Another bright sunny day

Another bright gorgeous day emerges here in the south Kerry countryside and I sit here with a difference today. Well I confess to getting totally drunk yesterday but hey it has been a long long time since I have done anything like that as I kind of relish in myself and enjoy my own company these days ;)
Well I have to confess that I realy do not know what I am talking about here :) but whilst in town yesterday I set myself a few goals which I met. Comments were passed between me and the cashier which probably left her feeling more embarrassed than I. Well it was that trek home feeling kind of nervous as one does as to if my wares would fit or not. I cannot say that I am a great fan of dressing rooms and as good as a judge that I am it all did. The next part of my little inner challenge was to get some hair dye which I have so desperately been needing and again in true un-deterred charm and spirit made my purchase. Well that was me taken up last night and the hair kinda looks good this morning however when I want to go a shade lighter I now know what else to be asking for.

So it has boosted my confidence somewhat more now and over the last few days since I have been sat here with no internet connection I have been relishing in my new life that is evolving and thinking about the next steps. Well I still have a little way to go yet before I make it off the drive and into real life but right now my confidence is just so that I am happy to live my life as a female and gets very depressed and down when I have to go back to the dark side. It is some comfort to know though that I can still feel "girly" even when wearing a shirt and also think that part of me shines through a little more now.

Ok enough drivel from me for the mo. :)

xxxx Katy

The heavenly pursuit of happiness

Well today armed with some cash and a little moral support from what I had previously done I headed into Tralee......... Oooo no make it Killarney for some shopping. Well the aim was to buy a pair of jeans and a skirt along with a few tops. Well not according to plan I did buy a skirt and a pair of jeans but the skirt was a tartan mini-skirt which I have always wanted. Now I loom like a right little princess and with the newly dyed hair also makes me look like a battery from one of those duracell ads ;)

Ok it has been a while since I have been here but had lack of funds and no internet connection but now am back for at least a month or so :)

Another beautiful autumn day

After somewhat of an early start with a coughing fit I decided to venture back to the duvet and get a few more hours beauty sleep. Having pulled back the curtains to reveal what is going to turn out to be an absolutely wonderful morning I feel somewhat up-lifted inside.
The little rut that I have been in over the last few weeks has nearly tipped me back on track and has made me realise just how wonderful life is with the basics of stuff.
Another setback that I have survived and thoughts dwindling as to anything self harm although it has been in the back of my mind but thankfully as I was for 32 years and those thoughts you can fight against and keep locked away but not the true person that you are.

These last few days I have been with a typical bunch of blokes and they have realised that there is something different with me as conversations over women were fully blanked. Now the tone has changed and a little respect has been shown. It's amazing what eye contact can do when you give a hard stare through a person. :)

It's so strange though that the healing time for me within has been the foundation I need to build the rest of my life around. No longer looking for the lavish lifestyle just a modest existence with a few luxuries her and there and a few nice girly nights out. Well it takes time I suppose and better to be confident with the walk before you start to sprint.

Anyway I must go and get myself ready for work. I have a good excuse this week with the cold that I cannot wear anything tight to my neck so smart stuff is out in favour of more neutral stuff ;)

Well I never thought the day would come.

Totally stressed today as i was let down with the crucial payment for my rent and I had left a note on the door saying to my landlord that I would be home at 8:30. Well I have just got back and about 5 mins later my landlord knocked the door. I explained the situation and he is such a sweetheart and can fully understand my situation. Well that is not the best of it, I was going to call by the pub for a pint as I am stressed and decided not to and to keep my money :) well it just goes to show that my drink problem is more than under control.

Being torn between doing a job and typical male talk

Shag, screw and you can imagine the rest as I drive 18 men around on their golf tour. Of course they see me as male and trying to get me engaged in the conversation I just seem to smile or walk away. Ahhh but never mind it is only another 3 days left.

Can you do this for me.

I had a flood of calls from both my previous employers yesterday asking if I could cover work from Thursday on. Sure I says, but needless to say that I am no-longer employed by you I am looking at "this" amount for the job. With a big sigh and Ok I have got the work. I also have a cunning plan for next year that I can be myself and do the job I enjoy under the presence of my own employment terms. I have agreed to cover work for a company who require relief drivers and have said that primarily I could do the work myself but might need other drivers too ;)

Well it is a lovely day here and am about to get ready for another drive around the gracious Ring of Kerry. Armed with a cold I will do only but my best.


xxx

Just when you think that things could not get worse.

They actually get better. I have had a lot of suicidal tendencies over the years and the recent down-turn in my employment sector with the prospect of a gloomy winter made me feel not low but cautiously optimistic with what happened last year. Well today as it still is right now saw doom and gloom turn into something worthwhile. Not going to say too much but my recent bad repression and the counselling that has taken place since told me that there is not a way to end it all but a way forward and to carry on however bad it gets..


Nite xxxx KJK

Well it's to hell with the lot of it.

I wake this morning and rearing to go for another spin around the Ring of Kerry :( I have decided that with al that is facing me, they can take away my cash but not my sanity. :)
I have survived before and will again. This time though will give me the chance to do it as me and not some male thing that I felt compelled to act as all these years.

I spoke to my mum the other day and again spoke of the hard times ahead and yet never a mention from her about paying me anything of the money I lent her in 2006. Well that is the last I would ever see of that, but hell it makes for a brighter future and something more to fight for.

I have not spoken to my mum for ages about GID issues and it still amuses me when she refers to me as her son. I have also given up trying to correct her with the more neutral "My Child" thing too.

The sign of bad times ahead

The credit crunch is really kicking in right now here as a total cockup over the weekend has left me broke. Well it is times like this that I would have started to panic like hell and must admit that it did disturb me a fair bit but nothing that cannot be sorted out. Anyway it is just nice to be here and be myself :)

Anyway on a lighter note, today is about the only dry day we have had all summer and took the opportunity to get out there and do some work to my motorhome as she has gotten a little grubby recently and since I have moved, have not really had the heart to clean her out inside. A major task at and as much as lots of people fall in love with her, she is like any lady of being high maintainance in the vanity department to look her best.


Well tomorrow I am off for a day trip around the Ring of Kerry and again on Wednesday. This is the little bts of work that are keeping me afloat right now. I have applied for a number of jobs and was disappointed that I did not get any calls today so might have to push a little harder to get what I want. ;) This is a girl who is going forth and being dominant to get what she desires. But in a good way of-course :)

And what was all that panic for?

My landlord has just called around for my rent and I explained the situation to him and he has agreed to come back on Friday evening so hopefully I can get stuff sorted between now and then.
He seems a sweet guy, your typical country farmer type :) Well around here most of them would be ;)

Waking to a new life

There was more to the events of yesterday than I really let onto. Apart from an industry that I enjoyed many a year at I also got news that the humble home I so grew up in has had consent to be pulled to the ground and re-built. It seems that my mother holds that place closer to her than what she is making out but for me is another cycle of the chain of changing events that is taking place. I had this in a dream as a child and like many of them have over the course of time come true. One of my dreams has hit me more though in the last few seconds and that is of sitting there in my livingroom and looking out over a hill or mountain to which I should be doing right now but the skies have filled and spewed more of that wet stuff to the ground :(

So last night before I went to sleep, I kinda floated around the place I called home for many years and felt that sense of calm that this haunting place was to be no-more and the rising of a new life in 2 totally different countries set my encouragement further.

Thoughts were streaming through my head this morning about my late fathers funeral and ironically now have just realised that it was this exact day and date but a few months difference that we laid the poor chap to rest. Saturday the 13th Feb 1999.

It is also in my head to write to my brother as I have not spoken to him for over 12 months now and after our last interruption he decided in his wisdom to change his mobile number.

Today I am looking at a bit of shopping in Tralee, mainly to find out about a job that I have in mind, but to also put into practice of what I have feared right until recently. I am after a few tops to set myself away from the inbetweeny stuff I bought last year, but have to be careful as rent is due on Monday and this is my last source of cash until I get into work again. Ahhh the joys of it all and who said life wasn't fair ;)

It's all finally gone

13 years of an enjoyable industry has now came to an end and the future now is untold and trying to maintain a life that I should have had so many years ago. I have my application for a job in the shop down the road and my ex-boss has been great and is helping me out with trying to get some evening work to boost the income a little more.

Well unlike the majority of the girls I have come across over on the Angels forum, I want a total new life and career to go with it and now that is happening. I cannot believe that if you just lay back and let what will be happen that things can go so well and not let fear and denial get the better of you.

All it takes now is to clear my debts and book the appointment across the water and hope to get started on HRT and then to get on with my life the way it should have been intended.

The dark ages

As much as I am trying to get my life back on track, I still find myself cast into the dark ages when it comes to communication with the outside world. As I never watch television or read a newspaper I tend to forget what is happening in the outside world and conversation with mortal people can become boring :( I also have recently found myself so wrapped up within my own feelings that this becomes a topical conversation whenever I am out amongst friends. Well now I am living in a place where very few people recognise me having such a condition and I am not in the process at the moment of divulging who and what I really am, I try to socialise as much as I possibly can and in a capacity that I can handle.
Last night I went out to get some food and as it was a bit late decided on a quick drink across the road in the pub. Again I have the once over from another bar maid that had never met me before but as the locals started speaking to me these stares become smiles and quite relaxed.
It's strange though how previously I would get all paranoid over such events as if they were trying to suss me out and that paranoia would lead to me fidgeting. Now though I don't really care. I can imagine that most take me on face value and there are others that have read deeper knowing I am different to most natal males. The feeling I used to get by people distancing themselves is long gone. It is for this little boost of confidence in me that I feel makes a different person within.

I am interested that when the time comes and I get a little more known, I might start to open up about the changes that are taking place within myself and the eventual changes to my specifics that I am so longing to loose ;)

Sorting stuff out

When I first came to Ireland all I had literally was the clothes on my back. Well 12 months on and a job of living out of a suitcase I have accumulated quite a lot of tat (male stuff that is.) Now the lights have gone out on my career of driving and the prospects run deep of a new job where uniform is provided I have no need for this clobber any more :( and have decided that for the moment I am going to stuff it all into my suitcase and see what happen over the coming months.
It is this sense of the unknown that makes my life tick right now. Scary stuff but exciting too at the prospects of being me in full capacity. I have decided though not to say too much to my potential employer just yet as I am not looking into FT until the technological advances are showing their signs of improvement to my body ;) Ok as weird as this seems, I feel I can live "in-betweeny" mode until then.

These things happen for a reason

It was agreed yesterday that the better idea for me right now is to sign on benefits as there is no work around right now. Well I sat there all day the other day thinking that I had no money when if fact my dear boss had paid me. Well I took myself down to the local store for some provisions and got chatting to the girl behind the counter. As luck happens they are looking for staff which is the type of job I had in mind so am currently drafting up my CV.
I have to get into town today for a few bits for the printer and might even have a little shopping spree for Katy's needs.

Is this where I get all depressed again?

No work, no money, not much in the way of food either, but hell I have had a wonderful day relaxing and doing household chores, also taken a few piccies too :)

I can only imagine what I went through not only a month ago, but have gotten that much stronger recently and the therapy sessions I have been having have really helped this time.
It has brought me back to reality with a big bump


P.S. Yes alas this is me, I have also used this piccies for my avatar over on the angels forum. Just waiting for comments of censorship of the photo ;)

The sum of all fears

Well after prompting my boss yesterday I discovered that the job I should have been on today is not happening now, so I have decided to seek other work. I am looking for something permanent and something that can get me out of "bob" mode for good.

The last couple of days since I have been home had been spent in the best and most mundane style of an everyday female as I can as for me it is about the everyday and not the wearing of frocks and glamming myself up, that will come for special occasions as and when they arise. :)

Now comes the next fight, the fight to survive and stay on top. I have been hit back that many times in the past and sure as hell am not going that way again this time.

Living in doubt

My fears are growing as to how much longer I am going to be driving for. It seems that this whole season has been a washout from start to finish as I got back on Thursday from my first tour in over a month and doubts are to weather or not I am off again on Monday. Well it does not really bother me but merely pisses me off that I am owed money and have not yet been paid.

There are other options open to me that I am going to explore either later on today or tomorrow which means that the date for my transition can be brought forward. I am living most of my time as female as I can possibly get these days and as things progress I will hopefully have the courage to venture out into the world.

The countdown begins

It is now 2 months until my proposed transition date. All seems to be flying right now and frame of mind is excited yet fearful as I have never experienced happiness like this before. There has always been this blanket smothering me and anything dear to me has been taken away.
I have been thinking a lot these last few days about the strange sense of awe I have been feeling. Never before but yet it seems that I have always been there, but just a mere memory of a person that I should have been. Well priorities lye with the upkeep of my home and then secondly I cannot wait to get out there again and do some shopping. The bug has bit me but know that I have to be realistic as changes are going to occur with my body once I start HRT.

I think I will stay low-key until changes happen but still have the quality of life I have all but dreamed of. :)

It's now only a matter of time before I burst

This is not one of those depressing posts that I used to make, but another boundry has been met and from here on out there is no stopping me.

It is now only a matter of time to change from the ugly caterpillar








To the transition









To the beautiful butterfly at the other end







Thing is though, as much as I have confessed to not doing much in a girly sense like makeup, well I have to learn and today was another challenge that I rose to buy getting some foundation. Well I am no expert and got the wrong stuff as I think I may need something a little darker, but hey I can practice and look like a dead person for a while :) :)

I am planning to see Jodie at the Boudoir when I come over in November and have a proper makeover and get some advice on how to do things properly, but until then :)

Although in saying this, I look at myself and can see how different I look. I have taken a few photos but hey, they can stay hidden for a little longer :)

Little steps and one big hurdle crossed

I am on a high right now as until this point I had always bought my clothes over the net. Last week i embarked on the local town for a spot of femme clothes shopping but ended up having a panic attack and walked without buying anything. Well today i was on route and made my first purchase of a top. I was as nervous as hell but overcome that fear and now confidence is starting build towards the next shopping trip. :)