Oh did I have a good time there last night. Hmmm well kind suffering for it now :)
Ok i have to get myself back on track and cut the negatives. I need to talk to some people over the next couple of days too. I have been wanting everything just to fall into place all at once and it cannot and will not happen. I knew I was going to have to bite the bullet in order to mae this big huge step of my life. But it really felt like everything was slipping away and having no control over my life.
I need a release to vent my frustrasions and to be able to look back at the results later on to remind myself what a brave step into this world I have created or all be it been denied for so many years. Self discover can be a potent thing and it has it drawbacks like wanting to stamp on people that get in your way, to tell them that this is not the person you actually see and lable as being male. In fact this is the root cause for my problems over the years as I have not had the voice to shout until now. I have to smile sweetly though and bare the brunt of it all. I am only with these people for around 11 days per tour. I have to put up with this for the next few months or be it days if I don't get paid anytime soon.
Hmm well these are very sobering thoughts and have let myself slip back into that trap that I was in 12 months and 2 years ago. No it is so easy to rely on the pain killers that drown out all the bad things in your life, but only making it worse.
I now have to pick away at the fin threads that have been knotted to get myself back in fighting form and back on track.
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