Shame I haven't learned how to smile yet
Monday 31 August 2009
Moving on
After what has been somewhat of a traumatic 2 weeks, I've now started to get my head around what the next stage of my transition.
Last Monday I had a chat with my psychiatrist before being discharged from hospital again & it seems my banging on about gender issues has finally sunk in with her. I'm now being given a referral to see a Dr who can hopefully wite me up for HRT & finally get going on the next stage of my venture. It's not before time too yet looking back on the issues that have dominated my life this year, I can see the positives outweigh the negatives & have gained more personal acceptance than I had realised.
Still each day is hard for me and seems lIke groundhog day over & over again with the battle against nature's mis-giving towards me.
I've come to realise that although the fight continues that next year it should start getting easier when I start IPL & eliminating the masculine features that have for so long cast a shadow upon my life.
Still looking back & continuously battling against suicidal thoughts I am winning slowly but still wish now that I could have ended it all back then. I kinda know in my heart that there lies a bigger challenge ahead yet something I have started to conquer.
Last Monday I had a chat with my psychiatrist before being discharged from hospital again & it seems my banging on about gender issues has finally sunk in with her. I'm now being given a referral to see a Dr who can hopefully wite me up for HRT & finally get going on the next stage of my venture. It's not before time too yet looking back on the issues that have dominated my life this year, I can see the positives outweigh the negatives & have gained more personal acceptance than I had realised.
Still each day is hard for me and seems lIke groundhog day over & over again with the battle against nature's mis-giving towards me.
I've come to realise that although the fight continues that next year it should start getting easier when I start IPL & eliminating the masculine features that have for so long cast a shadow upon my life.
Still looking back & continuously battling against suicidal thoughts I am winning slowly but still wish now that I could have ended it all back then. I kinda know in my heart that there lies a bigger challenge ahead yet something I have started to conquer.
Wednesday 19 August 2009
I've had it!
Looking back at my recent posts and the way life is panning out for me, it once again seems 3 steps forward and 10 back and I really can't carry on with this anymore!
I spoke to my community nurse just now and have to call her tomorrow before I make my visitbto Tralee hospital to arrange an appointment & see how I'm feeling. Well it's going to be the same as it is today and going to go the same as it did before with the health professionals aka shove me on anti-depressants and fuck the Gender issues as they haven't a clue.
Even my mate said to me last night that he has pepared himself to find me one day dead as he can see my suffering with nothing being done by my so-called fucking medical team.
I spoke to my community nurse just now and have to call her tomorrow before I make my visitbto Tralee hospital to arrange an appointment & see how I'm feeling. Well it's going to be the same as it is today and going to go the same as it did before with the health professionals aka shove me on anti-depressants and fuck the Gender issues as they haven't a clue.
Even my mate said to me last night that he has pepared himself to find me one day dead as he can see my suffering with nothing being done by my so-called fucking medical team.
Tuesday 18 August 2009
Didn't see this coming!
I was going to post here earlier and got dragged away in the middle, which subsequently I lost the post.
Well the last few days have been remarkable as I gained more & more confidence to present myself to the world as my true feminine self and even talking about my transition to others. All was looking good until today. So what changed? Nothing in my eyes, I still meet the world with the same enthusiasm and more so now as I'm on the trail of ministers & health chiefs to recognise and deal with the condition that burdens so many like myself. Yep I have a voice and prepared to use it.
Well today I felt drained of energy but nothing is new there as this is a regular thing with me these days. But I can't explain what has caused me to feel this low, shaking inside & would be the time I would overdose. No worries on that last statement as I have too much to live for now, but feel that I am in a state to present myself to hospital to let them evaluate me. I'm not depressed but feel that once again that my system is being poisoned by this thing "Testoserone" that my body is producing.
The funny thing is that I was talking to my community nurse today and made the same statements that I made 9 months ago when I was at my lowest.
Well the reason behind me going back to cell block H is 'cause they are the experts in health care and I have no clue what my own body is doing. Yeah right! try reversal and that might be somewhere near.
Will have to phone my community nurse again tomorrow & tell her how I feel, saying once again that this can't carry on.
I'm really at that stage now where I feel self-medding on HRT the only option.
Well the last few days have been remarkable as I gained more & more confidence to present myself to the world as my true feminine self and even talking about my transition to others. All was looking good until today. So what changed? Nothing in my eyes, I still meet the world with the same enthusiasm and more so now as I'm on the trail of ministers & health chiefs to recognise and deal with the condition that burdens so many like myself. Yep I have a voice and prepared to use it.
Well today I felt drained of energy but nothing is new there as this is a regular thing with me these days. But I can't explain what has caused me to feel this low, shaking inside & would be the time I would overdose. No worries on that last statement as I have too much to live for now, but feel that I am in a state to present myself to hospital to let them evaluate me. I'm not depressed but feel that once again that my system is being poisoned by this thing "Testoserone" that my body is producing.
The funny thing is that I was talking to my community nurse today and made the same statements that I made 9 months ago when I was at my lowest.
Well the reason behind me going back to cell block H is 'cause they are the experts in health care and I have no clue what my own body is doing. Yeah right! try reversal and that might be somewhere near.
Will have to phone my community nurse again tomorrow & tell her how I feel, saying once again that this can't carry on.
I'm really at that stage now where I feel self-medding on HRT the only option.
Saturday 15 August 2009
Progress
I've been thinking recently about how I have progressed even over the last few days and how with each day I gradually get stronger. Well to think about those dark times and the distress I caused people still sends shivers down my spine.
It's been an eventful week yet was set-back mid week after trying to sort out my money which brought on a panic attack. Yep I'm still pretty vulnerable but my strength and will to fight on couteracts that so such occurances are few and far between these days. It's stil scary though that when I hit a low I have no control over what I do.
On a slighly different note, it's now a month since I was told that I was to become homeless and just over 3 weeks since I moved out. Well all I can say is that being homeless has taught me a great deal about life and what we take for granted especially when you have to fetch and carry water to clean yourself. I'm still under the trees in my mates field and happy out at that but can't see myself moving any time soon due to cut-backs in the rent allowance meaning I could only share a place again and don't really want that. It's also interesting to put to use the stuff I bought 3 years ago when I first purchased the van.
Anyway we shall cross bridges as and when they arise but until then just getting back on track.
It's been an eventful week yet was set-back mid week after trying to sort out my money which brought on a panic attack. Yep I'm still pretty vulnerable but my strength and will to fight on couteracts that so such occurances are few and far between these days. It's stil scary though that when I hit a low I have no control over what I do.
On a slighly different note, it's now a month since I was told that I was to become homeless and just over 3 weeks since I moved out. Well all I can say is that being homeless has taught me a great deal about life and what we take for granted especially when you have to fetch and carry water to clean yourself. I'm still under the trees in my mates field and happy out at that but can't see myself moving any time soon due to cut-backs in the rent allowance meaning I could only share a place again and don't really want that. It's also interesting to put to use the stuff I bought 3 years ago when I first purchased the van.
Anyway we shall cross bridges as and when they arise but until then just getting back on track.
Saturday 8 August 2009
Total shutdown
After the seemingly madness of being out of bed and working this morning I had the rest of the day to myself.
So in true fashion I slept a bit and did some laundry (primative style)...... Ok I confess I don't have the comfort these days of a washing machine yet seem to manage quite well. I also started on a painting and blanked out one that had previosly gone wrong.
My mind is wandering freely like the breeze fluttering the trees outside and I can say I'm completely relaxed although there are a few things niggling in the back of my mind but can safely say that these aren't going to spoil my weekend.
I would never have thought that this black hole I was in would ever end yet the road to recovery is seemnigly on auto-pilot right now and to be honest the last thing on my mind right now are the issues that for so long have dominated my life bringing it to a stand-still.
So in true fashion I slept a bit and did some laundry (primative style)...... Ok I confess I don't have the comfort these days of a washing machine yet seem to manage quite well. I also started on a painting and blanked out one that had previosly gone wrong.
My mind is wandering freely like the breeze fluttering the trees outside and I can say I'm completely relaxed although there are a few things niggling in the back of my mind but can safely say that these aren't going to spoil my weekend.
I would never have thought that this black hole I was in would ever end yet the road to recovery is seemnigly on auto-pilot right now and to be honest the last thing on my mind right now are the issues that for so long have dominated my life bringing it to a stand-still.
Friday 7 August 2009
Physical drain :(
There was a time that I was so full of energy it was unreal. Nowadays I spend most of my energy battling on the best way I can. Although black thoughts are few and far between now I stil have to cope with every waking hour being constantly reminded of natures mis-givings.
I had been doing some work for a friend and was making good headway until I got into this recent lull and today all I could do is watch which was really degrading for me.
The upside is that my attitude has got alot better even this week as to life and have reflected on when I was low not realising how bad I really was. It's still a long climb back so just needing to rest a while now I'm on more stable ground.
I had been doing some work for a friend and was making good headway until I got into this recent lull and today all I could do is watch which was really degrading for me.
The upside is that my attitude has got alot better even this week as to life and have reflected on when I was low not realising how bad I really was. It's still a long climb back so just needing to rest a while now I'm on more stable ground.
Monday 3 August 2009
My little cows
These little fellas have been my saviour over the last week. It's so funny to watch them playing around yet this is the closest they have been to me yet
Sunday 2 August 2009
Conflict of mind.
Although I am trying to keep positive the cycle of thoughts from my emotional feelings early this morning are running high now. I feel somewhat vague in myself and my life to date and trying to fight these thoughts once again is hard. All I can say is that my mind is on an ultra-low and getting visions again of suicide.
This is really pissing me off now and suppose if I acted upon such thoughts that I would be no longer suffering within this twisted world.
Still the upside is that I tried many times before and failed :(
This is really pissing me off now and suppose if I acted upon such thoughts that I would be no longer suffering within this twisted world.
Still the upside is that I tried many times before and failed :(
It's not all cut & dried
I'm kinda glad that I never mentioned yesterday about my good intentions as once again it failed. I have been left feeling disappointed by these efforts yet not seeing any such challenges as a failiure just merely a setback of not being ready.
Well what happened left me feeling emotinal in many ways as I sat outside talking to my mum and sister-in-law on yahoo messenger and couldn't help feeling for my mum as she is now in regular contact with her grandchildren from Scotland. These are somewhat different emotions compared to what had been going through my mind as of late with selfish thoughts of self-harming. Nope it has not crossed my mind one bit and can now safely say that I am free of any medication that was ever prescribed for my mood. It's not really something I considered yet kinda happened through forgetfulness ;) and yet I must admit that I feel loads better off without the stuff.
I guess strength has been built beyond belief to be able to continue the fight back to this level and yet it still lurks in the back of my mind about wishing this could all be over and never again be burdened with gender issues. The wakeup call comes though that this is happening and I have no control over the situation so has to deal with it accordingly. Hopefully this change to my life will make me happy in the end.
On another note, my train of thought yesterday evening was a little unstable and had thoughts of going back drinking. It's the first time I had any such cravings for alcohol yet would not let into that temptation one bit.
Anyway, I'm going to try and get back to sleep.
xxx
Well what happened left me feeling emotinal in many ways as I sat outside talking to my mum and sister-in-law on yahoo messenger and couldn't help feeling for my mum as she is now in regular contact with her grandchildren from Scotland. These are somewhat different emotions compared to what had been going through my mind as of late with selfish thoughts of self-harming. Nope it has not crossed my mind one bit and can now safely say that I am free of any medication that was ever prescribed for my mood. It's not really something I considered yet kinda happened through forgetfulness ;) and yet I must admit that I feel loads better off without the stuff.
I guess strength has been built beyond belief to be able to continue the fight back to this level and yet it still lurks in the back of my mind about wishing this could all be over and never again be burdened with gender issues. The wakeup call comes though that this is happening and I have no control over the situation so has to deal with it accordingly. Hopefully this change to my life will make me happy in the end.
On another note, my train of thought yesterday evening was a little unstable and had thoughts of going back drinking. It's the first time I had any such cravings for alcohol yet would not let into that temptation one bit.
Anyway, I'm going to try and get back to sleep.
xxx
Saturday 1 August 2009
Self-inflicted feelings
So the last few days have been chilling out & getting back into the pace of life yet I missed the feelings of being low & groggy.
Well not really yet yesterday I decided the time was right to try something that I knew would leave me feeling this way today. I have slept alot which isn't such a bad thing as I needed to catch up on my Zzzzzz's.
I felt dizzy & confused at times but was feeling that way on a regular basis & I have also had some strange dreams, again nothing new on that front. But the big plus is that my mind is focused to get onto HRT within the next few weeks and then move forwards. But before I start HRT I am buying a new laptop and will be making videos to go on youtube and linking here.
Ok so what is such the big deal. that has left me feeling this way?
Hmm I might keep you all guessing for the coming days :D
Well not really yet yesterday I decided the time was right to try something that I knew would leave me feeling this way today. I have slept alot which isn't such a bad thing as I needed to catch up on my Zzzzzz's.
I felt dizzy & confused at times but was feeling that way on a regular basis & I have also had some strange dreams, again nothing new on that front. But the big plus is that my mind is focused to get onto HRT within the next few weeks and then move forwards. But before I start HRT I am buying a new laptop and will be making videos to go on youtube and linking here.
Ok so what is such the big deal. that has left me feeling this way?
Hmm I might keep you all guessing for the coming days :D
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)