Tomorrow is the day of all days, the long journey early in the morning and the treck across a city just to get the news that all my life I've been waiting for!
It is the treck to Dublin to see my gender psychologist and I have been feeling somewhat poor all day.
Not sure if it's nerves or what but the thought of going through this all agin, dragging up the painful past all seems too much for me to bare.
I've slept for most of the day barring going out when a friend called to me. That in itself was fortunate as the black thoughts that I have kept at bay were back wit a vengance.
I now find myself deeper and deeper questioning myself and the way forward.
Do I want to carry on or go back to the misery I have always known.
Something for a nice open discussion tomorrow I guess.
Friday 29 January 2010
Saturday 23 January 2010
Ch ch ch changes.....
I'm in play mode right now and have decided to make some changes to my blog. To give it a fresher more appaling look ;o)
Anyway as to life, well it was challenging yesterday as I walked up the road to get some shopping. I've become so unfit over the last year and was in a bath of sweat just thinking about the walk up the road and was completely shattered on the way home.
All I have been doing these past few months is sleeping and trying to get each day out of the way. Now though I have a multitude of challenges to get fit, loose weight and quit smoking before I start HRT which all have a meaning to get on with now.
xxx Mikki xxx
Anyway as to life, well it was challenging yesterday as I walked up the road to get some shopping. I've become so unfit over the last year and was in a bath of sweat just thinking about the walk up the road and was completely shattered on the way home.
All I have been doing these past few months is sleeping and trying to get each day out of the way. Now though I have a multitude of challenges to get fit, loose weight and quit smoking before I start HRT which all have a meaning to get on with now.
xxx Mikki xxx
Thursday 21 January 2010
Now things are flying :o)
It has been a landmark week so far for me. Something that I had only dreamed of as on Tuesday I got the news of my long awaited appointment to see the gender psychologist in Dublin which set me on a high but also yesterday saw a nice little payment due to me. For this I invested in a much needed laptop as fir over a year mine died and was running off my PDA which was great but had it's restrictions.
Even yesterday afternoon was brilliant as my power scource was not availible and headed into town to a local pub for charging the batteries on this little machine.
Ofcourse I indulged in a few pints of Guinness and knowing what could happen with my mind after taking alcohol, took my chances as I had this warm feeling on being able to deal with any situation.
Well I had a good time of is and had no morbid thoughts whatsoever. This morning I felt a little rough around the edges but have gotten over that now.
Anyway I have just over a week until my appointment in Dublin and cannot wait to get onto the next rung of the ladder :o)
xxx Micky
Even yesterday afternoon was brilliant as my power scource was not availible and headed into town to a local pub for charging the batteries on this little machine.
Ofcourse I indulged in a few pints of Guinness and knowing what could happen with my mind after taking alcohol, took my chances as I had this warm feeling on being able to deal with any situation.
Well I had a good time of is and had no morbid thoughts whatsoever. This morning I felt a little rough around the edges but have gotten over that now.
Anyway I have just over a week until my appointment in Dublin and cannot wait to get onto the next rung of the ladder :o)
xxx Micky
Tuesday 19 January 2010
Tears
I'm in a world of my own right now as piece by piece things fall into place.
Today has sparked a landmark event of my life as it was confirmed that i have am appointment to see the gender psychologist next week. Is this really happening to me and can i live my life after all?
The events of last year have colored my life forever and finally i can get on with accepting the changes i'm already making. It does though seem very un-real at the moment but sure it'll sink in.
Today has sparked a landmark event of my life as it was confirmed that i have am appointment to see the gender psychologist next week. Is this really happening to me and can i live my life after all?
The events of last year have colored my life forever and finally i can get on with accepting the changes i'm already making. It does though seem very un-real at the moment but sure it'll sink in.
Monday 18 January 2010
The conflict within still lingers on.
Troubled times have come & past but despite the harsh living conditions these past few weeks, I've been in good spirits & enjoying my new start to the year & the prospects that await me.
Still though the monster within still lurks, waiting for a chance to raise it's ugly head again & so far I've managed to keep it at bay but somehow, over the last few days I've felth that warmth of content drain once again leaving me with a sick sensation within.
I do however, have no notion of going back to the way things were last year but have also the knowledge that things in my life have changed & there is stuff I am unable to do & things I cannot partake in.
My life has been left a blank canvas, awaiting an artist to come along and start crafting the master-piece of my new world.
Since the start of this new year & new life, I've had to deal with harsh reminders of my mis-fortune throughout 2009 & memories have flooded back to me from the extreme situation of 2006, something I have rarely spoke about and will remain a chapter & verse of my trials & suffering that remains closed until such times I can deal with them.
Much rides on this year to get me kick-started back on to the road to recovery. The first is making contact with the psychologist I've been longing to contact.
In his recent letter, he was away for his christmas break until the 19th of this month which is tomorrow.
Hopefully now I can get the much deserved treatment I've so longed for in my life & move forward once again. But for today only I reman in limbo with no real emotional feelings what-so-ever.
Still though the monster within still lurks, waiting for a chance to raise it's ugly head again & so far I've managed to keep it at bay but somehow, over the last few days I've felth that warmth of content drain once again leaving me with a sick sensation within.
I do however, have no notion of going back to the way things were last year but have also the knowledge that things in my life have changed & there is stuff I am unable to do & things I cannot partake in.
My life has been left a blank canvas, awaiting an artist to come along and start crafting the master-piece of my new world.
Since the start of this new year & new life, I've had to deal with harsh reminders of my mis-fortune throughout 2009 & memories have flooded back to me from the extreme situation of 2006, something I have rarely spoke about and will remain a chapter & verse of my trials & suffering that remains closed until such times I can deal with them.
Much rides on this year to get me kick-started back on to the road to recovery. The first is making contact with the psychologist I've been longing to contact.
In his recent letter, he was away for his christmas break until the 19th of this month which is tomorrow.
Hopefully now I can get the much deserved treatment I've so longed for in my life & move forward once again. But for today only I reman in limbo with no real emotional feelings what-so-ever.
Sunday 10 January 2010
As the artic takes it's toll
For a country with normally higher rainfalls & milder temperatures, we have been hit hard by the artic conditions that have swept across the country.
Temperatures have fallen to -11°c which I had to brave as my heating system froze. It was a challenge but made it and have now a system in place of thawing my gas by means of running the car with the blowers on.
This weather has certainly proved useful to some of my old jackets I used to wear in my past existance as every attempt to secure warmth is priority.
Even the animals find it difficult with the deer heading to populated areas searching for food.
My beloved cattle too have been finding it tough as the field is mainly ice & frozen snow. Ok they get fed well, infact better than me sometimes as travelling out is difficult.
Even with the sub-zero conditions, I feel inside like a warm sun-drenched beach as I continue to claw back my sanity from rock bottom as it was last year.
I feel content within and that is all that matters.
I'm not going over old ground trying to find solutions but getting on with a new life. But deep down in my heart I wonder if this is true as I dreamed so long and so hard of one day waking with all male traces gone.
If it is but a dream, then I shall enjoy it as long as it lasts.
Still it must be reality a I have made applications for a training courses & placements with all parties concerned knowing of my gender status.
All seems to be a step in the right direction :o)
Temperatures have fallen to -11°c which I had to brave as my heating system froze. It was a challenge but made it and have now a system in place of thawing my gas by means of running the car with the blowers on.
This weather has certainly proved useful to some of my old jackets I used to wear in my past existance as every attempt to secure warmth is priority.
Even the animals find it difficult with the deer heading to populated areas searching for food.
My beloved cattle too have been finding it tough as the field is mainly ice & frozen snow. Ok they get fed well, infact better than me sometimes as travelling out is difficult.
Even with the sub-zero conditions, I feel inside like a warm sun-drenched beach as I continue to claw back my sanity from rock bottom as it was last year.
I feel content within and that is all that matters.
I'm not going over old ground trying to find solutions but getting on with a new life. But deep down in my heart I wonder if this is true as I dreamed so long and so hard of one day waking with all male traces gone.
If it is but a dream, then I shall enjoy it as long as it lasts.
Still it must be reality a I have made applications for a training courses & placements with all parties concerned knowing of my gender status.
All seems to be a step in the right direction :o)
Wednesday 6 January 2010
After a bad start to the year....
New years celebrations didn't go exactly to plan as the past week have proven challenges beyond expectation.
Firstly the freezing conditions have taken their toll as temperatures plummit to -5°c on average of an evening. That crossed with being stuck without power & heating on the blink with gas bottles freezing all made my living conditions pretty bleak.
I felt quite rightly depressed at spending long cold nights snuggled under the duvet, but the sun shone yesterday as I restored power & started getting things back on track.
The power failiure was a result of frustrated cows nibbling the leads between my car & the van and a very flat car battery connected to the secondary point on the van gave me intermittent heating when there was a bit of power.
Still, all told I survived.
Yesterday after copious amounts of insulation tape I got up & running again and started about charging my lifelines to the outside world, phone & pda.
When I powered the phone I thought all credit had been used but was still able to use skype for calls to family & friends to let them know I was ok.
Well things got better on checking my balance & a concerned call to customer services, being told I had €50 free credit & that my plan had been updated with my internet to €9.99 per month as opposed to the €25 I had previously been paying.
All in all I'm one happy bunny as I have also got money coming to me for a heating allowance backdated to September last year.
Firstly the freezing conditions have taken their toll as temperatures plummit to -5°c on average of an evening. That crossed with being stuck without power & heating on the blink with gas bottles freezing all made my living conditions pretty bleak.
I felt quite rightly depressed at spending long cold nights snuggled under the duvet, but the sun shone yesterday as I restored power & started getting things back on track.
The power failiure was a result of frustrated cows nibbling the leads between my car & the van and a very flat car battery connected to the secondary point on the van gave me intermittent heating when there was a bit of power.
Still, all told I survived.
Yesterday after copious amounts of insulation tape I got up & running again and started about charging my lifelines to the outside world, phone & pda.
When I powered the phone I thought all credit had been used but was still able to use skype for calls to family & friends to let them know I was ok.
Well things got better on checking my balance & a concerned call to customer services, being told I had €50 free credit & that my plan had been updated with my internet to €9.99 per month as opposed to the €25 I had previously been paying.
All in all I'm one happy bunny as I have also got money coming to me for a heating allowance backdated to September last year.
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