Life back in the real world is a bundle of laughs. I was faced with an amount of qustions from my mate yesterday about me and how far I was going to go with my transition. Ok I didnot mind answering these questions as it give those close to me an understanding of the journey I am going to take and the implications involved. This conversation took place outside my local pub and had a few people listening into the conversation. However, Much to my amazement I did not get any kinda second looks from the people listening as I engterd the pub again. Of all the times i9 thought that people would look down at me and judge me as a freak, it seems just the opposite that I can be accpeted for the stuff that I am going through.
I am sat here at the moment looking into the mirror wearing a plum t'shirt and purple cardie and black skirt. Ok not that any of this is relevant to what I am about to say, but just felt like dressing this way today. As I look into the mirror, i see back a pretty little girl but with the stubble that would put even desperate dan to shame. I have not been able to shave for a couple of days now as my face has become sore. I have used plenty of moisturizer and still have a rash. Hmmm well i was talking the other night about having Laser treatment for my facial hair and cannot wait to get that started. I know none of this is going to be a miracle cure and all takes time to be effective. I am also going to be paid back by my mate shortly for some work that I did for him back last year. As the exchange rates are to my advantage, am looking at putting this towards my first visit to Dr Curtis and might get an appointment for next month. The other thing is to buy some makeup but will have to balance the two out. I am looking at just applying concealer & foundation for the moment and this will apply for my daily routine at work. Although I have not yet one out dressed in skirts and heels, find myself leading a much different life but cannot imagine what has changed as I have always tried to live a feminine life. My voice is now softer and through previous attempts at anacusion have implemented this as part of my self contained speach therapy. I am aware that once I start hormones, I will have to work harder on my voice, but seems to have the advantage of others in the way that I adapted the vocal techniques at a young age and never really let go.
Thinking back at my departure from the angels, feel now that it was the right move to make. Once again i found myself masking away from my real personality. But enough said about that as I will keep popping in from time to time to make sure they are behaving.
Anyway, getting stuck for things to say here so will leave on that note.
Ooo but looking at a video diary on youtube shortly..
Out and gone
xxx Katy xxx
Friday 28 March 2008
Wednesday 26 March 2008
Things took a bit of a twist yesterday as I said farewell to my fellow angels. This was not a spur of the moment thing but feel the need to move forward and on with my life. I seem to have gotten stuck in this rut of the internet and was not getting on with my day to day life. I will be back at work shortly and can keep the girls over there posted on my progress as it goes on. I feel somewhat emotionally attached to my life now and working my voice back to the soft feminine way it used to be. The harsh reality of this decision is that I don't really like the fantasy's of being female nor the way that dressing makes me feel. Ok it has some girly power that keeps me intouch with the true person that I really am but I get no thrill out of doing it. Reading posts about girly things just made me realize that we are split in 2 halve when it comes to the trans world. Another word that I hate but have to accept that I AM a trans girl and not a genetic girl. Now I can concentrate on getting on with my transition and hope that all goes well. I am always there for the needs of my new friends from the Angels and will be grateful to help via emails and such.
Well today I had a parcel, which may I add was just about a week late. But hey can't do anything about that as we have just gotten over easter. I am looking forward to the prospects of getting back to work which equates to getting over to the Uk for my first diagnosis of this condition. I am currently sat here gazing periodically into the mirror opposite me and have come to the conclusion that I need to get something done about me nose. :) But taking little tiny steps to realize that what I am going to endure is the right thing as I will have to live with this for the rest of my life. I have made some pretty stupid mistakes in the past that too now need to be rectified. As a young girl, I decided to have a tattoo done on my left arm and some few years down the road have grown to hate the dam thing so might look at having it removed or covered up. It is things like this that I don't just want to jump into and make sure that I am comfortable with my life before making such changes. Still I feel that deep down I am on the right tracks now and with the proper help can make the changes to my life.
I am hoping to get the bills sorted in the next few weeks and have a good shopping trip. Dam the needs of a female are so great from day to day skin care right through to clothes. In years gone, I have never been the type of person that has made any attempt on my image but seems now that I have to look good when I go out. Think this could mainly be the fact that I have been in a world of my own and never wanted to present as a male but was scared to present as a female.
Looking back though at the past, i realized that just by wearing a pair of jeans made me feel girly. The lack of understanding from my parents and the lack of cash to but clothes was kind of a luxury for me back then. It stillechoes to this day with my mum. In a recent conversation with her, she asked if I had my hair cut for going back to work. Hey come on like, I have told her about my condition and that I have no option to go forward. Is this really going to help my image as female hmmmmm no. So I told the ultimate lie that I did have it cut as she is not likely to see me anytime soon.
Well it is that time where I need to get out of bed and back down stairs as I am hungry. Ooops should not have said anything about that as I am supposed to be on a diet.
Cheeeoooo for now.
xxx Katy xxx
Well today I had a parcel, which may I add was just about a week late. But hey can't do anything about that as we have just gotten over easter. I am looking forward to the prospects of getting back to work which equates to getting over to the Uk for my first diagnosis of this condition. I am currently sat here gazing periodically into the mirror opposite me and have come to the conclusion that I need to get something done about me nose. :) But taking little tiny steps to realize that what I am going to endure is the right thing as I will have to live with this for the rest of my life. I have made some pretty stupid mistakes in the past that too now need to be rectified. As a young girl, I decided to have a tattoo done on my left arm and some few years down the road have grown to hate the dam thing so might look at having it removed or covered up. It is things like this that I don't just want to jump into and make sure that I am comfortable with my life before making such changes. Still I feel that deep down I am on the right tracks now and with the proper help can make the changes to my life.
I am hoping to get the bills sorted in the next few weeks and have a good shopping trip. Dam the needs of a female are so great from day to day skin care right through to clothes. In years gone, I have never been the type of person that has made any attempt on my image but seems now that I have to look good when I go out. Think this could mainly be the fact that I have been in a world of my own and never wanted to present as a male but was scared to present as a female.
Looking back though at the past, i realized that just by wearing a pair of jeans made me feel girly. The lack of understanding from my parents and the lack of cash to but clothes was kind of a luxury for me back then. It stillechoes to this day with my mum. In a recent conversation with her, she asked if I had my hair cut for going back to work. Hey come on like, I have told her about my condition and that I have no option to go forward. Is this really going to help my image as female hmmmmm no. So I told the ultimate lie that I did have it cut as she is not likely to see me anytime soon.
Well it is that time where I need to get out of bed and back down stairs as I am hungry. Ooops should not have said anything about that as I am supposed to be on a diet.
Cheeeoooo for now.
xxx Katy xxx
Friday 21 March 2008
Haven't posted here for a while due to poor health, but on the mend now. Ok diet is not going as according to plan however I have just slid into a pair of jeans that I have had for the past 2 years and was bought as an initiative to lose weight so really happy with myself for doing that. Now have the next size down to aim for.
Recently I have had mixed emotions over this whole thing of aiming to gain my status as female seeing me hit drinking sessions and feeling depressed at the thought that like wanting to be a plastic paddy will be the same as a female. However, this whole assignment was to get my train of thought back to the times when I felt good about myself and was in my own little world as a girl. This has happened without me realizing and feel if nothing else happens within my life now that I am complete in mind and happy to continue within my day to day life. However I ave come this far and am now set on the challenge of going the whole hog.
In talking to people, I can now relate to my experience with some confidence and it seems like I am filling in the missing blanks to what people already knew. I get quotes of "So your not gay then." Well no, however it is female instinct to be attracted to the opposite sex, however I must tread a careful line and therefore must consider the feelings of others if I ever started dating.
On Wednesday I got my hair colored by my female housemate as I was starting to go a bit grey at the sides. Comments have since been made as to how much younger I look and that how feminine I look. I feel some sense of awe with that. However this is not about making a fashion statement nor is it about the standing out in the crowd fact, It is a case of blending in with the rest of society and people not noticing. I am still in the midst of training my voice, something that I have not reported on. This can be a trick task especially when having to speak loud or express emotion. But much of the time I can produce a soft tone. My accent here somewhat makes me different as it is broad and from the west country of England. I am fairly happy now with myself but need to get more into the makeup thing as it will be a necessity after the op with all the facial scars I will bare. Again is to be able to fit in on a daily basis and not OTT. I ave decided that my family style "nose" has to be re-shaped and re-sized now and might consult for a few other things to be done. But with all this going on, a concentrating mainly on my health before vanity. However given time and exercise this will come.
Will be starting back to work shortly and then can make provisions to go to London for my consultation. I might spend a few days there and have me makeover. But will pass on the clubbing scene as this is not really my style of living. I am more a quiet reserved girl who likes her creature comforts of home.
Internet forums.
I am putting this under a separate heading. Ok I am a little turned off now with the whole internet forum thing as things look depressing there at the moment. It seems full of wannbies in tights and wigs and false plastic imitations. Ok I know a lot about that as i had to do that in male mode. The TS sections are just full of people who are airing their problems about the NHS. When I initially looked into GRS in 1990, I found the cost to be around £10'000 even back then. There was no recognition in the NHS and would have had to have undergone stringent mental tests. At that time I was only 16 and could have only ever have dreamed of having that kind of money.
I still remain faithful to the Angels despite this and still pop by on occasions. It is like the MFO forum I was on, can be quite addictive and can dominate day to day life.
Ok, running out of things to say here so will end on that note.
Until next time xxx HUGS xxx
Katy
Recently I have had mixed emotions over this whole thing of aiming to gain my status as female seeing me hit drinking sessions and feeling depressed at the thought that like wanting to be a plastic paddy will be the same as a female. However, this whole assignment was to get my train of thought back to the times when I felt good about myself and was in my own little world as a girl. This has happened without me realizing and feel if nothing else happens within my life now that I am complete in mind and happy to continue within my day to day life. However I ave come this far and am now set on the challenge of going the whole hog.
In talking to people, I can now relate to my experience with some confidence and it seems like I am filling in the missing blanks to what people already knew. I get quotes of "So your not gay then." Well no, however it is female instinct to be attracted to the opposite sex, however I must tread a careful line and therefore must consider the feelings of others if I ever started dating.
On Wednesday I got my hair colored by my female housemate as I was starting to go a bit grey at the sides. Comments have since been made as to how much younger I look and that how feminine I look. I feel some sense of awe with that. However this is not about making a fashion statement nor is it about the standing out in the crowd fact, It is a case of blending in with the rest of society and people not noticing. I am still in the midst of training my voice, something that I have not reported on. This can be a trick task especially when having to speak loud or express emotion. But much of the time I can produce a soft tone. My accent here somewhat makes me different as it is broad and from the west country of England. I am fairly happy now with myself but need to get more into the makeup thing as it will be a necessity after the op with all the facial scars I will bare. Again is to be able to fit in on a daily basis and not OTT. I ave decided that my family style "nose" has to be re-shaped and re-sized now and might consult for a few other things to be done. But with all this going on, a concentrating mainly on my health before vanity. However given time and exercise this will come.
Will be starting back to work shortly and then can make provisions to go to London for my consultation. I might spend a few days there and have me makeover. But will pass on the clubbing scene as this is not really my style of living. I am more a quiet reserved girl who likes her creature comforts of home.
Internet forums.
I am putting this under a separate heading. Ok I am a little turned off now with the whole internet forum thing as things look depressing there at the moment. It seems full of wannbies in tights and wigs and false plastic imitations. Ok I know a lot about that as i had to do that in male mode. The TS sections are just full of people who are airing their problems about the NHS. When I initially looked into GRS in 1990, I found the cost to be around £10'000 even back then. There was no recognition in the NHS and would have had to have undergone stringent mental tests. At that time I was only 16 and could have only ever have dreamed of having that kind of money.
I still remain faithful to the Angels despite this and still pop by on occasions. It is like the MFO forum I was on, can be quite addictive and can dominate day to day life.
Ok, running out of things to say here so will end on that note.
Until next time xxx HUGS xxx
Katy
Wednesday 12 March 2008
Ok, now things are really hotting up. Hmmm well not really ok, just having git to phase 2 of my transition journey thingy road trip.
I have done the doubt, guilt, self pity, moaning about house mates (ok will still moan about them. They deserve it :D) thing of my self discover first stage, but time waits for no person and sure as hell has to move on. So now onto the confidence stage. I have today measured my weight once again and have realized that I have gon from the obese stage to a big mouth stage ;D. Nooo not like that you moo. I have now to maintain a healthy lifestyle whilst loosing weight, getting fit and driving a bus for god knows how many hours a day. Right not too complicated. Also thrown into this is the confidence test. Buying clothes from high street retailers, getting the sand paper effect removed from my face and getting makeup tips from a local beautician that I shall rely on here to be my mentor. Ok, this has all been a struggle for me so far as I have always bought from catalogues as the embarrassment of buying stuff for meself was just not bearable.
The weight issue first. Currently 14 stone 10 at a height of 5'11 makes me some what overweight. Mind in saying that have lost over 2 stone in the last 2 years but maintained the slubberish life style that most men do.
Each morning I will weigh in and report on my diet intake for the day. Hopefully within 6 months at a realistic approach looking to have lost 2-4 inches from my mid section aka the blokes beer gut. (Yuk!)
The second part of my destruction trail will get me into shops and buying clothes in a confident manner, but you all don't need to know about that one.
Oooh on an "off subject" matter, saw an advert for an online bingo thing today which involved a guy dressing up in female clothes after his wife had left the house in order to play bingo. My mate was sat watching this and thought it rather funny until I gave him a harsh look. Oooo love those harsh looks and getting quite good at them.
In reality I says, I would tend to pick something a little more discreat and not something that made me look like Nora Batty going to church. With thagt me mate blushed> Love that part as well.
Ok thats me stuck for words for another 30 seconds
Ooo but am looking at writing this into a book format one day and might even mak it to the big screen. Crimewatch.
I have done the doubt, guilt, self pity, moaning about house mates (ok will still moan about them. They deserve it :D) thing of my self discover first stage, but time waits for no person and sure as hell has to move on. So now onto the confidence stage. I have today measured my weight once again and have realized that I have gon from the obese stage to a big mouth stage ;D. Nooo not like that you moo. I have now to maintain a healthy lifestyle whilst loosing weight, getting fit and driving a bus for god knows how many hours a day. Right not too complicated. Also thrown into this is the confidence test. Buying clothes from high street retailers, getting the sand paper effect removed from my face and getting makeup tips from a local beautician that I shall rely on here to be my mentor. Ok, this has all been a struggle for me so far as I have always bought from catalogues as the embarrassment of buying stuff for meself was just not bearable.
The weight issue first. Currently 14 stone 10 at a height of 5'11 makes me some what overweight. Mind in saying that have lost over 2 stone in the last 2 years but maintained the slubberish life style that most men do.
Each morning I will weigh in and report on my diet intake for the day. Hopefully within 6 months at a realistic approach looking to have lost 2-4 inches from my mid section aka the blokes beer gut. (Yuk!)
The second part of my destruction trail will get me into shops and buying clothes in a confident manner, but you all don't need to know about that one.
Oooh on an "off subject" matter, saw an advert for an online bingo thing today which involved a guy dressing up in female clothes after his wife had left the house in order to play bingo. My mate was sat watching this and thought it rather funny until I gave him a harsh look. Oooo love those harsh looks and getting quite good at them.
In reality I says, I would tend to pick something a little more discreat and not something that made me look like Nora Batty going to church. With thagt me mate blushed> Love that part as well.
Ok thats me stuck for words for another 30 seconds
Ooo but am looking at writing this into a book format one day and might even mak it to the big screen. Crimewatch.
Tuesday 11 March 2008
Well i have heard it all now. In a conversation with me mum today, she brought up the subject of my GID. Her statement was basically that it is not easy to live life as a woman and maybe that I should turn back while I still had the option. Hmmm I do not expect those who have not been don this route to understand but the hardships that I am not comfortable with my whole bodily experience is hard enough to deal with. It would be like death if I had to revert back to the sad and somewhat false life that I had led until now. People accept me for who I am and are prepared to back me in the decisions that I make towards feeling comfortable with my body and life. This is a bit of a twist compared to what she said about her experiences back a few weeks ago. I know this is not easy to come to terms with, hell I have been trying for 28 years now but my mind is made up and can only go on and not back.
On a lighter note. I am trying to convince myself now that I should not be feeling guilty about going out and buying makeup and clothes e.t.c. This still remains a problem, but am starting to window shop a little more and might have a different frame of mind once I return to work. I had this sudden burst of energy the other week but the spark quickly died out. Something that I am going to have to work on a little more.
Dats it for the mo'
xxx Katy xxx
On a lighter note. I am trying to convince myself now that I should not be feeling guilty about going out and buying makeup and clothes e.t.c. This still remains a problem, but am starting to window shop a little more and might have a different frame of mind once I return to work. I had this sudden burst of energy the other week but the spark quickly died out. Something that I am going to have to work on a little more.
Dats it for the mo'
xxx Katy xxx
Monday 10 March 2008
Ok birthday disaster out the way and on with a new week.
Reflecting back over the events though of my birthday, well can remember things going wrong on most occasions of my birthday and this year was no reason for change. My mate in his wisdom dropped his partner off to work just and called by to see me. He decided to kidnap me and take me to his place where I had to confront his deranged dog. Actually she is a lovely dog and missed her from when they lived up the road. It was quite cute as she would not leave me alone and gave me a big hug when I first met her. Oooo that was sooo nice.
Ok the day was spent drinking coffee and being subjected to my mates taste in music, which he thinks we should all enjoy. Hello like, we are all different. Ok, now living the nightmare of GID and diddly i doh music, Hmmm well what more could a girl ask for.
Eventually we had to drop his daughter off in town at her mum's Wooo time for escape. Oh let's have a look around town and have a coffee says he. 20 sumfink book shops later and no coffee. Made my excuses and came home. The afternoon was spent in usual puppy fashion of having a nap and had me bath, settled down in front of the telly and cracked open a few beers. Me mate phoned me around 5ish and said that he was heading into town later on for a few drinks. Little me was finking about a party, but no mention was made about me joining him. Sat there for the next 4 hours getting rather down and had a little cry. Ok this was the most disastrous birthday but would have been nice to have been asked for a drink. Phone rings, me mate says "where are you?" well it was dam obvious as he called me on me house phone. Duuuu. So, i perked up and got ready to venture out. Dressed as girly as possible without going ott like skirt and heels. Did me hair and looked nice. Ventured out and got halfway up the road hmmm the blooming heavens opened. I walked into the pub looking like a drowned rat. Feeling bad, was wished a happy birthday and kinda did the PMT snappy thing. Hmmm I was not an amused bunny by any means. The night drew on and more alcohol was consumed and found myself in a pub surrounded by a girl I had previously upset and her boyfriend who I had fears of meeting. Saying nuffin got by ok but was looking to loose a few teeth anyway (saves dentist bills.) We eventually moved on to a nightclub where I started about the shorts. Vodka always made me sick but after a few doubles seemed on top of the world. Now as far as I was aware, me mate had told his girlfriend about me being weird and started conversation about the subject, she was totally blown away and had known nothing abut it. OMG another one now knows, but seemed fine. Also had a heated debate with a guy at the door. I freaked him by saying that you do not know the half about me and my lad I could freak you if you did. :) that made me night.
Ok home. Rains, gets wet and singing in the rain. Typical :(
Just having a lazy(ish) day like normall, but finishing off me beers. These things have to be done.
For (hic hic) now xxxxxxx
Katy
Reflecting back over the events though of my birthday, well can remember things going wrong on most occasions of my birthday and this year was no reason for change. My mate in his wisdom dropped his partner off to work just and called by to see me. He decided to kidnap me and take me to his place where I had to confront his deranged dog. Actually she is a lovely dog and missed her from when they lived up the road. It was quite cute as she would not leave me alone and gave me a big hug when I first met her. Oooo that was sooo nice.
Ok the day was spent drinking coffee and being subjected to my mates taste in music, which he thinks we should all enjoy. Hello like, we are all different. Ok, now living the nightmare of GID and diddly i doh music, Hmmm well what more could a girl ask for.
Eventually we had to drop his daughter off in town at her mum's Wooo time for escape. Oh let's have a look around town and have a coffee says he. 20 sumfink book shops later and no coffee. Made my excuses and came home. The afternoon was spent in usual puppy fashion of having a nap and had me bath, settled down in front of the telly and cracked open a few beers. Me mate phoned me around 5ish and said that he was heading into town later on for a few drinks. Little me was finking about a party, but no mention was made about me joining him. Sat there for the next 4 hours getting rather down and had a little cry. Ok this was the most disastrous birthday but would have been nice to have been asked for a drink. Phone rings, me mate says "where are you?" well it was dam obvious as he called me on me house phone. Duuuu. So, i perked up and got ready to venture out. Dressed as girly as possible without going ott like skirt and heels. Did me hair and looked nice. Ventured out and got halfway up the road hmmm the blooming heavens opened. I walked into the pub looking like a drowned rat. Feeling bad, was wished a happy birthday and kinda did the PMT snappy thing. Hmmm I was not an amused bunny by any means. The night drew on and more alcohol was consumed and found myself in a pub surrounded by a girl I had previously upset and her boyfriend who I had fears of meeting. Saying nuffin got by ok but was looking to loose a few teeth anyway (saves dentist bills.) We eventually moved on to a nightclub where I started about the shorts. Vodka always made me sick but after a few doubles seemed on top of the world. Now as far as I was aware, me mate had told his girlfriend about me being weird and started conversation about the subject, she was totally blown away and had known nothing abut it. OMG another one now knows, but seemed fine. Also had a heated debate with a guy at the door. I freaked him by saying that you do not know the half about me and my lad I could freak you if you did. :) that made me night.
Ok home. Rains, gets wet and singing in the rain. Typical :(
Just having a lazy(ish) day like normall, but finishing off me beers. These things have to be done.
For (hic hic) now xxxxxxx
Katy
Saturday 8 March 2008
It has been a mixed bag of events this week. As my previous post suggests, I spent the first part of the week in Drab mode. Not a good thing by my standards now. Thursday saw me on a drinking session, which I have also realized solves nothing. Friday sw me off out food shopping and while doing such, my local supermarket also carries a range of feminine products to which I am currently needing. I could not even draw myself to go near them. Hmmm going to have to get used to that one.
I feel some sense of being cut off from the world here as this is a small town and thins get back rather quick in many respects. I am on attempt No 2 to give up smoking and hope this time to succeed. While the prospects of changing my life now are exciting, there is still this element of doubt in the back of my mind which pops out from time to time and bites me in the face. I am undeterred but still feel in limbo as nothing seems to be happening. I now need to get me own place where I can go about my daily life as Katy. Being restricted to the one room here is not my idea of fun. Have found that however the supportive words from my friends here is masked by this false sense of taking the piss. Again I echo the words of the past and wish that this could all come right somehow.
Having taken the stance of having private consultations, I have discovered that there are some that I am chatting to who seemed to think that I would return to the UK and try on the NHS. The misery of that dam country still bares the scars that I carry, but seem to have no choice in returning for consultations.
I am now looking into FFS which is something that I thought I would not need, but seems now that to get this balance right will be a considered option.
With each day that passes, is one day less that I have to wait to get back to work and one day less that I have to spend in this house. As much as I love the place, just feel now is the time to move on with my life.
It is not as if I am running away now, but merely moving forward. Hey come on, I ran away from the UK, and was most certainly to my benefit.
Away from all of this for a bit, but last night or early this morning, I heard a crowd of drunken yobs fighting out in the street. This kind of got me to thinking about my transition and how dangerous it could be. But as long as I can do the day to day things in life, I should be OK. I have never been the type to go clubbing but sometimes get the urge. But what is the point of life if you are going to live in solitude. I have noticed that a lot of post op girls I speak to seem to be secluded in their lives, and not showing on the surface but deep down has regrets over their operations.
Ok I might be the same, but am having regrets and hate rid of my body at the moment.
Right, think I have said enuff for the mo'
Oh and me birffday tomorrow, not really a time to be celebrating but merely reflecting on the hardships of life.
xxxx Katy xxxx
I feel some sense of being cut off from the world here as this is a small town and thins get back rather quick in many respects. I am on attempt No 2 to give up smoking and hope this time to succeed. While the prospects of changing my life now are exciting, there is still this element of doubt in the back of my mind which pops out from time to time and bites me in the face. I am undeterred but still feel in limbo as nothing seems to be happening. I now need to get me own place where I can go about my daily life as Katy. Being restricted to the one room here is not my idea of fun. Have found that however the supportive words from my friends here is masked by this false sense of taking the piss. Again I echo the words of the past and wish that this could all come right somehow.
Having taken the stance of having private consultations, I have discovered that there are some that I am chatting to who seemed to think that I would return to the UK and try on the NHS. The misery of that dam country still bares the scars that I carry, but seem to have no choice in returning for consultations.
I am now looking into FFS which is something that I thought I would not need, but seems now that to get this balance right will be a considered option.
With each day that passes, is one day less that I have to wait to get back to work and one day less that I have to spend in this house. As much as I love the place, just feel now is the time to move on with my life.
It is not as if I am running away now, but merely moving forward. Hey come on, I ran away from the UK, and was most certainly to my benefit.
Away from all of this for a bit, but last night or early this morning, I heard a crowd of drunken yobs fighting out in the street. This kind of got me to thinking about my transition and how dangerous it could be. But as long as I can do the day to day things in life, I should be OK. I have never been the type to go clubbing but sometimes get the urge. But what is the point of life if you are going to live in solitude. I have noticed that a lot of post op girls I speak to seem to be secluded in their lives, and not showing on the surface but deep down has regrets over their operations.
Ok I might be the same, but am having regrets and hate rid of my body at the moment.
Right, think I have said enuff for the mo'
Oh and me birffday tomorrow, not really a time to be celebrating but merely reflecting on the hardships of life.
xxxx Katy xxxx
Wednesday 5 March 2008
The last few days has been spent in drab mode. God now I know why it is called that. I have now developed a sense of pride and taking care of myself is of the up most priority. I am getting the distinct impression that my friends are thinking that I am doing this for th attention. God only if they knew what I have gone through in my little life so far. Although I think it is hard for them to come to terms with the fact that I am going to change my whole life to become female. I have spent 28years trying to understand myself and cannot expect them to understand me in 5 mins.
It has been a while since I put on a skirt, but have just done it and the sense of wellbeing is boosted even more. Going off tomorrow shopping for a new pair of black heels or see what the budget can stretch to in the way of some boots or shoes. Also going to but some makeup from a fellow angel. Seems that She can do a fairly good deal on things and as I have limited experience in that dept appreciate all the help I can get.
Have drawn a stalemate with regards to an opinion from my GP and will be in contact with a Dr in Dublin that specializes in GID diagnosis.
I feel more stable now with my condition more so now than any point within my life. The chat forums are helping too, to speak to like minded girls is a great asset. However, I feel that I am glued to the computer more so now and reliant on This world, community that we all share. This is not helping me with the real issues in life and am going to get out and about a little more, especially now the weather is coming good.
I a still waiting for my moment to step out through the door and introduce the world to The girl that I really am. Hmmm but still got a lot of working to do to perfect my image.
So things are looking promising and hope to get the result I am looking foe tomorrow. I can tell you now that the initial call is going to be heart wrenchin got say the least
All for now xxx Katy xxx
It has been a while since I put on a skirt, but have just done it and the sense of wellbeing is boosted even more. Going off tomorrow shopping for a new pair of black heels or see what the budget can stretch to in the way of some boots or shoes. Also going to but some makeup from a fellow angel. Seems that She can do a fairly good deal on things and as I have limited experience in that dept appreciate all the help I can get.
Have drawn a stalemate with regards to an opinion from my GP and will be in contact with a Dr in Dublin that specializes in GID diagnosis.
I feel more stable now with my condition more so now than any point within my life. The chat forums are helping too, to speak to like minded girls is a great asset. However, I feel that I am glued to the computer more so now and reliant on This world, community that we all share. This is not helping me with the real issues in life and am going to get out and about a little more, especially now the weather is coming good.
I a still waiting for my moment to step out through the door and introduce the world to The girl that I really am. Hmmm but still got a lot of working to do to perfect my image.
So things are looking promising and hope to get the result I am looking foe tomorrow. I can tell you now that the initial call is going to be heart wrenchin got say the least
All for now xxx Katy xxx
Monday 3 March 2008
Now we have February out the way, it seems to be plan sailing from ere on out. Ok, well not completely but the last 2 months have to be the worst ever on record.
Most of this blog so far covers my day to day activities and thoughts, through the lows and highs. Having done a lot of research into GID, I have more of an awareness of exactly what is happening to me. OMG some scary stuff at that, but it is not deterring me from my mission to correct the parts that were given to me without my consent. Hey sounds like car insurance. My god, i was put together by a wannabe car insurance broker.
Ok, my understanding so far is that I am a female trapped within the body of the opposite sex. Yup (ticks box)
I have spent most of my life in isolation and denial. Yup
I have been conscious of this. Yup
I have had the urge to dress en femme. Yup
I hate the bits below I was born with. Hmmmm yup definitely.
Ok, so those boxes are checked and have been thought over for a good number of years.
Now I have actually decided to something about this and go through the process of changing my gender. But seems that with all this information and Admitting to myself and talking to friends about this. I am totally nervous of talking to my shrink whom I have to see within the next few months.
Ok, so over the coming weeks, we are going to work on this. I am proud now of who I am and feel somewhat a sense of achievement of where I have got to so far.
I feel that with what I am about to go through with SRS is not for the fain hearted, after all this could all go wrong and could be writing a ticket for me to push up the daisy's.
Hmmm hopefully not anyway.
As of late, I have started to connect again of where I was when i was a teenager. Even down to loosing weight and getting fit. My 20's have past and want to forget the whole experience of the bad times there. Cannot think of much in the way of good to say the least.
I have moved on and am in a new country. I have become known to a lot here, but also brought this ambiance of being different. Something that over the last few weeks has been lost and my true femme self is starting to shine through again.
Having decided to live now on my own, I feel set about my transition an that it can take place within the town. After all there are soo many different cultures here who is going to notice a TS. Well if they do, the tough shyte as i am proud of who I am. Did I not mention that just now. After all, being TS is not something that I chose, but merely have had to cope with all my known life.
I am using my time at the mo' to get into the femme routine, which involves lightening up the body, being relaxed and walking like a ballerina, but also stiffening up the posture to keep the back straight and head up. I have never felt better. I cannot understand how blokes can be so slubbern and no wonder they complain of back problems.
Even down to bending, I have to get used to bending my knees. No good doing the expose thing when wearing a short skirt.
Now looking at the next step of makeup. hmmm going to be fun, but the practice seems so natural just something I have not yet had the chance to practice on.
For now xxxxxx
Most of this blog so far covers my day to day activities and thoughts, through the lows and highs. Having done a lot of research into GID, I have more of an awareness of exactly what is happening to me. OMG some scary stuff at that, but it is not deterring me from my mission to correct the parts that were given to me without my consent. Hey sounds like car insurance. My god, i was put together by a wannabe car insurance broker.
Ok, my understanding so far is that I am a female trapped within the body of the opposite sex. Yup (ticks box)
I have spent most of my life in isolation and denial. Yup
I have been conscious of this. Yup
I have had the urge to dress en femme. Yup
I hate the bits below I was born with. Hmmmm yup definitely.
Ok, so those boxes are checked and have been thought over for a good number of years.
Now I have actually decided to something about this and go through the process of changing my gender. But seems that with all this information and Admitting to myself and talking to friends about this. I am totally nervous of talking to my shrink whom I have to see within the next few months.
Ok, so over the coming weeks, we are going to work on this. I am proud now of who I am and feel somewhat a sense of achievement of where I have got to so far.
I feel that with what I am about to go through with SRS is not for the fain hearted, after all this could all go wrong and could be writing a ticket for me to push up the daisy's.
Hmmm hopefully not anyway.
As of late, I have started to connect again of where I was when i was a teenager. Even down to loosing weight and getting fit. My 20's have past and want to forget the whole experience of the bad times there. Cannot think of much in the way of good to say the least.
I have moved on and am in a new country. I have become known to a lot here, but also brought this ambiance of being different. Something that over the last few weeks has been lost and my true femme self is starting to shine through again.
Having decided to live now on my own, I feel set about my transition an that it can take place within the town. After all there are soo many different cultures here who is going to notice a TS. Well if they do, the tough shyte as i am proud of who I am. Did I not mention that just now. After all, being TS is not something that I chose, but merely have had to cope with all my known life.
I am using my time at the mo' to get into the femme routine, which involves lightening up the body, being relaxed and walking like a ballerina, but also stiffening up the posture to keep the back straight and head up. I have never felt better. I cannot understand how blokes can be so slubbern and no wonder they complain of back problems.
Even down to bending, I have to get used to bending my knees. No good doing the expose thing when wearing a short skirt.
Now looking at the next step of makeup. hmmm going to be fun, but the practice seems so natural just something I have not yet had the chance to practice on.
For now xxxxxx
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