Festive joy?

This should be a time for festivities, celebration & joy. Time to spend with friends, family & loved ones & time for giving & receiving.

Yeah that's the "perfect" summary of what Christmas is about but sadly there are people out there struggling & right now I'm struggling too.

Christmas's past was coping with the deep down hurt that I was too fearful to ever disclose my darkest secret of my gender issues & living in my own nightmare of reality saw me grow ever distant from my family.
Yeah sure I loved them somewhere, but I never belonged.
I was forced to adapt a role of a person that I neither identified with nor wanted to be.
Still the hype of goodies, presents & alcohol kept that deep pain at bay year in & year out.

So time moves on & this is the first Christmas ever that I feel connected & yet I feel more lonely than ever because my parents are no longer with me & my only surviving sibling is someone who I don't know anymore.

Inside that void still lays there & as much as I try to fill it with love, its soon drained as I'm still reminded of that person I never identified with.
It took only one person to pull the plug on my whole Christmas by assuming & calling me that name which still makes me sick to the core.
My attention has been swayed to wondering why I survived my accidents this year & all the other negative shit that I've not had in recent times.

The only one that tugs on my heart strings for love is my little pal Jess. I've got her a nice big bone for Christmas day & she has been plaguing me all day with the ball.
Right now she is on the bed sleeping & I feel so alone sat here.
My fire is a mere glow & I'm listening to albums that were played as a child, thinking to myself that finally I'm becoming the girl I always hid & that the coming new year has so much fun & many challenges in store.

This is a time now to recoup & to put the horrors of my past to rest, yet moving forwards into my proper life is scary stuff as I've never known how to live as such.
But its the challenge I look forwards to the most.

Safe Christmas all & may all your dreams come true

Mikki J ( Michaela J in reality) xxx