I decided after my last post that I needed some down time to reflect on thoughts of what has happened over the last few months since writing here. That sense of calm has again sweeped over me and after a week without the computer have decided to post here again :)
I find it hard that something that has possessed me for the vast majority of my life and something that I have fear greatly has come to light and i have started opening up to people about my situation. It is like I have been serving a prison term for a crime that I didnot commit. Like a disease eating away at me that I have now come to realize is going to get me in the end. All this and more throughout my little shallow life and now comming to terms with the fact that whoever I present as, people will always look at me as an outcast and I might never fit in. At least now I have the opportunity to see what this life would be like to live on a daily basis.
I have found though that I have become too reliant on the chat forums that initially joined last year. No that is not fair to say as it was problems in 2006 that I started opening up to people. The times of darkness when I was looking for an answer to the problem at the bottom of a glass, the times where people made accusations against me and taunted me and bullied me and there was nothing I could do. The times when my whole life ripped apart and set me across the ocean to my paridise Ireland.
I know there are those out there who have battled similar situations and those like myself who feel alone in this situation and my heart really goes out to them.
The last six months at least has been discovering who I really am and the direction that I need to take to break out of this concrete barrage that has kept me locked away for so many years. I have looked at how that has effected my life to date. I have become stronger in mind now and not afraid to speak out about who I really am. I take no shit from anyone now.
There are still issues surrounding my life that need to be aired, I need to meet like-wise people and talk face to face about their lives and plan on doing that very very shortly.
But most of all I can see that the world will look at me in adifferent light be it male or female and always brand me as an out-cast. I may aswell be happy with myself whatever the situation.
2 comments:
Hi Katy
Its good to take a break sometimes.
You seem so much stronger & clearer about where you need to go with your life.
You seem proud of who you are & so you should be.
everyone has the right to be happy.
I like the no nonsense attitude you now have.
We are often are own worst critics.
We have little respect for the stranger we have been forced to appear as, for so much of our lives.
A sad almost ghost like unfullfilled life in which we can never feel part of society. No one can see the real you.
Now you are nearly ready to be true to your heart.
No one can make you feel inferior unless you let them.
You are already finding your self belief growing.
I am so pleased you have the support of your mum.
Yes the world will look at you in a different light.
They will see the real you for the very first time in your life, not a ghost!
You can do this.
Love
Debbie
Debbie I still expect the knockbacks too. But each time I seem to be getting stronger. I have looked at the pattern of events and it seems that things can change week to week at the moment.
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