I wake this morning feeling pretty much now as if nothing recently has happened to me. It is like the past nightmares have only been dreams and am back focused on what needs to be done in my life now. I am still scared though of making those crucial steps towards the changes needed to have more of an impact in my life but am focusing solely on them and will get there in good given time. Speaking to my boss yesterday it looks like I will have the next few days off after I finish this tour before commencing with the next. I am going to hop off to Cork and look into the possibility of my first laser session and spend the day out looking at what I could only dream of wearing. But that is a big step to make and I tend to become nervous when anywhere near clothes shops right now. I am also back on the waggon yet again today after falling off with the recent setbacks in my life. I came to realise last night that I am dependant on booze for masking problems and this only makes the whole thing worse.

I am off today to work the "Ring-of-Kerry" One of the runs I most complain over but the one that gives me the most satisfaction of beauty which today has to be thrust upon myself to realise that as a female I am beautiful and as male I am ugly.

It is for some strange reason this year that I am not feeling the magic of what Ireland gave me last and this I think is a contributory factor to the way that I am feeling too.