My train of thought has gone from transition to fighting the condition that has gotten me all these years. The problem being is unlike most of the people I am in contact with, I hate the fact of the person I am and no-longer have the intuition to continue this fight. Lets face it honestly, I was born male with a female mind and the dreams of a life as a female. Ok that part I have gotten to accept, but right now I want to run to the four corners of the earth just to get away from it all, but sooner or later it will catch up with me.
It really scares the hell out of me being left to rot somewhere where in honesty nobody really gives a stuff.

No gossip

Dam it has been a while since I have reported here. Well there has been nothing that interesting happening here lately so I guess I am back to the boring mundane life I always had. That and fuelled with booze most nights really does not help matters either.

I do however keep getting swings in my train of thought towards this whole issue of M2F but that got a bit boring writing one day I'm fine and the next at the bottom of a pit screaming to get out.
I have made a few decisions about dates and time scale for the whole process likewise about career moves and need to give this a shot as I will always been in regret if I never made these changes.

The way things are

The last few days I have been trying to quit smoking. Being a mind over matter thing, I feel that this is going better than anticipated. I have had the odd one or two but nothing major to be concerned over and as all stress levels are right down at the moment I feel I can get over this one fairly easy.

Doing this has also stabalized my mind to GID matters and feel now that I am making some sort of progress. Not much by any means but it all helps.

Today is my day off and I come to realize just the other day that I need 1-2-1 chats with other girls in similar situations. I am heading to Cork today to pop in and see some girls at TENI, the trans network of Ireland. I am also looking for a placement for when I finish the season in order to help me along with my coursework.

So hopefully will have something positive to report here later and hope to get moving a bit more down this long road.

Positive thoughts needed from now

Aside from what was a totally crap day yesterday, the day has arrived that for the next few weeks at least I need to be totally chilled and no stress whatsoever. Not going to say too much right now because it might fail but will report more as the week goes on. Anyway I have me day off today in Galway and after what was a fairly unsettled night due popping and banging outside with the firework display marking the end of the arts festival here, I hope that it is going to be a little quieter to hit the shops. Might buy something but don't hold your breath yet.

Another day over.

It has been a mixed bout of emotions today as I drove into an area where I consider to be spritually mind numbing for me. It is a place where I can let my train of thought go and come out the other side with clear ideas of what I am doing in life. Even ast year before all this blew up it was the place that calmed me after all the turmoil I had in the UK.
Well today was a little different and I was asked by the guide to take a different route. Hmmm not going into too much here as this post is going to be long enough. Ok I had a little acident in the bus which saw another car plough into the back of the bus. We were all ok and apart from a little pride shaken and a nasty dent in the car, exchanged details and got the heck out of there.

My return journey was not as what would usually be planned but never-the-less it was interesting. The vast open landscapes and the sweeping mountains with lakes below blows me away still to this day. I did let a few thoughts go and have come to certain conclusions within my life and the changes that I am making. I feel now that it is best if I start a complete fresh as of November, a new life, a new location and new identity. All that stuff I have worked for in the past will be destroyed just like the other day when i got rid of documents linking me to the UK.
I really must admit doing this kind of thing means that I will loose all contact with friends and family and all those around me who know about my situation. But it is like this at the end of the day. I have lived with this in secret for 29 years why not let the past go and live with that as a secret for the rest of my life.

Another morning.

I awake from what was a little disturbing tantrum of emotions last night just because I could not get my own way. I posted several messages over on the forum and deleted them because I knew in the back of my mind that people would get worried.

I went into town (city sorry) shopping yesterday and surprise surprise passed by so many shops without intention to browse or buy. Looking back in reflection I had a similar situation last year here having a panic attack and loosing my mind as a result. I tend to find crowds too much to deal with and have had this problem for the vast majority of my life.

Well back at the hotel I did the moral thing of getting drunk and felt more low than ever. It got to that stage where I really thought that this was a pointless mission and just wanted to end it all. This must have been the strongest suicidal tendancy I have had since march and went downstairs onto the street for a smoke as I have this balcony outside my room and who knows what I could have or would have done.

It is a split second that snaps and you make that choice. With emotions running high but it does pass belive me.

Well it just goes how weak I still am and need to change course to gain confidence before I jump through the hoop in November. I have set this date and there is no going back now.

Tipping the balance

It seems that I am living on a knife-edge lately. Just one little sway the wrong way sends me into a spiral of devistation. I deleted the last post here under the same heading as I felt low at the time and all this because I could not face shopping in town today. I am wondering right now if I am ready for all of this.

In the middle

Ok swiftly moving on from the last post :)
It is 6:30am and I am sat here in the bedroom of my hotel looking back over the post that I made in the forum last night. Also doing some thinking abut where I have got to so far in this process of change. I really think that the fog has lifted over my vison of the whole transition process and have come to realize that as of November this year I will be stepping from one lifestyle to the other with no mini breaks in between. Rightly when this happens I am looking on "androgy" mode most of the time but in a good way. Recent concerns to my drinking have passsed and loosing weight as a result which I knew that this was the main problem. However I need to start exerises to tone up what once was a major issue for me :)

I now feel ready to mak this change and not even thinking about anything but my work right now and a few other secret girly thoughts running through my mind but they can be a little evil.

The spring in my step is light and not the "thud" of that in male mode and my voice seems to be getting softer again. All that deep vocal stuff I learned over a period of years to try and conceal my true self had become somewhat of a Natural'ish process and is hard to get out of.

I know I promised

Not to talk about work on here but.... I am back in Dublin and another group which seem like sweethearts. I drove up this morning and thoughts were beaming through my mind about my life to date and the future. It looks rosey right now and hope that I do not get anymore knockbacks. Mind in saying this, I got hit back many times with my driving job but was always determined to fight back.

Another new day

Just got to start with this: I was hoping for a day out to Cork yesterday to pop by and see a few girls rom TENI the support group for people like me here in Ireland. Yes there seems to be others like me here too :) Well I was told by my boss that he had deposited some money into my account and thought I might pay the bank a visit. Well it was SHOCK HORROR! I had another €50 in my account and the way things are going here that is a cap full of diesel for a bus trip. :( Ok so I did what I do best when things get a bit like this, head to the pub. I got back around 5:30pm after taking a taxi home and realizing that the races were on here and traffic had stacked back to a vitual crawl in all directions which again at the rates taxis go for these days is not good.

I gets home and retreats to the lounge of my motorhome where I do quality thinking and listen to the radio. Sitting there thinking about why I had hit the pub made me realize that my goal now and before November is to loose weight and this now can only be done by a good diet (tick) and stopping drinking (HMMM!) So it was so ard to come to the conclusion that when I go out now, I enjoy 1 -2 orange juices and have the benefit of saving money and loosing weight. I think someone actually told me that once :)

Ok so plans for today: Sit here and do nothing. (Naaa) I have a load of laundry to do and get ready for the off tomorrow again. Back to Dublin and not sure when I will be back home again. Also got to undergo another laser session but thinking that the results are not being achieved owning to the fact that I catch the sun pretty well sat behind 6" of glass for 8 hours a day. God tha makes me sound like a live exhibit in a gallery. ;)

Ok for the moment anyway xxxx

Back at the laptop

I decided after my last post that I needed some down time to reflect on thoughts of what has happened over the last few months since writing here. That sense of calm has again sweeped over me and after a week without the computer have decided to post here again :)

I find it hard that something that has possessed me for the vast majority of my life and something that I have fear greatly has come to light and i have started opening up to people about my situation. It is like I have been serving a prison term for a crime that I didnot commit. Like a disease eating away at me that I have now come to realize is going to get me in the end. All this and more throughout my little shallow life and now comming to terms with the fact that whoever I present as, people will always look at me as an outcast and I might never fit in. At least now I have the opportunity to see what this life would be like to live on a daily basis.

I have found though that I have become too reliant on the chat forums that initially joined last year. No that is not fair to say as it was problems in 2006 that I started opening up to people. The times of darkness when I was looking for an answer to the problem at the bottom of a glass, the times where people made accusations against me and taunted me and bullied me and there was nothing I could do. The times when my whole life ripped apart and set me across the ocean to my paridise Ireland.

I know there are those out there who have battled similar situations and those like myself who feel alone in this situation and my heart really goes out to them.

The last six months at least has been discovering who I really am and the direction that I need to take to break out of this concrete barrage that has kept me locked away for so many years. I have looked at how that has effected my life to date. I have become stronger in mind now and not afraid to speak out about who I really am. I take no shit from anyone now.

There are still issues surrounding my life that need to be aired, I need to meet like-wise people and talk face to face about their lives and plan on doing that very very shortly.

But most of all I can see that the world will look at me in adifferent light be it male or female and always brand me as an out-cast. I may aswell be happy with myself whatever the situation.

And then it was down that slippery slope

I must admit that this has been a roller coaster of events the last 6 months or so. Just when you think you are on a high or stabilized, then something smacks you right in the face and you feel right back down in the gutter again.
Recently I spoke to my step-father about my situation but it seems since then I have felt low and not wanting to make an effort with anything in life.
I am currently on a week off from work as the hype has cooled off a bit for this month at least. Getting my pay cheque I was going to hit the shops and treat myself, but instead I headed for a few relaxing pints :( This turns into a drinking session from hell that I found myself with no control over and add a bit of bad health and some dodgy food, well to say the least I have not been right since.

I cannot see right now what has driven me so far to this point and have no visions what-so about the future. It all seems like a blur and a dream that I have woken up from.
I think that it is just a case of time before this whole situation takes a turn for the worst and all starts over again.
There are so many that know about my situation from the close knit circuit of my life but not one actually knows the pain and suffering that i have gone through to get to this point.
Ahh well I think the body needs a rest and just going to take it easy for a while. I have seen this situation so many times before and can bounce back just as quick. But honestly in thinking about the whole picture, I am lonely and scared about what the future holds.