A jungle no more

Busy little me has been doing some weeding today out the back :)
Slowly getting to grips with this country life is good and have been reflecting my past back in the UK. It makes me shudder to think on what I had to put up with back there and the copious amounts of junk that I never had the heart to get rid of. Now it is minimal stuff and loving it at that. I still have a vast amount of stuff to sort out here but getting there slowly and now on the last load of washing before I start to iron it all tomorrow evening and Sunday morning.

I am away again on Monday and will be sad to wave goodbye to home which is something I never thought i would be saying, but need to make some money for the winter and have hopefully got a job in the local store but have decided that I need to prioritise my transition first. Most of the locals know about my situation and why I moved here and seem cool but still get all the questions put to me and am happy to answer the best I can. At least they know that I am not some kind of pervert and it seems I have been accepted reasonably well here unlike the bustling town of Killarney.

Domesticated Katy

My attention was drawn today to the reasons surrounding my current situation of desire to change genders. This was during a therapy session for my recent stupidity of trying to kill myself.
Ok when put on the spot it makes you think about the whole situation and what I am really all about. The fact that I have a female mind is bad enough but points were raised about having children and other such issues. Ok so that can never happen apart from if I adopt and there are the other side of things that females have o go through that I will never have the experience of.
In conclusion we have discovered that there is a lot more to this that has been eating me up but the full extent might never be known.

It is nice though that we have come onto this subject that for 28 years now I have suffered in silence with. I spoke of my emotions growing up and realizing that I was different to everybody else nd the trouble I had trying to do those "boyish" tasks that were expected of me in younger years.

Since getting back I have been sorting out the cottage by doing washing and cleaning windows. Call it perks of the job but such tasks have to be done. Have the majority of the the rest of the place sorted and just now working on the spare bedroom and my bedroom to get it just so to the way I want it to be .

Mighty craic

I have been down the local again tongiht to see what they are thinking about a weird person living in their village + I have a drink problem :D

Ok it was mighty there and laughed all the way to the bank. They have accepted me and the changes I am making (or at least most) But that is enough.

Next concerns: Kerry beating Cork this weekend. :D

Another big blow

I know this is a bit late but have spent the day thinking :)
As a plastic paddy and now settled amongst a wonderful community that appreciates the local sports, i have come to grow quite fond of the Gaelic football. Never really like football much when I was in England but this is different. Lots of sweaty guys, harsh, rough and very fast and skilled and also doing it for the love as very few are paid.
Well that is the basic insight but over the weekend we had the semi-finals of the all Ireland between Kerry & Cork the 2 neighbouring counties in the Munster province. Well this is a grudge match to say the least and last year the 2 teams met in the finals in Dublin to which "my" county of Kerry walked the match.
Well again the semi's were played last Sunday and the 2 teams drew, so now we have to endure this all over again this weekend.


The Green & Gold flags are flying all around the place and I am confident to the fact that I have doubled a bet with an ex-colleague evidently from Cork ;)

Well I suppose that I better get into good spirits and get some drinking practice in before hand this time :D

I cannot belive it

With everything that has gone on recently everything has just dropped into place. I ave spoken to a few locals over the last few days and it seems that the village is so friendly and could not give a stuff over my issues. I have found paradise and all that goes with it.
There are other bonuses that I could be in-line for a few part-time jobs which should keep me going through the winter and on into my transition. However these are not in the local village but very close by.
For the first time in my life I feel I have "true" friends right now and not people who want to use me, abuse me and dump me when things go sour.

I have decided for now at least to step back a little from TS related organizations and just float along with what life has to offer as this has so dominated my life over the last 8 months and now need an even keel to look towards if I am going to make it in this life.

Being in the middle

A nice relaxing Sunday morning was shattered by a call for me to work. Ahh but I didn't mind as I was only local and broke the day up. I have been sat here doing the inevitable thinking exercises and can now put all the little pieces together and see how the whole shot looks. For me is about being a middle aged female, working hopefully within the local community store and living life as a female should. Well I am pretty much doing that right now as I have come to acceptance of my true self and got over those questions that blackened my vision up until very recently.
It would be nice to settle down and get married but not hoping too much on that as I don't think there would be many men out there that would want to settle with a girl that had that same status, but there again I might be pleasantly shocked.

Although I have not yet reached the stage where I can start HRT this is the time I need to relfect on the road ahead and not stopping to look back over my shoulder at the past as I have done too much of that rcently. I am expressing myself more in the literal sense and am working now how to base this character that primarily has been me throughout my life.

I have also taken a step back from angels too but keep popping by there to see what is what and lend words of support when I can. This is now about getting used to my female role as much as I can before it actually takes off in November.

Until then xxx Hugs xxx

Katy

The dust has settled and after a few days of relaxing I am enjoying the peace and tranquility of being myself at last again and once more. Things have become different for me now as the journey of my life steps up a gear and I progress towards my new life. However there are setbacks that I have come to endure but nothing that cannot be handled.
Now that life is moving on and me with it, I appreciate the simple things and have come to realize after the dark days of depression that I am still the same person, the same emotions but significantly different and more confident and determined to get what I have been seeking for so long. But in truth for me is not about parading around in a frock and putting on copious amounts of makeup it is about being happy with life an content with the way I am.

My own piece of paradise

Yesterday saw me part with a load of hard borrowed cash in exchange for the keys to my new home. I can finally gain a little more confidence now and hope things can now get under way as to my next part of the journey of my life. I feel so relaxed and comments have been made last night on how happy I ave become.
But even though I have the freedom to do what I want and wear what I want, I am happiest with me pair of jeans and a now grubby white T-shirt :( Ok I have had a lot of cleaning to do but is getting there slowly.

Here she goes

It has been a sad few days here. Oooo not anything to do with what or how I am feeling but reflecting the thoughts of a town that changed my life. Today is the day that everything gets piled into the van and off to pastures new.
I went by the cottage yesterday and fell in love with it even more and just cannot wait to get there now. It's kinda strange how things work out as when I left the UK I thought I would never be having a place I could call home again.
So 4pm sees me get the keys and then a brisk walk back down the road to catch the bus to bring the final bits up and this is where it all begins for my whole transition. Kinda scary thinking about it like that but in short is the truth.

Hope that the internet is accessible up there too. I tried the phone and that seemed to work pretty well, ahh but sure we will sort something out.

xxxx

Well I have really done it now

Phone call from the bank today has confirmed now that I am moving this Friday. I phoned the estate agent shortly after and arranged to meet up and get the keys to my new home. I am so excited and cannot believe now that I can finally be myself in my own home. It is going to take a little time I know to settle in and adjust to my new life but have plenty of it right now.

The persuit for happiness

Up to now this blog has been all doom and gloom about the highs and lows of my journey so far.
i find it amazing how little things are there to lift you back to that pedestal when you fall off and how learning by your mistakes helps with the inner feelings. Right now I just cannot wait to start to live my life as Katy on a daily basis, cooking, cleaning and even going for a stroll. It has been a bigger battle than what many could imagine to get this far, turning dreams of despair into dreams of hope and to be able to come to terms with oneself about the changes that are going to effect their lives.
I have also found that other creative skills have been unlocked during this process too and what could once be a dream of doing something good has turned into reality.
Now I am ready to face the world but ust wait a little longer to do so, shich in all fairness doesn't really bother me. After 28 years of living with this, a few more weeks/months won't hurt.

Well better get ready for the crusade today as I am working at 8:30 and is now 7:20 and have to get the essentials for a day trip. Clothes, camera ooooo and am I forgetting something here. Ahh yes myself.

Byeeee for now. xxxxx

It's back down to earth

After months and possibly years of realizing that something of a social habit has become something of a major issue in my life I finally pulled in the rains and decided to do something about it.
Up to now my transition dreams have been just that. Although in 2006 I did something similar with loosing weight, this has inconclusively got to be the best thing that as ever happened to me.

Tuesday, low and suicidal.

Wednesday, survived an OD attempt and decided to break the ice and attend a TG meeting. Nearly backed out but got a call and thought FEK it. Enjoyed my time there and had mighty craic.


Thursday, same old same old. Hit the pub in the afternoon and drink till the early hours.

Friday. Wakes up, heart racing and thinks sod this I don't need this any more.

Since that day of waking on Friday, I have declined any intake of alcohol into my system. A need so greatly desired to mask and dronw all my sorrows and belive me I have a lot of them right now.
Last night I went off out to the pub and all I drank was J2O and lucozade. However I came home with the same feeling as if I have had 20 pints because I had fun and the atmosphere was good.
And now 3 days into not drinking, I feel better within myself, I am motivated to do stuff away from the house and I have the sense of pride to strut my stuff up the road and get the second glances from people worndering if I am really male or female. Well the dark shadow on the face gives that away, but not for much longer :)

It's a sorry old world

No I am not suddenly hit back with a fit of depression nor have I been on the town. Ok the latter not being strictly true as yes I went into town to meet some guys from the Listowel LGBT group but was graciously reminded that the bar maid in the pub refused to serve me as we had exchanged a few words a couple of weeks ago. A situation that was quickly resolved by the owner the day after the incident occurred so I headed away to drown my sorrows over a glass of lucozade and a couple of fizzy orange drinks. Ahhh but there is always next time.

Something a little more sensible

Sorry to say the last few days, my head has been in the clouds after my meeting on Wednesday night and there seems to be no let-up in the whole situation. Tonight I am off into town to informally meet a group from the Listowel LGBT group who are on their night out in Killarney here. Of course this me going into a pub where i can stress that I will not be drinking anything but j2o or club orange as i have to work in the morning. I am now thinking that the more people from the "community" I meet, the better my chances for that all important confidence boost I need to push me over the top.

Oooer

It's ambrosia... Dats the foerst of dean talk coming out in me there. The last few days have been living hell for me here but I got through it somehow. Yesterday or Wednesday saw me attend a support group meeting to meet face to face Trans people of all stages and me being the beginning part of it all. Well I realized a few things right there. My focal words of wisdom means Jack squat and remains with me. I realized that these people have feelings the same as me and they get on with their lives now. I still have issues to deal with and willbe sorting them within 24 hours. I a, on a fight and don't give a stuff who gets in my way. I am proud to be who I am and that is something I have never admitted to. Fek the rest, Do what you have to do and if those who are so blind well god help them.

So lucky

What would ever possess a person to be driven over the top? Well it can be a number of issues. From my personal prospective it can be a situation that no foresight of ever getting out of, the fear of fear itself or simply a snap in the head at a moments notice. I really thought that the latter was under control but yesterday proved that it is not by a long way.

Over the past few weeks I have been have re-occurring dreams about my dad and problems that I went through back in the UK and decided to talk to someone professional about this and related gender issues. Ok so I came out of there feeling a little more clear in my mind about situations and how to move forward but then had a call from my boss stating that work was going to be slack this month. I immediately started to panic and came home to find a bottle of vodka in my cupboard and decided to start the usual of drowning my sorrows. I had also been recently prescribed some tablets from my Dr to help me relax and sleep better as I had not been sleeping too good recently. So the next is obvious, playing sad & depressing music, crying myself into a state I decided to say good-bye to this world once and for all.

It was about 8pm last night when I was found on the floor by my landlady who was concerned about me as I had told her a few days before that I was leaving the house and moving on. The rest becomes obvious and founf myself being woken up by strangers in hospital. When they had realized that I had only taken a few tablets I was clear to go home. And have been told that in the last few minutes, my blood test came back as not having any alcohol in my system so what the heck was in that bottle? We can only assume that someone else had drunk the contents and replaced it with water :)

I have been told though that the previous weeks drinking has taken it's toll on my body and that I need to do something about this. A case of "do or die" simple and bluntly put to me which sent a shudder down my spine.

So now it is really the fight to bounce back. and get back to some normality before I commence work again.

Another kick in the teeth

On the advice of some of the girls on the Angels forum I decided that enough was enough and to seek advice and professional help. Now parting with all that I had, I have just got back feeling pretty relaxed to fing out now that I will probably not be back to work until the end of the month. This has now undone all the things that have been patched up and I am now sat here crying as I feel my whole life is doomed. Well maybe it is time to think about the escape plans.

A change in focus

Just under a week left until I move. Well hopefully as I am depending on getting back to work to earn some pennies to be able to pay for the whole thing.
I have become increasingly more excited about moving away from this house and town that for the earlier part of this year played a depressing part of my life.

I have so much now to look forward to and cannot wait until the winter to go to the UK to visit a few well trusted friends that have shared my experiences and helped me out. More that can be said for the supposed "friends" that I have here who can only ignore me these days.
After me extravagant spending spree on Friday which saw me make a wonderful purchase of a new camera, I have been kinda broke but hope that the boss will sort out the rest of my wages today.
I think the reason why I went mad was for the bank holiday here last weekend and the fact of booze. Well I still managed to get to the pub and enjoy myself but never spent what I could have if I would have had more cash. It really is a problem for me and I am determined to work around it in my own way.

Well my time off work has not come without it's benefits and drawbacks but have come to appreciate and reflect on what is actually going on in my life. I have also realized that I spend too much time browsing at the gossip going on with internet forums and have taken a slightly different approach to life recently. It does however make for a bit of a pain haing to carry a rain coat and brolley around all the time as the weather is so unpredictable here.

Take a long good look at yourself

Sat there yesterday sorting out my room and all the crap I have accualated recently I realized just what I have been doing to myself lately. Deep down I wish all this could go away but know on the surface that it wont and simply have to bare the changes that I need to go through and this is why I now need to move away and be on my own again. It will be pretty much like before of having no-one round to visit but I can be happy and get on with life and do my studies and work.

I sat there gazing into the mirror and looked deeper beyond what I was seeing, the ugly with-drawn face revealed a more beautiful person this someone I had seen recently and was quite content to live with.
I know that it is going to be an uphill battle to get back to that state and 1 week of heavy drinking can take months of hard exercise and lots of rest to un-do what has been done.

Even down to posting here has been quite a struggle as of late but hope now that things can once again move forward and upwards.

A messed up week

It really has been pretty messed up for me this last week. The prospects of a new home and a fresh start triggered fears of this whole transition sent me into a downward spiral. Having spent the majority of the week in the pub, I decided yesterday tp make a break and go for a round of golf. Fat chance of such as the heavy rain that we have had here recently waterlogged the course, so in good Irish spirits I hit the pub "again" and the session lasted a further 8-10 hours. I ave had enough of this right now as I don't seem to have control over my life and have enlisted on some help. No I am not talking public meetings but to chat to those around me who have also been affected by alcohol abuse.