The events that have taken place over the last few days got me thinking indirectly at where this is all going. My aim is to correct the wrong-doings of what nature dealt me yet I could only see a revolving door that had me between the hospital, psychiatrist, medication and feeling sorry for myself. Now compared to 6 months ago I would have been quite willing to lye down and give up but now the fire is raging inside to beat this, to build a life worthy of living and.... well the rest is un-written.
So in the face of thoughts I go using every last rescource I have ever known of dealing with gender issues and turned my train of thought into somewhat a more positive stance.
I wouldn't expect the average "Joe Public" to understand this as they see it very hard to often look beyond their noses, well why should they hey?
Looking at the effects and time of hormones gave me a big boost of confidence and the stories that emerge with the on-line forums of girls at the final stage of their journey talking about dilating has me envious beyond knowing that one day I will be there too.
It is also a case of getting on with life, however much it hurts but making the best of the situation in hand as gender issues can take command and be the only thing in that persons life. Such issues have always been there and will remain for time to come, yet we dwell on them too much sometimes and life passes us by. In saying that these issues need to be addressed but so does the daily chores of life.
I do find it somewhat amazing though how I have learned so much from my issues and now feel the need to rise above and build strength to move forward.
Friday, 31 July 2009
Wednesday, 29 July 2009
Anxiety & stress
From the word go this morning I knew it was going to be "one of those days" as nothing went right. Well it was "D" day today, spending an hour outside the welfare office to sign the unemployment register. Firstly I couldn't find my card which got me in a spin as I needed this for both signing and picking up my payment. So as you can imagine the stress levels were running pretty high at this point. Well I went none the less and stood in the queue waiting for the office to open. As I stood there I felt anxious and panic started running through my body. Not quite sure why, well loosing the card didn't help I suppose, but it felt like the whole world was closing in on me and there was nothing I could do about it.
The time seemed to drag on forever and my mate who dropped me off came across and noticed how distressed I was and said that he would wait for me just down the road.
Well after signing and having more problems put to me in the office concerning my benefits I felt a total wreck and just wanted to go home but my mate persuaded me to go with him to Tralee as he had a hospital appointment. Well I went with the cunning idea of booking myself back in to the psychiatric ward as enough was enough and I couldn't take this no more.
The unit where my mate had to go was at the back of the psychiatric ward and I sat there gazing in thinking about making my move to check in yet decided that it was not the best course of action.
The time seemed to drag on forever and my mate who dropped me off came across and noticed how distressed I was and said that he would wait for me just down the road.
Well after signing and having more problems put to me in the office concerning my benefits I felt a total wreck and just wanted to go home but my mate persuaded me to go with him to Tralee as he had a hospital appointment. Well I went with the cunning idea of booking myself back in to the psychiatric ward as enough was enough and I couldn't take this no more.
The unit where my mate had to go was at the back of the psychiatric ward and I sat there gazing in thinking about making my move to check in yet decided that it was not the best course of action.
Tuesday, 28 July 2009
Trying to keep positive
The last few days have been an awful blur to me as my thoughts spiralled out of cotrol and I started slipping into that deep crevis that for so many months has gotten to me. However I remain optimistic about life and transition and the hope it will improve my life.
It's kinda funny what has kept me afloat though and that was the thought of painting more pictures. Yep I have recently been bitten by the bug of art after completing my first painting in *uhem* well lets say a good while ;) It is something apart from my photography that I wanted to do since coming to Ireland but was drawn into the trap of self-confidence and the booze. I'm going to have to scan in some photos & pictures soon when I finally get my new lappy, heaven knows how I will manage with such a small generator and no 240v readily to hand but sure I'll find a way.
This whole journey has been a mixed bag of trials for me yet knowing with every down turn I get stronger and my will to come out on top shines through. Yet the darkest of times I feel help-less which drives my emotions into performing the horrible thoughts that rule me. I will fight to win the right to be my true self and even the daily battles just to exist that really get me down are worth it as I have wonderful friends whom are close to me and have tracked me on-line that I would not want to let down ;)
It's kinda funny what has kept me afloat though and that was the thought of painting more pictures. Yep I have recently been bitten by the bug of art after completing my first painting in *uhem* well lets say a good while ;) It is something apart from my photography that I wanted to do since coming to Ireland but was drawn into the trap of self-confidence and the booze. I'm going to have to scan in some photos & pictures soon when I finally get my new lappy, heaven knows how I will manage with such a small generator and no 240v readily to hand but sure I'll find a way.
This whole journey has been a mixed bag of trials for me yet knowing with every down turn I get stronger and my will to come out on top shines through. Yet the darkest of times I feel help-less which drives my emotions into performing the horrible thoughts that rule me. I will fight to win the right to be my true self and even the daily battles just to exist that really get me down are worth it as I have wonderful friends whom are close to me and have tracked me on-line that I would not want to let down ;)
Sunday, 26 July 2009
Boundries
With all the shite that I have been through the last 7 months, one of the worst was my therapy sessions. During theses sessions I broke down and poured my heart out to this guy who claimed he was there to help me, proud to be able to walk with me on my journey and my friend.
All this time what the guy was actually doing was pushing my back into a corner by imaginary boundries. Such issues I have been trying to fight against all my life and here I was being packed into another box and stowed away instead of spreading my wings and soaring like an eagle.
Of course it shattered my confidence totally and have been trying to deal with the issues of picking myself up since.
I have to be honest in saying that I find it very hard to trust people who claim to want to help due to thier lack of understanding towards gender issues.
To date I feel I have made much progress in dealing with the emotional, mental & psyical issues surrounding my condition however there is a big BUT! Again I seem to be falling foul to the thoughts of taking my own life, which I constantly fight on a daily basis. I feel failed by the medical profession and can see no immediate solution to solving the pain I have suffered for many years. Every day now that suffering gets more and more and these days I am just using all my energy to fight suicidal thoughts that I am half tempted to give into now. Why? Cause I'm dammed tired of trying and failing all the time.
All this time what the guy was actually doing was pushing my back into a corner by imaginary boundries. Such issues I have been trying to fight against all my life and here I was being packed into another box and stowed away instead of spreading my wings and soaring like an eagle.
Of course it shattered my confidence totally and have been trying to deal with the issues of picking myself up since.
I have to be honest in saying that I find it very hard to trust people who claim to want to help due to thier lack of understanding towards gender issues.
To date I feel I have made much progress in dealing with the emotional, mental & psyical issues surrounding my condition however there is a big BUT! Again I seem to be falling foul to the thoughts of taking my own life, which I constantly fight on a daily basis. I feel failed by the medical profession and can see no immediate solution to solving the pain I have suffered for many years. Every day now that suffering gets more and more and these days I am just using all my energy to fight suicidal thoughts that I am half tempted to give into now. Why? Cause I'm dammed tired of trying and failing all the time.
Friday, 24 July 2009
Missing bits
I should be relaxed, happy and content since my move on Wednesday but sit here with something at the back of my mind which is consistantly giving me a painful jerk. What it is is that I feel uncomfortable with my body and bare without breasts. Sure I wear a padded bra but this is not remotely good enough and the prospects of wearing false breasts are just that FALSE.
Whilst I feel satisfied to a degree that things are finally changing for the better I hope, I still have this emptiness within that could trigger off another episode at any time
Whilst I feel satisfied to a degree that things are finally changing for the better I hope, I still have this emptiness within that could trigger off another episode at any time
Monday, 20 July 2009
The road gets longer
When I started this blog and chose the title I guess I didn't realise what kind of journey I was going to have to this point. I guess recently over the past months that I've been so wrapped up in health issues with one thing and another, I kind if forgot the good points to transitioning and the purpose of it all.
Back in the days of being in hospital I kinda opened up and started to express myself more freely and then came the storm again up until very recent where I couldn't think about buying clothes or even face looking in at shop windows. Gradually I am picking up the pieces and re-building my dear shattered life. The funny thing is that with all this emotinal stuff that has been going on in my head recently the gender issues has virtually taken care of itself and with every knockback I become stronger and more determined.
When I started making plans to transition my whole intent was to let the course of time do its work, like growing my hair and eventually when I get onto HRT again it will be a painstaking process but time will produce results. And the theory behind my madness is that I have lived a false life to date so want these transformations to be as natural as possible.
I guess too that my approach to all of this is being met with respect from most people I get involved with mainly because they can see the true pain and suffering that I am going through plus I haven't really changed too much as yet. Again the big idea of letting time take its course.
Back in the days of being in hospital I kinda opened up and started to express myself more freely and then came the storm again up until very recent where I couldn't think about buying clothes or even face looking in at shop windows. Gradually I am picking up the pieces and re-building my dear shattered life. The funny thing is that with all this emotinal stuff that has been going on in my head recently the gender issues has virtually taken care of itself and with every knockback I become stronger and more determined.
When I started making plans to transition my whole intent was to let the course of time do its work, like growing my hair and eventually when I get onto HRT again it will be a painstaking process but time will produce results. And the theory behind my madness is that I have lived a false life to date so want these transformations to be as natural as possible.
I guess too that my approach to all of this is being met with respect from most people I get involved with mainly because they can see the true pain and suffering that I am going through plus I haven't really changed too much as yet. Again the big idea of letting time take its course.
The start of a brand new week
.............. and already I'm completely drained of energy *sigh*
It seems to be the norm these days of battling against the mind tends to drain a person of physical properties. Not good as I am in the midst of a fairly pysical job that I was hoping to get finished this week.
I have to be thankful that I'm still here, or so I'm consistantly told, anyway which ever way the pain and suffering continues daily.
It seems to be the norm these days of battling against the mind tends to drain a person of physical properties. Not good as I am in the midst of a fairly pysical job that I was hoping to get finished this week.
I have to be thankful that I'm still here, or so I'm consistantly told, anyway which ever way the pain and suffering continues daily.
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