Tearing me up

3:58am.
I have slept a bit after my last posts here but is going to be a long night for me. I think the main reasons for my emotional outburst is a couple of reasons.
1: I have been out with friends and all my housemates and see them having what on the surface to be a normal life and just wish that I could have the same. i am stuck in limbo once again and feel that my life is going nowhere. I wish that I could have a relationship, but it won't work out. My female senses are now released and kinda fancies a few guys I have met but they still see me as male and will get ridiculed for being gay.

2: I have helped such a lot of people out in the past both spiritually and financially. Those that were there holding their hands out took with gratitude and now refuse to pay me back. So when I hear of people doing me wrong going to see them and borrowing money off them it makes my blood boil.

Ok just to enlighten a few here about this. In the UK I inherited my own property after I lost my dad and my brother had moved away. It seemed that what ever i did to keep that place going, just failed. It was about 7 years after my mum and dad split that I actually started talking to my mum again. This time lapse hurt me as I was dragged into a feud which hurt me deep. However, the guy my mum went off for was serving time in prison. Hmmm well there goes the stability in my life.
When I got back talking to my mum, she helped me out through some rough times and for that I will be eternally grateful. She knew a family who's husband/father was serving time with her partner. Upon his release, I was persuaded to take this guy into my home as he was feeling suicidal. I was reluctant at first but then agreed.
Dear god that was the worst mistake of my life. 8 months of hell and being kicked out of my place too, what a nightmare. I was subjected to mental torture, physical threats and accusations of sexual assault. Eventually I agreed to sell the place and in return to the mortgage company re-possessing the place which was the legal and quickest way to get him out. When I finally got the keys back to my home it was ruined beyond belief. Although my mother stuck by me, my step-father did not and took their side. It was when I was in the process of selling the property that it erupted between my mum and step-father and offered my mum some money if she moved out. Of-course she held me to this and insisted that I helped them out once I actually got my money through. I was confused at the time with all that had gone on and was told that they had fallen behind with loan payments. I agreed and agreed a payment term to which I have only ever received £250 in return. I then get word that the son of this guy who rented my place had called by. Much to my disgust, they had taken him in a nd listened. He has been back a few times now and keeps insisting that he had nothing to do with the stuff that went on in my place. Yeah fooking right.
He called by yesterday too and that voice in the background brought it all back.
Well I am and always have been TS and have had accusations made against me. I am now calling on this woman to prove that I made advances on her. However the shock is going to be that I will by this time have changed my name and be well underway on HRT and have the diagnosis made. But this is really not the reason that I am transitioning right now. I am doing it for me and me alone.
I really think that I put the past behind me though as I have a new life, a new home and no-one can will know where I am.
One situation I am prepared to face, but another tough one to make.