The hurt of saying goodbye.

This time of year for me in particular is one of reflection and a great deal of hurt as i remember loved ones that have passed on.
As christmas day came and went i looked back at all the things that have happened to me over the past year and what i have achieved. Least of all the pain I've endured as a result of my inherent condition that is now well on the road to getting sorted. I reflect though in a positive light as time still heals those emotional wounds that continue to heal. It's been a year of learning and adventure, of trials and suffering and more about the strength i'd taken for granted.
Now i look forward to a new decade and a new life as 2010 brings about change.
I also mourn the loss of the part of me that has been hiding the real person as my namesake as was Mike draws to be a memory. A memory of despair and suffering in a role that i could not handle. A person who tried to fit into society and did so pretty well under the circumstances. A person who has made me to who i am today. I can only look forward now to a whole new life just waiting to be discovered and a career that I've wanted for so long. It's not going to be easy by far but life was never that easy for me. We've just got to play the bad hand we've been dealt. Xxx

Goodbye my old friend!

On a frosty Christmas eve I sit here remanissing all the good times we had together, how you brought me to where I am now & the journeys we've encountered.
But now I must walk alone, start the adventure the way it should have been & blossom into that beautiful butterfly I'd been promised for so many years.
You were the only one who understood me, who embraced me & took me in your arms when I was low.
I shall miss you dearly my friend, but it's now time to let go.

Mikki James 2009

Have a wonderful Christmas all my dear followers xxx

The waking of a new day.

I'm still in shock this morning as I sit here looking out at the crisp clear winters morning. Christmas came somewhat early for me yesterday with a letter confirming my appointment to see the endocrinologist next year.
Although I have to wait 6 months for this appointment, it's a step in the right direction.
Suddenly life has it's meaning again as I plan to fill my time studying for a new career & hopefully time will pass without too much bother.
Everything is dropping into place nicely & I can't believe after 30 years of physical & mental suffering that it is actually possible for me to have thie life I have been denied.

I really feel at this moment in time that nothing could stand in the way of me & the elation that I feel right now.

xxx

Dampened spirits!

It wouldn't be long before something pissed on myn fire leaving me feel rotten.
Well that may be the case in the majority of my life yet even with the horrible wet weather, my dreaded cold that could see me hit fame on an X-factor audition for me very bad singing. I feel pretty good & don't know why & not even going to try & figure out, just embrace the feeling & hope it lasts.
Sat here listening to uplifting music is helping, yet all the trivial worries have seem to have left me for a while :o)

Shock!

The recent chain of events have been hitting home big time.
I feel somewhat numb over the fact that things are moving forward & dreams becomming reality.
On Wednesday last I attended a local support meeting, well local meaning an hours travel & overnight stop with a friend of mine, but it was worth it just for mebto get out & about plus clothes shopping on Thursday.
Now it seems that thoughts in my mind over my real self are somewhat automatically coming into practice in my everyday life again, yet I still find myself pushing boundries to meet my expectations. Still it shall hopefully be worth it in the long run.
This is difficult & draining in itself & leaves me tired most of the time but I'm getting back slowly to that level of normality I was at a few months ago.

An update.

I have been through the mill again recently with another serious attempt on my life resulting in more setbacks & hospital stays.
This time it was a big hit to my progress and still needs alot of work to rebuild what has been done.

The start of December brought news that my psychiatrist had finally made contact with the specialist I need to see and is pressing for funding to get me there.
This being another milestone & a step closer to my dream had no effect on me what-so-ever as I sat there being given the news. I can't integrate into society & walking down the road is hard enough for me right now.
I still get times where I feel that I would be better off dead but remain in hope that I can once again find that little glimmer of happiness I had a few months back.
My days now consist of medicating & sleeping as one of my tablets knocks me for six. I feel the need to be doped right now as time should heal a somewhat emotional wreck.