am awake, think it's time for a cup of tea.
xxx M xxx
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