With me grumpy housemate sorted as in last post I made here, life has gone from good to better. I am however in the process of finding an understanding Doc who will take me on for the course of my transition and all that associated stuff. I am kinda excited now and scared but not of the fearful type. I have only dreamed of this moment to happen, maybe now I can start to live my life and appreciate each tender day that passes deep with the knowledge of getting one step closer to that all important HRT and GRS. I am in have made payment and set the date for my name change which once the season starts out now, can start making the changes needed to start my FT adventure at the end of the year. Some big step to take I must admit.
I had a thought today that sent shivers down my spine of going back to permanent bob mode. I can now see the female smiling back at me and not afraid to look in the mirror no more.

Start Laser in April, just have a few bills to clear first. Hmmm story of my life.
Got course sorted out for the end of the year and planning to exhibit some photograpy and art work at the end of the year. Might not do too well but going to have a go anyway.

Now I have opened my mind and let my femme side rule, I have become more intouch with my creative side. I am also looking into helping others.

Ok, enough blurb from me.


Outta here Katy :)

Today has not been a good day. Well for me it has, but it seems that the best way that my housemates can come to terms with this situation is now by ignoring me. I am not in this because I want the sympathy vote, oh god no to be able to live a civilized life without the finger pointing would be great. I know it is a long bumpy road that I am on and nobody said it would be easy. Last night saw this particular housemate ridiculing me to which I shrugged off. I wish there was some way in which I could turn back but too committed to achieving my life long venture to live life as a woman. I am also despondent to the reaction of posts made on the angels website, but hey heck I am going through this like many more out there. I just feel like a super bitch right now with the attitude that no-one or nothing is going to stand in my way. I have decided to dress en femme fulltime and then go forward for the treatment. At least this way will eliminate any such doubt when I go onto hormones, so by this time next year should have me name changed and be on the course of hormones. I am kinda scared as to what the outcome will be but blinkered as to go forward. I am now taking pride in my appearence and looking more femme with each day that passes. I can now look in the mirror and see myself for who I am, that dream girl is no longer a vision when I close my eyes.

As to the rest, well that is just history. I spoke to my mum today a little more in depth about my feelings and she is about the only one backing me through this. I have decided that from this moment on, I am doing my own thing and will come out fighting the other side. It would have been nice to have the backing of my housemates especially as I feel so vulnerable in the big wide world out there at the moment.

On a positive note I have been in touch with a help group based in Cork who meet at the beginning of the month. Will try my upmost to get there next week but have the usual stumblings of payin rent and all that and with the cash situation as it is, Hmmm well.

Ok, my rant over for now

xx K xx

It seems that things are starting to slow down in my little world of madness. I am becoming more and more comfortable with the way things are going. Ok most of this has been about my emotions and not of my transition, but it has been taken from the start. Granted hey as it's my blog. I am starting now to sort out hair issues. It seems that the slobbery of male mode all these years has given this girl a few bad habits. Was reading up on the general basics of hair care and have got some pretty good tips. However it is not wise in the middle of winter to sleep with the window open whilst having damp hair. I found this out as I now have a rotten cold. I am getting my housemate to color the grey bits of my hair as to look more femme and after years of ridicule. Although I am looking a laser to remove the rough from my face looking into surgery for re-growth where I have started thinning at the front. Something which although I can cover up still want done eventually.

Still keeping up me CTM effort, but only seems to be in the afternoons at the mo' Got to get into a routine with this and stop being a lazy cow.
Whilst on the subject of hair, I am looking to treat myself soon to a full body waxing. By gum the chest hairs cause some problem.

On a more venturous note, have made contact with a support group TENI here in Ireland and have the number of a Psychologist who deals with GID based in Dublin. Will be in touch within the next day or so.

My London trip is now out the window as finances with general day to day activities per say have taken top priority now, but looking at that for a special session later on this year. It is not really my "scene" being out clubbing as I have always been a reserved person. But in saying that, a girl cannot have enough friends. I am planning a shopping trip to Limerick instead once I get some day clothes together. So far I have a couple of black dresses but will be looking in that department this week.

Ok, fink that is all for the mo'

xx Katy xx

Dear god, it has been a few daysIt has since posting here. How time flies when your having fun. NOT. It has been a bit of a mixture of stuff towards the backend of last week. Most of it spent sinking pints in order to try and forget the suffering that I have been through recently. Boy was I wrong. Forgot about the hangovers in the morning. Naa that was not the main reason. I am quite content with myself now and the world of discovery is falling at my feet. I am finding that even the basics of being a woman tuff like CTM Cleanse Tone & Moisturize twice a day, but am now getting into the routine of doing this and have had many comments on how I am looking better for it.
Having such a small budget at the mo' have decided to get the things what I need and get used to using them on a daily basis. Next will come the foundation and start the makeup process. I am not intending to look like a tart 24/7 but just purely the basic slap needed on a daily basis. And hope the rest will come wiv time ad practice.
People are still giving me the evils and cannot make out weather I am gay or not. My femme ways are now being released into the community and seem to be able to get by although have not been out dressed fully yet. I am more comfortable with just me jeans or jogging bottoms. Although in saying this, it is a nightmare going into the smelly gents loos still but will change when I get my referral.

I have now moved into a bigger room in my house and is awesome as I can strut my stuff in my heels. Also having a mirror makes it easier to practice my makeup.
Still got to sort things out though as only moved last night and the room is still a mess.

Seem to be settling in well with my new life but have still got a long way to go. Thankfully the girls over at the angels slapped it into me about taking things slow. I have no intention to fall flat on my face and will do everything i my power to get this right.

Have told my mum now that my mind is made firm and I am going all the way wiv my transition. She is cool about the whole thing and is going to back me as much as she can.
Even my housemates have realised that this is something in which I have no control and attitudes are changing. Unfortunately I have a new housmate moving in today and have no idea who he is so kinda going to have to keep things under wraps for a little longer.

Ok, now got to get this mess of a room sorted and will post later. Or in a week or so's time.


xxxKatyxxx

Ok the times here are not exactly correct. But in real time Ireland it is 05:15.
Having had another emotional evening I mad about 2 hours sleep. There has been a time bomb ticking away inside me for years now and has just exploded which is why I currently feel the way I do.
I have come to the conclusion that my life as a male is finally over and that I have to re-build and adjust to the life of my female mental state. Not a choice but a fact. This can probably explain why I have been feeling the way I am right now.
The coming months and years are not going to be easy, but feel that I have been building for this moment so far in my little life.
I have a strong will to survive and a personality that most could only dream of, the only problem now is that I have to make bodily changes to continue with life.

I am in the process now of sourcing out a shrink that can deal with my condition.
I am starting at the source in london and working back to here in Ireland.

Later on today I am heading away for a day out. It is about time that I treated myself to a nice pair of shoes/ boots and may have a look at a few tops. Just call it a survival bribe for getting this far.
Maybe the feelings within can explain why I no longer feel guilty about buying products and browsing at clothes.
Hmmm nice thought.

I now have to accept the fact that my life is never going to be the same again and have in too much self pity to look back in anger.

In light of this, I feel more like I did when I was about 6-10. A nice little sparkle in my eye and sensual flowing femme thoughts. God what it is like to be free again.
Having gone through bad events in 2006, this is just about the limit and the test of my ability to survive.

Ok I am a little more (VERY) serious with what I am going through and is trying to get people to understand. Hmmm baning head off a brick wall sounds pretty good.

Like the vast majority have said about taking slow, I'm in no rush to get there. I've had this condition all my life and there is no escaping it anymore. Just taking each day as it comes and thus with the lack of finance at the mo' well need I say more. Each day will have it's own set of challenges but nothing as big as the brick wall I hit when I was in the UK, up to it in debt and all that stuff. I want it, I work for it and save for it. I get it. easy. Hmmm well not quite.

I am also looking to the fact of facing my boss and telling him about my condition. I am soon to be thrust back into the realms of working life, which to say the least will be different this year than any other.

Ok, time to try and get back to sleep


xx Nite xx

Things seemed quite good yesterday. Went out at lunchtime with my female housemate and had a few drinks and a chat about my condition and the direction in which I was intending to go. There are only a handful of people that I have spoken to about this but seem fairly understanding. We went on to town later that evening and had a good time. The mood was fairly light and could make jokes about me being a freak. I got to the stage of having my limit of drink and decided to head home. Outside one of the clubs was a fight. Immediately my femme instincts kicked in and felt quite scared. Having no money had the only option to walk home. Had a few lads following me for a little while but turned off a different direction. I had this shudder that what could have happened if I was dressed, would things have been different. This got me to a sense of panic which quickly led to emotional thoughts of what I am going through. Wearing female clothes out while brandishing the bits of hatred below could be a recipe for disaster. My fears turned into doubts and on to confusion as I walked the 15 mins back towards home. I just wanted out of this situation and the thought occurred again of taking my own life.
Knowing that this was not the way out could only focus on getting home and onto the security of the angels chatroom. Thankfully at such a small hour there were still a few girls around and quickly I felt much better.

My general train of thought today has been to my experience last night and what would happen when I finally make my stance in life as a woman. I have decided that like my small steps in transition, my social life should also be in moderation. This should not cause any suspicion as to the changes that I am making to myself.

As I am now a practicing wannabe girl, using the facial products but not onto the makeup yet, I have to still be discreet about my actions.
I has been noticed by a few about my differences and the discussion last night was to how the people around here would treat me. That is kind of the scary bit I am not looking forward to.

I am now seeking advice for facial treatment either by laser or electrolysis as find shaving a bit of a bind. Something I always had issues with though in respect.

I am off out tomorrow to do a bit of shpping and after the purchase of my cleansers and stuff the other day, is going to be a challange to buy foundation and lippy. I might, if I am brave enough, have a look for a nice top and possibly a pair of boots. Seem to have this fetish with boots at the mo' as I could possibly wear them out with a pair of jeans.
My pink cardie has been banished from public view *lol* as I find it a little too much. Looking for something neutral like grey.

Still hoping to make it to London in March, but looks like my chances are fading as money becomes tighter. So might just make the break right here in my own good time.
Still not going to give up on the fact though.

Transition for me is a way of finding my true self and learning to cope with the day to day pressures that I am going to have to face. Not even so much as the dressing anymore as I feel quite comfortable just being me.


anyway enough rambling from me for one day

xxKatyxx

Back from hostile territories of the UK saw me landed back on Irish soil somewhat a day earlier than anticipated. Having completed most of my plans there came back with the peace of mind that I can continue to rebuild my life now.
I was quite surprised that when I told my mother what I was going through that she understood quite well and told me that she had known about me a lot longer than I thought. Feeling quite pleased with the result of her words of wisdom lifted a heacier weight off my shoulders.

Today is the planned start of my transitional period which I know is not going to be an overnight process. I went out today and started about my long wish list of basic products that I am needing. Bought a cleanser cream and a moisturizer which I have now started using. As my housemate is in denial about me, he decided to tag along when I went into town. Having gone our own ways, decided that my shopping spree was to begin. However, was looking at my cleanser when he walked up behind me and tapped me on the shoulder. Still bought my stuff and headed back towards home.

I was also looking at tops and coats today, but did not make the fact too known.

My sense of wellbeing is pretty good at the moment and have felt like I have stepped across one big hurdle of my life. Where I could only dream of looking before, I look and don't feel guilty in the process.

Next will be looking at some makeup but might wait until I go to London for further advice. As to my wig, have decided to keep with my own hair as it is growing quite well and have decided to get the grey taken out. Something I intend to do in the morning.

Living this life is going to be more complicated than I first imagined as bob mode used to see me dive out of bed and chuck my clothes on. Now I get the sense that I have things to do before I go out. It is kind of getting me a little more organized.

Ok, think thats all for the moment

xxKatyxx

Wednesday afternoon.
Been out this morning with my mate, who decided that I had been down for too long and needed to see some countryside. I was great, but on returning, kinda went blank and forgot exactly where I was. I decided to take a bit of a walk down the road and back home, but felt very much exposed and open to attack. Living within my safe haven of my 4 walls this last week has not done me any favors.
I am heading away tomorrow back to the UK and need to feel safe in traveling.
Although still bob, Katy has uncertainties in coping with life on the street but needs to overcome this fear which I know in time, she will.

Whilst on my walk, I passed a few males and had a little chuckle to myself thinking of their primate species thumping along with their long arms drooping in front of them. I am now conscious of the finesse within my walk and the fact that I need to improve my posture while walking and most definitely sitting. Again I tend to slouch from time to time and this is not lady like. People are starting to recognize that me voice is changing slightly and getting softer and quieter. I no longer need to bellow to be heard.

Wilst out, I had a delivery which I have to collect form the orting office later. My pink top has arrived yeah :-) I ma now getting out of the neutral blacks to something more bright and chirpy.

Still contemplating doing the season In smart Katy clothes, but will have to chat to my boss and the tour-guides about this. It might be easier for all if I were just to ride this wave and wait for the calm at the end of the season.

I have decided to meet up with another lass in Limerick to go ad have a bit of a shopping spree. After reading a post from her last night, got concerned and decided to take action by giving out my number. I just feel so sorry for those in transition that all of a sudden have doubts. It is not a light subject to deal with after all and the lack of compassion shown by the general public can destroy confidence.

As mentioned, I am off away tomorrow and looking forward to going and buying some makeup. I have decided to take the financial spending easy for the moment until I get back to work. Still then, need to save as I have a lot of cost coming up within the next few years.

Ok, enough from me at the moment.
Will post when I get back

xxx Katy xxx

ok, yeah right. 2 posts in a day, that is now going a bit far. So will keep it short.

Was sat here today thinking about my wig. Never heard anything back from Jenni so I thought I might give her a call. My heart was racing the whole time but plucked up the courage to pickup the phone and dial. Unfortunately no one answered the phone much to my disappointment as I wanted to have a chat since this lady has only ever seen a photo of me in bob mode.

It has been a good day all in all and looking forward to getting dressed later on.


Ok, enough for now xx

xxKatyxx

Here we are again. Kind of getting used to this now. Never was very good at keeping information.

Each day that goes by mow is getting easier and less confusing. I know the direction that I am taking is the right one. The confusion is maily down to thinking totally as Katy and not some false bob mode.

Currently looking back to when this all first started. i must have been about 5 or 6, but even back then knew it was not right, so kept quiet.
It did emerge on occasions when i would opt in pretend games to be female.
A working progress which will report on at times.

Was talking to a lad last night who is "out" about being gay. It was quite amusing as my voice has softened since quitting smoking. He showed signs of being a little interested in my feminine ways.

Got talking about sexuality and he asked straight out if I was gay. I replied that I was TS to which he felt a little uneasy. Not knowing can be like that, trying to understand can make things worse. Nevermind, he was sooo sweet about it.

I am kind of now liking my new role. however the demand from my other housemate, can be quite frustrating at times. He is led on the couch now where he has been all night watching tele. I want to hoover up and do some polishing, but know how mmody he can be if woke suddenly. But wont be for long as I am now looking for my own girly pad.

Pink seems to be my in color at the moment, but might not stretch that far with the decor of my new place. Going to have a look later as to what is about.

That will be the time that Katy emerges fully. It will get people used to her and in time will get them to accept her.

Well, I am not going to pass this lovely weather up today, so going now for a nice stroll in the park.


xxKatyxx

Monday afternoon. Here we are again in solitary confinement or my comfort zone.
Getting mixed reactions as to my transitional journey. I am now in the understanding that things could get pretty messy with regards to fitting in.

Not smoking is really helping my mind, but above all I have abused my body for so long now in many respects.

There are a lot of girls in the angels that I have the upmost admiration for and there are those who just dress for the fun of it. Saying this, they even have the up most admiration for what I am going through.

Was talking to Nikki today, who is a real sweetheart. I have to admire her courage.
It seems that there are more in this situation than I ever anticipated.

Been uploading photos, as I have at least one talent that I can say aspires from my femme side. Going to show off later.

Still got to pick the right set of words to tell my mum at the end of the week. Can't Just blurt out that I am transsexual and I am going to become a girl. Have to be diplomatic.

Hope to speak to Helen tonite. She is another sweetheart who is looking at the transition the same as me. She seems pretty quiet and confused too with her state of mind. We seems to be helping each other out through our problems.

I must admit that being in this situation, I have more genuine friends that I ever did. They are not scroungers and false. They are really genuine girls.

I have decided that I will be moving shortly, when I do, I am going to take Katy to the dress sense and get her into the community.
I am looking to stay around or near to where I live, but need space on my own.

Looking forward to Thursday this week when I go back to the UK (at last) however, heard just now that tonites ferry is canceled. Tsk, going to be my luck isn't it just.

Making my essentials shopping list out and the list seemingly gets longer and longer, but a girl must have her face to go out wiv.

I can't really express feelings on Katy at the moment because she is me and I am her.
I know that I feel some sense of comfort with her ruling my life at last.
Just hope that it keeps going. Kinda getting out of the "bob" habits too.

Was looking at femme walks today, don't think mine is too bad and don't want to go OTT with the whole thing..

Ok, ending on that note

xxKatyxx

Sunday morning. Ok, I know I could write this in a diary. lol

Yesterday was 199.99% better than that of Friday. My emotional state has returned to some normality, although not quite sure what that is any more. I tend to feel more sensual now that I can ever remember. Getting teat to my eye in the most simple situation.

Made a post on the angels forum with regards to my feelings on Friday. The replies were just class. I've never had so much support in my entire life like I have now. It seems that we are all one community and there are those who are like me and those who simple like to dress.

Ok, back to ground earth. Been doing more research into Gender Dysphoria and HRT. I have been for sometime now wanting to give up smoking, but have never succeeded. It recommends that smokers get a less effect on HRT. Well hmmm this girl does not want that. However a solution to 2 problems was just around the corner.
Having had no money since Thursday, I have not been able to afford to buy ciggies.
My so called "Best Mate" owes me a lot of favors since I have been here, I used to help him out when he had no money, so thought that I would ask for the same.
He came over and offered me a cigarette. Not a packet like I bought him in the past, oh no. He then went on to say about having problems with his car. Since I never got paid for the last job I did, I have no interest. He is hinting and comes round to the full blown question "will you have a look at it for me?" To which I replied "Na sorry, Don't want to muck up me nails." Showing him my hands, I had a rather sharp look at that point, also added, I was never paid from the last job. Things kinda got a bit edgy and made his excuses and left.

Ok, so I have this dilemma on smoking, that was the one solution, the other is to lock myself in my room and just be Katy, It kinda works and is good fun in the process.

In here I can get to know myself and remove the plastic layers that have soo dominated my life up to now.

Even down to the computer, I have taken over and cast the male side into the background.
With each and every day that passes now, I know this is right, but why has it taken so long.

Had a chat to my mum last night, who seemed the least bit concerned about me. I mentioned that I had slept better, but my mind was still confused and had the reply "Pull youself together." So I think that telling her is not going to be in the equation. Although, I want to see her face.

I have decided now that the next steps of my life adjustment are to get to know the basics of a womans life. How to dress, Speech therapy, walking and the makeup. I have studied this now for a long time as I knew this day would come.
Now to put things into practice.

I have to phone on Monday about my wig. I sent poor Jenni a photo of me in bob mode which even leaves me disturbed.

But for today, It's Sunday, a day of rest again. Be in Sunday dress and relax.

xxKatyxx

Yesterday was the hardest day of my life so far. Not only was I low About my dad, but seemed that all the demons of my past came back and hit me in the face.
Most of the day, was confined to my room, it was not a good idea to even go into the kitchen, as I just broke down without reason.
I am actually now glad that I did not make my trip back to England as I would have probably done something with severe consequences.

I spoke to a few people, but however their words of comfort and wisdom, just did not want to take it in.

Most of the day, I was on the angels website chatting (when I could) and tanks to all especially Jennifer, for those kind words of wisdom. I am not the kind of woman who seeks attention, always try and deal with things the best I can. But look where that has got me up until now.

More positive thoughts are streaming through my head today but still feel a little emotional.

I was contemplating a walk later to clear my head a little, but not a good idea in the given circumstances. I just want to be around those who I feel comfortable and not the rest of the cruel world who makes me feel rejected.

I was talking to my friend last night and the concerned look in his face wanted to find out what was wrong. I bottled it despite telling him once when I first moved here. I just did not want to create a scene.

Ok, peeps, thats all for the mo'

xxKxx

Been kind of a mixed day today. As hard as it was to remember my dearly departed father, had a few thoughts about myself. Can't believe this is at last going to happen for me. I keep asking why now? Why me. I consulted a local doctor who was great. I told her about my situation and she tried to understand dearly.
Not having too many of us within the community can be a bit of an issue.
It was decided for my own good, that I try and be strong. I've come this far and tablets to suppress depression would not be a good idea in my current state of mind.

I am going forward now and really going to slow things back. This is all a blur for me.
Somewhat 2 weeks ago, seemed to be quite content in bob mode, now all of a sudden, he seems to be locked away where Katy was.

I am more content with her and have a lot of making up to do to her.


Ok, outta here for now

My last post should have seen me on English soil today, but unfortunately things went wrong. Never mind, that's not why I'm posting this.

I feel more in touch with Katy every day, she seems to have become part of my integral life and not some fantasy at the back of my mind. This is great, although haven't been out dressed, feeling more comfortable with her.

Made the Jump into searching for a wig, after chatting to the lovely Kay D on the angels forum started looking at one particular website. As I am here and they are there, the paths are difficult to meet, so emailed the shop to see If they could be any assistance if I sent a photo. Not long after, got an email back saying they would have a go. Cheers Jenni, my look is in your hands now hun.

I also took steps to my birthday treat and contacted Jodie at The Boudoir for my makeover and escorted first trip out.

She seems such a sweetheart and can't wait to meet her. I am also expecting the company of the lovely Anna, who is also on her first time out. This should ease the nerves a little.

Now making calls to find a good understanding shrink, as I want to get the wheels in motion. I might not be able to afford consultations until I get back to work, but still get the ball rolling.

It is lovely to be able to at last feel fee of a burden that I have carried for so many years now. Always seemed that my life was miserable.

Anyway. Going to end on that note.

Oh but before I go. Having a soppy feb8th. 9 years today that I lost my day. God rest his sole xxxx
Your daughter.

After 2 weeks of being back in Katy mode, I am now getting things a little clearer in my head.

I talking to a friend the other evening and got a little emotional, as this is a bad time of the year for me with the loss of my father nearly 9 years ago.
After having a few drinks, i blurted out my whole life history in concise mode, to which my friend listened and understood.
My biggest fear of coming out of the closet is what people might think about me, and was afraid of if he said anything to my other housemate as they met up for a drink later.

This got me to thinking about my trip back to the UK today, which I spent all last night worrying about as I had a confrontation with my step-father somewhat 8 months ago and this is the first time we will meet face to face since.

This morning it seems that all the answers have come together and will be heading for the bus shortly.

I am now looking forward to my trip to London sometime in March, however things are not really going to plan as finances are a big poor here at the moment, but nevertheless going to make some sacrifices just to get there.

I know that once I am out and about that I can start gain my confidence and getting down to living the life I could only once dream about.
There have been some great people that I have met over the internet on the UK angels forum, which has boosted my confidence no end. These are people who are in the same situation as myself especially Anna, who I am in contact with as we both intend going to London for a makeover and clubbing afterwards for the first time ever. I will be nice to know that I shall have someone there for moral support.

Well, think thats enough blurting from me for a bit. Will post when I get back from the UK on Monday evening.

xx Katy xx

It started with

A big flash & loud bang, when I came into this world. Can't remember much about it but was told that I was there.

After the typical crying thing of wetting nappies, I started to have some memories.
I can remember that as an ugly duckling, I can recall that I was different in many ways. Thhings get kinda hazy these days after a few glasses of porter.

Ok, what I am actually trying to say is that I am more femme than man within my body.
A thing that for years have hated but accepted the fact that it was a Friday afternoon and the gender handout people were a bit grumpy when I asked for what I wanted.

After living with denial for a good number of years, a situation arose that really got me thinking again.
After seeling the home that I had lived all my life, bought a motorhome and headed somewhere. That somewhere became Ireland.

I have spent the past 12 months thinking about who and what I was and then came to the conclusion that I could take control and put an end to this misery.

The last thing you should ever do is argue with a woman, as by chrikey, when they rebel you know about it.

After trying to creep to this wonderful girl by buying her clothes, stumbled upon a forum that would be the next step in my life.

The Uk Angels were a great help, and now plan to embark on a mission to become Katy fulltime.

Will keep you all posted on her progress

xxXXxx