I was debating between facebook or another forum that I use to do this, but what better place than my own blog. Possibly because no-one really reads this these days and evenif there is you are all people that know of me.
Anyway I have been sorting clothes out that were packed up on my behalf last year when my ex-landlord (total prick) decided that he didn't want me renting his place anymore and while in hospital I was not given the chance to clear my stuff.
Well after 7 months of being where I am now and many sleepless nights over moving my vehicles, I did it and drove the camper back to my residence.
Well the van stank of decaying food and rotten clothes that had been put into animal feed bags and nearly a week now I am getting the pile down and washed up. The stuff that still smells bad or ruined by default is being bagged up and accounted for before being dumped.
I am still missing stuff but it could be in the car as I have not yet retrieved that and needs to be towed in which will be done shortly.
Anyway what really fucking gets me is the fact that this guy and his wife, who knew nothing about me decided to sort my stuff out and that in itself makes me want todump the fekkin lot. It is like being burgled, someone invading your privacy and knowing what goes on in your private life.
Well these days I have a good landlord who knows about me and is really cool but the events of the past have really knocked me back, but not the point of depression but the fact that I am still reminded of the past where I was.
Anyway that feels a bit better now
x x x x x x x x
Friday 18 March 2011
Sunday 30 January 2011
A rather boring update.
Yes it has been a while since I posted here and what has happened since my last post.
Back in November I started the course of treatment in the shape of Zoladex injections. This came somewhat a week after loosing my mother to her battle of cancer.
I really expected to loose her sooner rather than later and hoped for her own good that she didn't hang on in there too long as I really loved her and didn't want to see her suffering too much.
I hope now she is at peace and can watch down upon me with great fondness as I battle this world and discover pastures new.
So I started this injection that gave me relief from all the problems that I had been suffering for a good few years. Things started to settle and felt somewhat strange at first.
I was asked to describe how I felt to my psychiatrist and responded with "how the blood hell am i supposed to know" having spent the majority of my life in emotional and mental conflict I can only go on what has happened to me and now something new is happening to me and I cannot explain it apart from I feel settled.
This feeling continues with me as I try to pickup the pieces of a much shattered life to date and build new foundations on what was once a very "boggy" ground.
I feel amazing right now and although spending the festivities cooped up in a psychiatric ward, I felt that this was the best option for me at that time as with my loss of my mum plus the loss of a good friend.
So with that out the way I moved through January and things kind of turned from the bleak, non-exciting existence that I was living to something a little more colorful.
Although I have been living fulltime and name changed and all that, I had hit a low patch with my personal self. I had no interest in doing anything special to myself apart from lounging around in my pj's all day and the odd occasional scrape of the face to take the reminders of man-hood away from me.
This can be pointed to a few things happening in my life but this all changed when one of the days I was speaking to a neighbor and then he delivered his promise when I took delivery of my new best friend Jess.
Yes I have a little 11 week old puppy who is my life and soul and brought back the meaning of self-pride into my life.
The first week that I had Jess, I was bound for Dublin to see my Gender team and had to stay overnight in Killarney in order to catch the train the next day. Well if I knew then what I know now, I would have took her but my neighbor was so kind as to take her in for these few days I would be away.
Well I cried at leaving her and though back to the other 2 pups I had last year and when i left them the one day and never seen them again. That was the dark past and this is now, my life finally getting somewhere.
Well my trip to Dublin was a success and I was given a script to start on Estrogen replacement. About bloody time as I had fought for 2 years to get this far and it was actually happening.
I decided to wait off until the next week to start the medication and over the course of the weekend I took a turn for the worse thinking that this was not for me and all these negative thoughts I had to get past to get this damn script.
Instead of my usual tricks I phoned a friend who is post-op and she assured me that if this was the right thing for me then I would know about it and if it wasn't then I would know about that too.
Well i started to pickup myself and dust myself off once again as the week progressed towards Wednesday. Yep the day came when I picked up my script and that evening on returning home applied the patch. "Here goes, this is for the rest of my living days" I said to myself patting the patch down and like the nicotine patches that I used in the past could feel a strange sensation in the mind as this tiny thing got to work on me.
Well i must say that I seem to be fitting to this kind of well as I feel on top of the world right now and nothing can knock me back down.
Oooo and sorry for such a lengthy post
xxx Michaela
Back in November I started the course of treatment in the shape of Zoladex injections. This came somewhat a week after loosing my mother to her battle of cancer.
I really expected to loose her sooner rather than later and hoped for her own good that she didn't hang on in there too long as I really loved her and didn't want to see her suffering too much.
I hope now she is at peace and can watch down upon me with great fondness as I battle this world and discover pastures new.
So I started this injection that gave me relief from all the problems that I had been suffering for a good few years. Things started to settle and felt somewhat strange at first.
I was asked to describe how I felt to my psychiatrist and responded with "how the blood hell am i supposed to know" having spent the majority of my life in emotional and mental conflict I can only go on what has happened to me and now something new is happening to me and I cannot explain it apart from I feel settled.
This feeling continues with me as I try to pickup the pieces of a much shattered life to date and build new foundations on what was once a very "boggy" ground.
I feel amazing right now and although spending the festivities cooped up in a psychiatric ward, I felt that this was the best option for me at that time as with my loss of my mum plus the loss of a good friend.
So with that out the way I moved through January and things kind of turned from the bleak, non-exciting existence that I was living to something a little more colorful.
Although I have been living fulltime and name changed and all that, I had hit a low patch with my personal self. I had no interest in doing anything special to myself apart from lounging around in my pj's all day and the odd occasional scrape of the face to take the reminders of man-hood away from me.
This can be pointed to a few things happening in my life but this all changed when one of the days I was speaking to a neighbor and then he delivered his promise when I took delivery of my new best friend Jess.
Yes I have a little 11 week old puppy who is my life and soul and brought back the meaning of self-pride into my life.
The first week that I had Jess, I was bound for Dublin to see my Gender team and had to stay overnight in Killarney in order to catch the train the next day. Well if I knew then what I know now, I would have took her but my neighbor was so kind as to take her in for these few days I would be away.
Well I cried at leaving her and though back to the other 2 pups I had last year and when i left them the one day and never seen them again. That was the dark past and this is now, my life finally getting somewhere.
Well my trip to Dublin was a success and I was given a script to start on Estrogen replacement. About bloody time as I had fought for 2 years to get this far and it was actually happening.
I decided to wait off until the next week to start the medication and over the course of the weekend I took a turn for the worse thinking that this was not for me and all these negative thoughts I had to get past to get this damn script.
Instead of my usual tricks I phoned a friend who is post-op and she assured me that if this was the right thing for me then I would know about it and if it wasn't then I would know about that too.
Well i started to pickup myself and dust myself off once again as the week progressed towards Wednesday. Yep the day came when I picked up my script and that evening on returning home applied the patch. "Here goes, this is for the rest of my living days" I said to myself patting the patch down and like the nicotine patches that I used in the past could feel a strange sensation in the mind as this tiny thing got to work on me.
Well i must say that I seem to be fitting to this kind of well as I feel on top of the world right now and nothing can knock me back down.
Oooo and sorry for such a lengthy post
xxx Michaela
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