By lunchtime today I shall know what the future holds in store for me as I shall be speaking to my psychiatrist about starting HRT.
It seems there are many hurdles here in this country with even the self-medding route tied up so tight it's unreal. Even the Dr's who claim to deal with GD problems are impossible to contact so I'm calling for this to be sorted by my local medical team.
The options are therefore limited as to if they are prepared to help me or not & if the latter I don't know what to really.
I'm putting a brave face on matters both on-line & with friends but truth be known I scared stiff if I get refused as it will only be a manner of time before I become another statistic in the eyes of mental health failiures & wind up ending it all on a bang. See now I can control my bad dark thoughts but only in the knowing that something can be hopefully done. The pain worsens but I survive & if the rug is pulled so will my fight.
Tuesday 29 September 2009
Saturday 26 September 2009
Much to my relief!
This weekend I should have been in the UK for a family reunion & much to my relief I made excuses to get out of it. I've been communicating with my family via skype & by god they're a bundle of laughs. 46 minutes with the phone to my ear & the most boring one-sided conversation with me doing all the talking & finally getting fed up & telling them before hanging up.
See the thing is they call me & say very little, well that's depressing in it's own way but thankfully these days little things like that don't pile up on me and get me down.
It has to be said though that this week things have gone from good to exceptional as the mood lifts back to somewhat a normal to high level & looking forward to a future of the unkown.
Why do I say unknown, because I haven't a clue what I want to do career wise & just enjoying the here & now. Even my transition is just ticking away at it's own pace with little thought barring natural day to day mundane things happening.
I always knew that there would be no miracle feeling of being my true self apart from the freedom from feeling trapped with the burden of my big secret. Now I honestly really don't care what people think of me, I just get on with it. There's no point in tryin to educate people who are too dim to understand, just cast them thoughts aside and do what's normal & then they get the picture ;-)
See the thing is they call me & say very little, well that's depressing in it's own way but thankfully these days little things like that don't pile up on me and get me down.
It has to be said though that this week things have gone from good to exceptional as the mood lifts back to somewhat a normal to high level & looking forward to a future of the unkown.
Why do I say unknown, because I haven't a clue what I want to do career wise & just enjoying the here & now. Even my transition is just ticking away at it's own pace with little thought barring natural day to day mundane things happening.
I always knew that there would be no miracle feeling of being my true self apart from the freedom from feeling trapped with the burden of my big secret. Now I honestly really don't care what people think of me, I just get on with it. There's no point in tryin to educate people who are too dim to understand, just cast them thoughts aside and do what's normal & then they get the picture ;-)
Monday 21 September 2009
Big Brother's watching
As of late I fell into the trap of communicating on a regular basis with my family. Not too bad but some of the comments have been, well just say indirectly hurtful.
I was interrogated the other night by my brother & his wife about my condition & future plans. Well I had no real issues with that as I'm proud of myself to have got to this stage however the conversations that followed were somewhat bullying me into moving back to the UK where they seemingly would have control over my life again. I'm also being pressured into going to the UK this coming weekend as they are going to visit my mum, who also has given accross her fair share of hurtful comments. So I think I shall pasd on that.
But what I find amusing is the social networks I'm on enables contact pretty much all the time as I'm online all day every day & comments of "what are you doing" seemingly innocent but being nosey to my daily life ;-)
I was interrogated the other night by my brother & his wife about my condition & future plans. Well I had no real issues with that as I'm proud of myself to have got to this stage however the conversations that followed were somewhat bullying me into moving back to the UK where they seemingly would have control over my life again. I'm also being pressured into going to the UK this coming weekend as they are going to visit my mum, who also has given accross her fair share of hurtful comments. So I think I shall pasd on that.
But what I find amusing is the social networks I'm on enables contact pretty much all the time as I'm online all day every day & comments of "what are you doing" seemingly innocent but being nosey to my daily life ;-)
Friday 18 September 2009
For the love of god!
I lost faith many years ago but with the company I keep crossed with the pure spirituality of the country I live in my faith had partially been restored, well until this week at least.
My on-going battle not just with GD but the health services lack of understanding was to see me ordering medication from the internet. Well you can imagine the horror when I found out that the internet company was unable to supply to the R.o.I, something about excise duty, customs & laws changing making these such companies liable.
Thoughts went streaming through my head & even a crazy notion of returning to the UK, but why should I? I mean I'm really settled here & even the stress of up rooting again and settling would leave me somewhat weaker than I already am.
So I decided that the ship was sinking and like any good captain I too would go down with the vessel.
I gave one last sos call to my community nurse & we met & chatted about my dire situation. She has vowed to try & help me & will be having a chat to my psychiatrist on Monday.
It has to be said that this is the last attempt I guess I will get at making more progress in my transition.
My on-going battle not just with GD but the health services lack of understanding was to see me ordering medication from the internet. Well you can imagine the horror when I found out that the internet company was unable to supply to the R.o.I, something about excise duty, customs & laws changing making these such companies liable.
Thoughts went streaming through my head & even a crazy notion of returning to the UK, but why should I? I mean I'm really settled here & even the stress of up rooting again and settling would leave me somewhat weaker than I already am.
So I decided that the ship was sinking and like any good captain I too would go down with the vessel.
I gave one last sos call to my community nurse & we met & chatted about my dire situation. She has vowed to try & help me & will be having a chat to my psychiatrist on Monday.
It has to be said that this is the last attempt I guess I will get at making more progress in my transition.
Monday 14 September 2009
It all piles up.
Yes but it's only a word or a gesture, but it hurts like hell people denying their thoughts towards your feelings.
I'm on about family in particular. Oh and they seem so far wrapped up in themselves it's just too good to be true.
Well last night was "the straw that broke the camels back" for me with ever trusting my family. Being told constantly about the debts my mother was in after her partener left her emerged last night to be a load of lies. It seems that if she is not the center of attention then nobody else is allowed to suffer, basically she said in an indirect way that she doesn't care about me.
This comes amidst a very bad low for me, something I have to face for the rest of my living days & even the glorious weather is not having any effect on my mood, I just feel hollow & empty & now left feeling why should I carry on.
I'm on about family in particular. Oh and they seem so far wrapped up in themselves it's just too good to be true.
Well last night was "the straw that broke the camels back" for me with ever trusting my family. Being told constantly about the debts my mother was in after her partener left her emerged last night to be a load of lies. It seems that if she is not the center of attention then nobody else is allowed to suffer, basically she said in an indirect way that she doesn't care about me.
This comes amidst a very bad low for me, something I have to face for the rest of my living days & even the glorious weather is not having any effect on my mood, I just feel hollow & empty & now left feeling why should I carry on.
Wednesday 9 September 2009
Me no understand
I know I'm not the most popular person within the "online" trans community, but that doesn't bother me as quite frankly I'm not really one of the lads.
What does bug me is the fact of people who get married, can't hack it at being a bloke anymore & expects their partners & families to understand. Total nonsense if you ask me. People who transition make a sacrifice to change what is wrong into what is natural & dragging hetrosexual parteners into potentially gay relationships in my eyes is just pure selfish.
Ofcourse there are those who adapt to such changes & there's nothing wrong in that but the attitude I've been following recently indicates total dominance of attention on the part of the one transitioning & that is what peeves me so much.
On the subject of moaning (must be due to the high testoserone levels still)
I find it distrubing too after a phone callmto my mother yesterday. You see over the past few months I've had the sob stories of how hard done by she is & how I should feel sorry for her. Recently is all about my brother & how wonderful it is to be in contact with him & his family. Now I'm being badgered to go to Scotland for Christmas with my brother, his family & my mother. What a good combination and the maybe's are now a solid no.
Why? because I can't stand my pompus brother nor his domineering wife & as for my mother, well she is just so inconsiderate. Only once she ever asked after me when I was ill. All the rest of the time was taken up with how she could have attempted suicide when I was on that ultimate low & how she was left in debt. Like I really wanted to & still want to hear that Hmmmm NO.
I've actually decided to give familiy a wide birth for as long as it takes for them not to be selfish.
Am I condtradicting what I have just wrote, maybe I am but after so many years of hurt & lies I think I'm allowed.
What does bug me is the fact of people who get married, can't hack it at being a bloke anymore & expects their partners & families to understand. Total nonsense if you ask me. People who transition make a sacrifice to change what is wrong into what is natural & dragging hetrosexual parteners into potentially gay relationships in my eyes is just pure selfish.
Ofcourse there are those who adapt to such changes & there's nothing wrong in that but the attitude I've been following recently indicates total dominance of attention on the part of the one transitioning & that is what peeves me so much.
On the subject of moaning (must be due to the high testoserone levels still)
I find it distrubing too after a phone callmto my mother yesterday. You see over the past few months I've had the sob stories of how hard done by she is & how I should feel sorry for her. Recently is all about my brother & how wonderful it is to be in contact with him & his family. Now I'm being badgered to go to Scotland for Christmas with my brother, his family & my mother. What a good combination and the maybe's are now a solid no.
Why? because I can't stand my pompus brother nor his domineering wife & as for my mother, well she is just so inconsiderate. Only once she ever asked after me when I was ill. All the rest of the time was taken up with how she could have attempted suicide when I was on that ultimate low & how she was left in debt. Like I really wanted to & still want to hear that Hmmmm NO.
I've actually decided to give familiy a wide birth for as long as it takes for them not to be selfish.
Am I condtradicting what I have just wrote, maybe I am but after so many years of hurt & lies I think I'm allowed.
Tuesday 8 September 2009
Mentally sane, physically sick.
People who have dealt with me on a perso)nal level with my health issues never believed me when I stated that this condition I suffered effected me mentally, emotionally & physically. Well here goes round number * in the battle against GD.
What I've been experiencing over the last few days is once again part of the trauma that has blackened my past recently. The feelings of dizziness, nausia, rapid weight gain & loss, headaces, fatigue, anxiety, depression, stomach cramps, loss of concentration.
Yet now I can think straight & have built upon my self-worth, I can see why all this rolled into one with the added ingredient of low self-esteem, low self-confidence tipped me over the edge.
In saying this, yesterday I had a point where I felt like chucking the towell in, which lasted for a good few hours but thankfully owing to my strengths I've not done anything stupid.
It is so hard for people to understand why I did those foolish things of trying to end it all, but the answer so simple and always the same "I've had enough of the suffering."
Yet what seemed to be a challenge of the mind has become the mundane for me and expecting nothing great in the feelings department, I've been rewarded in my own little way.
That is what keeps me fighting, this is the hope that I was clinging onto for all those years.
Yet even when the medics realise that all this is not a mere fantasy in my mind, then & only then will I finally be free of this whole burden of proving a point that need not be proved, but only for the lack of understanding, the pure ignorance that such a condition could cease to exist.
I'm supposed to be a male with a fantasy to become female, a person suffering a mental illness yet all those months my psychiatrist tried me on the "anti" tabletsI, my body wasn't having it.
So now we have to present once again with the pysical symptoms, be assessed for stability of mind & judgement made to weather or not I'm putting this on.
What I've been experiencing over the last few days is once again part of the trauma that has blackened my past recently. The feelings of dizziness, nausia, rapid weight gain & loss, headaces, fatigue, anxiety, depression, stomach cramps, loss of concentration.
Yet now I can think straight & have built upon my self-worth, I can see why all this rolled into one with the added ingredient of low self-esteem, low self-confidence tipped me over the edge.
In saying this, yesterday I had a point where I felt like chucking the towell in, which lasted for a good few hours but thankfully owing to my strengths I've not done anything stupid.
It is so hard for people to understand why I did those foolish things of trying to end it all, but the answer so simple and always the same "I've had enough of the suffering."
Yet what seemed to be a challenge of the mind has become the mundane for me and expecting nothing great in the feelings department, I've been rewarded in my own little way.
That is what keeps me fighting, this is the hope that I was clinging onto for all those years.
Yet even when the medics realise that all this is not a mere fantasy in my mind, then & only then will I finally be free of this whole burden of proving a point that need not be proved, but only for the lack of understanding, the pure ignorance that such a condition could cease to exist.
I'm supposed to be a male with a fantasy to become female, a person suffering a mental illness yet all those months my psychiatrist tried me on the "anti" tabletsI, my body wasn't having it.
So now we have to present once again with the pysical symptoms, be assessed for stability of mind & judgement made to weather or not I'm putting this on.
Monday 7 September 2009
Feeling betrayed!
Something has been bugging me all night & having logged into my facebook account proved me suspicions. For once this is not a personal feeling but the betrayal from people who are so selfish that they shout from a great height to raise awareness but only as a means to fill their own needs.
Things in this country are a little behind the times to say the least and when you actually find someone making an effort to try & help the cause of Gender Dysphoria, sure as a person with the same issues would love to correspond & try to help out. Ooo no, not in the case of this person, no sir. This person has fullfilled their own needs & fek the rest, don't want to know you kinda stuff, which is attitudes I've dealt with for so many years & not dealing with anymore. See the downfalls of me life have been transferred into strengths & therefore now I gain momentum to move the show forwards & on. I do have genuine concerns about people which is why I'm looking to help those in need aswell as helpng myself, and which is why I'm going to new levels to try & change what needs to be changed.
It's funny though in hindsight as I have only been saying recently about my inspirations to the stuff I do in the avenue of photography comming only from myself. You see if it comes from the heart then it means more than copying someone else.
Well I'm in the mood to talk and talk I will, with the typical "take what you see" attitude. I've been so long in trying to be a person I'm not & little time being my true self, which in my eyes is what transition is all about.
Things in this country are a little behind the times to say the least and when you actually find someone making an effort to try & help the cause of Gender Dysphoria, sure as a person with the same issues would love to correspond & try to help out. Ooo no, not in the case of this person, no sir. This person has fullfilled their own needs & fek the rest, don't want to know you kinda stuff, which is attitudes I've dealt with for so many years & not dealing with anymore. See the downfalls of me life have been transferred into strengths & therefore now I gain momentum to move the show forwards & on. I do have genuine concerns about people which is why I'm looking to help those in need aswell as helpng myself, and which is why I'm going to new levels to try & change what needs to be changed.
It's funny though in hindsight as I have only been saying recently about my inspirations to the stuff I do in the avenue of photography comming only from myself. You see if it comes from the heart then it means more than copying someone else.
Well I'm in the mood to talk and talk I will, with the typical "take what you see" attitude. I've been so long in trying to be a person I'm not & little time being my true self, which in my eyes is what transition is all about.
Sunday 6 September 2009
Things that happen automatically
Last year there I was making discoveries about myself & what it would take to make my life complete & here I sit with things actually happening. I find it amazing how stuff that was only a mere mind-thought is happening to me and yet the dark thoughts that came to light & dominated my life so much this year have been scary yet interesting to reflect upon and realise that this is meant to be for me. It's as if I now have no control over my destiny yet each and every event from the mundane to the exciting is grasped & treasured so much as I've a better understanding on how precious life is.
One thing that makes me smile is that also last year I mentioned about looking for my farmer & here I am now hearding cattle & living that dream all minus the man that I can cuddle up to. But still theres time for that too.
All in all things are going well & should soon be onto the next phase of transition by starting HRT.
I'm so content though at the moment of no real un-due comments and more acceptance & joy over my transition & me being happy that life really has panned out well & HRT is the icing on the cake.
I guess though I still need to keep sharp & focused as the dark thoughts are still there lurking & waiting for their chance to control me again so each & every day I pray for thanks that I have made it through the day.
Having battled so hard I know how controlling such thoughts are & how I automatically reacted to them. Fingers crossed hey ;-)
One thing that makes me smile is that also last year I mentioned about looking for my farmer & here I am now hearding cattle & living that dream all minus the man that I can cuddle up to. But still theres time for that too.
All in all things are going well & should soon be onto the next phase of transition by starting HRT.
I'm so content though at the moment of no real un-due comments and more acceptance & joy over my transition & me being happy that life really has panned out well & HRT is the icing on the cake.
I guess though I still need to keep sharp & focused as the dark thoughts are still there lurking & waiting for their chance to control me again so each & every day I pray for thanks that I have made it through the day.
Having battled so hard I know how controlling such thoughts are & how I automatically reacted to them. Fingers crossed hey ;-)
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