It as taken me a while to sit here and think about where I have gone wrong and that afterthought has made me realize that I have trampled on someone who has always tried to help me. Despite the fact that this person is owning me money, there was a trust that had been built up over the years and now that has been slashed big time.

I feel the need to just get out of the limelight for a while and this can be done in the next few weeks of going back to work. It might also curb my drinking too as I am fully intent of making this the best year that I can and will finally be able to live life the way that it was intended to be lived. My toruble of late have been masked by the fact that I thought that I had come to terms with my condition, but in truth, it hurts every bit as it did back at the beginning of the year. I feel that if I drink that one day I won't wake up, but that is not my style and have fought to the very last.

I sit here hoping for the solution to pop right into mind and unless I make that carismatic step into the big wide world of unkowings, will never make it over the threshold. It is a step that I am scared to make, having many nightmares and dreams about strutting around in a female role. However the time has now come to do such a deed and is like walking all over again.

The desperation of wanting to move away on my own fuelled by the lack of cash situations at the moment are also depressing factors, but need to pull myself together as it is only a few more weeks till I move. I have found a place that the neighbours are few and could probably go un-noticed in my general day to day life.
Ofcourse, i will have to drive to get to the local shops, but is a deterrant for me to go out drinking. I can only dream about my sense of heaven at this time, like I can only dream about those big steps into the world. But one things for sure, I am going to try my upmost to get those rediculous thoughts out of my head about the not waking up bit, because one day it will happen.

Often, I dream about if I were not this way and what would have happened to me. I might have been married with children, I might have been able to concentrate more on setting up my own business. But hey, that is not likely to ever happen to me at all.
When you sit there and see people in their day to day lives and especially at christmas, it tends to bring a tear to your eye because in all honesty, this is a dam lonely life that I am leading.

xxx Katy xxx