Moving on to more solid ground

The events that have taken place over the last few days got me thinking indirectly at where this is all going. My aim is to correct the wrong-doings of what nature dealt me yet I could only see a revolving door that had me between the hospital, psychiatrist, medication and feeling sorry for myself. Now compared to 6 months ago I would have been quite willing to lye down and give up but now the fire is raging inside to beat this, to build a life worthy of living and.... well the rest is un-written.

So in the face of thoughts I go using every last rescource I have ever known of dealing with gender issues and turned my train of thought into somewhat a more positive stance.
I wouldn't expect the average "Joe Public" to understand this as they see it very hard to often look beyond their noses, well why should they hey?
Looking at the effects and time of hormones gave me a big boost of confidence and the stories that emerge with the on-line forums of girls at the final stage of their journey talking about dilating has me envious beyond knowing that one day I will be there too.

It is also a case of getting on with life, however much it hurts but making the best of the situation in hand as gender issues can take command and be the only thing in that persons life. Such issues have always been there and will remain for time to come, yet we dwell on them too much sometimes and life passes us by. In saying that these issues need to be addressed but so does the daily chores of life.
I do find it somewhat amazing though how I have learned so much from my issues and now feel the need to rise above and build strength to move forward.

Anxiety & stress

From the word go this morning I knew it was going to be "one of those days" as nothing went right. Well it was "D" day today, spending an hour outside the welfare office to sign the unemployment register. Firstly I couldn't find my card which got me in a spin as I needed this for both signing and picking up my payment. So as you can imagine the stress levels were running pretty high at this point. Well I went none the less and stood in the queue waiting for the office to open. As I stood there I felt anxious and panic started running through my body. Not quite sure why, well loosing the card didn't help I suppose, but it felt like the whole world was closing in on me and there was nothing I could do about it.
The time seemed to drag on forever and my mate who dropped me off came across and noticed how distressed I was and said that he would wait for me just down the road.

Well after signing and having more problems put to me in the office concerning my benefits I felt a total wreck and just wanted to go home but my mate persuaded me to go with him to Tralee as he had a hospital appointment. Well I went with the cunning idea of booking myself back in to the psychiatric ward as enough was enough and I couldn't take this no more.

The unit where my mate had to go was at the back of the psychiatric ward and I sat there gazing in thinking about making my move to check in yet decided that it was not the best course of action.

Trying to keep positive

The last few days have been an awful blur to me as my thoughts spiralled out of cotrol and I started slipping into that deep crevis that for so many months has gotten to me. However I remain optimistic about life and transition and the hope it will improve my life.
It's kinda funny what has kept me afloat though and that was the thought of painting more pictures. Yep I have recently been bitten by the bug of art after completing my first painting in *uhem* well lets say a good while ;) It is something apart from my photography that I wanted to do since coming to Ireland but was drawn into the trap of self-confidence and the booze. I'm going to have to scan in some photos & pictures soon when I finally get my new lappy, heaven knows how I will manage with such a small generator and no 240v readily to hand but sure I'll find a way.

This whole journey has been a mixed bag of trials for me yet knowing with every down turn I get stronger and my will to come out on top shines through. Yet the darkest of times I feel help-less which drives my emotions into performing the horrible thoughts that rule me. I will fight to win the right to be my true self and even the daily battles just to exist that really get me down are worth it as I have wonderful friends whom are close to me and have tracked me on-line that I would not want to let down ;)

Boundries

With all the shite that I have been through the last 7 months, one of the worst was my therapy sessions. During theses sessions I broke down and poured my heart out to this guy who claimed he was there to help me, proud to be able to walk with me on my journey and my friend.
All this time what the guy was actually doing was pushing my back into a corner by imaginary boundries. Such issues I have been trying to fight against all my life and here I was being packed into another box and stowed away instead of spreading my wings and soaring like an eagle.
Of course it shattered my confidence totally and have been trying to deal with the issues of picking myself up since.
I have to be honest in saying that I find it very hard to trust people who claim to want to help due to thier lack of understanding towards gender issues.

To date I feel I have made much progress in dealing with the emotional, mental & psyical issues surrounding my condition however there is a big BUT! Again I seem to be falling foul to the thoughts of taking my own life, which I constantly fight on a daily basis. I feel failed by the medical profession and can see no immediate solution to solving the pain I have suffered for many years. Every day now that suffering gets more and more and these days I am just using all my energy to fight suicidal thoughts that I am half tempted to give into now. Why? Cause I'm dammed tired of trying and failing all the time.

Missing bits

I should be relaxed, happy and content since my move on Wednesday but sit here with something at the back of my mind which is consistantly giving me a painful jerk. What it is is that I feel uncomfortable with my body and bare without breasts. Sure I wear a padded bra but this is not remotely good enough and the prospects of wearing false breasts are just that FALSE.

Whilst I feel satisfied to a degree that things are finally changing for the better I hope, I still have this emptiness within that could trigger off another episode at any time

The road gets longer

When I started this blog and chose the title I guess I didn't realise what kind of journey I was going to have to this point. I guess recently over the past months that I've been so wrapped up in health issues with one thing and another, I kind if forgot the good points to transitioning and the purpose of it all.
Back in the days of being in hospital I kinda opened up and started to express myself more freely and then came the storm again up until very recent where I couldn't think about buying clothes or even face looking in at shop windows. Gradually I am picking up the pieces and re-building my dear shattered life. The funny thing is that with all this emotinal stuff that has been going on in my head recently the gender issues has virtually taken care of itself and with every knockback I become stronger and more determined.

When I started making plans to transition my whole intent was to let the course of time do its work, like growing my hair and eventually when I get onto HRT again it will be a painstaking process but time will produce results. And the theory behind my madness is that I have lived a false life to date so want these transformations to be as natural as possible.
I guess too that my approach to all of this is being met with respect from most people I get involved with mainly because they can see the true pain and suffering that I am going through plus I haven't really changed too much as yet. Again the big idea of letting time take its course.

The start of a brand new week

.............. and already I'm completely drained of energy *sigh*
It seems to be the norm these days of battling against the mind tends to drain a person of physical properties. Not good as I am in the midst of a fairly pysical job that I was hoping to get finished this week.

I have to be thankful that I'm still here, or so I'm consistantly told, anyway which ever way the pain and suffering continues daily.

Smile! It increases face value

Well this should be a happy time for me but right now I feel deeper in the depths of depression than ever. I was sat here thinking yesterday and what ever I thought turned into depression and suicidal thoughts. I've had enough of this battle to say the least.
Ok scrub those last thoughts. :)

I'm going to add on to this post ;)
Even at my best I find it almighty hard to find it in myself to smile. It's just one of those things living with the feelings of being trapped within the wrong gender and everything that one does seems false.
Now things have started to move on a little from keeping "the big secret" to sharing your life, your biggest fears and your dreams all rolled into one with professionals in the medical circle.
The bubble burst for me in
January leaving me exposed, frightened& vulnerable or so I thought.
These days I seem to be battling to re-build my shattered life and although I seem to be tipping away it still hurts deep down.
I do have to confess that I am somewhat happier in life these days but by god when the black thoughts hit, they hit hard.
Now I am about to start another chapter in my long journey and into the unknown of what could either make or break me as the waggon rolls away from my house of horrors yet what I still regard as my safety zone. Still given time and building trust with people I could be back close by shortly. Ok being evicted has taken its toll on me recently and I'm kinda bitter the way it has been done yet as said it is the opportunity to move on which honestly scares me to hell.

The late nite club

Here I am, led awake with nothing in patricular on my mind. It's funny though how things this year have gone from bad to worse and seems like I have had to start to walk all over again.
Well now at least I'm coping better and have something to strive for and enjoying the ride now I have control again. Needless to say I'm not going to rule out any future problems that may be like I have already been through, but until that happens I'm
just going with the flow and will cross such bridges when I get there.

Just when it couldn't get any worse!

Things have been on the up & up recently but had a knockback yesterday (Friday) when I was given less than 2 weeks to find alternate accomodation. I guess the landlady has been having hassle off the neighbours complaining of the slightest little thing and had decided to sell the property.
Well I wasn't really shocked by this news as I had a feeling in my water for a few weeks now and was offered accomodation the other night by a good friend of mine just accross the green from where I am now.
The other option is to move down the road to another friends farm where I shall be roughing it in my motorhome. Well not really as I have lived in this since Febuary and is quite cosy to say the least. It's an option I am willing to discuss as I can help out on the farm that he has so it will work 2 ways. Ahh well at least I won't be on the streets like I was in 2006.

Why?

It seems this little 3 letter word has become the norm recently with mostly all aspects of my life.
The biggest why though is aimed at the constant horrible thoughts that I battle with all the time. Why can't these just go away? or why do I survive when all around me seems destined to fail?
Ok the latter of the 2 is pretty negative but was the attitude that I had at the beginning of the year. The trouble was that I was in unchartered waters after opening up to complete strangers about my condition which in turn set off the self-destruct mechanism within that I had always feared. The problem with GD is the self-inflicted hatred and fear of peoples reactions yet the people I have spoken with have actually been supportive, so why was I worried?
Ok I won't answer that as I will leave it to the imagination ;)

Ok on a lighter note today came another why? and in the process the good honourable Kerry weather raged against me walking out town this morning. God I looked a mess but had a good sense of humour over it. It takes something as trivial as getting wet to highten my mood right now as there seems to be too much serious stuff to be concerned over.

Anyway I shall leave it at that for now as the glucose levels have taken a tumble plus I need to conquer some fears that I have got set into my mind about going into town.
Who said this was going to be plane sailing huh?

Tis been a while!

It's been a fair while since I have posted here, partly due to the death of the lappy (2005-2009 R.I.P)
Well the last 6-7months haven't really been a bundle of fun to say the least, and while I still continue the battle of a 90° vertical climb, lets say that there is a reason to fight on even if at times it seems too hard.