The hurt of saying goodbye.

This time of year for me in particular is one of reflection and a great deal of hurt as i remember loved ones that have passed on.
As christmas day came and went i looked back at all the things that have happened to me over the past year and what i have achieved. Least of all the pain I've endured as a result of my inherent condition that is now well on the road to getting sorted. I reflect though in a positive light as time still heals those emotional wounds that continue to heal. It's been a year of learning and adventure, of trials and suffering and more about the strength i'd taken for granted.
Now i look forward to a new decade and a new life as 2010 brings about change.
I also mourn the loss of the part of me that has been hiding the real person as my namesake as was Mike draws to be a memory. A memory of despair and suffering in a role that i could not handle. A person who tried to fit into society and did so pretty well under the circumstances. A person who has made me to who i am today. I can only look forward now to a whole new life just waiting to be discovered and a career that I've wanted for so long. It's not going to be easy by far but life was never that easy for me. We've just got to play the bad hand we've been dealt. Xxx

Goodbye my old friend!

On a frosty Christmas eve I sit here remanissing all the good times we had together, how you brought me to where I am now & the journeys we've encountered.
But now I must walk alone, start the adventure the way it should have been & blossom into that beautiful butterfly I'd been promised for so many years.
You were the only one who understood me, who embraced me & took me in your arms when I was low.
I shall miss you dearly my friend, but it's now time to let go.

Mikki James 2009

Have a wonderful Christmas all my dear followers xxx

The waking of a new day.

I'm still in shock this morning as I sit here looking out at the crisp clear winters morning. Christmas came somewhat early for me yesterday with a letter confirming my appointment to see the endocrinologist next year.
Although I have to wait 6 months for this appointment, it's a step in the right direction.
Suddenly life has it's meaning again as I plan to fill my time studying for a new career & hopefully time will pass without too much bother.
Everything is dropping into place nicely & I can't believe after 30 years of physical & mental suffering that it is actually possible for me to have thie life I have been denied.

I really feel at this moment in time that nothing could stand in the way of me & the elation that I feel right now.

xxx

Dampened spirits!

It wouldn't be long before something pissed on myn fire leaving me feel rotten.
Well that may be the case in the majority of my life yet even with the horrible wet weather, my dreaded cold that could see me hit fame on an X-factor audition for me very bad singing. I feel pretty good & don't know why & not even going to try & figure out, just embrace the feeling & hope it lasts.
Sat here listening to uplifting music is helping, yet all the trivial worries have seem to have left me for a while :o)

Shock!

The recent chain of events have been hitting home big time.
I feel somewhat numb over the fact that things are moving forward & dreams becomming reality.
On Wednesday last I attended a local support meeting, well local meaning an hours travel & overnight stop with a friend of mine, but it was worth it just for mebto get out & about plus clothes shopping on Thursday.
Now it seems that thoughts in my mind over my real self are somewhat automatically coming into practice in my everyday life again, yet I still find myself pushing boundries to meet my expectations. Still it shall hopefully be worth it in the long run.
This is difficult & draining in itself & leaves me tired most of the time but I'm getting back slowly to that level of normality I was at a few months ago.

An update.

I have been through the mill again recently with another serious attempt on my life resulting in more setbacks & hospital stays.
This time it was a big hit to my progress and still needs alot of work to rebuild what has been done.

The start of December brought news that my psychiatrist had finally made contact with the specialist I need to see and is pressing for funding to get me there.
This being another milestone & a step closer to my dream had no effect on me what-so-ever as I sat there being given the news. I can't integrate into society & walking down the road is hard enough for me right now.
I still get times where I feel that I would be better off dead but remain in hope that I can once again find that little glimmer of happiness I had a few months back.
My days now consist of medicating & sleeping as one of my tablets knocks me for six. I feel the need to be doped right now as time should heal a somewhat emotional wreck.

Update!

Nothing really exciting has happend recently except for a meeting today with my psychiatrist over my future & transition itself.
See I've been battling of late to see the relevant people to get me onto HRT & to move on with my life, & today was given the news that this is finally happening.
I should feel over the moon but I don't, I feel empty, hurt, emotional & fearful of my future with another dive into the unknown.
It seems that allnof the hatred of the past has caught up with me, the fear of moving on with a life that I've been denied for so long & the un-imaginable thoughts of being granted freedom for the future.
All this fear & thoughts has had it's toll on me & needless to say dark thoughts are running wild within. I expressed concerns at the time scale that I have to wait now for my appointments & follow up's to get my meds sorted. But in the back of my mind I really don't think it's going to be soon enough.

My fate rests in the hands of the medics

By lunchtime today I shall know what the future holds in store for me as I shall be speaking to my psychiatrist about starting HRT.
It seems there are many hurdles here in this country with even the self-medding route tied up so tight it's unreal. Even the Dr's who claim to deal with GD problems are impossible to contact so I'm calling for this to be sorted by my local medical team.
The options are therefore limited as to if they are prepared to help me or not & if the latter I don't know what to really.
I'm putting a brave face on matters both on-line & with friends but truth be known I scared stiff if I get refused as it will only be a manner of time before I become another statistic in the eyes of mental health failiures & wind up ending it all on a bang. See now I can control my bad dark thoughts but only in the knowing that something can be hopefully done. The pain worsens but I survive & if the rug is pulled so will my fight.

Much to my relief!

This weekend I should have been in the UK for a family reunion & much to my relief I made excuses to get out of it. I've been communicating with my family via skype & by god they're a bundle of laughs. 46 minutes with the phone to my ear & the most boring one-sided conversation with me doing all the talking & finally getting fed up & telling them before hanging up.
See the thing is they call me & say very little, well that's depressing in it's own way but thankfully these days little things like that don't pile up on me and get me down.

It has to be said though that this week things have gone from good to exceptional as the mood lifts back to somewhat a normal to high level & looking forward to a future of the unkown.
Why do I say unknown, because I haven't a clue what I want to do career wise & just enjoying the here & now. Even my transition is just ticking away at it's own pace with little thought barring natural day to day mundane things happening.
I always knew that there would be no miracle feeling of being my true self apart from the freedom from feeling trapped with the burden of my big secret. Now I honestly really don't care what people think of me, I just get on with it. There's no point in tryin to educate people who are too dim to understand, just cast them thoughts aside and do what's normal & then they get the picture ;-)

Big Brother's watching

As of late I fell into the trap of communicating on a regular basis with my family. Not too bad but some of the comments have been, well just say indirectly hurtful.
I was interrogated the other night by my brother & his wife about my condition & future plans. Well I had no real issues with that as I'm proud of myself to have got to this stage however the conversations that followed were somewhat bullying me into moving back to the UK where they seemingly would have control over my life again. I'm also being pressured into going to the UK this coming weekend as they are going to visit my mum, who also has given accross her fair share of hurtful comments. So I think I shall pasd on that.

But what I find amusing is the social networks I'm on enables contact pretty much all the time as I'm online all day every day & comments of "what are you doing" seemingly innocent but being nosey to my daily life ;-)

For the love of god!

I lost faith many years ago but with the company I keep crossed with the pure spirituality of the country I live in my faith had partially been restored, well until this week at least.
My on-going battle not just with GD but the health services lack of understanding was to see me ordering medication from the internet. Well you can imagine the horror when I found out that the internet company was unable to supply to the R.o.I, something about excise duty, customs & laws changing making these such companies liable.
Thoughts went streaming through my head & even a crazy notion of returning to the UK, but why should I? I mean I'm really settled here & even the stress of up rooting again and settling would leave me somewhat weaker than I already am.
So I decided that the ship was sinking and like any good captain I too would go down with the vessel.
I gave one last sos call to my community nurse & we met & chatted about my dire situation. She has vowed to try & help me & will be having a chat to my psychiatrist on Monday.
It has to be said that this is the last attempt I guess I will get at making more progress in my transition.

It all piles up.

Yes but it's only a word or a gesture, but it hurts like hell people denying their thoughts towards your feelings.
I'm on about family in particular. Oh and they seem so far wrapped up in themselves it's just too good to be true.
Well last night was "the straw that broke the camels back" for me with ever trusting my family. Being told constantly about the debts my mother was in after her partener left her emerged last night to be a load of lies. It seems that if she is not the center of attention then nobody else is allowed to suffer, basically she said in an indirect way that she doesn't care about me.
This comes amidst a very bad low for me, something I have to face for the rest of my living days & even the glorious weather is not having any effect on my mood, I just feel hollow & empty & now left feeling why should I carry on.

Me no understand

I know I'm not the most popular person within the "online" trans community, but that doesn't bother me as quite frankly I'm not really one of the lads.
What does bug me is the fact of people who get married, can't hack it at being a bloke anymore & expects their partners & families to understand. Total nonsense if you ask me. People who transition make a sacrifice to change what is wrong into what is natural & dragging hetrosexual parteners into potentially gay relationships in my eyes is just pure selfish.
Ofcourse there are those who adapt to such changes & there's nothing wrong in that but the attitude I've been following recently indicates total dominance of attention on the part of the one transitioning & that is what peeves me so much.

On the subject of moaning (must be due to the high testoserone levels still)
I find it distrubing too after a phone callmto my mother yesterday. You see over the past few months I've had the sob stories of how hard done by she is & how I should feel sorry for her. Recently is all about my brother & how wonderful it is to be in contact with him & his family. Now I'm being badgered to go to Scotland for Christmas with my brother, his family & my mother. What a good combination and the maybe's are now a solid no.
Why? because I can't stand my pompus brother nor his domineering wife & as for my mother, well she is just so inconsiderate. Only once she ever asked after me when I was ill. All the rest of the time was taken up with how she could have attempted suicide when I was on that ultimate low & how she was left in debt. Like I really wanted to & still want to hear that Hmmmm NO.
I've actually decided to give familiy a wide birth for as long as it takes for them not to be selfish.
Am I condtradicting what I have just wrote, maybe I am but after so many years of hurt & lies I think I'm allowed.

Mentally sane, physically sick.

People who have dealt with me on a perso)nal level with my health issues never believed me when I stated that this condition I suffered effected me mentally, emotionally & physically. Well here goes round number * in the battle against GD.
What I've been experiencing over the last few days is once again part of the trauma that has blackened my past recently. The feelings of dizziness, nausia, rapid weight gain & loss, headaces, fatigue, anxiety, depression, stomach cramps, loss of concentration.
Yet now I can think straight & have built upon my self-worth, I can see why all this rolled into one with the added ingredient of low self-esteem, low self-confidence tipped me over the edge.
In saying this, yesterday I had a point where I felt like chucking the towell in, which lasted for a good few hours but thankfully owing to my strengths I've not done anything stupid.

It is so hard for people to understand why I did those foolish things of trying to end it all, but the answer so simple and always the same "I've had enough of the suffering."

Yet what seemed to be a challenge of the mind has become the mundane for me and expecting nothing great in the feelings department, I've been rewarded in my own little way.
That is what keeps me fighting, this is the hope that I was clinging onto for all those years.
Yet even when the medics realise that all this is not a mere fantasy in my mind, then & only then will I finally be free of this whole burden of proving a point that need not be proved, but only for the lack of understanding, the pure ignorance that such a condition could cease to exist.

I'm supposed to be a male with a fantasy to become female, a person suffering a mental illness yet all those months my psychiatrist tried me on the "anti" tabletsI, my body wasn't having it.
So now we have to present once again with the pysical symptoms, be assessed for stability of mind & judgement made to weather or not I'm putting this on.

Feeling betrayed!

Something has been bugging me all night & having logged into my facebook account proved me suspicions. For once this is not a personal feeling but the betrayal from people who are so selfish that they shout from a great height to raise awareness but only as a means to fill their own needs.
Things in this country are a little behind the times to say the least and when you actually find someone making an effort to try & help the cause of Gender Dysphoria, sure as a person with the same issues would love to correspond & try to help out. Ooo no, not in the case of this person, no sir. This person has fullfilled their own needs & fek the rest, don't want to know you kinda stuff, which is attitudes I've dealt with for so many years & not dealing with anymore. See the downfalls of me life have been transferred into strengths & therefore now I gain momentum to move the show forwards & on. I do have genuine concerns about people which is why I'm looking to help those in need aswell as helpng myself, and which is why I'm going to new levels to try & change what needs to be changed.
It's funny though in hindsight as I have only been saying recently about my inspirations to the stuff I do in the avenue of photography comming only from myself. You see if it comes from the heart then it means more than copying someone else.

Well I'm in the mood to talk and talk I will, with the typical "take what you see" attitude. I've been so long in trying to be a person I'm not & little time being my true self, which in my eyes is what transition is all about.

Things that happen automatically

Last year there I was making discoveries about myself & what it would take to make my life complete & here I sit with things actually happening. I find it amazing how stuff that was only a mere mind-thought is happening to me and yet the dark thoughts that came to light & dominated my life so much this year have been scary yet interesting to reflect upon and realise that this is meant to be for me. It's as if I now have no control over my destiny yet each and every event from the mundane to the exciting is grasped & treasured so much as I've a better understanding on how precious life is.

One thing that makes me smile is that also last year I mentioned about looking for my farmer & here I am now hearding cattle & living that dream all minus the man that I can cuddle up to. But still theres time for that too.

All in all things are going well & should soon be onto the next phase of transition by starting HRT.
I'm so content though at the moment of no real un-due comments and more acceptance & joy over my transition & me being happy that life really has panned out well & HRT is the icing on the cake.

I guess though I still need to keep sharp & focused as the dark thoughts are still there lurking & waiting for their chance to control me again so each & every day I pray for thanks that I have made it through the day.
Having battled so hard I know how controlling such thoughts are & how I automatically reacted to them. Fingers crossed hey ;-)

The latest photo of me

Shame I haven't learned how to smile yet

Moving on

After what has been somewhat of a traumatic 2 weeks, I've now started to get my head around what the next stage of my transition.
Last Monday I had a chat with my psychiatrist before being discharged from hospital again & it seems my banging on about gender issues has finally sunk in with her. I'm now being given a referral to see a Dr who can hopefully wite me up for HRT & finally get going on the next stage of my venture. It's not before time too yet looking back on the issues that have dominated my life this year, I can see the positives outweigh the negatives & have gained more personal acceptance than I had realised.
Still each day is hard for me and seems lIke groundhog day over & over again with the battle against nature's mis-giving towards me.

I've come to realise that although the fight continues that next year it should start getting easier when I start IPL & eliminating the masculine features that have for so long cast a shadow upon my life.
Still looking back & continuously battling against suicidal thoughts I am winning slowly but still wish now that I could have ended it all back then. I kinda know in my heart that there lies a bigger challenge ahead yet something I have started to conquer.

I've had it!

Looking back at my recent posts and the way life is panning out for me, it once again seems 3 steps forward and 10 back and I really can't carry on with this anymore!
I spoke to my community nurse just now and have to call her tomorrow before I make my visitbto Tralee hospital to arrange an appointment & see how I'm feeling. Well it's going to be the same as it is today and going to go the same as it did before with the health professionals aka shove me on anti-depressants and fuck the Gender issues as they haven't a clue.

Even my mate said to me last night that he has pepared himself to find me one day dead as he can see my suffering with nothing being done by my so-called fucking medical team.

Didn't see this coming!

I was going to post here earlier and got dragged away in the middle, which subsequently I lost the post.
Well the last few days have been remarkable as I gained more & more confidence to present myself to the world as my true feminine self and even talking about my transition to others. All was looking good until today. So what changed? Nothing in my eyes, I still meet the world with the same enthusiasm and more so now as I'm on the trail of ministers & health chiefs to recognise and deal with the condition that burdens so many like myself. Yep I have a voice and prepared to use it.

Well today I felt drained of energy but nothing is new there as this is a regular thing with me these days. But I can't explain what has caused me to feel this low, shaking inside & would be the time I would overdose. No worries on that last statement as I have too much to live for now, but feel that I am in a state to present myself to hospital to let them evaluate me. I'm not depressed but feel that once again that my system is being poisoned by this thing "Testoserone" that my body is producing.

The funny thing is that I was talking to my community nurse today and made the same statements that I made 9 months ago when I was at my lowest.
Well the reason behind me going back to cell block H is 'cause they are the experts in health care and I have no clue what my own body is doing. Yeah right! try reversal and that might be somewhere near.

Will have to phone my community nurse again tomorrow & tell her how I feel, saying once again that this can't carry on.

I'm really at that stage now where I feel self-medding on HRT the only option.

Progress

I've been thinking recently about how I have progressed even over the last few days and how with each day I gradually get stronger. Well to think about those dark times and the distress I caused people still sends shivers down my spine.
It's been an eventful week yet was set-back mid week after trying to sort out my money which brought on a panic attack. Yep I'm still pretty vulnerable but my strength and will to fight on couteracts that so such occurances are few and far between these days. It's stil scary though that when I hit a low I have no control over what I do.

On a slighly different note, it's now a month since I was told that I was to become homeless and just over 3 weeks since I moved out. Well all I can say is that being homeless has taught me a great deal about life and what we take for granted especially when you have to fetch and carry water to clean yourself. I'm still under the trees in my mates field and happy out at that but can't see myself moving any time soon due to cut-backs in the rent allowance meaning I could only share a place again and don't really want that. It's also interesting to put to use the stuff I bought 3 years ago when I first purchased the van.
Anyway we shall cross bridges as and when they arise but until then just getting back on track.

Total shutdown

After the seemingly madness of being out of bed and working this morning I had the rest of the day to myself.
So in true fashion I slept a bit and did some laundry (primative style)...... Ok I confess I don't have the comfort these days of a washing machine yet seem to manage quite well. I also started on a painting and blanked out one that had previosly gone wrong.
My mind is wandering freely like the breeze fluttering the trees outside and I can say I'm completely relaxed although there are a few things niggling in the back of my mind but can safely say that these aren't going to spoil my weekend.

I would never have thought that this black hole I was in would ever end yet the road to recovery is seemnigly on auto-pilot right now and to be honest the last thing on my mind right now are the issues that for so long have dominated my life bringing it to a stand-still.

Physical drain :(

There was a time that I was so full of energy it was unreal. Nowadays I spend most of my energy battling on the best way I can. Although black thoughts are few and far between now I stil have to cope with every waking hour being constantly reminded of natures mis-givings.

I had been doing some work for a friend and was making good headway until I got into this recent lull and today all I could do is watch which was really degrading for me.

The upside is that my attitude has got alot better even this week as to life and have reflected on when I was low not realising how bad I really was. It's still a long climb back so just needing to rest a while now I'm on more stable ground.

My little cows

These little fellas have been my saviour over the last week. It's so funny to watch them playing around yet this is the closest they have been to me yet

Conflict of mind.

Although I am trying to keep positive the cycle of thoughts from my emotional feelings early this morning are running high now. I feel somewhat vague in myself and my life to date and trying to fight these thoughts once again is hard. All I can say is that my mind is on an ultra-low and getting visions again of suicide.
This is really pissing me off now and suppose if I acted upon such thoughts that I would be no longer suffering within this twisted world.
Still the upside is that I tried many times before and failed :(

It's not all cut & dried

I'm kinda glad that I never mentioned yesterday about my good intentions as once again it failed. I have been left feeling disappointed by these efforts yet not seeing any such challenges as a failiure just merely a setback of not being ready.

Well what happened left me feeling emotinal in many ways as I sat outside talking to my mum and sister-in-law on yahoo messenger and couldn't help feeling for my mum as she is now in regular contact with her grandchildren from Scotland. These are somewhat different emotions compared to what had been going through my mind as of late with selfish thoughts of self-harming. Nope it has not crossed my mind one bit and can now safely say that I am free of any medication that was ever prescribed for my mood. It's not really something I considered yet kinda happened through forgetfulness ;) and yet I must admit that I feel loads better off without the stuff.
I guess strength has been built beyond belief to be able to continue the fight back to this level and yet it still lurks in the back of my mind about wishing this could all be over and never again be burdened with gender issues. The wakeup call comes though that this is happening and I have no control over the situation so has to deal with it accordingly. Hopefully this change to my life will make me happy in the end.

On another note, my train of thought yesterday evening was a little unstable and had thoughts of going back drinking. It's the first time I had any such cravings for alcohol yet would not let into that temptation one bit.

Anyway, I'm going to try and get back to sleep.
xxx

Self-inflicted feelings

So the last few days have been chilling out & getting back into the pace of life yet I missed the feelings of being low & groggy.
Well not really yet yesterday I decided the time was right to try something that I knew would leave me feeling this way today. I have slept alot which isn't such a bad thing as I needed to catch up on my Zzzzzz's.
I felt dizzy & confused at times but was feeling that way on a regular basis & I have also had some strange dreams, again nothing new on that front. But the big plus is that my mind is focused to get onto HRT within the next few weeks and then move forwards. But before I start HRT I am buying a new laptop and will be making videos to go on youtube and linking here.

Ok so what is such the big deal. that has left me feeling this way?
Hmm I might keep you all guessing for the coming days :D

Moving on to more solid ground

The events that have taken place over the last few days got me thinking indirectly at where this is all going. My aim is to correct the wrong-doings of what nature dealt me yet I could only see a revolving door that had me between the hospital, psychiatrist, medication and feeling sorry for myself. Now compared to 6 months ago I would have been quite willing to lye down and give up but now the fire is raging inside to beat this, to build a life worthy of living and.... well the rest is un-written.

So in the face of thoughts I go using every last rescource I have ever known of dealing with gender issues and turned my train of thought into somewhat a more positive stance.
I wouldn't expect the average "Joe Public" to understand this as they see it very hard to often look beyond their noses, well why should they hey?
Looking at the effects and time of hormones gave me a big boost of confidence and the stories that emerge with the on-line forums of girls at the final stage of their journey talking about dilating has me envious beyond knowing that one day I will be there too.

It is also a case of getting on with life, however much it hurts but making the best of the situation in hand as gender issues can take command and be the only thing in that persons life. Such issues have always been there and will remain for time to come, yet we dwell on them too much sometimes and life passes us by. In saying that these issues need to be addressed but so does the daily chores of life.
I do find it somewhat amazing though how I have learned so much from my issues and now feel the need to rise above and build strength to move forward.

Anxiety & stress

From the word go this morning I knew it was going to be "one of those days" as nothing went right. Well it was "D" day today, spending an hour outside the welfare office to sign the unemployment register. Firstly I couldn't find my card which got me in a spin as I needed this for both signing and picking up my payment. So as you can imagine the stress levels were running pretty high at this point. Well I went none the less and stood in the queue waiting for the office to open. As I stood there I felt anxious and panic started running through my body. Not quite sure why, well loosing the card didn't help I suppose, but it felt like the whole world was closing in on me and there was nothing I could do about it.
The time seemed to drag on forever and my mate who dropped me off came across and noticed how distressed I was and said that he would wait for me just down the road.

Well after signing and having more problems put to me in the office concerning my benefits I felt a total wreck and just wanted to go home but my mate persuaded me to go with him to Tralee as he had a hospital appointment. Well I went with the cunning idea of booking myself back in to the psychiatric ward as enough was enough and I couldn't take this no more.

The unit where my mate had to go was at the back of the psychiatric ward and I sat there gazing in thinking about making my move to check in yet decided that it was not the best course of action.

Trying to keep positive

The last few days have been an awful blur to me as my thoughts spiralled out of cotrol and I started slipping into that deep crevis that for so many months has gotten to me. However I remain optimistic about life and transition and the hope it will improve my life.
It's kinda funny what has kept me afloat though and that was the thought of painting more pictures. Yep I have recently been bitten by the bug of art after completing my first painting in *uhem* well lets say a good while ;) It is something apart from my photography that I wanted to do since coming to Ireland but was drawn into the trap of self-confidence and the booze. I'm going to have to scan in some photos & pictures soon when I finally get my new lappy, heaven knows how I will manage with such a small generator and no 240v readily to hand but sure I'll find a way.

This whole journey has been a mixed bag of trials for me yet knowing with every down turn I get stronger and my will to come out on top shines through. Yet the darkest of times I feel help-less which drives my emotions into performing the horrible thoughts that rule me. I will fight to win the right to be my true self and even the daily battles just to exist that really get me down are worth it as I have wonderful friends whom are close to me and have tracked me on-line that I would not want to let down ;)

Boundries

With all the shite that I have been through the last 7 months, one of the worst was my therapy sessions. During theses sessions I broke down and poured my heart out to this guy who claimed he was there to help me, proud to be able to walk with me on my journey and my friend.
All this time what the guy was actually doing was pushing my back into a corner by imaginary boundries. Such issues I have been trying to fight against all my life and here I was being packed into another box and stowed away instead of spreading my wings and soaring like an eagle.
Of course it shattered my confidence totally and have been trying to deal with the issues of picking myself up since.
I have to be honest in saying that I find it very hard to trust people who claim to want to help due to thier lack of understanding towards gender issues.

To date I feel I have made much progress in dealing with the emotional, mental & psyical issues surrounding my condition however there is a big BUT! Again I seem to be falling foul to the thoughts of taking my own life, which I constantly fight on a daily basis. I feel failed by the medical profession and can see no immediate solution to solving the pain I have suffered for many years. Every day now that suffering gets more and more and these days I am just using all my energy to fight suicidal thoughts that I am half tempted to give into now. Why? Cause I'm dammed tired of trying and failing all the time.

Missing bits

I should be relaxed, happy and content since my move on Wednesday but sit here with something at the back of my mind which is consistantly giving me a painful jerk. What it is is that I feel uncomfortable with my body and bare without breasts. Sure I wear a padded bra but this is not remotely good enough and the prospects of wearing false breasts are just that FALSE.

Whilst I feel satisfied to a degree that things are finally changing for the better I hope, I still have this emptiness within that could trigger off another episode at any time

The road gets longer

When I started this blog and chose the title I guess I didn't realise what kind of journey I was going to have to this point. I guess recently over the past months that I've been so wrapped up in health issues with one thing and another, I kind if forgot the good points to transitioning and the purpose of it all.
Back in the days of being in hospital I kinda opened up and started to express myself more freely and then came the storm again up until very recent where I couldn't think about buying clothes or even face looking in at shop windows. Gradually I am picking up the pieces and re-building my dear shattered life. The funny thing is that with all this emotinal stuff that has been going on in my head recently the gender issues has virtually taken care of itself and with every knockback I become stronger and more determined.

When I started making plans to transition my whole intent was to let the course of time do its work, like growing my hair and eventually when I get onto HRT again it will be a painstaking process but time will produce results. And the theory behind my madness is that I have lived a false life to date so want these transformations to be as natural as possible.
I guess too that my approach to all of this is being met with respect from most people I get involved with mainly because they can see the true pain and suffering that I am going through plus I haven't really changed too much as yet. Again the big idea of letting time take its course.

The start of a brand new week

.............. and already I'm completely drained of energy *sigh*
It seems to be the norm these days of battling against the mind tends to drain a person of physical properties. Not good as I am in the midst of a fairly pysical job that I was hoping to get finished this week.

I have to be thankful that I'm still here, or so I'm consistantly told, anyway which ever way the pain and suffering continues daily.

Smile! It increases face value

Well this should be a happy time for me but right now I feel deeper in the depths of depression than ever. I was sat here thinking yesterday and what ever I thought turned into depression and suicidal thoughts. I've had enough of this battle to say the least.
Ok scrub those last thoughts. :)

I'm going to add on to this post ;)
Even at my best I find it almighty hard to find it in myself to smile. It's just one of those things living with the feelings of being trapped within the wrong gender and everything that one does seems false.
Now things have started to move on a little from keeping "the big secret" to sharing your life, your biggest fears and your dreams all rolled into one with professionals in the medical circle.
The bubble burst for me in
January leaving me exposed, frightened& vulnerable or so I thought.
These days I seem to be battling to re-build my shattered life and although I seem to be tipping away it still hurts deep down.
I do have to confess that I am somewhat happier in life these days but by god when the black thoughts hit, they hit hard.
Now I am about to start another chapter in my long journey and into the unknown of what could either make or break me as the waggon rolls away from my house of horrors yet what I still regard as my safety zone. Still given time and building trust with people I could be back close by shortly. Ok being evicted has taken its toll on me recently and I'm kinda bitter the way it has been done yet as said it is the opportunity to move on which honestly scares me to hell.

The late nite club

Here I am, led awake with nothing in patricular on my mind. It's funny though how things this year have gone from bad to worse and seems like I have had to start to walk all over again.
Well now at least I'm coping better and have something to strive for and enjoying the ride now I have control again. Needless to say I'm not going to rule out any future problems that may be like I have already been through, but until that happens I'm
just going with the flow and will cross such bridges when I get there.

Just when it couldn't get any worse!

Things have been on the up & up recently but had a knockback yesterday (Friday) when I was given less than 2 weeks to find alternate accomodation. I guess the landlady has been having hassle off the neighbours complaining of the slightest little thing and had decided to sell the property.
Well I wasn't really shocked by this news as I had a feeling in my water for a few weeks now and was offered accomodation the other night by a good friend of mine just accross the green from where I am now.
The other option is to move down the road to another friends farm where I shall be roughing it in my motorhome. Well not really as I have lived in this since Febuary and is quite cosy to say the least. It's an option I am willing to discuss as I can help out on the farm that he has so it will work 2 ways. Ahh well at least I won't be on the streets like I was in 2006.

Why?

It seems this little 3 letter word has become the norm recently with mostly all aspects of my life.
The biggest why though is aimed at the constant horrible thoughts that I battle with all the time. Why can't these just go away? or why do I survive when all around me seems destined to fail?
Ok the latter of the 2 is pretty negative but was the attitude that I had at the beginning of the year. The trouble was that I was in unchartered waters after opening up to complete strangers about my condition which in turn set off the self-destruct mechanism within that I had always feared. The problem with GD is the self-inflicted hatred and fear of peoples reactions yet the people I have spoken with have actually been supportive, so why was I worried?
Ok I won't answer that as I will leave it to the imagination ;)

Ok on a lighter note today came another why? and in the process the good honourable Kerry weather raged against me walking out town this morning. God I looked a mess but had a good sense of humour over it. It takes something as trivial as getting wet to highten my mood right now as there seems to be too much serious stuff to be concerned over.

Anyway I shall leave it at that for now as the glucose levels have taken a tumble plus I need to conquer some fears that I have got set into my mind about going into town.
Who said this was going to be plane sailing huh?

Tis been a while!

It's been a fair while since I have posted here, partly due to the death of the lappy (2005-2009 R.I.P)
Well the last 6-7months haven't really been a bundle of fun to say the least, and while I still continue the battle of a 90° vertical climb, lets say that there is a reason to fight on even if at times it seems too hard.

Test

See if this\works