I awake from what was a little disturbing tantrum of emotions last night just because I could not get my own way. I posted several messages over on the forum and deleted them because I knew in the back of my mind that people would get worried.
I went into town (city sorry) shopping yesterday and surprise surprise passed by so many shops without intention to browse or buy. Looking back in reflection I had a similar situation last year here having a panic attack and loosing my mind as a result. I tend to find crowds too much to deal with and have had this problem for the vast majority of my life.
Well back at the hotel I did the moral thing of getting drunk and felt more low than ever. It got to that stage where I really thought that this was a pointless mission and just wanted to end it all. This must have been the strongest suicidal tendancy I have had since march and went downstairs onto the street for a smoke as I have this balcony outside my room and who knows what I could have or would have done.
It is a split second that snaps and you make that choice. With emotions running high but it does pass belive me.
Well it just goes how weak I still am and need to change course to gain confidence before I jump through the hoop in November. I have set this date and there is no going back now.
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