It hit me this morning as to why I have gotten down these last few days. It was that knock at the door and as I opened it a rather drowned looking postman was stood with a letter in his hand. "Does Kathryn Kelly live here?" he asked I replied "yep she does" and then we went onto saying how bad the weather was as he handed me my letter. Inside was the documents I requested from the deed poll section in the UK and then it all came flooding to me. This is it, I thought and my heart started to race. The dreams I have had for all these years are finally becoming reality, but what if I wanted to carry on living that dream?, what if I was to wake up in the morning and this was all really a bad nightmare? can i really cope with what could be a very lonely life in addition to the one I already have?
These were questions that have been and still are flooding through my head about a fantasy turning into reality. Will there be a happily ever after for me or will I still be see as the Ogre that everybody hates and wants to harm?
Right now I am confused as to what is really best. I have no real friends here and those that I have are only holding on because they think that this is a passing phase of my life.
2 comments:
Dear Katey
My heart goes out to you my friend.
You are making huge changes to your life, you are entitled to feel frightened & uncertain.
Go at the pace that suits you.
Change only what you feel you have to. Just keep taking little steps. Gradually pushing your boundaries. Try not to bottle things up. Keep talking to someone.
Transitioning is no miracle cure.
I only transitioned because I had no other option. GD dominated my every thought, destroyed my concentration. Depression nearly killed me. Anti-depressants turned me into a zombie. I simply ceased to function as a human being. I could not feel my emotions. When I calmly planned my own suicide I realised I needed to make changes. I needed to face my fears.
Until we begin to accept /like ourselves we struggle to make friends.
I had zero confidence, no self belief. If my transition failed I had no where else to go. I could easily & in fact probably, have swapped one lot of problems for a whole lot more. If you do not have your health you have nothing. I have no regrets even if I fail. I now know my truth.
May be try & visualise where you see yourself in 5 years time, if you do not transition. Then imagine where you could be if you do. It is all about finding a balance to your life.
Transitioning does not have to be the only answer. It has to be right for you.
I am happier than I have ever been in my entire life. It is in the end a leap of faith for us.
I never ever imagined some one as shy & anxious as I, could ever survive this life but I have. A miracle happened. I have discovered a self belief I would never have dared dream possible.
I am still vulnerable, still anxious but I have peace in my heart & my mind. It has taken me as long as it takes to get here. I still have a long way to go. I have gone backwards side ways, frozen in a pit of self pity, you name it.
My humble point is I only transitioned when I was ready & I too was frightened.
Love
Debbie
As ever Debbie has covered it all, I would say there is no right or wrong path and don't feel you have to take one path. You can pause, detour or carry on if you so wish.
It is only human to feel nerves at such a time. Find some good people to talk to.
I have no agenda. My only wish is that you find happiness.
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