In the lap of luxuary

I spoke to my tour guide this morning and got the SP on this weeks events.
I got to the hotel safely and met with the guide having a chat over a drink. I cannot belive that at the beginning of this year I said to myself that this was the year it was going to happen and it is.
I thought that I was driving a 24 seat minibus but ended up 43 seater. Hmmm.
I got into the bus and felt so comfortable and confident and just drove off. Ok 7 hours to get here but am staying in the Hilton in Belfast and the rest of the hotels this year will also be 5*. I have booked in tomorrow for a spa treatment in the afternoon. i think I deserve this as a treat for getting this far. I am off working in the morning and shopping in the afternoon and then some TLC. :)

I haveto admit though that this post and the whole not is costing me a fortune but dam worth it.

While driving I was thinking about my future and kinda excited and sad to be doing this. I just feel so free at the moment after all these years of suffering.

Will hope to get back on here at the next hotel. I am cut of as of 12pm tomorrow. :)

The big day is here

6:15(ish)am. All is quiet on the home front. Last night I went out with the housemates to watch football on the telly of all things. One had to go to his mums and the other was just that boring he came back home too. This left just me and my female housemate chatting away. We got chatting about my situation and I must admit that I feel pretty excited at the moment. I am in my right mind now (I think) and can look forward towards my transition.
In our conversation we got talking about fanciable men and she was astounded at the fact that I could relate to that. Well at the end of the day it is simple in the way that I think and have the same mental senses as a female.
We had a bit of a giggle over one of our fellow housemates who I was in the pub with on Saturday night and his excitement towards the hen party that came in. It seems that he will go for anything in a skirt, so I am going to have to be careful if I go out for the night post-op :)

Anyway the big day has arrived. New job, new month and the start of my new life.
Everything seems to have dropped into place at the right time. I no longer have issues over my identity and am happy to carry on using my male name for the next 6 months. But for all my life I have dreamed and feared this moment and now it is actually happening for me. It's kinda strange how everything just fits in nicely as it would be my worst nightmare trying to entertain people and dealing with personal issues so prominent as what I have been through.
Tomorrow I have several transfers to sort out and Friday I am only out for a few hours so have the rest of the afternoon free to hit the town. Shopping! hmmm something I am learning quickly. Ok I cannot afford to go overboard on this at the moment but want a few tops and see what other delights are in store.

It really is going to be a killer today travelling past a shopping complex that for so long I have wanted to visit. Well I look at it this way, I have no money to spend anyway and browsing amongst the fabulous clothes will only make me depressed if I cannot buy. So ok I will get over it:(
It could also be difficult in the sense that I have not driven since November last year and all of a sudden will be making the trip again across country. God if only I had a pound for everytime I .............. wait up, Hmmm icouls buy a new outfit for everytime I have to travel the long daunting road on my own to Dublin. Now the world seems a whole lot brighter.

Anyway I am going to start putting some piccies up here soon. Most of landscapes and a few of me :D

With the big day looming

I sat back this morning over a cuppa tea and thought about the few months ahead of me and the work I am likely to be doing. Ok really dreaming of earning a wage again. It suddenly struck me that in less than 24 hours the clock will be ticking for a life changing motion. I can actually start planning and saving towards my transition and every little step I take and every week that goes by is one less that I will suffer.
This year has already gone by pretty quick and sure as heck that the next 6 months will sail by too. Ok I love for each and every day and live every day to the full.
Battling against GID, alcohol abuse, smoking are all major factors that I have to overcome. There is still a long way to go but in my eyes now have closed the chapter of one book and about to write another. This is a direction that I have no idea what lies ahead, it's kinda scary but exciting as well. Having drawn the conclusion that this needs to be done, I dream now of nights out with friends and feeling relaxed and enjoying myself.

Of course there is no magical solution but feel now that my life is about to begin. I look back to tarot card readings I have done back in the UK ad all seems to be slotting into place. All the readings were basically the same and I was always told that I would move across the water and my life had not yet begun. Ok that was at a time when I was fighting to stay at my place in the UK and did not believe for one second that I would actually move. The scary thing was that I sold and felt so comfortable when i got to Ireland and just did not want to leave so I never.
Now my life is about to begin, my true personality is shining through and I can at least relax now safe in the knowledge that in time I can be complete.

My thoughts still reflect back to when I was younger and can see now the impact this has had within my life. I used to go to sleep dreaming about being a girl and one day this would happen. I am not fighting no more against my feelings and have to go with the flow. It is going to be scary at first in the big wide world but hey that happens to me all the time, i get scared. There now seems to be an air of confidence in me that I ave never felt before. We had a situation on the angels site there at the weekend. There was a lot of talk about setting up a support group and I took the bold steps of doing it. Never before have I been at the forefront of anything like this but I am not scared to do it now. Before i used to slope into the background and just hide away my fears. I make jokes now with certain housemates about what I will be like after my operation. I am a completly different person.

I still ask the big question though if I had the chance would I change anything. Hmmm well now I never would. I have hated myself for so many years and am so wrapped up in my own natural beauty that I could never invisage life in any other way.

Monday morning

Ok this is not a depressing post but time is now running out for me to get stuff sorted. Got me case packed yesterday and most of what I need is to hand so not too worried about that. I have had a bit of a depressing thought though. While packing I realized that i have to dress to look the part and as I am not fully out yet that means wearing shirt/tie. Hmmm never really felt comfortable with that but have done it as part of the job. This is the other reason that I am giving in at the end of the season. But it is the way I feel inside now. I am completely different and given half the chance will be in a black skirt and something more appropriate. There is one good thing though. Have been told that once I have met the passengers I can then change into what I feel comfortable in. So investing in a load of polo-shirts and black jeans. As long as i look presentable that is all that matters. Ok dilema over :)

A fresh start

Getting to this level has been a hard up-hill battle with emotions and mental state. I now have to start looking at the physical changes needed to move on to the next level. Looking at the next steps I need to make to become the butterfly that I am going to change into. At the moment, I am happy in my little cocoon transforming from what was once an ugly caterpillar. Ok buying clothes is of the essence and a must for any girl who wants to look and feel her best. But there is more to it than that, I need to start getting Laser treatment and make the alterations visually for that beautiful feminine look.
The course of time will tell these next few months and will go by so quick. I also need to loose a bit more weight and trim down the mid section which can now be achieved through a careful diet, exercise and toning. Once that part is sorted I will always have the constant battle to keep weight off once I start on HRT. Hmmm well a thing that needs to be done.
Well cannot wait until I get to Belfast this week as there is plenty of time for shopping. :)

A big lesson learned

Yesterday I had to sit back and witness someone attempt to that their life. Thankfully the overdose of pills made her vomit badly and with the quick thinking of one girl who remembered where she worked called the company and was able to get an ambulance and inform her partner. This is the long suffering that TS's go through and even on the face of it looking rosy, deep down it still hurts like hell.

I have had the same feelings on many occasions and recently as posted here. However you kind of learn to live with the fact and over the past few months I have become a stronger person. I have come to accept that I have only one direction to take to free myself and not to live life wondering what it would have been like.
Now onto the next stage of this transition comes the putting into action stuff. Ok I have a long 6 months ahead to prepare for living FT and to start the courses of treatment needed to reverse my male features that have for so long been a hindrance in my life. Yet with all this comes and element of sadness, putting behind a life that for many years I have lived with and coped with the falseness of knowingly been different.

And they're off

Yesterday was confirmed to my departure from here. I will be on the move as of next week and now can start to get my life sorted out making dreams into a reality.
Well to be honest, it is my worst nightmare coming true and the changes that I am making I feel now complelled to do. Most think of this as an attentions seeking thing but it is more of a harsh reality check on what has gone on inmy mind throughout my life. I cannot quite believe that this is now happening right now and kinda knew that 2008 was going to be the year that it happened. Not quite what I had in mind though making such major changes to my life.

Shopping and things

I took a walk into town today and did some window shopping for new outfits. Hmmm well cannot wait until M&S opens on the 8th Feb and have already made out my list of stuff that I wanna get.
But there seems a few categories that the shops here cater for.
1) the over 50's look
2) the tourist look
3) the tarty teenager
But nothing really for the more mature discerning female like myself.

I am aiming for a look that is practical for day to day general life and the stuff that a girl needs for a good evening out. Ok have a few outfits here but nothing like what I really want and need. Fashion issues never have been a thing that I have considered as a top priority however in recent times I like to look good and feel confortable with the clothes that I wear.

Another annoying thing is the fact that I am looking for shoes. Ooo I loves my shoes and looking for a pair of black or brown knee length boots and lots and lots of shoes for day to day wear. Most of the sizing guides here are european and find it difficult to calculate to my actuall size.
Well I shall get there and when I do, sure that it will be worth it in the long run


xxx Katy xxx

Scared

It's a sad and lonely world living as a trans person. When people get to find out about you they try to understand but kind of distance themselves from you after a while thinking your a freak or something.
I know a few post ops who live in a desperate world of loneliness and in my opinion regret. There are others though that make the most of what they have and live a normal life. I am hoping to be in that category as I have had the loneliness up until now.
There is enough criticism in this world without being told by a certain few to think again over transitioning as it sounds like a phase that you are going through.
Now see in my eyes if I have been through an experience and someone wants help, I try my best to help. I do not bog them down with information one week and tell them something totally different the next. This is why I have distanced myself from the angels chatroom over certain people in there.

This is not a situation that needs to be taken lightly and if the system could be sub-divided in anyway, there would be those who seek the attention and those who genuinely seek help. I am not in that position though to make assumptions as there is no physical proof but is just an impression that I get.
This whole thing has caught me bad this time and as I have said in other posts that I have no option but to continue with this. I always thought that there was a choice but seems like there isn't in materials I have been reading.

As to the reasons that I got so low last night, I still cannot put my finger on it and thought that my tendancies of self harm were all in the mind, but this was an indication that they are definitely alive and prepared to hit me at any time. I just need to be strong through this stage and not relfect back on what has happened.

Moving on.
I have to push myself to the next level now, seeking help and joining forums whenever I get the chance. I want to be able to help others out too as this can be a lonely life of secrets and that most may not be as strong as me. It is not about the financial rewards but the knowledge of doing good for someone and being there for them.
I also have to start buying clothes for my new role and getting the diagnosis stuff sorted out. It is just under a week now before the season kicks in and cannot wait to finally get out of the house and back working. I know that this has been said before and might encourage me to post something a little more interesting here as to stuff that I have bought and photos of my stages of development.

Made it through the night.

I am still looking back at the events last night that tipped me over the edge. I can come up with many probables but the main 2 reasons in my last post are only contributory factors of an ongoing saga of my life gone by. I really think that people around me feel as i am doing this for a bit of fuss and attention little do they realize the fight I have had up until now. It is a fight I am prepared to carry on no more and have resigned to the fact that if I don't do this now I will only have to suffer more in the future and then go through the whole process again. It really is the hardest thing in my life that I have had to come to terms with and have decided just to live and survive each day as it comes around. I have the basics sorted out for my transition and will try and keep to that, but for the moment and until then need to keep my fighting spirits high. It has been a long winter and one that for the rest of my life I will never forget.

Tearing me up

3:58am.
I have slept a bit after my last posts here but is going to be a long night for me. I think the main reasons for my emotional outburst is a couple of reasons.
1: I have been out with friends and all my housemates and see them having what on the surface to be a normal life and just wish that I could have the same. i am stuck in limbo once again and feel that my life is going nowhere. I wish that I could have a relationship, but it won't work out. My female senses are now released and kinda fancies a few guys I have met but they still see me as male and will get ridiculed for being gay.

2: I have helped such a lot of people out in the past both spiritually and financially. Those that were there holding their hands out took with gratitude and now refuse to pay me back. So when I hear of people doing me wrong going to see them and borrowing money off them it makes my blood boil.

Ok just to enlighten a few here about this. In the UK I inherited my own property after I lost my dad and my brother had moved away. It seemed that what ever i did to keep that place going, just failed. It was about 7 years after my mum and dad split that I actually started talking to my mum again. This time lapse hurt me as I was dragged into a feud which hurt me deep. However, the guy my mum went off for was serving time in prison. Hmmm well there goes the stability in my life.
When I got back talking to my mum, she helped me out through some rough times and for that I will be eternally grateful. She knew a family who's husband/father was serving time with her partner. Upon his release, I was persuaded to take this guy into my home as he was feeling suicidal. I was reluctant at first but then agreed.
Dear god that was the worst mistake of my life. 8 months of hell and being kicked out of my place too, what a nightmare. I was subjected to mental torture, physical threats and accusations of sexual assault. Eventually I agreed to sell the place and in return to the mortgage company re-possessing the place which was the legal and quickest way to get him out. When I finally got the keys back to my home it was ruined beyond belief. Although my mother stuck by me, my step-father did not and took their side. It was when I was in the process of selling the property that it erupted between my mum and step-father and offered my mum some money if she moved out. Of-course she held me to this and insisted that I helped them out once I actually got my money through. I was confused at the time with all that had gone on and was told that they had fallen behind with loan payments. I agreed and agreed a payment term to which I have only ever received £250 in return. I then get word that the son of this guy who rented my place had called by. Much to my disgust, they had taken him in a nd listened. He has been back a few times now and keeps insisting that he had nothing to do with the stuff that went on in my place. Yeah fooking right.
He called by yesterday too and that voice in the background brought it all back.
Well I am and always have been TS and have had accusations made against me. I am now calling on this woman to prove that I made advances on her. However the shock is going to be that I will by this time have changed my name and be well underway on HRT and have the diagnosis made. But this is really not the reason that I am transitioning right now. I am doing it for me and me alone.
I really think that I put the past behind me though as I have a new life, a new home and no-one can will know where I am.
One situation I am prepared to face, but another tough one to make.

I go to sleep crying with tears of hope that I never wake up again

Feelings of despair and suicide

I have had a good night out tonight and was going to walk home. I feel somewhat open to the elements of attack by others around me and pleaded with a good friend who is a
taxi driver to bring me home. I am still presenting as male however it is my mental state that is kicking in with this fear. Not a good issue by any point.
When I left my friends in the night club, I felt like just coming home and putting something up to end this whole saga of events. However I am such a coward and feel that someday this will all come right especially at the moment as I feel so strong within myself. I am now asking favours from my mate who still owes me money to borrow some cash to pay for the visit to London that I am so desperately seeking. I would do anything right now to get an opinion to reassure me that this is going to work out well or even make me feel complete. Yes it maybe said by some that the demon drink is kicking in, but it is not. I feel very much alone in this and wish that I had someone to turn to that could give me some answers. My mum is trying her best bless her and likewise with my friends. They do not understand how bad this really is and has no idea over GID. The angels forum in my opinion is a waste of time right now but might eat my words later on.

I look in the mirror and see this young lady crying out for help, but her screams are not being heard.

The little cogs make the big wheel turn

To me the world evolves around the little things making the big picture unique for me this especially true in the changes that I am making to my life right now.
I don't really feel the need to rush home and change into a skirt to feel feminine, that is something that I carry with me all the time. It is the small things like tying my hair back and Just making sure that I look good and have decent clothes to go out with. Most of my existing wardrobe I am going to keep for day to day wearing even when I start my FT quest en femme. I have to endure the day to day suffering of being recognised as one person when I am totally the opposite. Having to use male toilets and the stench that comes from a guy pissing over the floor. YUCK!
The changes that I am making though are mainly for that reason of status and feeling comfortable therein the role that for such a long time I feel that I belonged. I still have this mammoth task to loose a suitable amount of weight before I start my FT experience and can see the light now that health issues are getting sorted.
It is quite a feat though to live the day to day life as a female, the routines of getting up and sorting the little noticeable things out really take time but is worth it in the end. The main essences of my transition is to get the diagnosis and the relevant hormone treatment. I also need to consider my appearence with getting hair grafts and my teeth sorted out. This is all going to take time and money, but the lasting benefits will be worth it in the end. Once I get into a routine of driving, I can make plans to start Laser treatment and am tempted to carry this on with a home kit, which i hope over a period of time will pay off.

A lot has already changed with me and has gone un-noticed. This is the way that I really want things to go however there is going to be a time when the doo doo's hits the fan and I present FT as a female. I can only imagine that I am going to loose a dose of good friends at that turning point despite the fact that they have vowed to stick by me. Well will have to wait and see on that one.

I think that my recent feeling of being down is mainly due to the fact that I am waiting for sufficent funds to become availible to make my appointment over in London. It has also got to me that i seem to be waiting forever to get back to work. Somewhat wishing my life away which is not good, but the best things come to those who wait.


xxxxx

Stepping into the untold

Yesterday I went out for a walk with my housemate in to town for the intention of food shopping. Hmmm well I was kinda diverted for about 30mins or so as he has gotten very religious as of late especially over the last few weeks for some reason. We went to this church known as the Friary. I had always passed this on my travels and about the closest I ever got was hanging around outside for a works meeting at the end of last year. OK so we had to stop on the way up as his health is not too good at the moment. I spoke of my despair of not being able to move forward and told him how I wish I didnot have to do what I am doing but somehow it has to be done. He tried to calculate that in about 10 mins but still seemed a little confused.
Right so we enters this church and he performs the process of true catholic faith before kneeling to pray. I said a couple for my dad and all those who have been taken from this world that I knew. I got onto the issues surrounding me and said that I was scared of doing this and knew it was messing with nature. I put it in a way that I believe that nature has messed with me still trying to be diplomatic. All the time I was in there my left ear was ringing softly and I felt this great sense of calm throughout my whole body. I had never felt like that in my life as I have always been living on a knife edge over people finding out about me. A few questions popped into my head and in my own rights answered them as best that I could. I left that church somewhat a different person that I entered, feeling a whole lot more confident. Maybe this is a start but not going to hit it big time like my housemate.

Later yesterday evening I was in the living room when my housemate walked in and told him about my experiences and how I felt. He smiled but never said a word. I also spoke more about me and my proposed journey, but this conversation was not fuelled with alcohol as I normally have to have a drink before I talk to anybody. Nope I felt comfortable talking about changing my name and my whole wardrobe. I spoke of despair of having to do this and the pain it causes me. It was kind of strange but felt right to talk about such problems. We then went out for a drink to the local pub. The scene was set with the traditional music sessions of Ireland. These lads are very good and set the mood for the rest of the evening. Although after the first drink my housemate left and I remained on my own. It was not long before I got chatting to a few people and all of a sudden I was being accepted by the locals at long last. Not for being TS but for being English which made the whole world look a lot different. Maybe this is a sign of things to come, who knows.

xxx X xxx

The day after the night before

It's morning here once again and another boring day in the life of.
Well not today as i am still lacking the ability to kick myself into gear and get out to but food. I am off window shopping also today and might buy if I see something reasonably priced within my budget.
Just to elaborate a it on last nights activities. I went for a drink with my female housemate and after being fueled by a few pints, we started to chat about a situation that she is in. I kinda built my defenses up though when her sister walked in and joined us. They both wanted to go on into town and carry on the party spirits and tried to persuade me. I was having none of that and decided to come home.
I didnot mention anything about me or my situation last night as I normally do after a few pints, but did say that I really didnot want to go through with this transition crap but it has gotten a hold over me and have no choice in the matter.

Once I get there and make the changes I know I will feel more comfortable with myself but until that moment comes still lives in uncertainty.
I feel this sense of guilt like I always have in my gender status which has tortured me over the years. It is like I am being held back but now feel the need to breakthrough those barriers now and for every step I try to take forward normally ends up in taking 2 back. I look at the situation that I have just faced and try to realize just why I could not make it through. However I do feel I am getting stronger now.

Just recently I have distanced myself a lot with a few friends that I have made online, I am not sure as to the reasons why I have done this but in the back of my mind there is one. Not being one to really communicate with the world, I feel kind of scared in a sense as most of those people I chat to know more about me than I do. It's amazing when you start to read some of the messages that are posted and the difficulties that people like me face on a daily basis, but if only they knew how frightened I really am in doing this.
But there again on the other side of the coin lies a life that I have only dreamed of up until now. I just want to be recognized in my total and official capacity as being female and the changes are slow. I can accept this for now, but also feel the sense of frustration that when I do get the opportunity to advance a little further, I just piss it up against the wall.
Although i am clear in my ways now of thinking, I just wish somehow that I could avoid going through the transition process and just carry on with what my life was, but knwingly deep down that this is not an option that is open to me right now.


xxxxx

Drink, drugs & life in general

Ok must admit I don't take drugs anymore. The odd spliff used to suffice however i have found the root of all evil is Drink. It leads us into this sense of false security in many ways than one. Tonight I feel more alone than I ever have of opening up to the world of my so called "Friends" Yes I have been drinking, but walked away with the kind words of wisdom from my female housemate who appreciates nothing but herself.
Ok I am scared over my transition but am in full mind and spirits now and can appreciate the subtleties of being where I am today. Not making much sense, well let me sleep on that one, but for the moment I am still alive and not changing her name, whilst the shock may be for some it is not for me. I am going on no matter. FATE maybe, destiny UNKNOWN! Kinda exciting Hmmm but for the mo' will remain in limbo.


xxxx KJ xxxxx

Thought it was too good

5:10 am and been awake for about an hour now. Just had a call from my housemate saying that he has been rushed into hospital as he collapsed earlier on tonight. He seems in good form and know how that place, quick in and get ya out. So going to have to give a little TLC now.

On a more personal note, I thought things were tripping along too nice and would soon have to have a setback, well it has happened. I am in my comfort zone now and am quite happy to sit here, was a quote from one of my previous postings. Well yes I am in my comfort zone and trying to push to the next level. I know that this has gotten a hold of me now and that there is no turning point to back out, pretty much like being caught in a snare the more you struggle the worse the pain gets. Ok well I know now not to struggle, but the point is that I am scared to advance to the next level. The reason for this is the guilt over the years and the fact that I have been hidden deep within the mind of my male body. Could be early days yet and still need to get that all important diagnosis but had the opportunity this week to book the appointment yet chose booze instead. Yes the demon drink is also going to be a struggle to get over and going to battle that point first. I know that I am a short step away from starting work again and do not under any circumstances want to go down the path of the way I did last year.
Ok so it is a complete lifestyle change now and let the battle for freedom commence. If only I could just live a normal free spirited life and not have to go through this trauma, but this is something that needs to be ironed out before it irons me out.
Having doubts in my mind? yes, but know that this is the only path that I can take now to a more satisfactory lifestyle.

Anyway, now I am awake, think it's time for a cup of tea.

xxx M xxx

Posting at the Angels website

Not something I can really be bothered to do at the moment. I have had a few setbacks with my health this week and remain in good spirits. However if I even looked at some of the threads there would only make me feel depressed. I am carrying on with my life and feel that the daunting task that lies ahead with transitioning must be met with a positive attitude. It seems that some of the people in the UK depending on NHS funding are soo wraped up in postings about PCT funding, which lets face it is going to be questioned as this is such a costly procedure. Just imagine who they would or not cope with funding the would thing like I have. Hmmmm perish the thought.
Well I cannot speak ill of the forum as it has helped me a lot and have gotten some pretty good friends from there now. I just feel now that I want to advance with my life, but this is not happening. Hey but will soon rocket into hyperdrive.



Sleepy bye time now :)

xxx M xxx

Whats in a name

For a good number of years being hidden away, I was always known to my male side as Kathryn but as time goes on and this becomes more a reality I feel I should stick around the male name I currently hold. So it had been decided for the best that when the deedpoll name change comes is I will be Michaela Joanne. And by god does it take some getting used to but getting there slowly.
I can remeber the times when my dad used to refer to me as MJ and brings a tear to me eye when I think about this and what his reaction would have been if he was around today.
I have also thought about sticking here at my comfort level, but only knows now that the problem will get worse if I do so must move on.

xxx M xxx

A great day for losing the washing

Evidence has shown today that the weather reports last night forecasting a wonderful day turned out to be a loda baloney, pretty much like the prediction Michael Fish made years ago dispelling myths of a hurricane. Yes in fact we are subject to the attack of gale force winds. Having chucked a load of washing in the machine and needs to get it dry is an excuse to use the tumble drier as unusual. This has given me the excuse to do some much needed work in my camper van.

Having kinda overslept this morning and health seems a bit better today that it has been recently, I arose and had a call from me mate (speaking at last) saying that he was coming round and to get the kettle on. Hmm well I have tried to fit a kettle before and does not look very good on me. I waited and waited and did the work on my van and waited again. He turned up about 14:20 to ask if I could help him out with an oil change on his car tomorrow. Not before he pays me for the previous job anyway, I gladly accepted to assist him and tell him what to do with his car, but said that I would not partake for the reasons of gettimg my hands dirty. Hmmm I might pop over to Cork or Tralee tomorrow anyway foe a few hours and do some shopping. Yes I can at last afford to go shopping and might not feel guilty in buying some decent clothes ready for my transition. Have been looking at the M&S website and have fallen in love with a few tops there. So it looks like the oil change will have to be put on hold. I have spent many a day shuttling this guy and his kids around, with no thought to what I want to do. A message on the door should suffice to let him know to post my cash through the door and I can pick it up later.


x K x

What things would I change

Was the question I was asked today by my female housemate today. Hmm how can one answer that in the situation tat I am. I had a go though chaying that apart from the changes to my life, my appearance and everything else, was to be able to be accepted.
I think that this is the major factor with anything with what I am going through, but as I said is that once things start taking shape that things might be different.
I have also been told is that I do not show any feminine signs, but this is due to burying myself deep within myself over the years. I have stated in the past that my transition is going to be minor so that they are noticed, but also not too hard to bare.

x K x

A bright suny day

Yes, for the 3rd day in a row the sun is shining and really warm here. Not even had a spot of rain. However I am stuck in doors after having yet more problems with my health. I decided that yesterday would be the ultimate day for me to quit smoking. I have to do it at some point before starting on hormones, so now I am feeling less stressed and settled why not now. This has not come without it's problems though. I have come to realise that the lack of nicotine caused my heart to race again last night and really felt rough with it too. So taking the advice of my doctor and resting up for a few days is a must now. It is really import at the moment and that I am 100% in good health to get back to work.

So nothing else to report here at the mo' so will leave it there

Another lazy day

Well story of my life at the moment. it has been another one of those days yet again.
I have spent most of my thime though re-loading windown onto my machine after the system crashed and changed systems to Linux again. Lots of advantages with Linux but seems that I still have issues loading programs. I also am pleased that my internet connection is a lot quicker now too.
Around 2:30pm, I was sat there thinking about what to get for lunch and went up the road to the local garage. Hmm kinda forgot to but cigarettes and have not smoked since. I really have been trying to quit and just feel now that I have got my head sorted out can do it. It's dam expensive and stinks. Yes, I have gotten quite critical recently and have reaqlized that my sense of smell is returning. I had an accident many years ago while working in a confined space with a lethal mixture of cleaning chemicals.

I feel good right now and had the wonderful news today that I am loosing weight. Slowly but surely it is coming off.

In the situation of work, it is still not looking good, but am holding out as I need to save the money I get this year for work that has to be done in the future.

xxxx K xxxx

A nice day for chilling out

The weather here today has been wonderful, warm(ish) and nice bright sunshine, However I decided that it would be good just to sit back and relax after what has been a harrowing week mentally.
It is nice to see the sun out and here the kids playing in the street outside not having a care in the world, the birds chirping and the occasional sound of a mower running. I sit here now in my bedroom and the breeze is blowing gently, whistling as it passes my window and I think to myself on how luck I am to be alive in such a wonderful place. The thoughts remain though of the next steps I have to take, wishing somehow that there could be a miracle cure to put everything behind. But I breath a sigh of relief that there are others in this world far worse off than I and that my problems are just a minor hiccup of natures true way.

A venture out this evening might be in-store, a walk through the park and then on into town, something that I can appreciate the true values of life itself. The answer does not lie in the bottom of a glass as i have found out on many occasions, but to call by and have a bit of light entertainment could be just the remedy that I need right now.
I am like a butterfly in a cocoon, something that was once regarded as a pest about to transform into something beautiful and vibrant.

Angels or Evils

Yes as you can see, have figured out how to put titles up without being translated into some foreign language. So can post less longer spiels of blurb now.

Anyway, onto the subject.
I am having a mis-match of ideas as to where people are really coming from on the Angels Forum. In one hand you have people that want to help you out and give advice and the other the same people are putting you down. Now granted I'm no saint, but over the past few months I have coped with such tremendous problems as to the direction I am going and who I really am. I am now happy to sit here and let life go by whilst swinging my legs from the ledge. (think I said that before sorry.) I have accepted that I have only one way to go. If I could have a brain transplant, then I would. Any kind of other therapy, then I would do it too. It has been a big fear of mine throughout my life of what would happen if people found out about me. So this is really what the problems have been over the last few months. So when I said the other night in the chatroom about feeling settled and comfortable with coming out to the world, I was praised. Last night I was put down and told that I haven't thought this through and needed to stop drinking. Hey come on ok I went out for a drink yesterday evening, but was back around 8pm to watch the telly. By the time I got into the chatroom, I was pretty dam sober'(ish.) Hmmm well hoping that it was just someone out of phase and that an apology will come my way.

Cocktails & Dreams

Was watching an old favorite on the telly last night Cocktail. This was until Tom Cruise became a freak and got into his stupid religion.
While watching, I realized that I had visions of success and challenges of running my own company. I could do it now and probably make a success of it too, however in the forefront of my mind is the fact that I have also got a lifestyle change in working progress too which could interfere.
I have put my ideas forward to my boss who seems very interested and have a meeting later on today. What he doesn't realize is the fact that I will not be partaking in the activity and would merely settle for anything in the line of shop work. Less scrutiny, less stress and hassle. I had the grey hairs to prove that from before. Ooo on about which, they need touching up again shortly.

Saturday afternoon.
Went out last night into town to draw out some money and have a few drinks. All seemed pretty quiet and the weather was not that good, so decided to head for a pub closer to home. On my walk back down the road, I came across some lads walking in the other direction who started to make comments ad gestures to me. I eld my head up and carried on walking, ignoring what they were shouting. I did feel quite scared by this but at the same time had a sense of pride about being called darling and Mrs. Hmmm well I am a Miss but that is close enough.
Getting ready to go out tonite too. After all that I have been through these past few months, why not. Had a nice hot bath and sorted out the face(well the best I can) Just waithing for me hair to dry now and picked out some nice dark jeans and a gray t-shirt. Still Androgynous mode at the mo so would look a bit weird if I started wearing a girly top out, well not yet anyway.
Right Off now for a cuppa and a bite to eat
Laters xxx Katy

I have been looking back at my past today and felt some sense of insecurity as a child. It seems that my up-bringing was supposed to be in line with my brothers. I was often told that i did mot have the same abilities that my brother did and I should try harder. The main reason for this was that my parents passed off my needs as being attention seeking or fantasy, but little did my mother know that many years down the line that this was going to come back and haunt her.
I feel some sense of sadness today that I was never taken seriously and that something could have been done to have helped me before. i was always locked away in my emotions and thoughts, and had to play this dumb role of trying to be a boy. It was not the real person that I am today and can only guess that my strengths and weaknesses has brought it to be like this now.
Today and from now on, all I am looking for is to be accepted in my actual gender but is not the fantasy of dressing to feel feminine, but more the mental state that I have always been locked in. I am so tempted to get under way with my transition right her and now, but know that would just shock a load of people and therefore might loose that understanding.

I have also given thought to what I said about my mate the other day, I feel kind guilty towards saying what I did, but not in any position soon to be the first to make the move. He has to realize that he has hurt me bad, but I should not have done the same back. Well enough said on that.

I can now think positive about my future and to what ever it may hold. After all, this is a total change in my life again, with the first moving from the UK. Settled now and happy with the area that I am living in, I intend to stay. However the things that really get to me the most, is the daily routine of CMT, doing hair, making sure you look good before you go out is so important unlike that of just chucking of any old clothes and out the door. I have a better sense of pride now unlike my housemate downstairs in my old room, who is becoming to stink the place out. God i used to be like that, god only knows why but I did. Even before i got to grips with my alter ego male part, he started to buy some good clothes and looked good when out. I am kinda proud of that and now wish to carry it on to the way I want to. I am looking forward to working, spending a lot on myself and also saving for my operations and other essential bits. I have a goal and going for that. It does scare me in the changes that I am making and wish that I could still live within however one can only kid themselves for so long. But am really at peace with myself. I am looking to get a tattoo done to symbolize the end of a confusing era and the new dawn and new beginning. This is something that I can wear with pride forever and depicts what has gone on in my life.

It is only a manner of time now before things start to take shape and just going to relfect now in the coming weeks what I have achieved so far. I am only going to report dramatic events that take shape, as really and honestly my mind is clear of any doubts that I ever had.

Next report, who knows. My visit to the Pshycologist or the start of my transition. But for now I am the happiest that I have ever been and long may it continue.
Off to the pub for a couple of pints to celebrate.

Katy

That little fire that I thought had died in my soul has flared up again. This time it has come in a bundle with more self-confidence and not the fear of who I am anymore.
I went out food shopping today and bought some face-care essentials. Ok, it's a start and next wilol be asking boots about which foundation suits me. Hmmm might be a while off yet though. Anyway, i looked at the products on the shelf and put them into my basket as i am not posh enough for a trolley and went to the checkout. Remarkably I never felt guilty in these products going through the checkout and walked away feeling quite confident. I only endevour to complete one task at a time, ok felt more embarrassed about me pot-noodles in the bag than anything else. Tomorrow I hope to go clothes shopping or even window shopping.

After being in town it is usual for me to pop by the pub and spend the rest of my money on alcohol. Well today I did the same but only had a couple so i have some cash left over just in case. I sat there and in my own little unusual way, observed people coming and going through the door. Two guys walked in, about mid 40's early 50's (hey i'm not a good judge with ages,) both of them had mustaches and I sat there and smiled to myself of what makes men want facial hair like that. A harbor for bacteria to say the least. The a couple walked in, she ordered a coke and he passsed on a drink. Hmmm kinda that male dominance of I cannot drink and don't want to be seen out with a sort drink thing. Soon people started passing me and smiling, I wonder if they were thinking about the wierdo sat on the stool with long hair and a soft voice as she spoke or what,I will never know. Before i used to get paranoid at that, but now just don't care.

I came home and ok lunch was healthy with a pot-noodle, but sat back and watched the telly for a bit before my housemate came home from her work. Her sister who is dating my ex-mate had been talking about me and what I had done to upset this rat. I was not the least interested, I have always made the first move to rectify a situation but not anymore. I am prepared to wait until our paths meet and let him make the first move, then I will get my claws out and start.

I really do feel at peace with myself, but know the next stage is not going to be easy be any means but am prepared for it. I find that there are a lot of girls on the angels site that never really got to this stage and battled through with the final situation of having some regrets with their transitions. Again it has to be said that this is no miracle cure, life will still be shitty on the other side too. Only over there it is the defense of being a trans-woman. I am now prepared to take that challenge.

xxxx Katy xxxx

It has hit me with regards to yesterdays post on what is different. My whole mental state is now coming back into balance. I woke just now after having a dream of me wearing my pink PJ bottoms out with a gray cardie and everyone was taking the mick m=out of me. Hmmm not the type of thing that wants to be done at the best of times. But in all fairness I feel ready now to conquer my missing and have reached the peak of that milestone mountain and present en femme, but going to have to wait a little longer as I am going to have some mini RLE's in Dublin when I can ever get the chance to.

I have been exploited enough throughout my life and always thought people look down on me and laugh just like my brother did when I was a kid. This I think is the reason for bottling things up inside for so long.

xx Katy xx

Today seems so strange in someway or another. I feel like I have just exited another tunnel and can look around at the world at large once again. Over the past few days I have been doing lots of thinking and postings here, but for some strange reason I cannot put my finger on it.
Senses of feeling warn inside and totally mellow, mind seems different and I look in the mirror and everything seems different. Am I getting there at last with self-acceptance. I have no idea. Just hope it lasts though.

xx Katy xx

Does it get any easier or any better the longer this situation goes on? I keep asking myself this over and over again and keep coming to the same conclusion that the pain will ease over a period of time, pretty much like it did when I lost my father.
I still feel this sense of being trapped and knowing no way out. It did not help last night when I was talking to my recently appointed housemate whom has no idea about my condition. We got chatting about gay people and I asked him straight out if he thought that I was different in any sense. Hmmm gay he replied, no never. But I found myself coming to the defence of a community to which of sorts I am associated. The conversation then drew us both to the pub, or should I say, me back to the pub. I seem to have taken up drinking in volume again which is not good with the season here about to kick off. I knew that this would happen as I said yesterday about the whole shopping dilemma. One can only live in hope that once I start hitting the hotels again, I can slope quietly to my room and play around getting my makeup right and such things.

I have been thinking though quite a lot about position of work, but knowingly inside that I cannot transition and work in the company I currently work for. However it might work out as I am on the road most of the time. Hmmm still working on those thoughts. I am also looking to take off in my van and head for somewhere completely different but not before my trip to Thailand for my throat shaving thingy at the end of the year.

I have also made considerations as to changing my female name to tie in with my male name, but woke this morning to say to myself Katy you stupid cow. Kathryn has varied over the years but have stuck with that name since i was about 19 and therefore decided that it should stay.

xxx Katy xxx

I sit here on a cloud of silver linings looking down at the world below. I take a deep breath and sigh, thinking of sweet nothings.

Regret, dis-appointment and confusion are the words of today's list.

It seems that I have been exploited for my good nature by a few people where i live, one more so is my best mate who could soon become and ex-mate. I have always looked out for te welfare of those close to me and in recent times have gotten nothing back in return. I feel somewhat saddened by this especially as I have sat here for the last 3 months battling to try and accept myself for who i really am. This is the latest upsets on my long road and seems for the moment that the fire has been extinguished from my life. I would pay tribute to all those who have helped me in the past especially the ones I now feel close to over at the angels website. This has been a tricky venture for me so far and know that worse is about to come, so pretty much have to overcome this hurdle as quickly as i can. The utter temptation to leave is high in my thoughts at the moment, but that would only mean going back and I need to progress forward.

Again today I have been lazy so far. Just woke up and broke down a few cigarette buts to make into a roll-up. Hmmm not the position that I had hoped to be in as last year had everything going for me. But hey will be back at work shortly. That is the only hope that keeps me away from anything that could harm me and by christ as small a hope as it is, it's bloody worth it. I often wonder what it would be like to live a normal male life. I may have posted this further down the line, but these thoughts keep popping up from time to time and have to get them down. I know that my mental state is female and know what must be done in order to complete the process, but am too scared to make that all important first move. I can normally do this with the aid of alcohol but that now becomes a domineering factor of my ability to make decisions.
I have this constant battle to keep my life on track often thinking too what it would be like if I could ust die and get out of here. My pain and suffering continues and think now that if I transition, I am going to ave to explain myself more and have got the problems of riddicule by other people . God I wish there was an easy sloution to this problem but there isn't. Quite simply I battle on in the best way possible.

My thoughts are now to going out and doing some shopping for some nice tops, but having to pass a good number of pubs and not go in can be quite crippling. The other factor is the guilt trip I will have on making purchase and on what the shop assistant might think of me buying womens clothes. This has been a painful factor of mine for years and never had any such problems when I was buying for another female.

Anyway, I have to charge the phone up and am looking to make an all important call to Dr James Kelly in Dublin. I think that the wait to see him is more beneficial to me than going to England, firstly is once I am on the system, I can get better help with hormones and not making that journey every 3 months to the UK. I am going to do this and am going to make the break and go and do some shopping. That is my tast to be done before the end of the day.

xxx Katy xxx

It as taken me a while to sit here and think about where I have gone wrong and that afterthought has made me realize that I have trampled on someone who has always tried to help me. Despite the fact that this person is owning me money, there was a trust that had been built up over the years and now that has been slashed big time.

I feel the need to just get out of the limelight for a while and this can be done in the next few weeks of going back to work. It might also curb my drinking too as I am fully intent of making this the best year that I can and will finally be able to live life the way that it was intended to be lived. My toruble of late have been masked by the fact that I thought that I had come to terms with my condition, but in truth, it hurts every bit as it did back at the beginning of the year. I feel that if I drink that one day I won't wake up, but that is not my style and have fought to the very last.

I sit here hoping for the solution to pop right into mind and unless I make that carismatic step into the big wide world of unkowings, will never make it over the threshold. It is a step that I am scared to make, having many nightmares and dreams about strutting around in a female role. However the time has now come to do such a deed and is like walking all over again.

The desperation of wanting to move away on my own fuelled by the lack of cash situations at the moment are also depressing factors, but need to pull myself together as it is only a few more weeks till I move. I have found a place that the neighbours are few and could probably go un-noticed in my general day to day life.
Ofcourse, i will have to drive to get to the local shops, but is a deterrant for me to go out drinking. I can only dream about my sense of heaven at this time, like I can only dream about those big steps into the world. But one things for sure, I am going to try my upmost to get those rediculous thoughts out of my head about the not waking up bit, because one day it will happen.

Often, I dream about if I were not this way and what would have happened to me. I might have been married with children, I might have been able to concentrate more on setting up my own business. But hey, that is not likely to ever happen to me at all.
When you sit there and see people in their day to day lives and especially at christmas, it tends to bring a tear to your eye because in all honesty, this is a dam lonely life that I am leading.

xxx Katy xxx

Oh god, I have screwed up bigtime now. Went on the town last night and god what a session that was. I seem to be more comfortable talking about things when I have had a few beers, which is not completly the right thing to do because I just don't stop talking. Anyway I tried to phone me mate who still owes me a lot of money and just kept getting hung up on all the time. Well this kinda pissed me off and decided to take tactical measures and phone up the company he works for. Hmmm not a good move too.

It seems that I just want to blame someone for the way I am at the moment, but no-one is to blame.

Anyway, I am hoping to pluck up the courage and go out and buy a new top today and start getting my wardrobe sorted out. I seem to feel a sense of guilt buying clothes as i know that they are for me. This normally results in going to the pub first and having a few pints for courage.

Anyway going to leave it at that and will report later if I actually made it out.:D

As much as i feel content with the way my life is going now, still have little thorns that make this a nasty experience to deal with. I have been here in Ireland for the past year and a half and only knew my old schoolfriend here. Having fallen in love with the place and now decided that this is where I am going to settle in my female role am quite content to stay on. However things have taken an ugly turn just recently as my mate is no longer speaking to me over money that he owes me, which I am now asking to be repaid. I went out the other day and in true spirits of knowing how to deal best with my problems aka getting totally intoxicated, decided that I woul give his father a briefing over the phone. I know that this is going to have come bace effects and when it does is only scratching the surface on the pain that I have suffered after being let down so bad.
I was expecting a payment on Thursday which he failed to meet and that was going to pay for my deposit with Dr Curtis. I now have to wait another few weeks while I get back to work and get my main bills paid up before I can make this appointment now.

It is not only my mate that has screwed me over with money, my mother has too. She often states how I helped them out and how grateful she is, but never mentions re-paying me.

I have decided that although I am going back driving and will hardly be home during the summer and the winter come to that, I am going for a place of my own very very shortly. I have spoken to a guy letting a property out in the country and have decided that this is the place where I will start my transition.

I always state that my physical appearance would not differ from what it is now but am wanting that full on female wardrobe and my aim is to dump anything male that I have by the end of the year. Yes this means more and more shopping for this little girl and going to start on Monday to get some stuff for me to wear when I go to the UK. I am going to travel as male and will get a makeover and changed for the occasion. After that is a matter of time until I start living my RLE fulltime.

There is a lot that needs to be done now with my health and this is main priority over anything else at the moment. My weight is currently boardering up and down the scale of a couple of pounds but can feel the physical changes and feels better within myself.

I am getting ready to venture out this afternoon to watch the rugby down me local pub. My home county of Gloucester is playing the county I am in now (Munster) and will have the pleasure of being in rivalry between the locals here. Not very girly but hey still have some moral pride over where I come from, which is about all I have left to hang on to these days.

For anybody looking into transition or anybody who cannot understand what we are going through, it is bloody hard and lonely. You have to totally re-build your life and think very carefully about each step along the way. For me this is not something that I want to be doing, but feel totally cut off mentally from my physical state. Along the way, people will loose all faith in you as they cannot really understand why you are doing this thing.

Anyway enough said for the mo'


xxx Katy xxx

Well i could not stay away from Angels for too long. The big ugly thing that we call the outside world is not a pretty place at the best of times. It seems that those whom we think are close to us are actually out for what they can milk us out of. I have found that out the hard way but now bouncing back in true bitchy fashion and demanding to have debts repaid. Well as to success, that remains to be seen but will have a dam good go.
Ok rant over. It has been a good week for me this week with a mixture of getting out and having some fun. I also made the break and brought me motorhome back to the house to get cleaned up and charge the batteries. The weather has also been kind in the latter part of the week, but still cannot make the most of it as I am still unable to walk much of a distance due to my leg. but am still battling on regardless.

I have reached another milestone in the last few days and decided that my appointment in London be sooner rather than later. It is kinda scary but exciting knowing that I am actually going to really kick start this whole process and the long path to my so called happiness. Deep down I am feeling more stable emotionally, mentally and yet to get the physical side sorted out. I still feel the sparkle in my eyes and acts like a youthful teenager. However I know there will be more dark tunnels ahead but the lights are on in preparation for these now.

Got a meeting later on today with the company I work for. oh this is a general meeting with all the drivers invited. Going to be fun observing grown men acting like little kids in a playground spurting out comments like "My bus is bigger than yours" and "I drive American golfers and make more money that you." Oh and there might be the odd sligh comment made towards me being English too. Little do they know that I am an English Transsexual. Hmmm their faces would drop. Then after the meeting it will be to the pub for me usual Thursday drink and might stop out for the evening.

My aim from now on is to make as many people smile or laugh as i can in any one given day. I read a post today on the angels forum of a T-Girl who recently took her own life. Not a good situation for anyone to be in as I know and have written about in the past. However, you can only help those who ask to be helped and there are those who suffer in silence and feel that there is only one way out of the misery and suffering. Being of any type of trans, whether TS or TV/CD is difficult and it seems that there are a lot that merely want to be accepted. I kinda take a different view to this now and merely want to be my true self. I look down evertime I have a shower or bath and still hate the sight and thought of having male genitals. This is not the way it is meant to be I should be totally female and soon will. I have also gotten to that stage where shaving has caused a rash so cannot wait to start Laser.

I am also going to start playing around with makeup shortly. This is going to be a novelty as I have only ever tried to use lipstick which added worked quite well. Although I still think that it can be a bit tarty, has to be perfected as the occasion might arise when I need a night out. Hmmm chances of that one is slim to none, but not going to count me chickens before they hatch.

If I have learned anything from my experience so far, is that I have now become a respectable person. I always had a problem and was lazy with certain daily things that should be executed like personal hygiene. I cannot wear the same clothes for more than one day now and sometimes need to change more than once a day. However my washing is quickly piling up and needs to be sorted. I often went for weeks without washing clothes but that can be attributed to my childhood as I was denied not just the right to be who I am but also the lack of cash and the equation of clothing. I always wanted to buy skirts and stuff and had no real interest in male clothes. Last year I thought I got over this and when I go FT, there will be around 30 shirts and about the same in trousers going to the charity shops. I now have the joyful task of buying femme clothes and looking out for something to wear when I go to London later this month. However, I am kinda looking forward to wearing skirts and girly tops, but the usual unisex look of loose jeans and me t-shirts will still be high on my dressing list. Tried them tight jeans once and didnot like them at all so will not be making such investments.

I also have to plan for future work. I cannot see myself after this year wanting to drive or even be involved in the transport industry. In saying that, there is and avenue opening for the driving instruction market now and am tempted to go all out for that. Hmmm would much prefer to do some charity work and try harder on my photography. But a girl needs an income to keep her in clothes and might go for a shop job or something like that. Was looking into a collage course but might prove to be difficult with spotty teenagers and a tranny.

Spoke to me mum yesterday about me intended visit to London, she seemed quite surprised at the fact that I was still on about my female side and thought that it was a phase or cry for attention. Well hello, I have been crying out for years to be recognized and not really going to back down now. I still remain loyal to her but hate her for the suffering and misery spent all these years. But was always taught not ot bare grudges. Hmmm well most of the time I don't but there is one case that I do and that is mother orientated and that was friends of hers that I rented my old property to. Well this guy and his wife and their sweaty little shits decided to make my life hell. The part that I am really looking forward to is getting my diagnosis for GID and bringing a case to court over allegations this woman made against me. It seems in the past, she has lied her way in and out of situations and made allegations of sexual assult aginst me towards her. Well armed with all the information on GID and presenting myself as Kathryn will drag the bottom of the river and bring up all sorts of memories but am going for a legal suit aginst her for these allegations which were blatently flase. I have only ever had one serious relationship and still have feelings for this girl. I should be able to prove although think I have ditched my old mobile, threatening messages sent to me but feel the allegations read to me on police recorded tape should be sufficent. Hmmm will keep the rest of those thoughts to myself.

Anyway still awake at 3:11am on this Thursday morning and no intentions of OOooooooo *yawns* sleeeping yet.
But have waffled enough for now.

xxxx Katy xxxx