Getting my head around things

It has been a tough few months for my little brain to get around, what with moving back to shared accommodation from the peace and tranquillity of my own place. However I have to look at the financial aspects of the whole thing as I have said many times in the past.
Things for me though seem to have become stagnant as I am neither moving forward or back and that has gotten me a bit frustrated over the past few weeks, so much that I had become in-tolerable around people close to me and came to realise this last night while sat there alone doing some thinking.
I am not sure on why this has happened or what the future holds in store for me but rest assured that I am not going to dwell on the point.

Now as we move forward towards Christmas, this is another time of great sadness thinking of my late father and all the good times we had together. I am going to try hard to get across to the UK to see my mum and spend some time at the grave-side of my dad on Christmas day and the other is to be able to catch up with relatives and old friends and of-course cannot forget that social aspect of going down the pub ;)

I'm back (kind of)

Jeepers, well it's been a while since I have tapped keys but the lappy is back in the land of the living JUST!.
Dear god where to begin or where to go from. Well it has been a confusing couple of months at least yet time is moving on and so am I in all my gracious beauty. It has not been easy by any respect but now have a window of opportunity open for a few month more at least. ;)

Life support

There is still life in the old dog yet but I think the days of my laptop are numbered :(
After much trying to revive my somewhat broken USB port I have finally got the machince back connected to the internet.
So for the past few days I have been on the PDA which has been so annoying as I cannot post here off that thing.

Anyway after my last post I have moved again back to the house I was in earlier this year and my padded cell :(
It was worth many sacrifices as I can afford things towards my transition now and not forking out on rent all the time. At least I have my own little privacy with the motorhome and the plus is that I don't get disturbed by any of the housemates as none of them talk to me.

Well it seems that like I have been taken for a ride again by friends as they all around here seem to give me a wide birth, even my own mother cannot be bothered to phone me these last couple of weeks and I sure as hell am not going to go chasing them.

Well lets hope and pray this thing can hold out for a little longer.


xxxx Katy

The good old times

I have been looking back through photos taken over the past 2 years and feeling somewhat sombre as to what I have achieved and realised it has been a lot but I am more alone and unhappy now than I was back then. I have decided that I m going to knock this on the head and go back to the life I had before. Well lets sleep on it anyway.

And there was me fretting

For the world is a strange place so it is.
One of the blogs I read here and one of the contributors to my well-being and sanity had her own situation whereby I could relate and offer kind sympathetic words. It brought back the time that I was in a similar situation with my late father (god rest his soul.) That sudden chill that runs down the spine of being told bad news is enough to make anybody crack. Well my thoughts and prayers go out tonight for the family and especially the father that makes this wonderful girl so happy and proud.
It is times like this when we all come together, as strangers pass like ships in the night, but I feel I have a few true and honest friends that I can honestly call friends.

It really was not that bad.

I had a surprise yesterday as I went off to collect my pension. What I thought was going to be disaster turned out to be ok and they did backdate my pay. The job front is still looking bleak but hey ho I am happy just to be here and by myself which with every day that passes I could never imagine it to be any other way.

This is where life gets all bad and I feel suicidal

It's been a start to one of those weeks where I could not fight my way out of a paper bag and little things have become to niggle me again. Well after the events of yesterday, the week has got progressively worse with the landlord coming around tonight to collect the rent and not having it until 2 weeks time.
Well things have changed within and felt a bit down for a while but have figured out what to do and how to go about it.
It would have been times like this that I would have gotten into a frenzy and panicked like hell
and wanted to have ended it all. Well now I am housebound with no work and no money but can be me.

The stark reality of it all.

It hit me this morning as to why I have gotten down these last few days. It was that knock at the door and as I opened it a rather drowned looking postman was stood with a letter in his hand. "Does Kathryn Kelly live here?" he asked I replied "yep she does" and then we went onto saying how bad the weather was as he handed me my letter. Inside was the documents I requested from the deed poll section in the UK and then it all came flooding to me. This is it, I thought and my heart started to race. The dreams I have had for all these years are finally becoming reality, but what if I wanted to carry on living that dream?, what if I was to wake up in the morning and this was all really a bad nightmare? can i really cope with what could be a very lonely life in addition to the one I already have?
These were questions that have been and still are flooding through my head about a fantasy turning into reality. Will there be a happily ever after for me or will I still be see as the Ogre that everybody hates and wants to harm?

Right now I am confused as to what is really best. I have no real friends here and those that I have are only holding on because they think that this is a passing phase of my life.

Get over it girl

Ahh come off it, the sun is shining and all seems to be getting back to normal. Well what ever that may be.
In typical style and fashion today I decided to wash the car as it has not been done in ages, as it being a Sunday and all. Well as unpredictable as the weather is here, I decided to stick the awning up on the side of the van so that the car can stay dry and that I can polish it. Well in doing so I always do something stupid and sliced my finger. Sill moo!
But nevermind I will live :)

Hitting the lows again

I have had a few good months of gaining strength and living the life that I so long had been denied however over the last few days I have found myself getting increasingly more depressed. The thoughts that this is not some flash in the pan thing and has been with me and will remain to be with me is disturbing.
I have spent the last 9 months battling to get to this ledge where I am now and can see another uphill struggle to get out there and show the world who I rally am.
The other day I slapped on some foundation and felt really good but then looking in the mirror again I realised that I am still a guy wearing female clothes and that there was visible traces to link the to together. But still this has to be the hardest time right now of wanting to break free but not being able to as these features still show through.

Mundane and boring

I am not sure what it was about my statement yesterday which I will not even mention, but seems like the dust has settled and get a few glitches from time to time. It was probably flicking across the different forums and getting stuck with the same picture in different languages of a person who had doubts over their transition.
Now the dust has settled for me, I find no real big thrill or excitement of wanting to be female anymore as I am living that life. Of course there are still little tweeks to be made here and there and as I was told by my GP recently that it is going to be a hard up-hill struggle for me as my liver is still coming to terms with all the alcohol it has had to deal with over the years. Well taking that advice I headed for the pub to celebrate :) yep typical fashions and yet I did not know what or why I was doing it. Cash for me is scarce right now and the prospects of getting work somewhat seem light years away. Well I am going to struggle on the best way I know how and deal with it because that is the only way to get through this last hoop of my health and alcohol abuse.

Last night I decided for a cosy fire and a can of coke and coffee. It was a wonderful evening however was spoilt by a cat fight I got into over on the angels forum. Having gained strength I tried to advise someone of their pitfalls but the advice fell on deaf ears. I left it at that and went back this morning with what I think is a diplomatic response.

I have seen the direction in which i was going and it is ugly. That right there was a big wakeup call for me as never again do I want to be in that situation.

Waking to wish this was all a dream

Ok it is the first low I have had for ages and has been fairly short lived. I just got on with life in the usual slubbourn way that I know how. I do wonder though about others that are travelling this road as one of the girls that I have become quite close to recently has gone off the rails and is leaving the signs of self-destruction but not listening to a word of what anybody says. It has got my back up and have decided a break from trans sites for an un-specified period. :)

Late learner

I consider myself to be behind in the practicalities of every day life as a female. Most girls start playing with makeup at an early age but for me was more a case of playing with mates and not doing the girly things I should have done. Well so much for history but it is not all so simple. I have spent many years fighting against myself and hiding away my femininity from public view or so I thought that I was doing a good job, but you know it's hard to be something that your not and act in a manner of how people expect you to. Well it has taken a long time but alas I am moving from strength to strength and learning fast as i progress.
Well recently I have been playing about with foundation and after a few attempts and products later have found that this process comes pretty natural to me. Call it female intuition if you must but that is the way I am looking at it. Not overdoing stuff and just about the amount of basics that take away that ugly face that I have had staring back at me for all these years.

A walk under the moonlight

It's moments like this that have to be savoured, as for tonight whilst walking home under the starlit skies I was besotted by a sight that I had only ever seen in films and something I thought that I would never see was a shooting star flying across the sky in front of me.
Shivers were sent down my spine but I felt something so special as I continued my walk along the darkened road towards home, the sense of awe and comfort for a sight that I shall probably never see again.
Helped along by the song of the running rivers and dry leaves being blown across the road behind I danced along like a little school girl having never sensed this force of freedom that for so long has been held so deep, alas I can start to see some shape forming within the life that I have so longed to become mine.

For the sake of sanity

It for reasons that I cannot explain as to who, why, where or what made me the way I am and for a number of years I had been tearing myself apart with the turmoil surrounding who I was, Why was this happening, where I was going in life and what could I do about it.
The answers were never met and strangely enough I declined the fight against myself and the torment that I had put myself through all these years to realize that over the horizon a new day was about to dawn but I just had to get there.
It was a feat that took great courage and emotional breakdowns but I battled on and made it to that ultimate destination. Now whilst trudging down this road and getting knocked back in many ways I am took on-board some newly found skills of control, respect, strength, inner peace and confidence. These took a while to juggle about with to get them all working together in harmony which is something that I had never possessed before, it was like learning to walk all over again and learning to speak in a language that for so long I had never understood. Yet part of me was determined to de-cypher this code into the meaning of life itself, the reasons to be happy with who I was and make the changes towards being the proper me.

Waking to a grey Saturday

The skies around look full of emotion once again as a typical Irish autumn creeps into action.
The summer for what we had gone and now a distant memory likewise with the prospects of earning and saving grace for the harvest season.
Armed with sanity and a heart full of joy I ponder over how I am going to make my next crust as the nestegg and fortune are tied up in material possessions which I am inclined not to sell as this could be my security for the future.
I know over the coming months that things are going to be difficult but it is a case of batten down the hatches and ride the storm of this horrible credit crunch thing. I must be fortunate in that respect of not having too much in the way of debts however it would have been nicer to have made more hay this summer to store away for these cold winter evenings that are lurking around the corner. But fear not as the wild winds blow, I can sit safely in the comfort of my home and wait for those dry days to come again.

KJK

My day is coming soon to a street near you

The encapsulation of this ugly caterpillar in nearing an end and the light at the end of the tunnel nearly reached. For each and every day that passes now I grow stronger and more confident to get out there on the streets and show those people the true me.
I must admit that recently I made a few drunken purchases to which I have no regrets and still needs more in the way of clothes. I think this was building up in me for a number of years as i was denied so much as a child and now I don't have people watching my every move can express myself more freely.
The only hurdle I need to get over right now is the application of makeup but that takes time and practice like everything else. I now look and feel more like the woman I should have been and feel so comfortable in the clothes that I wear and feel more in tune with my female senses. Well as much as things need to be sorted out on the work front, I am making the most of now and have plans for the coming week to sort out my benefits which will then be followed by another little treat of getting my ears pierced. Everything seems to be falling into place and the negatives have definitely been left behind.
I feel now that I can look back at the past 9 months and reflect what a tough time I have had but revel in the moment that I have gained the strength to accept myself fully and have made the effort forward to change things to how they should have been.

It has been a long and costly lesson to be learned and nearly on many occasions cost me my life. Well if anybody wants to question me now I am more than happy to answer without being fuelled by booze or anything else that held me back.

Welcome back

It has been a while since I have posted here, but that is mainly due to my last assignment and problems with the internet, fuelled by not really knowing what to say or post.

Well it has been a time of highs recently but with troubled times ahead as work has been cut short. I have therefore made the most of being myself and going out and buying more clothes ;) and had a comment passed the other day that "she was a very lucky and special woman" to which I just smiled as my stuff was packed into the bag.
It seems to get harder though at this stage to go back into any kind of male mode stuff but made the sacrifice for my last mission. Now all I want to do is just to be myself and cannot believe that this day has finally come that the changeover is about to take place. Well not exactly going to be an instant thing as I have found the daily stuff like makeup a bit of a challenge but with a bit of practice surely things will come right. It is also the attention to detail that is coming together too hair, clothes and such and I can claim never to be the kind of person to be fashion conscious but now this development in the is taking place find that what I have been lacking all these years as a plastic male is the inability to choose clothes that I feel comfortable in and makes me feel special, well all that is changing.

I feel more femanine now than I ever have done and I know that once I start HRT that things will start to change. Well one of my main concerns was breast growth and after wearing my in-fills for the past couple of weeks I now have this urge for breast augmentation.

Anyway, enough ramblime for me ;)

Katy

Another bright sunny day

Another bright gorgeous day emerges here in the south Kerry countryside and I sit here with a difference today. Well I confess to getting totally drunk yesterday but hey it has been a long long time since I have done anything like that as I kind of relish in myself and enjoy my own company these days ;)
Well I have to confess that I realy do not know what I am talking about here :) but whilst in town yesterday I set myself a few goals which I met. Comments were passed between me and the cashier which probably left her feeling more embarrassed than I. Well it was that trek home feeling kind of nervous as one does as to if my wares would fit or not. I cannot say that I am a great fan of dressing rooms and as good as a judge that I am it all did. The next part of my little inner challenge was to get some hair dye which I have so desperately been needing and again in true un-deterred charm and spirit made my purchase. Well that was me taken up last night and the hair kinda looks good this morning however when I want to go a shade lighter I now know what else to be asking for.

So it has boosted my confidence somewhat more now and over the last few days since I have been sat here with no internet connection I have been relishing in my new life that is evolving and thinking about the next steps. Well I still have a little way to go yet before I make it off the drive and into real life but right now my confidence is just so that I am happy to live my life as a female and gets very depressed and down when I have to go back to the dark side. It is some comfort to know though that I can still feel "girly" even when wearing a shirt and also think that part of me shines through a little more now.

Ok enough drivel from me for the mo. :)

xxxx Katy

The heavenly pursuit of happiness

Well today armed with some cash and a little moral support from what I had previously done I headed into Tralee......... Oooo no make it Killarney for some shopping. Well the aim was to buy a pair of jeans and a skirt along with a few tops. Well not according to plan I did buy a skirt and a pair of jeans but the skirt was a tartan mini-skirt which I have always wanted. Now I loom like a right little princess and with the newly dyed hair also makes me look like a battery from one of those duracell ads ;)

Ok it has been a while since I have been here but had lack of funds and no internet connection but now am back for at least a month or so :)

Another beautiful autumn day

After somewhat of an early start with a coughing fit I decided to venture back to the duvet and get a few more hours beauty sleep. Having pulled back the curtains to reveal what is going to turn out to be an absolutely wonderful morning I feel somewhat up-lifted inside.
The little rut that I have been in over the last few weeks has nearly tipped me back on track and has made me realise just how wonderful life is with the basics of stuff.
Another setback that I have survived and thoughts dwindling as to anything self harm although it has been in the back of my mind but thankfully as I was for 32 years and those thoughts you can fight against and keep locked away but not the true person that you are.

These last few days I have been with a typical bunch of blokes and they have realised that there is something different with me as conversations over women were fully blanked. Now the tone has changed and a little respect has been shown. It's amazing what eye contact can do when you give a hard stare through a person. :)

It's so strange though that the healing time for me within has been the foundation I need to build the rest of my life around. No longer looking for the lavish lifestyle just a modest existence with a few luxuries her and there and a few nice girly nights out. Well it takes time I suppose and better to be confident with the walk before you start to sprint.

Anyway I must go and get myself ready for work. I have a good excuse this week with the cold that I cannot wear anything tight to my neck so smart stuff is out in favour of more neutral stuff ;)

Well I never thought the day would come.

Totally stressed today as i was let down with the crucial payment for my rent and I had left a note on the door saying to my landlord that I would be home at 8:30. Well I have just got back and about 5 mins later my landlord knocked the door. I explained the situation and he is such a sweetheart and can fully understand my situation. Well that is not the best of it, I was going to call by the pub for a pint as I am stressed and decided not to and to keep my money :) well it just goes to show that my drink problem is more than under control.

Being torn between doing a job and typical male talk

Shag, screw and you can imagine the rest as I drive 18 men around on their golf tour. Of course they see me as male and trying to get me engaged in the conversation I just seem to smile or walk away. Ahhh but never mind it is only another 3 days left.

Can you do this for me.

I had a flood of calls from both my previous employers yesterday asking if I could cover work from Thursday on. Sure I says, but needless to say that I am no-longer employed by you I am looking at "this" amount for the job. With a big sigh and Ok I have got the work. I also have a cunning plan for next year that I can be myself and do the job I enjoy under the presence of my own employment terms. I have agreed to cover work for a company who require relief drivers and have said that primarily I could do the work myself but might need other drivers too ;)

Well it is a lovely day here and am about to get ready for another drive around the gracious Ring of Kerry. Armed with a cold I will do only but my best.


xxx

Just when you think that things could not get worse.

They actually get better. I have had a lot of suicidal tendencies over the years and the recent down-turn in my employment sector with the prospect of a gloomy winter made me feel not low but cautiously optimistic with what happened last year. Well today as it still is right now saw doom and gloom turn into something worthwhile. Not going to say too much but my recent bad repression and the counselling that has taken place since told me that there is not a way to end it all but a way forward and to carry on however bad it gets..


Nite xxxx KJK

Well it's to hell with the lot of it.

I wake this morning and rearing to go for another spin around the Ring of Kerry :( I have decided that with al that is facing me, they can take away my cash but not my sanity. :)
I have survived before and will again. This time though will give me the chance to do it as me and not some male thing that I felt compelled to act as all these years.

I spoke to my mum the other day and again spoke of the hard times ahead and yet never a mention from her about paying me anything of the money I lent her in 2006. Well that is the last I would ever see of that, but hell it makes for a brighter future and something more to fight for.

I have not spoken to my mum for ages about GID issues and it still amuses me when she refers to me as her son. I have also given up trying to correct her with the more neutral "My Child" thing too.

The sign of bad times ahead

The credit crunch is really kicking in right now here as a total cockup over the weekend has left me broke. Well it is times like this that I would have started to panic like hell and must admit that it did disturb me a fair bit but nothing that cannot be sorted out. Anyway it is just nice to be here and be myself :)

Anyway on a lighter note, today is about the only dry day we have had all summer and took the opportunity to get out there and do some work to my motorhome as she has gotten a little grubby recently and since I have moved, have not really had the heart to clean her out inside. A major task at and as much as lots of people fall in love with her, she is like any lady of being high maintainance in the vanity department to look her best.


Well tomorrow I am off for a day trip around the Ring of Kerry and again on Wednesday. This is the little bts of work that are keeping me afloat right now. I have applied for a number of jobs and was disappointed that I did not get any calls today so might have to push a little harder to get what I want. ;) This is a girl who is going forth and being dominant to get what she desires. But in a good way of-course :)

And what was all that panic for?

My landlord has just called around for my rent and I explained the situation to him and he has agreed to come back on Friday evening so hopefully I can get stuff sorted between now and then.
He seems a sweet guy, your typical country farmer type :) Well around here most of them would be ;)

Waking to a new life

There was more to the events of yesterday than I really let onto. Apart from an industry that I enjoyed many a year at I also got news that the humble home I so grew up in has had consent to be pulled to the ground and re-built. It seems that my mother holds that place closer to her than what she is making out but for me is another cycle of the chain of changing events that is taking place. I had this in a dream as a child and like many of them have over the course of time come true. One of my dreams has hit me more though in the last few seconds and that is of sitting there in my livingroom and looking out over a hill or mountain to which I should be doing right now but the skies have filled and spewed more of that wet stuff to the ground :(

So last night before I went to sleep, I kinda floated around the place I called home for many years and felt that sense of calm that this haunting place was to be no-more and the rising of a new life in 2 totally different countries set my encouragement further.

Thoughts were streaming through my head this morning about my late fathers funeral and ironically now have just realised that it was this exact day and date but a few months difference that we laid the poor chap to rest. Saturday the 13th Feb 1999.

It is also in my head to write to my brother as I have not spoken to him for over 12 months now and after our last interruption he decided in his wisdom to change his mobile number.

Today I am looking at a bit of shopping in Tralee, mainly to find out about a job that I have in mind, but to also put into practice of what I have feared right until recently. I am after a few tops to set myself away from the inbetweeny stuff I bought last year, but have to be careful as rent is due on Monday and this is my last source of cash until I get into work again. Ahhh the joys of it all and who said life wasn't fair ;)

It's all finally gone

13 years of an enjoyable industry has now came to an end and the future now is untold and trying to maintain a life that I should have had so many years ago. I have my application for a job in the shop down the road and my ex-boss has been great and is helping me out with trying to get some evening work to boost the income a little more.

Well unlike the majority of the girls I have come across over on the Angels forum, I want a total new life and career to go with it and now that is happening. I cannot believe that if you just lay back and let what will be happen that things can go so well and not let fear and denial get the better of you.

All it takes now is to clear my debts and book the appointment across the water and hope to get started on HRT and then to get on with my life the way it should have been intended.

The dark ages

As much as I am trying to get my life back on track, I still find myself cast into the dark ages when it comes to communication with the outside world. As I never watch television or read a newspaper I tend to forget what is happening in the outside world and conversation with mortal people can become boring :( I also have recently found myself so wrapped up within my own feelings that this becomes a topical conversation whenever I am out amongst friends. Well now I am living in a place where very few people recognise me having such a condition and I am not in the process at the moment of divulging who and what I really am, I try to socialise as much as I possibly can and in a capacity that I can handle.
Last night I went out to get some food and as it was a bit late decided on a quick drink across the road in the pub. Again I have the once over from another bar maid that had never met me before but as the locals started speaking to me these stares become smiles and quite relaxed.
It's strange though how previously I would get all paranoid over such events as if they were trying to suss me out and that paranoia would lead to me fidgeting. Now though I don't really care. I can imagine that most take me on face value and there are others that have read deeper knowing I am different to most natal males. The feeling I used to get by people distancing themselves is long gone. It is for this little boost of confidence in me that I feel makes a different person within.

I am interested that when the time comes and I get a little more known, I might start to open up about the changes that are taking place within myself and the eventual changes to my specifics that I am so longing to loose ;)

Sorting stuff out

When I first came to Ireland all I had literally was the clothes on my back. Well 12 months on and a job of living out of a suitcase I have accumulated quite a lot of tat (male stuff that is.) Now the lights have gone out on my career of driving and the prospects run deep of a new job where uniform is provided I have no need for this clobber any more :( and have decided that for the moment I am going to stuff it all into my suitcase and see what happen over the coming months.
It is this sense of the unknown that makes my life tick right now. Scary stuff but exciting too at the prospects of being me in full capacity. I have decided though not to say too much to my potential employer just yet as I am not looking into FT until the technological advances are showing their signs of improvement to my body ;) Ok as weird as this seems, I feel I can live "in-betweeny" mode until then.

These things happen for a reason

It was agreed yesterday that the better idea for me right now is to sign on benefits as there is no work around right now. Well I sat there all day the other day thinking that I had no money when if fact my dear boss had paid me. Well I took myself down to the local store for some provisions and got chatting to the girl behind the counter. As luck happens they are looking for staff which is the type of job I had in mind so am currently drafting up my CV.
I have to get into town today for a few bits for the printer and might even have a little shopping spree for Katy's needs.

Is this where I get all depressed again?

No work, no money, not much in the way of food either, but hell I have had a wonderful day relaxing and doing household chores, also taken a few piccies too :)

I can only imagine what I went through not only a month ago, but have gotten that much stronger recently and the therapy sessions I have been having have really helped this time.
It has brought me back to reality with a big bump


P.S. Yes alas this is me, I have also used this piccies for my avatar over on the angels forum. Just waiting for comments of censorship of the photo ;)

The sum of all fears

Well after prompting my boss yesterday I discovered that the job I should have been on today is not happening now, so I have decided to seek other work. I am looking for something permanent and something that can get me out of "bob" mode for good.

The last couple of days since I have been home had been spent in the best and most mundane style of an everyday female as I can as for me it is about the everyday and not the wearing of frocks and glamming myself up, that will come for special occasions as and when they arise. :)

Now comes the next fight, the fight to survive and stay on top. I have been hit back that many times in the past and sure as hell am not going that way again this time.

Living in doubt

My fears are growing as to how much longer I am going to be driving for. It seems that this whole season has been a washout from start to finish as I got back on Thursday from my first tour in over a month and doubts are to weather or not I am off again on Monday. Well it does not really bother me but merely pisses me off that I am owed money and have not yet been paid.

There are other options open to me that I am going to explore either later on today or tomorrow which means that the date for my transition can be brought forward. I am living most of my time as female as I can possibly get these days and as things progress I will hopefully have the courage to venture out into the world.

The countdown begins

It is now 2 months until my proposed transition date. All seems to be flying right now and frame of mind is excited yet fearful as I have never experienced happiness like this before. There has always been this blanket smothering me and anything dear to me has been taken away.
I have been thinking a lot these last few days about the strange sense of awe I have been feeling. Never before but yet it seems that I have always been there, but just a mere memory of a person that I should have been. Well priorities lye with the upkeep of my home and then secondly I cannot wait to get out there again and do some shopping. The bug has bit me but know that I have to be realistic as changes are going to occur with my body once I start HRT.

I think I will stay low-key until changes happen but still have the quality of life I have all but dreamed of. :)

It's now only a matter of time before I burst

This is not one of those depressing posts that I used to make, but another boundry has been met and from here on out there is no stopping me.

It is now only a matter of time to change from the ugly caterpillar








To the transition









To the beautiful butterfly at the other end







Thing is though, as much as I have confessed to not doing much in a girly sense like makeup, well I have to learn and today was another challenge that I rose to buy getting some foundation. Well I am no expert and got the wrong stuff as I think I may need something a little darker, but hey I can practice and look like a dead person for a while :) :)

I am planning to see Jodie at the Boudoir when I come over in November and have a proper makeover and get some advice on how to do things properly, but until then :)

Although in saying this, I look at myself and can see how different I look. I have taken a few photos but hey, they can stay hidden for a little longer :)

Little steps and one big hurdle crossed

I am on a high right now as until this point I had always bought my clothes over the net. Last week i embarked on the local town for a spot of femme clothes shopping but ended up having a panic attack and walked without buying anything. Well today i was on route and made my first purchase of a top. I was as nervous as hell but overcome that fear and now confidence is starting build towards the next shopping trip. :)

A jungle no more

Busy little me has been doing some weeding today out the back :)
Slowly getting to grips with this country life is good and have been reflecting my past back in the UK. It makes me shudder to think on what I had to put up with back there and the copious amounts of junk that I never had the heart to get rid of. Now it is minimal stuff and loving it at that. I still have a vast amount of stuff to sort out here but getting there slowly and now on the last load of washing before I start to iron it all tomorrow evening and Sunday morning.

I am away again on Monday and will be sad to wave goodbye to home which is something I never thought i would be saying, but need to make some money for the winter and have hopefully got a job in the local store but have decided that I need to prioritise my transition first. Most of the locals know about my situation and why I moved here and seem cool but still get all the questions put to me and am happy to answer the best I can. At least they know that I am not some kind of pervert and it seems I have been accepted reasonably well here unlike the bustling town of Killarney.

Domesticated Katy

My attention was drawn today to the reasons surrounding my current situation of desire to change genders. This was during a therapy session for my recent stupidity of trying to kill myself.
Ok when put on the spot it makes you think about the whole situation and what I am really all about. The fact that I have a female mind is bad enough but points were raised about having children and other such issues. Ok so that can never happen apart from if I adopt and there are the other side of things that females have o go through that I will never have the experience of.
In conclusion we have discovered that there is a lot more to this that has been eating me up but the full extent might never be known.

It is nice though that we have come onto this subject that for 28 years now I have suffered in silence with. I spoke of my emotions growing up and realizing that I was different to everybody else nd the trouble I had trying to do those "boyish" tasks that were expected of me in younger years.

Since getting back I have been sorting out the cottage by doing washing and cleaning windows. Call it perks of the job but such tasks have to be done. Have the majority of the the rest of the place sorted and just now working on the spare bedroom and my bedroom to get it just so to the way I want it to be .

Mighty craic

I have been down the local again tongiht to see what they are thinking about a weird person living in their village + I have a drink problem :D

Ok it was mighty there and laughed all the way to the bank. They have accepted me and the changes I am making (or at least most) But that is enough.

Next concerns: Kerry beating Cork this weekend. :D

Another big blow

I know this is a bit late but have spent the day thinking :)
As a plastic paddy and now settled amongst a wonderful community that appreciates the local sports, i have come to grow quite fond of the Gaelic football. Never really like football much when I was in England but this is different. Lots of sweaty guys, harsh, rough and very fast and skilled and also doing it for the love as very few are paid.
Well that is the basic insight but over the weekend we had the semi-finals of the all Ireland between Kerry & Cork the 2 neighbouring counties in the Munster province. Well this is a grudge match to say the least and last year the 2 teams met in the finals in Dublin to which "my" county of Kerry walked the match.
Well again the semi's were played last Sunday and the 2 teams drew, so now we have to endure this all over again this weekend.


The Green & Gold flags are flying all around the place and I am confident to the fact that I have doubled a bet with an ex-colleague evidently from Cork ;)

Well I suppose that I better get into good spirits and get some drinking practice in before hand this time :D

I cannot belive it

With everything that has gone on recently everything has just dropped into place. I ave spoken to a few locals over the last few days and it seems that the village is so friendly and could not give a stuff over my issues. I have found paradise and all that goes with it.
There are other bonuses that I could be in-line for a few part-time jobs which should keep me going through the winter and on into my transition. However these are not in the local village but very close by.
For the first time in my life I feel I have "true" friends right now and not people who want to use me, abuse me and dump me when things go sour.

I have decided for now at least to step back a little from TS related organizations and just float along with what life has to offer as this has so dominated my life over the last 8 months and now need an even keel to look towards if I am going to make it in this life.

Being in the middle

A nice relaxing Sunday morning was shattered by a call for me to work. Ahh but I didn't mind as I was only local and broke the day up. I have been sat here doing the inevitable thinking exercises and can now put all the little pieces together and see how the whole shot looks. For me is about being a middle aged female, working hopefully within the local community store and living life as a female should. Well I am pretty much doing that right now as I have come to acceptance of my true self and got over those questions that blackened my vision up until very recently.
It would be nice to settle down and get married but not hoping too much on that as I don't think there would be many men out there that would want to settle with a girl that had that same status, but there again I might be pleasantly shocked.

Although I have not yet reached the stage where I can start HRT this is the time I need to relfect on the road ahead and not stopping to look back over my shoulder at the past as I have done too much of that rcently. I am expressing myself more in the literal sense and am working now how to base this character that primarily has been me throughout my life.

I have also taken a step back from angels too but keep popping by there to see what is what and lend words of support when I can. This is now about getting used to my female role as much as I can before it actually takes off in November.

Until then xxx Hugs xxx

Katy

The dust has settled and after a few days of relaxing I am enjoying the peace and tranquility of being myself at last again and once more. Things have become different for me now as the journey of my life steps up a gear and I progress towards my new life. However there are setbacks that I have come to endure but nothing that cannot be handled.
Now that life is moving on and me with it, I appreciate the simple things and have come to realize after the dark days of depression that I am still the same person, the same emotions but significantly different and more confident and determined to get what I have been seeking for so long. But in truth for me is not about parading around in a frock and putting on copious amounts of makeup it is about being happy with life an content with the way I am.

My own piece of paradise

Yesterday saw me part with a load of hard borrowed cash in exchange for the keys to my new home. I can finally gain a little more confidence now and hope things can now get under way as to my next part of the journey of my life. I feel so relaxed and comments have been made last night on how happy I ave become.
But even though I have the freedom to do what I want and wear what I want, I am happiest with me pair of jeans and a now grubby white T-shirt :( Ok I have had a lot of cleaning to do but is getting there slowly.

Here she goes

It has been a sad few days here. Oooo not anything to do with what or how I am feeling but reflecting the thoughts of a town that changed my life. Today is the day that everything gets piled into the van and off to pastures new.
I went by the cottage yesterday and fell in love with it even more and just cannot wait to get there now. It's kinda strange how things work out as when I left the UK I thought I would never be having a place I could call home again.
So 4pm sees me get the keys and then a brisk walk back down the road to catch the bus to bring the final bits up and this is where it all begins for my whole transition. Kinda scary thinking about it like that but in short is the truth.

Hope that the internet is accessible up there too. I tried the phone and that seemed to work pretty well, ahh but sure we will sort something out.

xxxx

Well I have really done it now

Phone call from the bank today has confirmed now that I am moving this Friday. I phoned the estate agent shortly after and arranged to meet up and get the keys to my new home. I am so excited and cannot believe now that I can finally be myself in my own home. It is going to take a little time I know to settle in and adjust to my new life but have plenty of it right now.

The persuit for happiness

Up to now this blog has been all doom and gloom about the highs and lows of my journey so far.
i find it amazing how little things are there to lift you back to that pedestal when you fall off and how learning by your mistakes helps with the inner feelings. Right now I just cannot wait to start to live my life as Katy on a daily basis, cooking, cleaning and even going for a stroll. It has been a bigger battle than what many could imagine to get this far, turning dreams of despair into dreams of hope and to be able to come to terms with oneself about the changes that are going to effect their lives.
I have also found that other creative skills have been unlocked during this process too and what could once be a dream of doing something good has turned into reality.
Now I am ready to face the world but ust wait a little longer to do so, shich in all fairness doesn't really bother me. After 28 years of living with this, a few more weeks/months won't hurt.

Well better get ready for the crusade today as I am working at 8:30 and is now 7:20 and have to get the essentials for a day trip. Clothes, camera ooooo and am I forgetting something here. Ahh yes myself.

Byeeee for now. xxxxx

It's back down to earth

After months and possibly years of realizing that something of a social habit has become something of a major issue in my life I finally pulled in the rains and decided to do something about it.
Up to now my transition dreams have been just that. Although in 2006 I did something similar with loosing weight, this has inconclusively got to be the best thing that as ever happened to me.

Tuesday, low and suicidal.

Wednesday, survived an OD attempt and decided to break the ice and attend a TG meeting. Nearly backed out but got a call and thought FEK it. Enjoyed my time there and had mighty craic.


Thursday, same old same old. Hit the pub in the afternoon and drink till the early hours.

Friday. Wakes up, heart racing and thinks sod this I don't need this any more.

Since that day of waking on Friday, I have declined any intake of alcohol into my system. A need so greatly desired to mask and dronw all my sorrows and belive me I have a lot of them right now.
Last night I went off out to the pub and all I drank was J2O and lucozade. However I came home with the same feeling as if I have had 20 pints because I had fun and the atmosphere was good.
And now 3 days into not drinking, I feel better within myself, I am motivated to do stuff away from the house and I have the sense of pride to strut my stuff up the road and get the second glances from people worndering if I am really male or female. Well the dark shadow on the face gives that away, but not for much longer :)

It's a sorry old world

No I am not suddenly hit back with a fit of depression nor have I been on the town. Ok the latter not being strictly true as yes I went into town to meet some guys from the Listowel LGBT group but was graciously reminded that the bar maid in the pub refused to serve me as we had exchanged a few words a couple of weeks ago. A situation that was quickly resolved by the owner the day after the incident occurred so I headed away to drown my sorrows over a glass of lucozade and a couple of fizzy orange drinks. Ahhh but there is always next time.

Something a little more sensible

Sorry to say the last few days, my head has been in the clouds after my meeting on Wednesday night and there seems to be no let-up in the whole situation. Tonight I am off into town to informally meet a group from the Listowel LGBT group who are on their night out in Killarney here. Of course this me going into a pub where i can stress that I will not be drinking anything but j2o or club orange as i have to work in the morning. I am now thinking that the more people from the "community" I meet, the better my chances for that all important confidence boost I need to push me over the top.

Oooer

It's ambrosia... Dats the foerst of dean talk coming out in me there. The last few days have been living hell for me here but I got through it somehow. Yesterday or Wednesday saw me attend a support group meeting to meet face to face Trans people of all stages and me being the beginning part of it all. Well I realized a few things right there. My focal words of wisdom means Jack squat and remains with me. I realized that these people have feelings the same as me and they get on with their lives now. I still have issues to deal with and willbe sorting them within 24 hours. I a, on a fight and don't give a stuff who gets in my way. I am proud to be who I am and that is something I have never admitted to. Fek the rest, Do what you have to do and if those who are so blind well god help them.

So lucky

What would ever possess a person to be driven over the top? Well it can be a number of issues. From my personal prospective it can be a situation that no foresight of ever getting out of, the fear of fear itself or simply a snap in the head at a moments notice. I really thought that the latter was under control but yesterday proved that it is not by a long way.

Over the past few weeks I have been have re-occurring dreams about my dad and problems that I went through back in the UK and decided to talk to someone professional about this and related gender issues. Ok so I came out of there feeling a little more clear in my mind about situations and how to move forward but then had a call from my boss stating that work was going to be slack this month. I immediately started to panic and came home to find a bottle of vodka in my cupboard and decided to start the usual of drowning my sorrows. I had also been recently prescribed some tablets from my Dr to help me relax and sleep better as I had not been sleeping too good recently. So the next is obvious, playing sad & depressing music, crying myself into a state I decided to say good-bye to this world once and for all.

It was about 8pm last night when I was found on the floor by my landlady who was concerned about me as I had told her a few days before that I was leaving the house and moving on. The rest becomes obvious and founf myself being woken up by strangers in hospital. When they had realized that I had only taken a few tablets I was clear to go home. And have been told that in the last few minutes, my blood test came back as not having any alcohol in my system so what the heck was in that bottle? We can only assume that someone else had drunk the contents and replaced it with water :)

I have been told though that the previous weeks drinking has taken it's toll on my body and that I need to do something about this. A case of "do or die" simple and bluntly put to me which sent a shudder down my spine.

So now it is really the fight to bounce back. and get back to some normality before I commence work again.

Another kick in the teeth

On the advice of some of the girls on the Angels forum I decided that enough was enough and to seek advice and professional help. Now parting with all that I had, I have just got back feeling pretty relaxed to fing out now that I will probably not be back to work until the end of the month. This has now undone all the things that have been patched up and I am now sat here crying as I feel my whole life is doomed. Well maybe it is time to think about the escape plans.

A change in focus

Just under a week left until I move. Well hopefully as I am depending on getting back to work to earn some pennies to be able to pay for the whole thing.
I have become increasingly more excited about moving away from this house and town that for the earlier part of this year played a depressing part of my life.

I have so much now to look forward to and cannot wait until the winter to go to the UK to visit a few well trusted friends that have shared my experiences and helped me out. More that can be said for the supposed "friends" that I have here who can only ignore me these days.
After me extravagant spending spree on Friday which saw me make a wonderful purchase of a new camera, I have been kinda broke but hope that the boss will sort out the rest of my wages today.
I think the reason why I went mad was for the bank holiday here last weekend and the fact of booze. Well I still managed to get to the pub and enjoy myself but never spent what I could have if I would have had more cash. It really is a problem for me and I am determined to work around it in my own way.

Well my time off work has not come without it's benefits and drawbacks but have come to appreciate and reflect on what is actually going on in my life. I have also realized that I spend too much time browsing at the gossip going on with internet forums and have taken a slightly different approach to life recently. It does however make for a bit of a pain haing to carry a rain coat and brolley around all the time as the weather is so unpredictable here.

Take a long good look at yourself

Sat there yesterday sorting out my room and all the crap I have accualated recently I realized just what I have been doing to myself lately. Deep down I wish all this could go away but know on the surface that it wont and simply have to bare the changes that I need to go through and this is why I now need to move away and be on my own again. It will be pretty much like before of having no-one round to visit but I can be happy and get on with life and do my studies and work.

I sat there gazing into the mirror and looked deeper beyond what I was seeing, the ugly with-drawn face revealed a more beautiful person this someone I had seen recently and was quite content to live with.
I know that it is going to be an uphill battle to get back to that state and 1 week of heavy drinking can take months of hard exercise and lots of rest to un-do what has been done.

Even down to posting here has been quite a struggle as of late but hope now that things can once again move forward and upwards.

A messed up week

It really has been pretty messed up for me this last week. The prospects of a new home and a fresh start triggered fears of this whole transition sent me into a downward spiral. Having spent the majority of the week in the pub, I decided yesterday tp make a break and go for a round of golf. Fat chance of such as the heavy rain that we have had here recently waterlogged the course, so in good Irish spirits I hit the pub "again" and the session lasted a further 8-10 hours. I ave had enough of this right now as I don't seem to have control over my life and have enlisted on some help. No I am not talking public meetings but to chat to those around me who have also been affected by alcohol abuse.

My train of thought has gone from transition to fighting the condition that has gotten me all these years. The problem being is unlike most of the people I am in contact with, I hate the fact of the person I am and no-longer have the intuition to continue this fight. Lets face it honestly, I was born male with a female mind and the dreams of a life as a female. Ok that part I have gotten to accept, but right now I want to run to the four corners of the earth just to get away from it all, but sooner or later it will catch up with me.
It really scares the hell out of me being left to rot somewhere where in honesty nobody really gives a stuff.

No gossip

Dam it has been a while since I have reported here. Well there has been nothing that interesting happening here lately so I guess I am back to the boring mundane life I always had. That and fuelled with booze most nights really does not help matters either.

I do however keep getting swings in my train of thought towards this whole issue of M2F but that got a bit boring writing one day I'm fine and the next at the bottom of a pit screaming to get out.
I have made a few decisions about dates and time scale for the whole process likewise about career moves and need to give this a shot as I will always been in regret if I never made these changes.

The way things are

The last few days I have been trying to quit smoking. Being a mind over matter thing, I feel that this is going better than anticipated. I have had the odd one or two but nothing major to be concerned over and as all stress levels are right down at the moment I feel I can get over this one fairly easy.

Doing this has also stabalized my mind to GID matters and feel now that I am making some sort of progress. Not much by any means but it all helps.

Today is my day off and I come to realize just the other day that I need 1-2-1 chats with other girls in similar situations. I am heading to Cork today to pop in and see some girls at TENI, the trans network of Ireland. I am also looking for a placement for when I finish the season in order to help me along with my coursework.

So hopefully will have something positive to report here later and hope to get moving a bit more down this long road.

Positive thoughts needed from now

Aside from what was a totally crap day yesterday, the day has arrived that for the next few weeks at least I need to be totally chilled and no stress whatsoever. Not going to say too much right now because it might fail but will report more as the week goes on. Anyway I have me day off today in Galway and after what was a fairly unsettled night due popping and banging outside with the firework display marking the end of the arts festival here, I hope that it is going to be a little quieter to hit the shops. Might buy something but don't hold your breath yet.

Another day over.

It has been a mixed bout of emotions today as I drove into an area where I consider to be spritually mind numbing for me. It is a place where I can let my train of thought go and come out the other side with clear ideas of what I am doing in life. Even ast year before all this blew up it was the place that calmed me after all the turmoil I had in the UK.
Well today was a little different and I was asked by the guide to take a different route. Hmmm not going into too much here as this post is going to be long enough. Ok I had a little acident in the bus which saw another car plough into the back of the bus. We were all ok and apart from a little pride shaken and a nasty dent in the car, exchanged details and got the heck out of there.

My return journey was not as what would usually be planned but never-the-less it was interesting. The vast open landscapes and the sweeping mountains with lakes below blows me away still to this day. I did let a few thoughts go and have come to certain conclusions within my life and the changes that I am making. I feel now that it is best if I start a complete fresh as of November, a new life, a new location and new identity. All that stuff I have worked for in the past will be destroyed just like the other day when i got rid of documents linking me to the UK.
I really must admit doing this kind of thing means that I will loose all contact with friends and family and all those around me who know about my situation. But it is like this at the end of the day. I have lived with this in secret for 29 years why not let the past go and live with that as a secret for the rest of my life.

Another morning.

I awake from what was a little disturbing tantrum of emotions last night just because I could not get my own way. I posted several messages over on the forum and deleted them because I knew in the back of my mind that people would get worried.

I went into town (city sorry) shopping yesterday and surprise surprise passed by so many shops without intention to browse or buy. Looking back in reflection I had a similar situation last year here having a panic attack and loosing my mind as a result. I tend to find crowds too much to deal with and have had this problem for the vast majority of my life.

Well back at the hotel I did the moral thing of getting drunk and felt more low than ever. It got to that stage where I really thought that this was a pointless mission and just wanted to end it all. This must have been the strongest suicidal tendancy I have had since march and went downstairs onto the street for a smoke as I have this balcony outside my room and who knows what I could have or would have done.

It is a split second that snaps and you make that choice. With emotions running high but it does pass belive me.

Well it just goes how weak I still am and need to change course to gain confidence before I jump through the hoop in November. I have set this date and there is no going back now.

Tipping the balance

It seems that I am living on a knife-edge lately. Just one little sway the wrong way sends me into a spiral of devistation. I deleted the last post here under the same heading as I felt low at the time and all this because I could not face shopping in town today. I am wondering right now if I am ready for all of this.

In the middle

Ok swiftly moving on from the last post :)
It is 6:30am and I am sat here in the bedroom of my hotel looking back over the post that I made in the forum last night. Also doing some thinking abut where I have got to so far in this process of change. I really think that the fog has lifted over my vison of the whole transition process and have come to realize that as of November this year I will be stepping from one lifestyle to the other with no mini breaks in between. Rightly when this happens I am looking on "androgy" mode most of the time but in a good way. Recent concerns to my drinking have passsed and loosing weight as a result which I knew that this was the main problem. However I need to start exerises to tone up what once was a major issue for me :)

I now feel ready to mak this change and not even thinking about anything but my work right now and a few other secret girly thoughts running through my mind but they can be a little evil.

The spring in my step is light and not the "thud" of that in male mode and my voice seems to be getting softer again. All that deep vocal stuff I learned over a period of years to try and conceal my true self had become somewhat of a Natural'ish process and is hard to get out of.

I know I promised

Not to talk about work on here but.... I am back in Dublin and another group which seem like sweethearts. I drove up this morning and thoughts were beaming through my mind about my life to date and the future. It looks rosey right now and hope that I do not get anymore knockbacks. Mind in saying this, I got hit back many times with my driving job but was always determined to fight back.

Another new day

Just got to start with this: I was hoping for a day out to Cork yesterday to pop by and see a few girls rom TENI the support group for people like me here in Ireland. Yes there seems to be others like me here too :) Well I was told by my boss that he had deposited some money into my account and thought I might pay the bank a visit. Well it was SHOCK HORROR! I had another €50 in my account and the way things are going here that is a cap full of diesel for a bus trip. :( Ok so I did what I do best when things get a bit like this, head to the pub. I got back around 5:30pm after taking a taxi home and realizing that the races were on here and traffic had stacked back to a vitual crawl in all directions which again at the rates taxis go for these days is not good.

I gets home and retreats to the lounge of my motorhome where I do quality thinking and listen to the radio. Sitting there thinking about why I had hit the pub made me realize that my goal now and before November is to loose weight and this now can only be done by a good diet (tick) and stopping drinking (HMMM!) So it was so ard to come to the conclusion that when I go out now, I enjoy 1 -2 orange juices and have the benefit of saving money and loosing weight. I think someone actually told me that once :)

Ok so plans for today: Sit here and do nothing. (Naaa) I have a load of laundry to do and get ready for the off tomorrow again. Back to Dublin and not sure when I will be back home again. Also got to undergo another laser session but thinking that the results are not being achieved owning to the fact that I catch the sun pretty well sat behind 6" of glass for 8 hours a day. God tha makes me sound like a live exhibit in a gallery. ;)

Ok for the moment anyway xxxx

Back at the laptop

I decided after my last post that I needed some down time to reflect on thoughts of what has happened over the last few months since writing here. That sense of calm has again sweeped over me and after a week without the computer have decided to post here again :)

I find it hard that something that has possessed me for the vast majority of my life and something that I have fear greatly has come to light and i have started opening up to people about my situation. It is like I have been serving a prison term for a crime that I didnot commit. Like a disease eating away at me that I have now come to realize is going to get me in the end. All this and more throughout my little shallow life and now comming to terms with the fact that whoever I present as, people will always look at me as an outcast and I might never fit in. At least now I have the opportunity to see what this life would be like to live on a daily basis.

I have found though that I have become too reliant on the chat forums that initially joined last year. No that is not fair to say as it was problems in 2006 that I started opening up to people. The times of darkness when I was looking for an answer to the problem at the bottom of a glass, the times where people made accusations against me and taunted me and bullied me and there was nothing I could do. The times when my whole life ripped apart and set me across the ocean to my paridise Ireland.

I know there are those out there who have battled similar situations and those like myself who feel alone in this situation and my heart really goes out to them.

The last six months at least has been discovering who I really am and the direction that I need to take to break out of this concrete barrage that has kept me locked away for so many years. I have looked at how that has effected my life to date. I have become stronger in mind now and not afraid to speak out about who I really am. I take no shit from anyone now.

There are still issues surrounding my life that need to be aired, I need to meet like-wise people and talk face to face about their lives and plan on doing that very very shortly.

But most of all I can see that the world will look at me in adifferent light be it male or female and always brand me as an out-cast. I may aswell be happy with myself whatever the situation.

And then it was down that slippery slope

I must admit that this has been a roller coaster of events the last 6 months or so. Just when you think you are on a high or stabilized, then something smacks you right in the face and you feel right back down in the gutter again.
Recently I spoke to my step-father about my situation but it seems since then I have felt low and not wanting to make an effort with anything in life.
I am currently on a week off from work as the hype has cooled off a bit for this month at least. Getting my pay cheque I was going to hit the shops and treat myself, but instead I headed for a few relaxing pints :( This turns into a drinking session from hell that I found myself with no control over and add a bit of bad health and some dodgy food, well to say the least I have not been right since.

I cannot see right now what has driven me so far to this point and have no visions what-so about the future. It all seems like a blur and a dream that I have woken up from.
I think that it is just a case of time before this whole situation takes a turn for the worst and all starts over again.
There are so many that know about my situation from the close knit circuit of my life but not one actually knows the pain and suffering that i have gone through to get to this point.
Ahh well I think the body needs a rest and just going to take it easy for a while. I have seen this situation so many times before and can bounce back just as quick. But honestly in thinking about the whole picture, I am lonely and scared about what the future holds.

Moving on

I have reached this plateau with the changes I am making. At this time and moment I can not move on and know that I have come too far to go back.
Until I get my appointment with Richard Curtis, I feel there is the need to report here when something happens and not to moan about work and other stuff.

I have found the adventure so far pretty challenging and have learned a lot about myself along the way. Now it is time to move on and get other aspects of my life sorted starting with alcohol. It has been the cause of a lot of problems over the years but not as bad as I used to be, however in saying this I am still dependant on the stuff.

Keep looking in as I will report on aspects like my laser sessions and my appointments.

Until then, stay safe and take care.


xxx Hugs Katy xxx

And

So I was saying in my last post just how good a girl I have become. Yeah right!
I ran out of ciggies last night and sloped off down to the bar to get some more, got chatting and drinking and had might craic :) It was nice but however I feel the effects this morning. Oh no not of the booze but feel so tired after the late night. This job of mine can get like that at times which is why I have deicded to call it a day at the end of this year.

Again though, I got chatting about the reasons why I left the UK and nearly blurbed about my situation but nevr did thankfully. People here are interested to where your accent is from.

Having been awake since 6:30, I have gotten into that chain of waking up at the same time each morning. This time I have realized that there is no need to leave until 9am to fetch the bus.

Tuesday is a day of thought that is keeping me going though. This is the day that I get to myself and the prospects of shopping in Galway. I am still pushing myself to browse and make purchases of clothes. I am getting there slowly and an attempt every week or so builds my confidence little by little.
I still find there is little point in buying clothes at the moment but on the other hand is the fact that I need to start my wardrobe off for the fututre.

Saturday night blues

Here I sit in my room with no real interest in going out on the town. Firstly I could not enjoy myself as I am very tired and secondly I want to be one of those girls singing drunkenly :( Hmmm

I have been thinking a lot lately about all this stuff that has gone on and realized that soaking it all up in booze never made the slightest bit of difference. Yes I am after having one pint but slowly sipping at that and will probably fall asleep shortly.
Ok it did bring the issues surrounding my situation to light but no more than that really. People actually thought I was mad by what I was saying and put it down to the drunken state I was in.
I guess now that I have come to my senses a little more now and am looking at a distance learning course that covers amazingly Gender Issues. I am changing my whole life around for the good now and can see how hard but worthwile it could be.

Still taking little steps and no big leaps :)

xxx Katy xxx

Ouch Ouch Ouch

Laser: ouch!
Other hair removal: Ouch
And for the sympathy: Ouch

I have found that laser hurts like hell and plucking hairs is not too bad one by one but from the nose is worse than anything that I have been through until now.
Hey but I think that all these little things might be just worth while and to think that what GG's go through is a little less pain than what I have been through to get this far :) Ok I might just be wrong

Transition.

Ok I have been talking a lot of blurb just lately but hey it has got to be better than the depressing stories of earlier this year.

I am on a high right now and have been told that July is kind of quiet so I can make plans for my first consultation in London and hope that I can soon get onto HRT. I cannot believe that I now feel comfortable with this situation and am prepared to share my feelings. I have been looking back in reflection and wondering where I would have been if I had never joined up with the Angels Forum. Hmmm well I did and this has all been let out. I have become more confident but at the same time still very shy in the company of females. Looking in the mirror these days have become more pleasant and am comfortable with the person that is looking back at me. However in saying this I find the lower regions very disgusting indeed.
I am now able to talk to people without masking it through drink and have gained a healthier lifestyle. These days I would rather just be by my laptop and not sat at the bar. Ok the last post suggests different but I do enjoy a few drinks to unwind in the evening but am aiming to get away from that as it still is a dependence.

Recently I have been bogged down with a cold and have used this to my advantage to loose the weight I recently gained. It is so tempting to take 3-course dinners and fried breakfasts every day.

So if I look back and ask myself abut transition, I think that I have actually become a better person and it has helped my lifestyle.

As to the other side of clothes, I have decided to set myself another set of targets.
I now want to get onto HRT and start making the physical changes before the vanity part of this whole thing kicks in. I have to get people used to the fact that I am physically changing and have always said that the vanity part is just the icing on the cake.

Ok I had better be off to try and shunt the bus from where it is parked :(

Katy's evil little thoughts.

Well here I am in another hotel and another tour. Hmmm ok that's the boring bit out the way.

Once upon a time, there was this person who had a great beaming personality and could bring a smile to anyone that they met. But this person had a secret which nobody knew. When the sun went down and after all the Guinness had been drunk, she felt very much alone and rejected from the world that she lived in.
It was only in recent times that this lass realized just what she needed to do in order to make life what is was intended, kick out bob and become her real self :).

Ok 3 pints of Bud and I can write crap :)

As of late I have been subject to lots of hotels, being a prostitute would account for this or merely a coach driver:) I have some issues that not many of you out in this wonderful world could relate. Is it a man thing, for men invent some of the most stupid things going: ........
Revolving doors: Dragging you case through these can be a nightmare especially when you have a case for bob stuff and a case for the evening "secret stuff" ;)I can manage most things but these type of doors can be a persons worst fear especially when you have to shuffle to get through and realize that at the side is a normal door that you could have just opened. :(

Talking lifts: those things that ask you to select your floor and tells you the direction that you are going and the fact that the doors have just closed.

Old habits

It's kinda funny how the mind works. I have been very conscious lately of eating and drinking habits, something in the past that I have not really cared about. I think it could be put down to the slobberish male nature that we all have to adhere to.
I have cut back on my drinking but had a mad session the other evening, but am quite content to have a drink now with my meal and to unwind but nothing like last year.
Having just gone downstairs for my first cigarette of the day, I have just come to realise that I no longer enjoy or need the effects of nicotine and knows that I need to quit to be able to go on HRT. I also now hate the smell that it causes so watch this space.

My diet is extremely varied now however I have put a little weight in through the good food that I am eating so will have to suppress the need for fatty foods and desserts.

I am not sure why I am feeling this way but really not worried and not going to question it any more. :)

Shopping.

Oooo a word that I love. I am able now to do the looking part and would probably be able to make the purchases too given half a chance :)
Ok it was sunday lunchtime and most of the shops were closed around Kilkenny. I went into Argos and made a few purchases including a home laser kit. Ok I have been recomended to go to the professionals but the cost and the time that I get off is rare these days. Soo I gets back to home and watches the dvd and gives it a blast on my chin only. That was Monday night and I think that the growth in that area has slowed. I will have another go on the whole face area when I get home (which could be another 6 months at this rate :)

Today I have a fairly easy day and will be in Dublin later. I hope to get out and do some clothes shopping as essential supplies have become soiled and needs to be washed, but not sure when I am going to be back at home. Hmmm my mind is wandering to some nice knicks. I am sure that I could be brave enough to make a few purchases.

Little thoughts

I have been on a high this last week, but was brought back down just as quick. It is just part of the rollercoaster ride that being TS is all about. I hung onto dreams of being my true self but had the thought of it all going wrong and not being able to turn back. Having come this far I really think that it is too late to turn back now and the only way is forward.

With each and every day that passes, I find my confidence is getting stronger and can now go into places and looki at the stuff I am going to have to buy. I keep reminding myself that although I don't want to be this way, I have been all my life and have to make the change. In time I hope that this comes and really thinking now that the transition has begun. It is the little things that make the big picture worth while and able to work. After all what is the point of being female if you cannot face buying feminine stuff. Hmmm a thought for us all ..xxx

And moving on .... :)

oh I just had to get that last post off my chest................

So where was I?? OOOoooooo.. I know. My shopping trip that never evolved. Ok later that afternoon I had to go back and pickup my gorupies. They are such wonderful people I thought that it would be nice to take them into Conomara for a little tour. The journey would only put an extra 45 mins onto the time but I knew that they would love it. Yeah right! I was doing it for myself as I know the spiritual properties that this place has. In the morning for instance. Had an extremely long day and was tired when I woke. Seeing those mountains again for the first time this year and the vast open space, all of a sudden I did not feel tired anymore. I just needed a little reassurance that I was not dreaming about this pace last year and with the problems of late that it could help me if it were true. Oh by god it was, we stopped for a photo over a lake with a little white cottage. I often dreamed of owning this little cottage jsut to sit in and wallow away my life in the natural beauty of rugged surroundings and winds that always blow. Well ok that could be another story. I was stood there facing the lake and looking around, breathing the air deep into my lungs and felt kind of uplifted like I was trying to fly. It was like being in heaven again, the clouds that are always lurking over the mountains and the rapid flowing rivers. I was totally detatched from the world for a few breif moments that felt like it was forever. And that was only half a tour. What is going to happen next week when I do the full thing.

Pompus prats.

Ok up until now my work has not been going well, I think this is due to the prats that I havebeen driving on the bus. Enough I scream I am not going to talk about work anymore. Ok only just this one bit. I have a group from Denmark who are absolute sweethearts. It was a bit of a shock to the system as I had prepared for French but hey every little helps :)

Ok I have been feeling somewhat miffed recently as to how I present and who I really am. It can get so lonely and frustrating hiding your true identity especially as the world sees you in a whole different light. This week though has been completly different as I have been able to have a lot of fun with the group and was actually told off about looking too formal with the collar and tie affair, so I'm pleased all round at the moment. After dropping the party off for a day on one of the westerly islands I took myself into town to hopefully do some clothes shopping. Hmmm well I beowsed and decided that this was not the time at the moment as I still need to loose a lot more weight yet. Ok truth of the matter is that I was scared but seems that every day that passes now I am getting stronger.

Isn't it strange

I have come to terms with my situation and the road ahead of me in the future, but as it stands at the moment I cannot face going into a shop to buy clothes. I cannot lie to save my life and would feel uncomfortable if I was to get talking to the cashier.

I am looking though at a weekend away sometime in July to go and get my diagnosis and to have a makeover. I hope to meet up with one of the girls who could possibly help me get over this first 10 foot hurdle that I am facing and break down the barrier of my fears.

This is another "Where do I begin"

I have kind of lost the plot with this whole blog thing at the moment and spending much time and grace working working and ooo more working. Things are tripping along nicely now though and quite happy that I am back on track. I have scrapped the idea of Laser and getting a home Kit to try. Ok it is not the admirable solution to the problem but paying all that money out is just not on. Yes I am at-last getting tight with my money and looking out for my future. I am still a little bad though when it comes to buying clothes. I just cannot bring myself to doing this right now neither male or female stuff but things are looking rosey for me to come to the UK in July and maybe just maybe someone might love me enough to go out and do some shopping stuff :)

What a week

Ok where the heck do I start. Laser. Had a test patch done and was disappointed that it was not the full works. It is going to sting like heck but has to be worth it not to be shaving. Ok it is not an immediate cure and those dreaded blades are going to be around for a while yet. €400 per fekking session but have got the clinic down to around €330 as I am having this long term ad explained about my situation and said that I really did not want to be going through with this change in my life. It worked though. Got the appointment card back at home which could change at any time due the forces of work.

Ok I mentioned the "W" word. Dear god if I was like my tour guide that I have finished today with the most obnoxious little cow that i have ever met. My sister-in-law is a saint in comparrison. But enough about that bit of cack for the mo' :)

My First Laser session

Today I am off for my first laser session. I am nervous as hell as I am not one to tolerate too much pain, but look on the bright side that this is a step in the right direction.

I wake this morning feeling pretty much now as if nothing recently has happened to me. It is like the past nightmares have only been dreams and am back focused on what needs to be done in my life now. I am still scared though of making those crucial steps towards the changes needed to have more of an impact in my life but am focusing solely on them and will get there in good given time. Speaking to my boss yesterday it looks like I will have the next few days off after I finish this tour before commencing with the next. I am going to hop off to Cork and look into the possibility of my first laser session and spend the day out looking at what I could only dream of wearing. But that is a big step to make and I tend to become nervous when anywhere near clothes shops right now. I am also back on the waggon yet again today after falling off with the recent setbacks in my life. I came to realise last night that I am dependant on booze for masking problems and this only makes the whole thing worse.

I am off today to work the "Ring-of-Kerry" One of the runs I most complain over but the one that gives me the most satisfaction of beauty which today has to be thrust upon myself to realise that as a female I am beautiful and as male I am ugly.

It is for some strange reason this year that I am not feeling the magic of what Ireland gave me last and this I think is a contributory factor to the way that I am feeling too.

Home again

The sun shines graciously over the town this evening and it seems too like the black clouds that have been hanging over me recently have blown away too. I feel at peace with myself once again for a few weeks or at least until I can get some stuff sorted.

I have been told that things are starting to quieten off for a little whil and going to make the most of this time to go to the UK and see Dr Curtis. I am also looking at starting laser anytime soon and cannot wait until things start to sway into motion.

Anyway enough blurb from me for the mo'

The morning after the night before.

Oh did I have a good time there last night. Hmmm well kind suffering for it now :)
Ok i have to get myself back on track and cut the negatives. I need to talk to some people over the next couple of days too. I have been wanting everything just to fall into place all at once and it cannot and will not happen. I knew I was going to have to bite the bullet in order to mae this big huge step of my life. But it really felt like everything was slipping away and having no control over my life.

I need a release to vent my frustrasions and to be able to look back at the results later on to remind myself what a brave step into this world I have created or all be it been denied for so many years. Self discover can be a potent thing and it has it drawbacks like wanting to stamp on people that get in your way, to tell them that this is not the person you actually see and lable as being male. In fact this is the root cause for my problems over the years as I have not had the voice to shout until now. I have to smile sweetly though and bare the brunt of it all. I am only with these people for around 11 days per tour. I have to put up with this for the next few months or be it days if I don't get paid anytime soon.

Hmm well these are very sobering thoughts and have let myself slip back into that trap that I was in 12 months and 2 years ago. No it is so easy to rely on the pain killers that drown out all the bad things in your life, but only making it worse.
I now have to pick away at the fin threads that have been knotted to get myself back in fighting form and back on track.

Lost the plot

Ok this was one of my posts the other day.
I have kind of lost the timetable of my transition and the reason, which hit me earlier. Hmmm I am not doing this for fun and neither can I yet face going into shops buying clothes. I am just me and will be me all the way through this situation until such times I become regarded as female in legal and social situations

A few rambling thoughts

It's a sad litlle world that we live in. Havong the knowledge of stuff that for so long we have kept locked away. Feeling the need to make such dramatic changes to feel complete, whole and happy. The problem is that people around us try to understand but clearly how can we expect them to as they have no understanding of the situation. There are times when we need support from loved ones and close friends and the stumbling gestures that we get as a response have no purpose and meaning over the situation and leaves us feeling more confused than when we first asked.

I sit here overlooking the wonderful harbor of Kinsale yet cannot be bothered to move my fat arse from the bed. Is it wollowing in self pitty or is it the truth coming out after all these years that I am best left alone in my own little world. I have no idea just like I have no idea why I am faced with such a mamouth task of making changes to my life. Is this the beginning of the end or the chance to start the way it should have been. Am I living in a fantasy world or is this really happening. For some reason I just want to wake from this whole nightmare and just think it was a dream

A new light

Today seems different for some reason. I seem to have restored the clever dumb balance again within my life. It feels pretty much the same as it did before and I can focus and concentrate on building my confidence once again. Or is it just merely the effects of last nights drinking session? Who knows but I feel somewhat happier again.

In need of help

Ok as bad as ths sounds it really isn't :)
I have had a sleep and had a wierd dream about me backing out of my transition. Hmmm could be likely at this point but I know that this is the only chance now of feeling complete. I am looking towards making steps to get some local help and hope to meet up in the next day or so with someone I spoke to in Cork a few months ago. I need to get something started and something to look forward to.

Right now I feel like the situation of work does not help matters but talking to close friends who refer to me as Katy seems kinda wierd too. I really am not sure anymore of who I really am but know who I should become.

I am currently working with a guide who treats me like a piece of excrement and the passengers calling me by my male name makes me want to scream out I am not male but knowingly on the surface I am.

Hmmm I really want to write something here but cannot seem to get the words out right now. The only thing that springs to mind is hatred, confusion and dissapointment.
Hatred: I hate myself right now for my whole life.
Confusion: Who the fek am I
Dissapointment: Well I cannot seem to get things together.

The next day and same shite

I have sobered up after my little session last night and still feel the same about situations. It is not good I need to quit very soon, but also need a job to go to.

Oh my god.

I am demoralised and about to chuck in eveything sacred to me. All the time I thought that this year was going to be good but with GID and the crap that goes with it HMMM!

Sobering thoughts

I had to be in a fresh frame of mind to write this one. :)
I have been moaning just lately about the lack of cash coming my way and yesterday was no exception. Day off, no money, no food. I am going through the ashtray as I used to to try and make a cigarette, sat here on my bed thinking about anything but food, I was starving. I decided to put on a necklace which I bought a few weeks ago which has a Celtic cross pendant. No sooner that I had put this on I felt a warm calming sensation like I felt the other week when I went into church. I had a bit of a nap and woke around 6pm. Somewhat 10 mins later I had a call offering me to do a job. Not from my current boss but from my ex-boss as they were stuck for drivers. This was an airport transfer from Kerry to Cork. Of course I accepted and left immediately. Well for this job I was paid cash and felt delighted at the fact that I could be of help as it wollowed away a few hours.
Getting back at around 10pm I walked into town as all the pubs had finished serving food as I could not be bothered to cook, having a couple of drinks and got me food and headed home. But what a strange day to say the least.

Ooops cockup!

Being a poor little lass is hard for many to understand the daily hardships I a faced with. Ok gender issues aside here for a mo' but the general day to day living and survival of the fittest. Well until now I have been good at neither of them two subjects but am trying now my dam up most to get somewhere. Ok I have been back at work for 3 weeks now and have at-last had a day off from this tour. The unfortunate part is that my phone charger broke and of-course the phone died. No big deal there but my boss was trying to contact me to see if I would go off and pick-up my group today. Hmmm no answer and he had to do it himself. When I finally could be bothered to charge my phone I have about 7 messages from last night to today :) I called my boss back and he was ok, but the first thing that was mentioned was my pay. Hmmm tour guide must have said something about me being broke :)

Ok I am not too badly off as I leave the group tomorrow and get the rest of my expenses. I can then pay off my rent and all will be fine again.

On the gender side of things, well it seems that those around me are backed into a corner right now as I was looking on the net today towards buying some tops and skirts and stuff. I asked the opinion of my mate who went so red and told me that I had said previously of my intentions to stay as i was, that he could accept. On reply I said that I was going to transition to female which called for more femine clothes. Hmmm he did not know what to say or where to turn, but hell I need something to look good in from time to time was also my response.

Will leave you all on that note


xxxx Katy xxxx

Tis been a while

It has been a while since I have posted something positive here. I find the traumatic experience of work in male mode and people asking if I am married or have a girlfriend can get to you no matter hoe strong you are. Hmm well I had a day out in Cork the other day and popped into M&S to browse at the wonderful clothes that I cannot yet afford. It is only a matter of time before I get myself financially stable again and this dream can turn into reality. It is nice though to go window shopping and look at the expensive clothes I am going to buy :)

I have been feeling mixed emotions as of late and thank all those who have posted such wonderful comforting comments here. It just goes to show that I am not alone in this by any means. My mind has now got stronger and I just figure that like the job this is an act of being nice to people and giving them what they want. It also seems that no matter what is thrown at me I will take the bull by the horns and deal with it.
I finish my tour this week somewhat 2 days early as I am needed to start again on Friday. This time I will be prepared for what is going to happen with the job and can now start to see things shaping up nicely for me.

I am back in Cork on Sunday / Monday and will be out there making a few purchases. I am looking also to book up my first session for laser on one of my days off so this at least gets the ball rolling. Over the next few months I need to prepare for what is going to happen when I go FT. I am not just going to do it an think of the consequences later. I am loosing weight rather nicely now and have cut back witht the drinking and smoking somewhat 75% to what I would normally whic is a good thing and helps my cause somewhat. I am told that it goes quiet during July and am not too worried as I can go to the UK for my first appointment with Dr Curtis. So everything seems to be tripping along nicely now.