A black month over

I haven't reported anything here of late as there has been little to write about but the months of September through to November saw me in hospital again.
I had been prescribed a course of medication which needed to be administered by injection and my medical team this end refused to give me this medication, making up excuses at every turn.

My frustrations were running high and i hit a low which earned me the rights to have an admission for depression again.
Within the first week of being in hospital I found myself in ICU as I had been on a course of medication which totally put me out of my head and had gone off out and had a massive big overdose.

Getting over that and the subsequent weeks were extremely painful for me yet it was a pathway of recovery.
I had an appointment in Dublin where I should have started on my HRT but because of the refusal to give me my first meds, I was put back even further.
I had now another prescription for medication that would be refused to me and was in a city that nobody knew me, so my thoughts were running high of ending it all but seamlessly I made it back to Kerry again ad back to the security of the hospital.

I was promised that this time I could get this medication but excuses were made as to giving to me, so I approached me GP once again who administered the injection. Boy it hurt!

I learned through a third party that my mother had been taken seriously ill and her chances were slim to none. She passed away only a few hours later and because of such a divide between my mental state and bad memories of England, I was unable to get back to the funeral.

All in all a mixed bag of events during November and was dis-charged only 2 weeks ago. The abrupt action taken by my dr was a result of learning that I had my injection which she was totally against until I had been dis-charged from hospital.

Things have smoothed out never-the-less since and my life has taken dramatic leaps for the better. I feel more content within and things that I expect to get me down don't.

Now I have to wait till January to get onto HRT which I cannot wait for and have already made changes to my life and now living in a full-time roll.

Will report more on how things prgress as they do.

xxxx Michaela

I Wish

I wish I could put into words how I am feeling right now.
Numb doesn't fit the bill nor does sick.

You see yesterday I had the worst news going from my Mum and my thoughts are with her right now until I can get to England to see her.
This is all adding more and more pressure to me and I know that sounds selfish but is true. Playing the waiting game and the treatment that she has to go through is bad enough but if her treatment works or not is the thing that I can't handle.
I'm babbling here but my mind is really in a spin and cannot focus at all.

Anyway I'll leave it there for now

The final sunset

As the sun nestles itself between the trees, bringing a radiant glow to the symphony of trees that for the past six months I have been an audience to, I say my final farewells.
For tomorrow I venture on up the road to pastures new. I remaniss the times had here both good and bad and remeber the wonderful friendships that have blossomed.
Such friendships carry through for the rest of my life and into my journey and beyond.
I remember the times of pain and suffering and how this all came to be, the fight for freedom was to liberate myself from my inner demons.
Alass, I shall not be leaving this wonderful place as the ghoust of my menories linger on.
Six months on and I've learned so much of lifes trails and woes. I have conquored my fears and reached the highest point of where I wanted to climb. Althought the climb was not without it's challenges, I stand up high and look out at the view I have and shout rejoice from the top of my voice.
For tonight we live and love in peace.

I kinda got a bit sentimental and thought of this as I was walking the doglets around the field.
The last few days have seen many changes as my little saviour and close friend has too moved onto pastures new. Vindi, my little bull calf went to auction yesterday and last night I had a tear in my eye. A tear of sorrow and of joy as I hope he does well too in his new life. Tomorrow I head a long way up the road. Ok it's only just up the road about 4km to my cottage that is going to be my permanent home and little sense of tranquility.

A mixture of events

It's been a while but I thought I'd better report here on what is happening and more to the point that I am still alive ;o)
The last few weeks have been manic with setting up a website, web forum and chat room for the support group My friend and I are starting soon. I found like with my gender issues that talking online was a big help and especially as the embarrassment of trying come to terms with something thhat had escallated out of control, helped me find my feet and who I really was.

For that reason alone I am trying to promote anyone that has any pending conditions to sign up to the forum and have a restricted section that I can assign to certain users to chat 1 to 1.

Apart from that I was also on tour for an organisation I'm involed with for their elections campaign. That was head wrecking as I did something like 1'500km in 4 days and that is way above the average tour I ever did.

After getting home from the tour, my friend was having grief from his wife about me being in the field and her fears were that I was going to claim squatters rights. Well I think my friend did a wonderful job in trying to persuade her but to no avail.
I decided that it was time to move on and have found a 2 bed cottage that I move into next week. It's still in the same area which is great as I still have a certain amount of isolation crossed with the beauty of the countryside at my disposal.
I need space and the mountain of clothes has gotten out of hand these last few months so guess what I'll be doing when I first move in?

Oh and I can't forget the doglets. Well I wish i could as they are a menacing reminder to me 24/7. They are giving me so much freedom and enjoyment it's unreal. Now 11 weeks they are due for their jabs next week so can get them on a lead and go walking. This is not really a good plan for someone transitioning as they are so adorable I can imagine everyone admring them.

On the darker side, I've been hit back with anxiety attacks and for no reason whatso.
These little buggers are quite sharp and need controlling which I'm trying to do with a positive attitude.

Anyway duty calls for now as one doglet is grizzling to go out

The patter of tiny feet.

And it has to be said, the splatter of distruction. Two cuties have come into my life recently and has made the world of difference to me as I share in thier playful lives.
Spot and Molly are both 9weeks old and Spot being the first to takeup residance as an adopted son and the offer of Molly just couldn't be refused.

My friend had gotten Spot and as his family didn't know had left him overnight in a rather cold and damp house that is no-longer occupied but only for a small dog that is gaurding the place. Well on seeing this little fella I could not refuse but to say that I would look after him until the time come that my mate could persuade his family that he was having a dog again. Well if that day never comes I will only be too happy to care for the both of them.
Watching them running about the field and playing is amazing in itself and reminds me of the life that I had been denied. The freedom of it all these days is so invigerating and knowing that I have a reason to live, to get out of bed at un-earthly times of the morning and to know that I have someone to care for.

A diversion towards motherly instincts

Just over a week ago after the dust had settled with my trip to Dublin, which was a success may I add, I took in a lodger in the shape and form of a little 7 week old pup. Well he has been nurtured and loved just like a little baby and was told at my last meeting just gone that this is my nurturing instincts showing through. Well since then I've taken in his sister the reason being that the first is actually my friends dog whos wife does not know as yet. So I've taken a shine to this little fella and thought long and hard since and decided that I need my own little companion too.

It was something that I hadn't planned yet has been the making of me, excelling me further back into contentment and happiness.

They both seem settled at the moment and because they are from the same little get on great and is fun to watch the two of them playing instead of my poor little fingers and hands being bitten.

As to my transition, well things are going well and getting there as planned. I'm not just being kept busy with the doggies but also have lots going on with studying and life in general which is totally different to last year, so I guess that I'm not really thinking too much about it but just getting on and doing stuff.

A flight of nerves or just feeling low

Tomorrow is the day of all days, the long journey early in the morning and the treck across a city just to get the news that all my life I've been waiting for!

It is the treck to Dublin to see my gender psychologist and I have been feeling somewhat poor all day.
Not sure if it's nerves or what but the thought of going through this all agin, dragging up the painful past all seems too much for me to bare.
I've slept for most of the day barring going out when a friend called to me. That in itself was fortunate as the black thoughts that I have kept at bay were back wit a vengance.
I now find myself deeper and deeper questioning myself and the way forward.
Do I want to carry on or go back to the misery I have always known.
Something for a nice open discussion tomorrow I guess.

Ch ch ch changes.....

I'm in play mode right now and have decided to make some changes to my blog. To give it a fresher more appaling look ;o)
Anyway as to life, well it was challenging yesterday as I walked up the road to get some shopping. I've become so unfit over the last year and was in a bath of sweat just thinking about the walk up the road and was completely shattered on the way home.
All I have been doing these past few months is sleeping and trying to get each day out of the way. Now though I have a multitude of challenges to get fit, loose weight and quit smoking before I start HRT which all have a meaning to get on with now.

xxx Mikki xxx

Now things are flying :o)

It has been a landmark week so far for me. Something that I had only dreamed of as on Tuesday I got the news of my long awaited appointment to see the gender psychologist in Dublin which set me on a high but also yesterday saw a nice little payment due to me. For this I invested in a much needed laptop as fir over a year mine died and was running off my PDA which was great but had it's restrictions.

Even yesterday afternoon was brilliant as my power scource was not availible and headed into town to a local pub for charging the batteries on this little machine.
Ofcourse I indulged in a few pints of Guinness and knowing what could happen with my mind after taking alcohol, took my chances as I had this warm feeling on being able to deal with any situation.
Well I had a good time of is and had no morbid thoughts whatsoever. This morning I felt a little rough around the edges but have gotten over that now.

Anyway I have just over a week until my appointment in Dublin and cannot wait to get onto the next rung of the ladder :o)

xxx Micky

Tears

I'm in a world of my own right now as piece by piece things fall into place.
Today has sparked a landmark event of my life as it was confirmed that i have am appointment to see the gender psychologist next week. Is this really happening to me and can i live my life after all?
The events of last year have colored my life forever and finally i can get on with accepting the changes i'm already making. It does though seem very un-real at the moment but sure it'll sink in.

The conflict within still lingers on.

Troubled times have come & past but despite the harsh living conditions these past few weeks, I've been in good spirits & enjoying my new start to the year & the prospects that await me.
Still though the monster within still lurks, waiting for a chance to raise it's ugly head again & so far I've managed to keep it at bay but somehow, over the last few days I've felth that warmth of content drain once again leaving me with a sick sensation within.
I do however, have no notion of going back to the way things were last year but have also the knowledge that things in my life have changed & there is stuff I am unable to do & things I cannot partake in.
My life has been left a blank canvas, awaiting an artist to come along and start crafting the master-piece of my new world.

Since the start of this new year & new life, I've had to deal with harsh reminders of my mis-fortune throughout 2009 & memories have flooded back to me from the extreme situation of 2006, something I have rarely spoke about and will remain a chapter & verse of my trials & suffering that remains closed until such times I can deal with them.

Much rides on this year to get me kick-started back on to the road to recovery. The first is making contact with the psychologist I've been longing to contact.
In his recent letter, he was away for his christmas break until the 19th of this month which is tomorrow.
Hopefully now I can get the much deserved treatment I've so longed for in my life & move forward once again. But for today only I reman in limbo with no real emotional feelings what-so-ever.

As the artic takes it's toll

For a country with normally higher rainfalls & milder temperatures, we have been hit hard by the artic conditions that have swept across the country.
Temperatures have fallen to -11°c which I had to brave as my heating system froze. It was a challenge but made it and have now a system in place of thawing my gas by means of running the car with the blowers on.
This weather has certainly proved useful to some of my old jackets I used to wear in my past existance as every attempt to secure warmth is priority.

Even the animals find it difficult with the deer heading to populated areas searching for food.
My beloved cattle too have been finding it tough as the field is mainly ice & frozen snow. Ok they get fed well, infact better than me sometimes as travelling out is difficult.

Even with the sub-zero conditions, I feel inside like a warm sun-drenched beach as I continue to claw back my sanity from rock bottom as it was last year.
I feel content within and that is all that matters.
I'm not going over old ground trying to find solutions but getting on with a new life. But deep down in my heart I wonder if this is true as I dreamed so long and so hard of one day waking with all male traces gone.
If it is but a dream, then I shall enjoy it as long as it lasts.
Still it must be reality a I have made applications for a training courses & placements with all parties concerned knowing of my gender status.

All seems to be a step in the right direction :o)

After a bad start to the year....

New years celebrations didn't go exactly to plan as the past week have proven challenges beyond expectation.
Firstly the freezing conditions have taken their toll as temperatures plummit to -5°c on average of an evening. That crossed with being stuck without power & heating on the blink with gas bottles freezing all made my living conditions pretty bleak.
I felt quite rightly depressed at spending long cold nights snuggled under the duvet, but the sun shone yesterday as I restored power & started getting things back on track.
The power failiure was a result of frustrated cows nibbling the leads between my car & the van and a very flat car battery connected to the secondary point on the van gave me intermittent heating when there was a bit of power.
Still, all told I survived.
Yesterday after copious amounts of insulation tape I got up & running again and started about charging my lifelines to the outside world, phone & pda.
When I powered the phone I thought all credit had been used but was still able to use skype for calls to family & friends to let them know I was ok.
Well things got better on checking my balance & a concerned call to customer services, being told I had €50 free credit & that my plan had been updated with my internet to €9.99 per month as opposed to the €25 I had previously been paying.
All in all I'm one happy bunny as I have also got money coming to me for a heating allowance backdated to September last year.