The good old times

I have been looking back through photos taken over the past 2 years and feeling somewhat sombre as to what I have achieved and realised it has been a lot but I am more alone and unhappy now than I was back then. I have decided that I m going to knock this on the head and go back to the life I had before. Well lets sleep on it anyway.

And there was me fretting

For the world is a strange place so it is.
One of the blogs I read here and one of the contributors to my well-being and sanity had her own situation whereby I could relate and offer kind sympathetic words. It brought back the time that I was in a similar situation with my late father (god rest his soul.) That sudden chill that runs down the spine of being told bad news is enough to make anybody crack. Well my thoughts and prayers go out tonight for the family and especially the father that makes this wonderful girl so happy and proud.
It is times like this when we all come together, as strangers pass like ships in the night, but I feel I have a few true and honest friends that I can honestly call friends.

It really was not that bad.

I had a surprise yesterday as I went off to collect my pension. What I thought was going to be disaster turned out to be ok and they did backdate my pay. The job front is still looking bleak but hey ho I am happy just to be here and by myself which with every day that passes I could never imagine it to be any other way.

This is where life gets all bad and I feel suicidal

It's been a start to one of those weeks where I could not fight my way out of a paper bag and little things have become to niggle me again. Well after the events of yesterday, the week has got progressively worse with the landlord coming around tonight to collect the rent and not having it until 2 weeks time.
Well things have changed within and felt a bit down for a while but have figured out what to do and how to go about it.
It would have been times like this that I would have gotten into a frenzy and panicked like hell
and wanted to have ended it all. Well now I am housebound with no work and no money but can be me.

The stark reality of it all.

It hit me this morning as to why I have gotten down these last few days. It was that knock at the door and as I opened it a rather drowned looking postman was stood with a letter in his hand. "Does Kathryn Kelly live here?" he asked I replied "yep she does" and then we went onto saying how bad the weather was as he handed me my letter. Inside was the documents I requested from the deed poll section in the UK and then it all came flooding to me. This is it, I thought and my heart started to race. The dreams I have had for all these years are finally becoming reality, but what if I wanted to carry on living that dream?, what if I was to wake up in the morning and this was all really a bad nightmare? can i really cope with what could be a very lonely life in addition to the one I already have?
These were questions that have been and still are flooding through my head about a fantasy turning into reality. Will there be a happily ever after for me or will I still be see as the Ogre that everybody hates and wants to harm?

Right now I am confused as to what is really best. I have no real friends here and those that I have are only holding on because they think that this is a passing phase of my life.

Get over it girl

Ahh come off it, the sun is shining and all seems to be getting back to normal. Well what ever that may be.
In typical style and fashion today I decided to wash the car as it has not been done in ages, as it being a Sunday and all. Well as unpredictable as the weather is here, I decided to stick the awning up on the side of the van so that the car can stay dry and that I can polish it. Well in doing so I always do something stupid and sliced my finger. Sill moo!
But nevermind I will live :)

Hitting the lows again

I have had a few good months of gaining strength and living the life that I so long had been denied however over the last few days I have found myself getting increasingly more depressed. The thoughts that this is not some flash in the pan thing and has been with me and will remain to be with me is disturbing.
I have spent the last 9 months battling to get to this ledge where I am now and can see another uphill struggle to get out there and show the world who I rally am.
The other day I slapped on some foundation and felt really good but then looking in the mirror again I realised that I am still a guy wearing female clothes and that there was visible traces to link the to together. But still this has to be the hardest time right now of wanting to break free but not being able to as these features still show through.

Mundane and boring

I am not sure what it was about my statement yesterday which I will not even mention, but seems like the dust has settled and get a few glitches from time to time. It was probably flicking across the different forums and getting stuck with the same picture in different languages of a person who had doubts over their transition.
Now the dust has settled for me, I find no real big thrill or excitement of wanting to be female anymore as I am living that life. Of course there are still little tweeks to be made here and there and as I was told by my GP recently that it is going to be a hard up-hill struggle for me as my liver is still coming to terms with all the alcohol it has had to deal with over the years. Well taking that advice I headed for the pub to celebrate :) yep typical fashions and yet I did not know what or why I was doing it. Cash for me is scarce right now and the prospects of getting work somewhat seem light years away. Well I am going to struggle on the best way I know how and deal with it because that is the only way to get through this last hoop of my health and alcohol abuse.

Last night I decided for a cosy fire and a can of coke and coffee. It was a wonderful evening however was spoilt by a cat fight I got into over on the angels forum. Having gained strength I tried to advise someone of their pitfalls but the advice fell on deaf ears. I left it at that and went back this morning with what I think is a diplomatic response.

I have seen the direction in which i was going and it is ugly. That right there was a big wakeup call for me as never again do I want to be in that situation.

Waking to wish this was all a dream

Ok it is the first low I have had for ages and has been fairly short lived. I just got on with life in the usual slubbourn way that I know how. I do wonder though about others that are travelling this road as one of the girls that I have become quite close to recently has gone off the rails and is leaving the signs of self-destruction but not listening to a word of what anybody says. It has got my back up and have decided a break from trans sites for an un-specified period. :)

Late learner

I consider myself to be behind in the practicalities of every day life as a female. Most girls start playing with makeup at an early age but for me was more a case of playing with mates and not doing the girly things I should have done. Well so much for history but it is not all so simple. I have spent many years fighting against myself and hiding away my femininity from public view or so I thought that I was doing a good job, but you know it's hard to be something that your not and act in a manner of how people expect you to. Well it has taken a long time but alas I am moving from strength to strength and learning fast as i progress.
Well recently I have been playing about with foundation and after a few attempts and products later have found that this process comes pretty natural to me. Call it female intuition if you must but that is the way I am looking at it. Not overdoing stuff and just about the amount of basics that take away that ugly face that I have had staring back at me for all these years.

A walk under the moonlight

It's moments like this that have to be savoured, as for tonight whilst walking home under the starlit skies I was besotted by a sight that I had only ever seen in films and something I thought that I would never see was a shooting star flying across the sky in front of me.
Shivers were sent down my spine but I felt something so special as I continued my walk along the darkened road towards home, the sense of awe and comfort for a sight that I shall probably never see again.
Helped along by the song of the running rivers and dry leaves being blown across the road behind I danced along like a little school girl having never sensed this force of freedom that for so long has been held so deep, alas I can start to see some shape forming within the life that I have so longed to become mine.

For the sake of sanity

It for reasons that I cannot explain as to who, why, where or what made me the way I am and for a number of years I had been tearing myself apart with the turmoil surrounding who I was, Why was this happening, where I was going in life and what could I do about it.
The answers were never met and strangely enough I declined the fight against myself and the torment that I had put myself through all these years to realize that over the horizon a new day was about to dawn but I just had to get there.
It was a feat that took great courage and emotional breakdowns but I battled on and made it to that ultimate destination. Now whilst trudging down this road and getting knocked back in many ways I am took on-board some newly found skills of control, respect, strength, inner peace and confidence. These took a while to juggle about with to get them all working together in harmony which is something that I had never possessed before, it was like learning to walk all over again and learning to speak in a language that for so long I had never understood. Yet part of me was determined to de-cypher this code into the meaning of life itself, the reasons to be happy with who I was and make the changes towards being the proper me.

Waking to a grey Saturday

The skies around look full of emotion once again as a typical Irish autumn creeps into action.
The summer for what we had gone and now a distant memory likewise with the prospects of earning and saving grace for the harvest season.
Armed with sanity and a heart full of joy I ponder over how I am going to make my next crust as the nestegg and fortune are tied up in material possessions which I am inclined not to sell as this could be my security for the future.
I know over the coming months that things are going to be difficult but it is a case of batten down the hatches and ride the storm of this horrible credit crunch thing. I must be fortunate in that respect of not having too much in the way of debts however it would have been nicer to have made more hay this summer to store away for these cold winter evenings that are lurking around the corner. But fear not as the wild winds blow, I can sit safely in the comfort of my home and wait for those dry days to come again.

KJK

My day is coming soon to a street near you

The encapsulation of this ugly caterpillar in nearing an end and the light at the end of the tunnel nearly reached. For each and every day that passes now I grow stronger and more confident to get out there on the streets and show those people the true me.
I must admit that recently I made a few drunken purchases to which I have no regrets and still needs more in the way of clothes. I think this was building up in me for a number of years as i was denied so much as a child and now I don't have people watching my every move can express myself more freely.
The only hurdle I need to get over right now is the application of makeup but that takes time and practice like everything else. I now look and feel more like the woman I should have been and feel so comfortable in the clothes that I wear and feel more in tune with my female senses. Well as much as things need to be sorted out on the work front, I am making the most of now and have plans for the coming week to sort out my benefits which will then be followed by another little treat of getting my ears pierced. Everything seems to be falling into place and the negatives have definitely been left behind.
I feel now that I can look back at the past 9 months and reflect what a tough time I have had but revel in the moment that I have gained the strength to accept myself fully and have made the effort forward to change things to how they should have been.

It has been a long and costly lesson to be learned and nearly on many occasions cost me my life. Well if anybody wants to question me now I am more than happy to answer without being fuelled by booze or anything else that held me back.

Welcome back

It has been a while since I have posted here, but that is mainly due to my last assignment and problems with the internet, fuelled by not really knowing what to say or post.

Well it has been a time of highs recently but with troubled times ahead as work has been cut short. I have therefore made the most of being myself and going out and buying more clothes ;) and had a comment passed the other day that "she was a very lucky and special woman" to which I just smiled as my stuff was packed into the bag.
It seems to get harder though at this stage to go back into any kind of male mode stuff but made the sacrifice for my last mission. Now all I want to do is just to be myself and cannot believe that this day has finally come that the changeover is about to take place. Well not exactly going to be an instant thing as I have found the daily stuff like makeup a bit of a challenge but with a bit of practice surely things will come right. It is also the attention to detail that is coming together too hair, clothes and such and I can claim never to be the kind of person to be fashion conscious but now this development in the is taking place find that what I have been lacking all these years as a plastic male is the inability to choose clothes that I feel comfortable in and makes me feel special, well all that is changing.

I feel more femanine now than I ever have done and I know that once I start HRT that things will start to change. Well one of my main concerns was breast growth and after wearing my in-fills for the past couple of weeks I now have this urge for breast augmentation.

Anyway, enough ramblime for me ;)

Katy