Regret, dis-appointment and confusion are the words of today's list.

It seems that I have been exploited for my good nature by a few people where i live, one more so is my best mate who could soon become and ex-mate. I have always looked out for te welfare of those close to me and in recent times have gotten nothing back in return. I feel somewhat saddened by this especially as I have sat here for the last 3 months battling to try and accept myself for who i really am. This is the latest upsets on my long road and seems for the moment that the fire has been extinguished from my life. I would pay tribute to all those who have helped me in the past especially the ones I now feel close to over at the angels website. This has been a tricky venture for me so far and know that worse is about to come, so pretty much have to overcome this hurdle as quickly as i can. The utter temptation to leave is high in my thoughts at the moment, but that would only mean going back and I need to progress forward.

Again today I have been lazy so far. Just woke up and broke down a few cigarette buts to make into a roll-up. Hmmm not the position that I had hoped to be in as last year had everything going for me. But hey will be back at work shortly. That is the only hope that keeps me away from anything that could harm me and by christ as small a hope as it is, it's bloody worth it. I often wonder what it would be like to live a normal male life. I may have posted this further down the line, but these thoughts keep popping up from time to time and have to get them down. I know that my mental state is female and know what must be done in order to complete the process, but am too scared to make that all important first move. I can normally do this with the aid of alcohol but that now becomes a domineering factor of my ability to make decisions.
I have this constant battle to keep my life on track often thinking too what it would be like if I could ust die and get out of here. My pain and suffering continues and think now that if I transition, I am going to ave to explain myself more and have got the problems of riddicule by other people . God I wish there was an easy sloution to this problem but there isn't. Quite simply I battle on in the best way possible.

My thoughts are now to going out and doing some shopping for some nice tops, but having to pass a good number of pubs and not go in can be quite crippling. The other factor is the guilt trip I will have on making purchase and on what the shop assistant might think of me buying womens clothes. This has been a painful factor of mine for years and never had any such problems when I was buying for another female.

Anyway, I have to charge the phone up and am looking to make an all important call to Dr James Kelly in Dublin. I think that the wait to see him is more beneficial to me than going to England, firstly is once I am on the system, I can get better help with hormones and not making that journey every 3 months to the UK. I am going to do this and am going to make the break and go and do some shopping. That is my tast to be done before the end of the day.

xxx Katy xxx