The day after the night before

It's morning here once again and another boring day in the life of.
Well not today as i am still lacking the ability to kick myself into gear and get out to but food. I am off window shopping also today and might buy if I see something reasonably priced within my budget.
Just to elaborate a it on last nights activities. I went for a drink with my female housemate and after being fueled by a few pints, we started to chat about a situation that she is in. I kinda built my defenses up though when her sister walked in and joined us. They both wanted to go on into town and carry on the party spirits and tried to persuade me. I was having none of that and decided to come home.
I didnot mention anything about me or my situation last night as I normally do after a few pints, but did say that I really didnot want to go through with this transition crap but it has gotten a hold over me and have no choice in the matter.

Once I get there and make the changes I know I will feel more comfortable with myself but until that moment comes still lives in uncertainty.
I feel this sense of guilt like I always have in my gender status which has tortured me over the years. It is like I am being held back but now feel the need to breakthrough those barriers now and for every step I try to take forward normally ends up in taking 2 back. I look at the situation that I have just faced and try to realize just why I could not make it through. However I do feel I am getting stronger now.

Just recently I have distanced myself a lot with a few friends that I have made online, I am not sure as to the reasons why I have done this but in the back of my mind there is one. Not being one to really communicate with the world, I feel kind of scared in a sense as most of those people I chat to know more about me than I do. It's amazing when you start to read some of the messages that are posted and the difficulties that people like me face on a daily basis, but if only they knew how frightened I really am in doing this.
But there again on the other side of the coin lies a life that I have only dreamed of up until now. I just want to be recognized in my total and official capacity as being female and the changes are slow. I can accept this for now, but also feel the sense of frustration that when I do get the opportunity to advance a little further, I just piss it up against the wall.
Although i am clear in my ways now of thinking, I just wish somehow that I could avoid going through the transition process and just carry on with what my life was, but knwingly deep down that this is not an option that is open to me right now.


xxxxx